Be Real About Creating Your Reality

Life is a series of choices and circumstances.

Certain choices we make along the way open us to the unexpected, take us where we want to go or preclude us from a different path.  We can be thrilled by the outcomes or beat ourselves up for years having made a “mistake”. Life is, of course, the sum of the decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way. The quality of our lives is dependent on the choices we make.  But that is not to say that everything is a choice. There are many things in our lives that simply are not under our control. Where we live, the political and economic state, as well as the family we a born to, are not choices but circumstances that may provide great blessing and advantage or severely hinder and limit our options. While we do have the incredible power to make the most of any situation we do not hold the power to change many things that are just a reality.

This is what Holocaust survivor and psychologist/philosopher Viktor Frankl meant when he said,

” The last last of our freedoms is to choose our own attitude.” 

This is the most important choice we make: How we react and act in the face of reality.

 It has been popular in recent years to ascribe to the slogan,” you create your own reality”. This is a true statement in the sense that it is in choosing how we think and react to any circumstance that comes our way that we create our experience of it, our reality. Do we find the silver lining of opportunity in a job loss? Do we gain more spiritual depth after suffering a serious illness or accident? Do we dedicate our lives to helping others after witnessing social injustice or human suffering? Conversely, do we shield our hearts after a painful breakup and avoid future intimacy? Do we strike out in anger and violence as a reaction to being brutalized?  Do we give up hope after failing and chose to walk with the pack rather than run independently with our dreams?

These types of choices create our reality. Not only in what we experience of the world but how we experience the world. Each reaction and choice inform the next in an unending interlocking puzzle that we may not have a clear picture of until all the pieces are in place.

However, I have never been a fan of the term you create your own reality. This rather odd for a life coach, as that kind of sentiment, is nearly professional jargon. In fact, it garners me a bit of scorn when I express my dislike of the idea. While I understand the truth and meaning of the statement as outlined earlier, I believe most of the time it is used entirely differently. Many people use this term literally as if they can create reality. There is a notion that one can conjure up anything; a prime parking spot,  a romantic partner or a prosperous career.

 In recent years post the Secret and in the throes of a booming self- help, guru filled modern world there has been a wonderful push to empower and enlighten that has unfortunately also served to cause shame and separation. Sure, it is uplifting and inspiring to believe in an unlimited version of yourself, view the world as an abundant place full of endless prosperity and opportunity, to be the master of your health and spirituality. These tenants are particularly easy to buy into if you are fortunate enough to live in a first world country, live a middle-class lifestyle, or enjoy the freedom of certain inalienable rights. But the prescription to work on the self to make everything else fall into alignment and that you can manifest any and all of your dreams is a hard pill to swallow when things do not go as planned. When one becomes ill, fails to reach their goals or suffers a tragedy the self-blame can be immense. Questioning what you did wrong in this life or even a past life that has made these hardships befall you or feeling you simply did not focus enough certainly does not inspire. There is nothing empowering or enlightening about guilt and shame these are the roots of self-rejection. When everything is up to you alone it paves the way for a lot of self-satisfied pride when times are good but despair and isolation when it is not. Adhering to a literal sense of the term you create your reality, actually, creates a slippery slope of blame and a lack of insight and understanding for those that suffer. We cannot ignore the fact that natural disaster, war, famine, child abuse, crime, genetic disorder and disease and more exist and afflict millions of people through no fault of their own. The millions of refugees, mostly women and children displaced and ravaged by war did not choose that reality. A mother that loses a child to birth defects or a tragic accident does not create those circumstances, acquiring a disease is not your fault or the outcome of negative thinking. All of these things are a part of human reality and have been since the beginning of time. We may want to think we have more control but it just not that simple. In fact, believing that we do can serve to separate us from our intrinsic greatness and that of others leaving us constantly struggling to be more, denying reality and insisting others cause all their own misfortune.

When I was in coaching school many years ago I had a lovely female classmate that was a cancer patient. She was a beautiful, and loving soul, she literally radiated positive energy and compassion. A young mother in her mid-thirties, she was battling rare cancer. Bald from chemotherapy she spoke of the struggle to understand her reality that she did not choose and also shared with us the insensitive comments of many of her new age enlightened friends. The statements and advice people gave her, such as she should be able to heal herself with the power of her mind, or inquiries about what dark sadness she held internally that had caused her illness were shocking and made a profound impression on me. Furthermore, working in healthcare for 15 years I witness firsthand disease, accidents and trauma daily including innocent infants born with tremendous health issues and countless people dealing with very difficult prognosis. In 2015 there were 35 million slaves in the world and 65 million girls denied education. These are results of being born poor or female or both in an area with little opportunity or freedom.These are a reality. It is enough to deal with the trials and tragedies of life without having to examine how you deserved or earned them. It does not help us to solve the issues of the world or to cultivate kindness and human compassion when we chose a simplistic notion that each individual causes all their own realities in a literal sense.

To believe we hold the secret to everything or a power to make what we want coming to fruition is magical thinking at best but also utterly egocentric and controlling. The best we can hope for is to control ourselves, chose well and make the most of what the world offers us.

 It is how we chose to use what is put before us and within us that creates our reality. Not what we will into existence or earn through our disciplined practice or deeds.

To make the most of ourselves and our lives, to choose well is no easy task. We must be open, we must be free and we must be bold. This requires much discipline and practice. It requires focus, belief, and effort. But in this approach there is no shame, it actually enhances our sense of compassion and deepens our experience and connection with the world. We do our best and make our choices knowing that our best may sometimes fall short. We struggle to accept the inevitable disappointments in life and learn to understand that not everything can or should go our way. When we traverse tragedy or navigate the cycles in our lives that nothing seems to go our way we learn to relate to others that have suffered in the same way. There are certain bonds that humans share such as hope and love but deeper still is the common experience of loss and disappointment.

The familiar beauty of the serenity prayer says it best:

“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.

The courage to change the things I can and should

and the wisdom to know the difference.”

Teachings of manifesting or focusing on what you want, believing in your abilities, overcoming your own limiting thinking and maintaining optimism are unquestionably key ingredients for success and happiness. But these are ideals, not guarantees. Being realistic about the hardships and challenges of life and investing our energy in accepting what we do and do not have control over is powerful. Be clear about the most important choice you can make, the one that truly directs the quality of your life. That, as Frankl says is the choice of our attitude regardless of what we may face.

10 Great Ways to Celebrate International Women’s Day

Happy International Women's Day!

Wait a minute...when did this start?
If like me you are unsure of the history of International Women's Day please learn more here:
https://www.internationalwomensday.com/About

In the United States, this tradition is over 100 years old, but I cannot remember learning about it in school or marking it in any way at any time in my life for that matter. Interesting.

This year IWD seems to be getting a lot more attention, understandably so. In 2017 we are aware of the struggles of Women in our communities and around the world more than ever before through the news, the internet and travel. Recent politics here and abroad have also shaken our security and inspired more activism than we have seen in decades.
Some people chose not to celebrate or acknowledge days set aside for a purpose. Frankly, there are a lot of them. Follow this link for more information onjust how many: UNrecognizeddayhttp://www.un.org/en/sections/observances/international-days/.
However, I think it is helpful to have a reminder to stop for a moment and reflect on an issue, be grateful, learn more, or take action.

As I reflect on women's issues my first thought is a celebration. Women take the lead around the world as the primary caregivers and nurturers in their families and communities. Women's contributions are staggering across all realms of science, spirituality, medicine and the arts. My next thought is of deep concern. Women's rights are human rights of course but the disturbing reality is that women still face more violence and oppression and less freedom and opportunity than men here and around the world.

I encourage you to take a moment today to think about women in your life, community, country and world. If you are a woman set aside time to investigate your own life recognizing your struggles and triumphs as well as where you are in the journey of your life and where you would like to be. I propose a topic this large deserves more than one day and challenge you to be woman focused for the remainder of the week.

Choose some of the ideas below as a way to focus your attention, raise your awareness or take some action.

10 Ways to Celebrate IWD

1. Learn about women in your local community or the world at large that are making a difference.

2. Search Women's clubs/groups and organizations and consider joining one that resonates with you.

3. Honor a woman that has made a positive impact in your life. Often women are unsung heroes. Find one and sing.

4. Offer acceptance and kindness to a female stranger. Smile, be open and friendly.

5. Celebrate your sisterhood. Gather your female friends and appreciate the joy and power of those connections.

6. Investigate areas of your own life that are not as free as you would like and consider ways to expand your thinking and experience of life.

7. Learn more about women's issues you find interesting or pressing. Education, domestic violence, teen pregnancy, health, sex trafficking, whatever calls to you. As you become more aware you allow your compassion and connection to grow.

8. Donate money to a women's cause that moves you. Even a little bit can make a huge difference.

9. Donate time to work on something that is meaningful to you. Most communities have an abundance of opportunities to serve. Mentor youth, feed the hungry, work a shift at a shelter. You are needed and can make a difference.

10. Share the story of a powerful woman from history or your personal life with a young person.


Open your mind. It is easy to fool ourselves into thinking things are good because in our own lives we are comfortable. If you live a middle-class life in the USA and enjoy the comforts of that lifestyle and do not suffer discrimination or oppression it is tempting to think all women have the same experience or to not notice the bigger picture.  It can also be tempting to point our fingers at other cultures and admonish their treatment of women and fail to see the ways women are treated poorly in our own. Consider if it is more troubling to be told to cover yourself from head to toe to obscure your sexuality or to be encouraged to uncover yourself to exploit it. Recognize that even now in 2017 in our own country women and girls are sexually assaulted and die from domestic abuse at alarming rates.

Get informed. The internet is a great tool to learn about current numbers of women and children displaced by war, denied education, used as slaves, sexually harassed, raped,  diminished or marginalized in countless ways. It is also a powerful tool to discover the many ways men and women are fighting for change. There are millions of passionate, dedicated, people championing women's rights and creating a better now and a brighter future. Awareness breeds inspiration, action, and change.

Some of my favorites:

Seeds of Hope Homes Supports young women in Costa Rica that are victims of or at risk for sexual exploitation and trafficking. This volunteer grass- roots organization was established by an American woman inspired to act by what she saw in this beautiful country while visiting. Learn more:
http://www.seedsofhopehome.com

Mutual Ground Aurora Illinois domestic and sexual abuse service provides safe shelter, counseling, support groups, education, and advocacy. http://www.mutualgroundinc.com

Girls global education initiatives learn more here: http://www.refinery29.com/2015/09/94862/michelle-obama-global-girls-education

 Women for Women  International sponsorship for a woman to enrich her life and that of her family and community by sponsoring a woman with a small monthly commitment that makes a big impact http://www.womenforwomen.org

Define and Divide

Our brains are truly amazing! We sort things, categorize, and simplify at a staggering rate of speed. We are inundated with information and make hundreds if not  thousands of snap judgments everyday, typically with very little information. We make assumptions and try out hypotheses on just about everything chasing what we think is true. We not only do this about the world around us, but we do this about ourselves as well.  Who are we?  What are our abilities?  What are our roles? Often, we are unsure how we came to the conclusions we have but accept them nonetheless.

While this may help us navigate the world, we would not get very much done if we had to fully analyze everything, it hinders us as well.

In order to fully experience the world and reach our potential, we must regularly and intentionally expand the limitations of our habitual thinking. 

This requires us to stop and question ourselves about everything. Of course, this can be very uncomfortable but when we resist self-examination we also risk self-enrichment.

The best way to start expanding our thinking is through self- awareness and self-examination. How do you define who you are?

Most of us begin by listing roles, character traits, or skills. I am a mother, a Christian, a nurse, a wife, and so on. I am good, optimistic, a worrier, a hard worker. 

We not only define ourselves by what we think we are but also by what we  believe we are not. 

We might say or think, "at least I am not_____, or I would never_____. "  We fill in the blanks with some perspective that sets us apart from others.

Start by compiling a list of what you are and are not, what you believe, and what you aspire to, generating insight and self-awareness about the nature of yourself and your existence. Within that list you will undoubtably find the limitations and separations that keep us from fully accepting ourselves and others. 

When I was in a college psych class many years ago I remember this question to define oneself was posed as a writing exercise. 

I eagerly defined myself around my roles and beliefs. Looking back at it now, I wish I would have known then that I am so much more than that. But “that “ is not so easy to put into words.

In the story of Moses meeting God at the burning bush on Mount Sinai he asks this magnificent being who he is. I Am is the response. Poignant in its simplicity. Everything and nothing at once.

What I have come to realize is that I am also everything and nothing at once, and moreover, we all are. Thus we are creatures created in God’s image. Within each of us is the capacity to do incredibly creative and destructive things.  We all are a mixture of dark and light, full of love and open-minded acceptance as well as fear and prejudiced thinking. We are optimistic and cynical, selfish and generous, beautiful and ugly. We have been trained to reject certain aspects within ourselves and in others, but while we may chose not to express them, they remain a part of our existence. There is no one that is all good or all bad.

It is when we see these negative rejected traits in ourselves and others that it ignites a strong reaction.

Guilt, shame, blame, hate all come from the fear and rejection of certain human traits and behaviors we all share.

Humans share many common experiences. We have all suffered the long dark, night, been beaten bloody with self-flagellation, imprisoned in some way by our own recriminations.  We all have deep yearnings for love, happiness, safety and peace. Beginning to look at ourselves more fully and accepting all that we find is powerful. It relieves us of the guilt, shame and "not good enough" feelings that are universally experienced. At the same time it minimizes the pressure to somehow be "better" than someone else. 

When we realize that we are far more than a list of words describing what we do or think, we are able to expand more fully into all we have the potential to be. When we focus more on the common experiences we share rather than the ideology or distance that divides us, we can experience genuine human connection and cultivate peace.

When I slowly began to realize that I, like everyone, was a mixture of all things, I became more fully and freely me. I was able to release the burden of self-judgment and shame for past mistakes and misdeeds, and replace it with understanding and self-compassion. I could make choices and express myself more openly because I was not as concerned with being judged since after all, the harshest judge had always been me. Life became lighter, happier, and far freer. 

Recognizing that I was more than the roles I held allowed a larger vision of who and what I could be. 

Slowly, this self-realization seeped into my perceptions of the world and translated into deeper understanding, compassion and true empathy for others. I regard this as my most profound, life-changing discovery.

Expansion and growth results from investigation and openness. Start by simply filling in what comes after the statement, “I am ___” for you. List everything you can think of, what you are proud of, what you keep hidden away. Interrogate qualities that you embrace and note the moments you are not that. Admit that the qualities you hate at times have been a part of your thoughts or spurred your actions. 

Maybe a good follow up to the statement “I am ___” is, “and also ____”. The beauty and brilliance of each of us is we are this and also that.  Or maybe the ultimate goal is to let the answer be simply “I am ___” and know that that is enough.

It is still difficult at times to resist limiting my definition of myself to my roles, habits and opinions. It is tempting to let the most glaring or glamorous traits of others define who they are and what they stand for. It is dangerous to allow harsh distinctions divide me from others that share the same struggles and complex human experience as me. It can be a challenge to remember to always add an “and also” to myself and everyone else, but I have found that doing so is the closest route to truth, freedom and peace available.

“Do I contradict myself? Very well, then I contradict myself, I am large, I contain multitudes.”  Walt Whitman

“Being true to yourself really means being true to all the complexities of the human spirit.”  Rita Dove

Soild Steps for Uncertain Times

I think for all of us the current political and cultural climate is a bit unsettling right now to say the least. For many of us, myself included it goes beyond that to very disturbing. Even those who do not typically get inolved in these things are being hit with constant coverage of dramatic changes,  impassioned opinions and conflicting facts, these are uncertain times.

In my lifetime in this country there really is nothing that compares to what we have witnessed the past few days and whether you are cheering the changes or fearing the worst it is hard to know what to do. We must answer tough questios from our young people, grapple with our faith or that of others, work with or live with people on opposite sides of current issues. We may know or encounter folks being targeted and not know what to think or say about any of it.

I am extremely fortunate to have had a beautiful vacation the past week during which I did my best to avoid the news and keep my mind off what was going on in the real world choosing instead to be fully present to the beauty of nature and total stress free living.

 When I arrived home Friday things sure changed fast. I caught up on the news watching clips of the inauguration, marches, speeches and executive orders for longer than was wise I am sure. I had long discussions with my coworkers, friends and family about what was happening, what it all meant and how we felt. It really helped to have intelligent, informed and thoughtful people to sift through a lot of this, I am glad it was my weekend to work, grateful for their listening and sharing of ideas.

I must admit, I have been unhinged and deeply troubled by what is going on. It is difficult to know what to do in times like these and I can only imagine many feel the same way. I believe though that in stressful times it is critical we take steps to manage that stress so that we are at our best to manage our lives and be ready for whatever comes our way next.

Step One: Be informed ... just enough.  Choose news from varying credible sources and try to remain open minded. There is plenty of good coverage but it can be very difficult to discern what reality is when we are openly offered "alternative" facts and just about anyone can post anything and make it look legitimate. If you find yourself agitated or overly distresssed consider carefully if you are digesting too much information. There are endless stories, articles, interviews and reports vying for our attention, watch your diet.

Step Two: Care For Yourself Wherever you fall on the issues our environment is extra stressful right now. It is a good time to develop stress reducing techniques and self care routines or up the frequency of your currrent rituals. These may include whatever activities refuel you or bring you peace and joy. Meditation or prayer allows time to decompress and connect spiritually, exercise is proven to increase serotonin levels which helps us feel good emotionally. raises our heart rate to burn off extra physical tension, calories and improve cardio- vascular health all at the same time. Yoga can be a great way to find mind body synergy and deeply relax. Connect with nature, spend time with good friends or family in lighthearted conversation and laughter, read things that inspire or uplift you. Journal your thoughts as a way to release or sort out feelings. Seek a therapist or confidante if you feel the need to talk things through in a safe environment. If you do not have some of these habits now it can take some discipline to start. Chose things you actually enjoy and put them on your schedule, arrange your day so that it is easy to fit in your activity and then do not cut it out. Remind yourself that making time to care for yourself is the best way to ensure you can care for others well, be more productive and creative. Stick with it, habits typically take 30 days to synch in. Try adding some healthy happy habits for 30 days as an experiement and see how you feel.

Step Three Take Some Action: Doing something feels more powerful and proactive than doing nothing. Be involved in community groups or support causes you believe in. Make your representatives aware of how you feel on issues if you have an opinion and are so inclined.
 One of the most powerful things we can all easily do is to increase our acts of kindness and cultivate more compassion for others, especially folks we do not know. Be aware that stress can make fuses short and tempers flare, confusion and uncertainty is rampant which can lead to impulsive behavior.
Be kind. It is amazing how powerful simple acts of kindness and respect de-escalates a situation, creates instant good feelings and builds bridges between people. Being courteous, smiling, lending a hand, listening do not take a lot of time and may make someone elses day, as a bonus it will lift your mood instantly as well.
Try to imagine how someone may think or react differently than you because their life or perspectives may in fact be different from yours. We are all unique individuals and do not think the same. However, we are all the same human race and share the desire for safety, love, dignity and respect. One need not agree to offer understanding or tolerance. As Stephen Covey says,”seek first to understand then to be understood."
Empathy alows us to feel the emotions of others, it is a skill we have in varying degree or maybe not at all. If you are an empath chances are you are on sensory overload right now and really need to be vigilant with self care.
Compassion on the other hand, is the ability to recognize and have concern for the feelings and troubles of others which we can all cultivate more of in ourselves, teach to our children and model for our peers. Finding a way to make a positive impact in a manner that feels right to you no matter how big or small is empowering when things seem out of our control.

For more resources on meditation or journalling see last weeks blog post here.

http://www.lifescapestrategies.com/blog

Look Back to Propel Yourself Forward This Year

Many believe that January was named for the Roman God Janus. Janus seen here, has two faces, one looking forward the other looking back. He is the God of transitions, beginnings, endings and doorways which is apropos. January is the ideal time to look both forward and back to reflect on last years events and achievements and plan for what we want to create and experience in the coming year.

With the frenetic pace of modern living it can be tempting to just keep on keeping on rather than carve out time for deep reflection or to develop detailed plans for the future. But skipping this process robs us of vital insight and possible success.

Looking back informs us of what worked well and where we came up short. It provides a history of what has lead us to be where we currently are and an understanding of why. It also offers a chance to celebrate and be grateful for the experiences we have had, something we tend to do too little of. Human nature predisposes us to focus more heavily on the struggles, personal shortcomings and failures while discounting our achievements, positive attributes and good times.  But it is vital to plug into the positive energy we gain when we do well to boost our confidence, and to prove our abilities to our biggest doubters, ourselves. This energy fuels our ability to accomplish the next dream or goal and contributes to our sense of well being and happiness. Reflection may highlight an area that we are not in alignment with or areas of our lives that we have neglected. It can be disheartening to look back on your year as I did last week and realize that you did not achieve anything noteworthy at all. Not every year is a record breaker, I am ok with that, but it inspired me to be more diligent is setting my agenda for this year and be more dedicated to taking bold action toward my goals. We can examine the choices we made and the results they produced and see more clearly what choices we want to make next. Honest reflection is powerful and future focused since it informs and directs us on our next steps.

Once we have the data from our last experiment, for what is life if not a daring experiment, we are ready to make plans for our next foray into the future. There are diligent goal setters out there that have SMART Goals in all areas of their personal and professional lives and there are many others that have no desire to do this and prefer to go with the flow. I think having a clear idea of where you are going and the steps to take you there is key not only to achieve success but to live with more happiness and fulfillment.

Each year my women's group makes vision boards in January as a means to flesh out our hopes and dreams and focus our energies. We always marvel at the images that speak to our deepest desires that we may not have even been conscious of without this annual exercise. We pull out previous years boards and celebrate the experiences we have had as well as the power and magic of this practice.

Journaling can also be a tool to inform and direct. For many people, myself included, words are weighty and writing something down makes it somehow more real and serious. Journaling throughout the year, monthly recaps or summaries of significant achievements, circumstances and emotions can provide of wealth of information. Working things though on paper can also be therapeutic and provide release and healing.

I believe the more sensory something is the more imprinted it is on our hearts and minds. Sensory simply means to utilize the senses, seeing, hearing, touching, even incorporating aroma helps deepen experiences, anchor ideas and make memories more vivid.I also believe it is best to use everything at our disposal to increase the chances of our reaching our goals and creating the life we want. Chose multiple ways to bring your hopes and dreams to life and keep your goals clearly in front of you to inspire action and maintain motivation.

Use a few methods of reflection and direction as you look both forward and back this January. Set aside time to quiet your mind and listen to what comes to you. Meditation is a wonderful tool to open your mind to what has already occurred and your heart to it's deepest desires in addition to a myriad of other benefits. You will find links for guided meditation and information to get you started below.

Journalling can be as simple as developing a habit to pour all your thoughts randomly on paper when you feel the call, ( my method), or can be guided with prompts and structured with writing formats and schedules. A few journal prompts for January are included below.

With clarity of the end in mind we can then work work back to develop the steps that will take us there. It matters not if your goal is to become a CEO, to travel or run a marathon each requires clarity, planning and persistent action to come to fruition. A good goal setting article is also included below.

January often gets a bad rap as a time to think about the things we should do which can make us feel compelled to do things we really do not want to do. This way of thinking misses the mark entirely and serves to undermine us all. We will never be successful or fulfilled achieving another persons goal, the path to happiness and success is our own to set. I suggest that we think of January as a time to celebrate what has already happened, examining all the information regarding what went well and not so well. Then explore to discover what we truly yearn to do and could do if we just took the time to clarify what we want and had the courage to pursue it.

 Meditation

There are many forms of meditation which has grown in popularity the past few years. Try some methods and just get started all share the benefits of increasing awareness, improving creativity, lowering stress and even blood pressure and cultivating a calm and peaceful existence. Do not be discouraged, it is a practice and will evolve with you. the intent is not to empty the brain as much as itis to simply open it. Many people find it difficult not to be distracted and may do well starting with guided meditation I have included some information for you to get started.

Headspace
There is a website and a free app on your phone that walks you through what meditation is and gives you a 10 minute guided daily practice right on your phone or laptop
Perfect for beginners! 

Transcendental Meditation
A deep practice from India very well researched and documented for it's loads of health and wellbeing benefits. It is a mantra led twice daily practice that I am trained in and endorse. This is the type Oprah, Dr. Oz ,Jim Carrey and many other prominent people including the Beetles have been known to speak about. It requires a few sessions of training that costs a fee and offers lifetime assistance groups and support learn more here
https://www.tm.org

Info
Here is an article which includes 13 apps for meditation
https://flipboard.com/@flipboard/flip.it%2FRqVKBY-13-meditation-apps-that-make-doing-it-e/f-68aa29989e%2Fgreatist.comNew Year Prompts
http://journalbuddies.com/journal_prompts__journal_topics/newwritinideas

http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2014/09/27/30-journaling-prompts-for-self-reflection-and-self-discovery/

Reflection 

http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2014/09/27/30-journaling-prompts-for-self-reflection-and-self-discovery/

Goal Setting
SMART Goals
Goals that are written, clear and your own are most likely to be achieved. SMART goals refers to a method of setting goals highly proven to be effective.
read more:

https://www.mindtools.com/pages/article/smart-goals.htm

Making America Great Again

This whole idea that we need to “Make America Great Again” is troubling. Not that we do not have room to grow in greatness, we certainly do. No, it’s the way this slogan is being used that is disturbing to me. It is code for “we need to make America white again, Christian again, English speaking again”. The key issues of the Republican platform are no longer the staples of small government, strong military, lower taxes and a balanced budget. They have morphed into a nationalist cry against immigration, specifically the terrorist Muslims and the criminal Mexicans. Build a wall, keep us safe from what we do not like or understand, make us look like we used to. These are the ideas a great number of Trump’s supporters longed for and that propelled his candidacy since the beginning. This sentiment rallies many who are uncomfortable with people not like themselves and are worried about the changes in the world around them. Change is scary. It is natural to resist the unknown and to cling to the familiar.  Fear is the root emotion of anger, and no one can deny the anger that boils in Trump and his followers.  He is a classic bully -- name calling, insulting, loud, and brash. For some, this is a quality they admire claiming that he says what all Americans want to but most of our Mothers taught us not to. For others like myself, this quality is the manifestation of everything that is not great in our country. 

Fortunately, he is not saying what all Americans want to. In fact, he is extremely unpopular even within his own party. He has splintered the party and left disparate groups unsure of how to coalesce for the future. Most agree the party is forever changed if not destroyed, and it remains to be seen if this upheaval may bring any good in the long run to a party that has struggled to resonate with a more diverse, modern and increasingly secular population. Lines are drawn between principled conservatives who refuse to support his brand of politics and behavior like respected conservative writer George Will or former presidents Bush. Loyal Republicans that want policy change that aligns to the true party platform but are desperate to win at all costs like Paul Ryan hold their noses to support the nominee and cross their fingers that he will work with them if he wins. The Tea Party and right wing are thrilled of course to have a leader who speaks to their issues including more guns, anti-abortion, anti-gay rights, and to stop the foreigners who are stealing our jobs and ruining our country. So many simply believe the rhetoric that America is in awful shape, Hillary is a criminal, and liberal politics are wrong or just plain evil. They buy it when he says, “I alone can fix it”.

I am unclear where the greatness is here. I think we have had many moments of greatness in this country. When we come together in crisis to care for each other and work together for solutions.  When we provide military or humanitarian aid to other countries in turmoil. When we lead the world by our model of personal freedom, diversity and inclusion. We have shown our greatness through innovation and excellence in everything from sports to science, and built our country on promises of equality and success through hard work. I think we were pretty great when we elected Barack Obama as the first African American president on his message of hope and peace. The whole world celebrated with us this beautiful symbol that our dark history of racism had evolved to this incredible milestone. You could physically feel the positive vibe in the air for months after the election. But what we are currently experiencing is a backlash to this historical event. Trump took center stage after Obama was elected, spreading lies about his background and accusing him of not even being an American, an idea baseless in fact. No other president in history has been accused of not being a citizen, no other forced to show a birth certificate. But even when he did so that did not stop the spread of lies meant to discredit him. Trump in recent months finally admitted that our president is a natural born American citizen. He did this for his own gain of course to tamp down some of his craziest ideas, but added in his statement that it was Hillary who started the whole thing anyway, which of course is untrue and so easily fact checked it bears no more mention here. The ugly truth is that there were (and are) many people who were not ready for a black president, many not comfortable with his foreign sounding name and Muslim father. His message and policy to be more inclusive and accepting of others threatened some who hold traditional and even isolationist ideals. Freedom to worship and marry who you see fit, a women’s right to chose does not sit well with some whose personal beliefs are strong and unyielding. His reluctance to categorize all Islam as evil and perpetuate the idea that a battle between good and evil exists between all Muslims and Christians. Some of his ideas are too open-minded for many, how radical to want to move toward understanding, tolerance and acceptance. It seems to me this is the evolution we are most in need of to be a great people and a great nation. To find acceptance on a personal level is the surest path to peace and happiness, but to do it on a national level would be nothing short of miraculous. Recent events show that we are clearly not ready for that kind of greatness. 

This slogan emblazoned on The Donald’s baseball cap is insulting in itself because what it stands for is all the things that make us not so great. The tendency to bully those who are weaker or different, the hot-headed rush to violence to settle disputes, the reality TV culture that makes up its own reality, the worship of wealth and materialism as a new family value, the entitlement of the elite, the fascination with celebrity, the blaming of others for all of our woes. It is deeply troubling to me to witness so many people support this ugliness. I have devoured information from many sources to examine what is happening.  I have read and listened to sources from multiple perspectives, conservative, liberal, spiritual, non-partisan, philosophical and psychological.  Human behavior has always fascinated me and as infuriating as all this can be I cannot learn enough. I understood who Donald Trump was and what he stood for long ago, and like many, was shocked to see him come this far. I was disturbed by how many see this but overlook or excuse his problems, or even worse, share his thinking. It troubles me so deeply to have a man so volatile and so completely unqualified this close to the presidency. Moreover, the voice he has given to fear and hatred is beginning to both legitimize it and empower it. At the same time it makes us all more callous and even tolerant of it. There are many complex reasons for all this: Erosion of the culture that accepts bad behavior and language that would never have been tolerated less than a generation ago. The information age, that I would argue should be renamed the misinformation age, a constant barrage of multi-media that allows any statement to become fact and the utter acceptance by so many of it as truth despite plentiful evidence to the contrary. The “breaking” news coverage of his outlandish campaign has created his popularity, programming of “news” shows that do little reporting and thrive on controversy and shock value to drive ratings. The 24/7 political coverage, a cover in itself of the issues that really face our nation, a convenient distraction to what really needs our attention. Finally, a climate that is more politically contentious and partisan than ever, in a country increasingly polarized to chose sides and toe the party line no matter the cost. There is little intellectual or even polite discourse to be found. Politics has become identity based and emotionally charged with neither the candidates nor most of the populace able to discuss ideas to find commonality or respectfully disagree.  

Republicans publicly vowed not to work with Obama when he came into office, and mostly they have not. This is not how it is meant to be and is not a service to our country. The two party system was brilliantly designed to provide balance between opposing views to find solid middle ground. That requires respect and the keen interest of the people employed by us to work together for the greater good. But our elected officials do not represent the majority or work for the people when they ignore or reject our choices. Increasingly neither party hears nor heeds the voices of their constituents leaving both sides of the aisle mired in the muck of scandal. Our government is crippled because it is no longer focused on solving problems for the good of the nation but in drawing lines in the sand and refusing to compromise. Self interest and power is the motivation and goal. This is what infuriates us. We are so weary of this three-ring circus we want something, someone, anyone to make it stop. For some that fury fuels their hope that a loud mouth, wild card, outsider could make a difference. Sadly the difference may be dangerous. 

I have always been invested and interested in politics. I was introduced at a young age by my Father. I grew up outside of Washington DC, the daughter of a WWII vet, EEOC lawyer and lifelong civil servant. I spent most of my life as a conservative Republican woman, even a ditto head for a while, though I hate to admit it. The party aligned with my strong Christian values and support of the military, but I slowly became more moderate, and on some issues even liberal.  I found myself becoming more open minded, accepting and compassionate. My black and white view of some issues softened to shades of gray as I matured and found my own insights and self-acceptance. I learned from my work both literally peering inside people’s bodies in diagnostic healthcare and through my clients sharing their hearts with me in my professional coaching practice that we are all the same and have far more in common than it may seem on the surface. I have been fortunate to form friendships with people of all the major religions and from most ethnicities and backgrounds so I know first hand that our hopes and dreams as well as our insecurities and fears are universal. At the same time I was expanding my views my party became more extreme and unyielding, attaching to particular issues like gun rights and choice with a vengeance that went beyond reason and logic. 

Some people do not understand my passion, my one-woman show downs, articles and Facebook battles, undoubtably I offend and alienate many. But at the core of my being fr as long as I remember I know that if one does not stand for what is right they are part of what is wrong. Furthermore, as a student of life and history I know that bad leaders do not come to power simply through the support of people who agree with them but by the inaction of those who do not. I believe that if we allow Trump to win the presidency we send a message to our country and the world that behavior, courtesy, truth, intelligence, experience does not matter and our election process will be forever changed if it already has not.

I believe that what we say and how we act matters. I believe that civility, consideration, compassion and kindness are basic traits we should teach our children, seek out in our friendships and demand from our leaders. I believe that we create an environment that is toxic and incendiary when we disregard these characteristics that set us apart from other mammals.

Like most people I am troubled not only by the candidacy of Donald Trump but by Hillary Clinton as well. I have never been a fan of hers, and frankly she has always largely been disliked for legitimate as well as trumped up reasons. I did not vote for her husband because of the clear evidence of inappropriate behavior before he was elected. Character counts. I did not care that he was smart and a charismatic leader. I did care about the intern, barely an adult, who he took advantage of and lied brazenly about. I remember during those times being in the minority, people teased me for being so old fashioned and out of touch. 

In truth, I still do not like Hillary Clinton. I had to open my mind and learn more about her to gain more confidence in her ability. Despite the Herculean efforts of the right and the media to discredit her, she is still a far more sensible choice, experienced, level-headed, intelligent. We simply cannot risk a wild card in our complex world who admittedly has little to no knowledge or real understanding of law, policy or the diverse population this country includes. I wish like most of us there was another choice, that we could go back and have a do-over, but we cannot. On the other hand, to not participate in the election by making the most responsible choice would be disrespectful of all those that fought for my right to vote throughout history and those that fight today to preserve it. 

How can we Make America Great without great choices for leaders? With politics so nasty and adversarial, what great leader will emerge to be viciously attacked in the future? We have many complex issues here and around the world that need attention and leadership. Maybe the most troubling part of the current atmosphere is that we are not discussing what really matters. We are not seeking solutions. We are allowing our focus to be skewed and our hearts hardened by immature antics, misinformation and letting a wedge be driven between us. Ultimately, it is up to us to make America great again, but first we must look at what greatness is and how we can foster it in ourselves, our families and our communities. It is up to us to hold our leaders accountable and in check, something we have not done for a long time. We have become complacent albeit resentful of corrupt and ineffective politicians but often continue to vote for them resigned to the notion that’s just the way it is. We have created this environment and the culture that these two candidates represent. In a government for the people and by the people it is the people themselves who are called to greatness. Now more than ever we all must choose to heed that call.

The Freedom of Love

Most of the time committed relationships get a bad rap. They are regarded as a loss of freedom and independence to the parties involved. Many people avoid them and are labeled “commitmentphobes”. Others cling to a false idea of self reliance and deny the need for others to make their lives complete or happy. This thinking is perpetuated by strong media and social messages that portray nagging or jealous spouses and partners telling each other white lies or having to ask permission of the other to do something fun. While all these scenarios may indeeed play out in relationships, many relationships are less than ideal and if these factors are present clearly need some tending to.

In reality, healthy relationships are liberating. They provide safe haven for us to fully be all that we are. Whether with close friends, family or lovers, they offer the freedom to drop our facades and get real. We can of course fully be ourselves independently, we can live our lives by our own values and standards if we chose. But humans require close connection and there is no better mirror into our own soul than the reflection of it in anothers eyes.  "No man is an island unto himself,"as Donne famously wrote. There simply are elements of life and of ourselves that can only be fully explored in partnership with someone we trust and connect with deeply.

The prevalent idea of strength and independence is highly valued in America. Needing another is weak, create your own happiness, stand on your own two feet, blaze your own trail and everything you need is within you, are ideas that may have some truth to them. I embrace self reliance and always have, partly because I came from a background with noone to rely on. I too have bought into this notion for many years and have had to overcome my own fears to fully reveal myself to experience the amazing power of this type of freedom. Codependent relationships abound and it is not pretty, it makes sense that we want to gaurd against that. But it is easy to think that shunning codependence and embracing independence excludes interdependence, which is the healthy way that two people support each other and grow more as individuals as a result. This becomes a playground of self discovery, understanding, compassion and joy. In my opinion, this connection is divine and a crucial part of our life purpose.

However, these relationships are rare. People are busy and self focused. We are becoming increasingly impatient and fixated on speed and ease, all things that do not foster intimacy. Relationships take time to develop and care to flourish. Healthy relationships require people that are healthy as individuals and have a high enough level of self acceptance to be able to offer it to another.  They also require risk. All of us have been rejected and hurt and none of us likes it one bit. It takes a good deal of courage to really put yourself out there and risk the pain of rejection. For many people that risk is too scary so they settle for far less or convince themselves they do not need anyone but secretly still yearn. That is a shame, because in doing so they limit the freedom they have to become all that they are.

When we do find one person or maybe a small band of people that provides these beautiful playgrounds for us we must recognize it and treasure it as the gift it is and be willing to set aside our fear and come out and play with all we’ve got. In truth you have nothing to lose. Realtionships do not have to be forever to be valuable. Even pain and loss offer insight and compassion. Look for the relationships that allow you to be seen and accepted as you are and allow you the rare privledge to do that for someone else I assure you you will be richly rewarded.

Reflect on the people in your life that have given the freedom of this sacred space to you and offer a moment of gratitude.

How can you cultivate more freedom to be deeply intimate in your current relationships?

To whom and how do you offer this to others?

What, if anything holds you back?