Are You Underliving?

UNDERLIVING 

VS

 LIVING IT UP

 

Underliving is defined as having an overall lack of passion or purpose in life.  Just getting by, surviving.

It is characterized by boredom and restlessness, being stuck in a rut and a feeling of dissatisfaction.

 

Living it Up is defined as having an overall sense of freedom, fulfillment and passion. Life has meaning and value. It is full of moments of joy and gratitude fun and creativity. It can be described as thriving, achieving and being authentic.

 

Which definition sounds most like your life?

Which one would you chose?

 

 

LifeScape Coaching helps people choose how they want to live their lives, write their own definition of living it up and actually live it

Call now for a free consult 630.664.9740



Sometimes you barely have to change anything to change everything

Life's Smorgasbord

Life is so vast and full.

For me it creates an excitement and desire to experience so much.

However, there is so much to be, do and have it can be overwhelming. So many options... so little time.

It really astounds me though how many people say they are bored, or live on auto pilot rarely experiencing anything new.

In fact, when we greet each other we often ask just that," What's new?"

Invariably we are met with the "nothing, same old thing"  response and typically we agree.

Often this is an automatic reply like " fine" is when asked how we are. But many times I think it is true.

I have made the observation that people tend to get into habits, routines or ruts. We are of course creatures of habits so it is very understandable.

We are met with a smorgasbord of life and not always knowing what to choose stick with what is already on our plate. Why not? We know we like it and even if we don't really like it we know how it tastes so we keep going back for more of the same thing.We see all the fancy exotic dishes and decide we have no room for it, may not like it or it may scare us to give up something familiar to make space for something new.

This thinking leads to settling.

People settle in all kinds of ways in their lives. Their career, relationships, vacations, hobbies even their mental and physical health. We also have many excuses and beliefs that keep us where we are.

The reasons for this are many and complex. But when it gets right down to it we do not have to settle even though we may feel we have no choice. As soon as you decide to do something different you can in fact choose it and do it.

Yes, I know it's not that simple right? It is hard to leave something or someone behind , scary to try something new, lonely to venture out of our comfort zone.

Okay , I agree it can be hard. I also remind you everything you have ever done that was worthwhile was for a time difficult. You may not remember learning to walk, ride a bike, earn a degree, go on a first date, learn to swim, lose a loved one.

And yet once we do it we discover it was not that hard after all or that the benefits outweigh the effort and discomfort.

One of the main motivators for me as a coach is helping people find a way to make room on their plate, to try something they have always wanted, to chose how they want to live and to have the confidence and courage to pursue it.

It has always seemed a shame to me to settle. To tolerate less, to live under our potential, to miss out on the wonders that are around us everyday.

While it is not possible to have all that we want and experience all the world has to offer in one lifetime I think it is possible to  have a pretty good sample platter.



Where do you settle for less than you want?

What do you tell yourself is the reason you put up with this?

How can you make room on your plate for a little bit more?

How can you harness more courage to live more fully the life that you want?

 

 

 

 

Someday...

 

Saturday, September 14, 2013

Some Day...

Ever notice how many things you put off in your life?

It seems everyone I speak with has a list of ideas, goals or dreams they are waiting to get around to.
Mine includes learning to sail, moving into the city, traveling to Italy as well as smaller things like new bedroom furniture and taking a Tai Chi class with my daughter.

So what holds you back?
Of course there are the biggies; time and money.
I can point to that reason myself.
Some of the others I hear are I have to wait till the kids are older, I cant take time off work, I don't know how, I am waiting to get my shit together.
The last one is my favorite. what does that mean exactly?
And how will you know when it occurs?

The truth is we never have enough time or money and certainly never have all our shit together.
Because of this we also never do all the things we want. Sometimes that leads to dissatisfaction or even regret and it always leads to living less fully than we truly want to.
The things in our hearts shift to the category of a vague someday, nearly forgotten.

I wonder if we are really held back by our reasons or if they just allow us to hide in the comfort of familiarity not pushing our comfort zones and ignoring the small voice inside us that begs for adventure and experiences?

In all honestly I had the perfect opportunity to travel to Italy 6 years ago, I told myself I could not because my daughters needed me to be here. It seemed valid at the time but in reality I could have easily been away 10 days and they would of enjoyed the break from me I am sure.

One of the values I have that lead me to be a coach is a passion for living life fully.
There is so much for us to experience and enjoy. It deeply troubles me when people do not live fully.
It seems an insult to all we have been blessed with to not experience the beauty and richness of all the world has to offer or at least take a good shot at it.

I think the main reasons we do not is a lack of awareness and fear.

First, we need to become aware of what interests us and what we are passionate about.
It is surprising how many people do not really know what those things are.
Secondly, we must have the courage to push through our fear and limiting thinking to go outside our comfort zone.
Lastly, we must do what it is we most want and if we do not immediately have the resources available create a plan to make it happen rather than just relegate our ideas, goals and dreams to the unending Limbo of someday.

I ascribe to the thinking that if something calls to your soul you are meant to do it.
I aspire to push through my comfort zones to live it.

“There is nothing capricious in nature and the implanting of a desire indicates that its gratification is in the constitution of the creature that feel it.”Ralph Waldo Emerson

“Life begins at the end of your comfort zone.” Neale Donald Walsch

Fireflies and Flying High

I remember when my kids were little catching lightening bugs and trapping them in a jar. I had done it once or twice as a kid and it seemed like such a simple summer evening activity.



They are fascinating little creatures; so fun to hunt and catch then watch as they glow in the jar. We would poke holes in the top of an old jelly jar, add grass and a few drops of water, I imagine you may have done the same.

Unfortunately, we would occasionally forget to set them free or maybe we wanted to keep them as pets but invariably it was not very long till their lights stop shining and they were lying at the bottom of the jar. They could not thrive trapped.

It occurred to me the other day how we each have our own light to shine and how we sometimes find ourselves stuck in that jar not thriving.

There is something unique that is within each of us to share . Those that discover it and are bold enough to pursue it and share it live extraordinary lives of more fulfillment, satisfaction and success. Those that don't tend to instinctively know something is missing, are bored and restless or disengaged and depressed. There are many that know they are called to do more but chose to hold back, allowing themselves to be trapped like the firefly in the jar destined to grow dimmer and never really fly.

Many times we are unaware we are doing this.  I think we fail to make the connection of feeling restless and bored to not fully being or expressing ourselves. Frankly, it is so common to hold back and play it safe it is almost expected and even encouraged.

It seems so simple that if there is something for us to be or do that we naturally would, but so often we don't. We hold back in fear.

Fear we will be rejected or fail, that our dreams won't come true so we do not want to try.

We trick ourselves into believing that if we do not try it will not hurt to miss the mark, we will not look stupid, we won't be laughed at.

The crazy thing is that in avoiding this possible failure we keep ourselves from having any chance at real greatness and the joy of being fully and fabulously ourselves. We unwittingly sentence ourselves to ho hum lives and the dissatisfaction of wondering "what if" just to insure we protect ourselves from a possible painful moment.

Believe me, I know how difficult this is to overcome. To take the time to search out what it is that you have that makes you shine the brightest. To boldly step out to share what you have, to defy all the naysayers that do not understand. I also know that great things and good times are never easy. And I know that the alternative most think is the safe choice is no picnic either. In fact, I contend in the long run it is far harder to live as less than you could be than to risk it all to shine and fly free.

The truth is it comes down to choice. What do you believe?

Are you willing to fly high and shine bright or will you trap yourself in the jelly jar?

 

 

 

The Value of Values

Personal values are not something most of us think or talk about much. Some even do not know how to define the word values it seems to refer to some lofty ideals or moral stand. In actuality personal values are just the things that matter most to you.

The fact that they are authentic and important to you is the only thing that gives them value.

Even with this definition it may have been a while since you put words to what matters most in your life. Why bother you may ask, I just know. Sometimes you may be surprised however when you define, name and list them. You discover things that have gone by the way side or find that they way you prioritize has shifted.

The value in knowing your values is simply this: when you live in alignment with them you will be happier and more successful. When we are clear on our values and make choices based on them things tend to go smoother and easier even when there are difficulties we feel more at comfortable knowing we are in alignment to what is important to us.

Conversely, when we do not know our values or are operating in opposition to them we will struggle, feel stressed- out and inauthentic. We often do not even realize this but we sure know how it feels.

Ever tell someones secret to someone else and feel sick to your stomach? You probably deeply value trustworthiness, friendship or privacy.

How about when you find your dream job where you set your own hours and are self directed? You probably value independence and personal freedom very highly.

In both our professional and personal lives values are key to more satisfaction and happiness as well as more success. Let’s face it, we work harder, better and longer when we like something and the best part is we don’t mind doing it. That is how we feel when work within our values. In our personal relationships we all know people that we meet that we just click with, having little conflict and very similar interests. If you are like me you could always use more of these people in your life. Chances are very good that these folks share your deepest values or ones that are very similar. On the other hand having people in our lives that oppose our values leads to discord and conflict.

I recommend assessing your personal and professional values every six months. They do tend to shift a bit and change priority status overtime. I have found it very helpful to myself and my clients to not only look for ways to create more outlets and alignment but also to find awareness of how we are not honoring or even are opposing them. Being clear on these can also explain why some things really bother you and how you can assert that same value to find relief.

You can make a simple inventory of words and list as many concepts and characteristics you can think of. Creativity, freedom, honesty, fun, nature, knowledge, curiosity, experience, adventure, religion, romance, health, fitness, laughter and so on.

Then go through the list several times narrowing to the top 10 then further to the top 5.

Reflect on how these impact your life where you are in line with them as well as areas that you may be out of synch. Make an effort to base your decisions and spend your time in honor to them and you will begin to see a difference in your life.

If you would like my simple values assessment tool I will be happy to email one to you. Just send me an email request for either the personal or professional values assessment or take both they are free and easy to use.

Julia@lifescapesite.com

Choosing To Move Forward

Looking at the choices we make on a day to day basis clarifies whether we are moving forward in our lives or not. Honestly asking ourselves about what we are doing and why while being willing to own the answers to change and grow is critical to get new results.

The hardest part of change is change. We naturally go back to our default tendencies our patterns and habits our comfort zones but this tendency is what keeps us stuck year after year. It is possible to make radical changes in our life. We can change our habits of thought and behavior. We can live with more authenticity, meaning, passion and success if we choose to. But we must be conscious of our choosing as well as diligent and committed. Understanding of course that to change requires change.

It is tempting to do some things and not others. To believe we are really trying when truthfully we are just testing the waters. It is hard to realize that this year looks a lot like last year and to admit that our game needs to be seriously stepped up. But it is vital to start with knowing that the common denominator is always ourselves and while that may not feel so good the good news is that we have the power to change that.

If all that does not sound so great to you maybe mediocrity suits you or maybe like so many others you will tell yourself you must settle for what you can get and spend your time wishing or complaining, feeling bored or stuck in a rut.That is a choice too and frankly, that is the popular choice. However, if that is not what you want and you yearn for more. You know you are here to live fully and be your best then start by taking a hard look at what you are really doing and the choices you make everyday.

I credit a seminar several years ago with Debbie Ford as providing me an aha moment that redefined who I thought I was. It was transformational in that it permanently shifted my view of myself. I obviously am a big fan of her work and was deeply sad we lost her recently but so grateful for the impact her work has had on me and countless others.

I recently finished her book The 10 Right Questions and again was struck with new revelations and insights. It became clear that I was not making daily choices that served my best vision of myself and my business. It was apparent where and why I was falling short. What a gift this is as I can now chose to fully explore these insights and move forward differently.

I highly recommend you read the book.

But will give you some of my thoughts it inspired.

One thing that is crucial when making a choice Ford says to ask whether it will bring short term gratification or longterm satisfaction. This measure I find is often overlooked by myself and others. We are a culture built on short term quick fixes and pleasure, this was the leading cause of our economic troubles as a nation in fact. Short term is seemingly easy way to live but it has huge obvious costs, robbing us of resources for our big picture dreams and goals.

Also, investigating whether you are being true to yourself or trying to please another. Doing what others think is best or putting everyone else first may at times seem generous and caring but really it undermines the only real responsibility you have and that is to be fully you. Doing this can also be a way we hide from being and doing what we truly want having the convenient excuse that we have other obligations.

Are you acting out of fear or faith? This one highlights the fact that all our decisions according to Ford and others will be based on these motivators. Sometimes it is the  fear something may not work out, rejection or looking bad rather than having faith in yourself and that things will work out well or at least the way they should for the greater good.

Looking for what is right. In all situations and on any given day we choose to focus on what is right and positive or what is wrong and negative. For most people focusing and talking about what is wrong is a major habit and pass time. Truly we are surrounded by this thinking daily. However, it is still up to us to acknowledge and choose whether we  look for what is right or what is wrong. There is no way around it you will find what you are looking for and feed what you are focusing on. This one habit is so powerful I think because it directly impacts your interaction with others, the results you get, your mood, success and happiness.

The whole idea of personal development coaching and self help training of all types is to bring awareness so that other choices can be made that work better. Through examining our choices and our actions honestly we can determine if we are on the right path in time to make adjustments or forge a new one.

“ The unexamined life is not worth living” 

Socrates

 

Getting What You Really Want

Have you ever really wanted something, worked hard for it, got it and felt dissatisfied or let down with it?

Chances are you have and on more than one occasion. This is very common and troubling for all of us at times.

There are very specific reasons this happens which are based in our thinking shaped by what we have and have not been taught. The good news is there are also ways to overcome it and find the satisfaction, success and happiness you seek.

 

Think about the things you want as packages for something you are truly after.

 

For instance; you really want a certain position in your company. You structure your goals and go for it. Once you achieve that role you are dissatisfied and even unhappy. The hours are longer than you thought, the work is not fulfilling, it leaves little room for your creative talents.

In this example you went for the package you thought would contain what you were really after. More flexible hours, more creative fulfilling work, you wanted those things so that you would enjoy more personal freedom and satisfaction. So that you would have an outlet through your work to make a difference, matter and have balance. However, the position was a just a package for you to attain what you really wanted and it simply was not in there.

 

We all think we want a wide array of things but usually they are just packages we hope contain our deepest desires.This happens in all areas of our lives; with career, weight loss and fitness goals and even relationships.

 

Typically we have learned to want, visualize and pursue the package of our deeper yearnings and desires rather than going for that in the first place or insuring that the package actually contains what we seek. Most of the time those deeper longings are not  even in our awareness. We have been told from many sources what things we need to be successful and happy and rarely talk about the few basic things and feelings we personally crave so many wind up pursuing dissatisfying things.

To avoid this requires some soul searching and self awareness.

It takes some honest thought to discover our most heartfelt desires but it is well worth it.

 

Start by considering what you want and then ask why you want it

.

For instance, many people want a partner or love relationship. They can describe who they want in great detail. Height, weight, personality traits, appearance, income, interests and so on. Sometimes they are thrilled to find someone that closely resembles this, their “list “ person. However, soon they may feel something is lacking. In this example what they wanted is more than just the list, they are after something personal that a loving relationship can bring. It differs a bit for all of us but may include a feeling of security, affirmation, deep connection, acceptance it is a very personal thing that we find with someone special. It is what is inside the package of the list person that we find it or not.

 

Unfortunately when this happens, especially in relationships, we think there is something wrong with us. We think “why don’t I appreciate what I have?” Others may describe us as spoiled or never satisfied and we feel selfish, unrealistic or bad.

Most chose to ignore or tolerate this residual wanting and learn to take what they can get. Others continue to seek more shiny packages and hope that one day they will get lucky and open the “one”.Still others convince themselves that this is as good as it gets.

 

This contributes to why so many people stay in jobs they do not enjoy, relationships that are lackluster or lifestyles that are in a rut.

 

So what to do if you are not wiling to settle?

 

Congratulations! This is step one in a more fabulous and fulfilling life!

 

List the things you want

Detail why you want them

What do you hope to feel and achieve?

How does this serve you or help you grow?

Is it aligned with you highest values?

Does it move you toward your big picture vision of your self and your life?

 

For example I want______________ so that____________________

 

it may take more than one layer of “so that” to get to the main underlying desire.

I encourage you to dig.

When you have thoroughly excavated your list and are sure the packages contain what you seek... go for it! As a bonus you will find more energy and motivation than ever in your pursuits.

If however you discover it does not contain what you are after now you have at least identified what that is and can find something that will contain it.

 

This process can be tricky, it requires honest, intuitive thought and may go against other teaching or processes you have used in the past. You may require assistance to work through it with a great but unbiased friend or professional. But if like most of us you have worked hard to be disappointed I think you will agree it is worth it to work a bit smarter to be greatly rewarded.