Someday...

 

Saturday, September 14, 2013

Some Day...

Ever notice how many things you put off in your life?

It seems everyone I speak with has a list of ideas, goals or dreams they are waiting to get around to.
Mine includes learning to sail, moving into the city, traveling to Italy as well as smaller things like new bedroom furniture and taking a Tai Chi class with my daughter.

So what holds you back?
Of course there are the biggies; time and money.
I can point to that reason myself.
Some of the others I hear are I have to wait till the kids are older, I cant take time off work, I don't know how, I am waiting to get my shit together.
The last one is my favorite. what does that mean exactly?
And how will you know when it occurs?

The truth is we never have enough time or money and certainly never have all our shit together.
Because of this we also never do all the things we want. Sometimes that leads to dissatisfaction or even regret and it always leads to living less fully than we truly want to.
The things in our hearts shift to the category of a vague someday, nearly forgotten.

I wonder if we are really held back by our reasons or if they just allow us to hide in the comfort of familiarity not pushing our comfort zones and ignoring the small voice inside us that begs for adventure and experiences?

In all honestly I had the perfect opportunity to travel to Italy 6 years ago, I told myself I could not because my daughters needed me to be here. It seemed valid at the time but in reality I could have easily been away 10 days and they would of enjoyed the break from me I am sure.

One of the values I have that lead me to be a coach is a passion for living life fully.
There is so much for us to experience and enjoy. It deeply troubles me when people do not live fully.
It seems an insult to all we have been blessed with to not experience the beauty and richness of all the world has to offer or at least take a good shot at it.

I think the main reasons we do not is a lack of awareness and fear.

First, we need to become aware of what interests us and what we are passionate about.
It is surprising how many people do not really know what those things are.
Secondly, we must have the courage to push through our fear and limiting thinking to go outside our comfort zone.
Lastly, we must do what it is we most want and if we do not immediately have the resources available create a plan to make it happen rather than just relegate our ideas, goals and dreams to the unending Limbo of someday.

I ascribe to the thinking that if something calls to your soul you are meant to do it.
I aspire to push through my comfort zones to live it.

“There is nothing capricious in nature and the implanting of a desire indicates that its gratification is in the constitution of the creature that feel it.”Ralph Waldo Emerson

“Life begins at the end of your comfort zone.” Neale Donald Walsch

Fireflies and Flying High

I remember when my kids were little catching lightening bugs and trapping them in a jar. I had done it once or twice as a kid and it seemed like such a simple summer evening activity.



They are fascinating little creatures; so fun to hunt and catch then watch as they glow in the jar. We would poke holes in the top of an old jelly jar, add grass and a few drops of water, I imagine you may have done the same.

Unfortunately, we would occasionally forget to set them free or maybe we wanted to keep them as pets but invariably it was not very long till their lights stop shining and they were lying at the bottom of the jar. They could not thrive trapped.

It occurred to me the other day how we each have our own light to shine and how we sometimes find ourselves stuck in that jar not thriving.

There is something unique that is within each of us to share . Those that discover it and are bold enough to pursue it and share it live extraordinary lives of more fulfillment, satisfaction and success. Those that don't tend to instinctively know something is missing, are bored and restless or disengaged and depressed. There are many that know they are called to do more but chose to hold back, allowing themselves to be trapped like the firefly in the jar destined to grow dimmer and never really fly.

Many times we are unaware we are doing this.  I think we fail to make the connection of feeling restless and bored to not fully being or expressing ourselves. Frankly, it is so common to hold back and play it safe it is almost expected and even encouraged.

It seems so simple that if there is something for us to be or do that we naturally would, but so often we don't. We hold back in fear.

Fear we will be rejected or fail, that our dreams won't come true so we do not want to try.

We trick ourselves into believing that if we do not try it will not hurt to miss the mark, we will not look stupid, we won't be laughed at.

The crazy thing is that in avoiding this possible failure we keep ourselves from having any chance at real greatness and the joy of being fully and fabulously ourselves. We unwittingly sentence ourselves to ho hum lives and the dissatisfaction of wondering "what if" just to insure we protect ourselves from a possible painful moment.

Believe me, I know how difficult this is to overcome. To take the time to search out what it is that you have that makes you shine the brightest. To boldly step out to share what you have, to defy all the naysayers that do not understand. I also know that great things and good times are never easy. And I know that the alternative most think is the safe choice is no picnic either. In fact, I contend in the long run it is far harder to live as less than you could be than to risk it all to shine and fly free.

The truth is it comes down to choice. What do you believe?

Are you willing to fly high and shine bright or will you trap yourself in the jelly jar?

 

 

 

The Value of Values

Personal values are not something most of us think or talk about much. Some even do not know how to define the word values it seems to refer to some lofty ideals or moral stand. In actuality personal values are just the things that matter most to you.

The fact that they are authentic and important to you is the only thing that gives them value.

Even with this definition it may have been a while since you put words to what matters most in your life. Why bother you may ask, I just know. Sometimes you may be surprised however when you define, name and list them. You discover things that have gone by the way side or find that they way you prioritize has shifted.

The value in knowing your values is simply this: when you live in alignment with them you will be happier and more successful. When we are clear on our values and make choices based on them things tend to go smoother and easier even when there are difficulties we feel more at comfortable knowing we are in alignment to what is important to us.

Conversely, when we do not know our values or are operating in opposition to them we will struggle, feel stressed- out and inauthentic. We often do not even realize this but we sure know how it feels.

Ever tell someones secret to someone else and feel sick to your stomach? You probably deeply value trustworthiness, friendship or privacy.

How about when you find your dream job where you set your own hours and are self directed? You probably value independence and personal freedom very highly.

In both our professional and personal lives values are key to more satisfaction and happiness as well as more success. Let’s face it, we work harder, better and longer when we like something and the best part is we don’t mind doing it. That is how we feel when work within our values. In our personal relationships we all know people that we meet that we just click with, having little conflict and very similar interests. If you are like me you could always use more of these people in your life. Chances are very good that these folks share your deepest values or ones that are very similar. On the other hand having people in our lives that oppose our values leads to discord and conflict.

I recommend assessing your personal and professional values every six months. They do tend to shift a bit and change priority status overtime. I have found it very helpful to myself and my clients to not only look for ways to create more outlets and alignment but also to find awareness of how we are not honoring or even are opposing them. Being clear on these can also explain why some things really bother you and how you can assert that same value to find relief.

You can make a simple inventory of words and list as many concepts and characteristics you can think of. Creativity, freedom, honesty, fun, nature, knowledge, curiosity, experience, adventure, religion, romance, health, fitness, laughter and so on.

Then go through the list several times narrowing to the top 10 then further to the top 5.

Reflect on how these impact your life where you are in line with them as well as areas that you may be out of synch. Make an effort to base your decisions and spend your time in honor to them and you will begin to see a difference in your life.

If you would like my simple values assessment tool I will be happy to email one to you. Just send me an email request for either the personal or professional values assessment or take both they are free and easy to use.

Julia@lifescapesite.com

Choosing To Move Forward

Looking at the choices we make on a day to day basis clarifies whether we are moving forward in our lives or not. Honestly asking ourselves about what we are doing and why while being willing to own the answers to change and grow is critical to get new results.

The hardest part of change is change. We naturally go back to our default tendencies our patterns and habits our comfort zones but this tendency is what keeps us stuck year after year. It is possible to make radical changes in our life. We can change our habits of thought and behavior. We can live with more authenticity, meaning, passion and success if we choose to. But we must be conscious of our choosing as well as diligent and committed. Understanding of course that to change requires change.

It is tempting to do some things and not others. To believe we are really trying when truthfully we are just testing the waters. It is hard to realize that this year looks a lot like last year and to admit that our game needs to be seriously stepped up. But it is vital to start with knowing that the common denominator is always ourselves and while that may not feel so good the good news is that we have the power to change that.

If all that does not sound so great to you maybe mediocrity suits you or maybe like so many others you will tell yourself you must settle for what you can get and spend your time wishing or complaining, feeling bored or stuck in a rut.That is a choice too and frankly, that is the popular choice. However, if that is not what you want and you yearn for more. You know you are here to live fully and be your best then start by taking a hard look at what you are really doing and the choices you make everyday.

I credit a seminar several years ago with Debbie Ford as providing me an aha moment that redefined who I thought I was. It was transformational in that it permanently shifted my view of myself. I obviously am a big fan of her work and was deeply sad we lost her recently but so grateful for the impact her work has had on me and countless others.

I recently finished her book The 10 Right Questions and again was struck with new revelations and insights. It became clear that I was not making daily choices that served my best vision of myself and my business. It was apparent where and why I was falling short. What a gift this is as I can now chose to fully explore these insights and move forward differently.

I highly recommend you read the book.

But will give you some of my thoughts it inspired.

One thing that is crucial when making a choice Ford says to ask whether it will bring short term gratification or longterm satisfaction. This measure I find is often overlooked by myself and others. We are a culture built on short term quick fixes and pleasure, this was the leading cause of our economic troubles as a nation in fact. Short term is seemingly easy way to live but it has huge obvious costs, robbing us of resources for our big picture dreams and goals.

Also, investigating whether you are being true to yourself or trying to please another. Doing what others think is best or putting everyone else first may at times seem generous and caring but really it undermines the only real responsibility you have and that is to be fully you. Doing this can also be a way we hide from being and doing what we truly want having the convenient excuse that we have other obligations.

Are you acting out of fear or faith? This one highlights the fact that all our decisions according to Ford and others will be based on these motivators. Sometimes it is the  fear something may not work out, rejection or looking bad rather than having faith in yourself and that things will work out well or at least the way they should for the greater good.

Looking for what is right. In all situations and on any given day we choose to focus on what is right and positive or what is wrong and negative. For most people focusing and talking about what is wrong is a major habit and pass time. Truly we are surrounded by this thinking daily. However, it is still up to us to acknowledge and choose whether we  look for what is right or what is wrong. There is no way around it you will find what you are looking for and feed what you are focusing on. This one habit is so powerful I think because it directly impacts your interaction with others, the results you get, your mood, success and happiness.

The whole idea of personal development coaching and self help training of all types is to bring awareness so that other choices can be made that work better. Through examining our choices and our actions honestly we can determine if we are on the right path in time to make adjustments or forge a new one.

“ The unexamined life is not worth living” 

Socrates

 

Getting What You Really Want

Have you ever really wanted something, worked hard for it, got it and felt dissatisfied or let down with it?

Chances are you have and on more than one occasion. This is very common and troubling for all of us at times.

There are very specific reasons this happens which are based in our thinking shaped by what we have and have not been taught. The good news is there are also ways to overcome it and find the satisfaction, success and happiness you seek.

 

Think about the things you want as packages for something you are truly after.

 

For instance; you really want a certain position in your company. You structure your goals and go for it. Once you achieve that role you are dissatisfied and even unhappy. The hours are longer than you thought, the work is not fulfilling, it leaves little room for your creative talents.

In this example you went for the package you thought would contain what you were really after. More flexible hours, more creative fulfilling work, you wanted those things so that you would enjoy more personal freedom and satisfaction. So that you would have an outlet through your work to make a difference, matter and have balance. However, the position was a just a package for you to attain what you really wanted and it simply was not in there.

 

We all think we want a wide array of things but usually they are just packages we hope contain our deepest desires.This happens in all areas of our lives; with career, weight loss and fitness goals and even relationships.

 

Typically we have learned to want, visualize and pursue the package of our deeper yearnings and desires rather than going for that in the first place or insuring that the package actually contains what we seek. Most of the time those deeper longings are not  even in our awareness. We have been told from many sources what things we need to be successful and happy and rarely talk about the few basic things and feelings we personally crave so many wind up pursuing dissatisfying things.

To avoid this requires some soul searching and self awareness.

It takes some honest thought to discover our most heartfelt desires but it is well worth it.

 

Start by considering what you want and then ask why you want it

.

For instance, many people want a partner or love relationship. They can describe who they want in great detail. Height, weight, personality traits, appearance, income, interests and so on. Sometimes they are thrilled to find someone that closely resembles this, their “list “ person. However, soon they may feel something is lacking. In this example what they wanted is more than just the list, they are after something personal that a loving relationship can bring. It differs a bit for all of us but may include a feeling of security, affirmation, deep connection, acceptance it is a very personal thing that we find with someone special. It is what is inside the package of the list person that we find it or not.

 

Unfortunately when this happens, especially in relationships, we think there is something wrong with us. We think “why don’t I appreciate what I have?” Others may describe us as spoiled or never satisfied and we feel selfish, unrealistic or bad.

Most chose to ignore or tolerate this residual wanting and learn to take what they can get. Others continue to seek more shiny packages and hope that one day they will get lucky and open the “one”.Still others convince themselves that this is as good as it gets.

 

This contributes to why so many people stay in jobs they do not enjoy, relationships that are lackluster or lifestyles that are in a rut.

 

So what to do if you are not wiling to settle?

 

Congratulations! This is step one in a more fabulous and fulfilling life!

 

List the things you want

Detail why you want them

What do you hope to feel and achieve?

How does this serve you or help you grow?

Is it aligned with you highest values?

Does it move you toward your big picture vision of your self and your life?

 

For example I want______________ so that____________________

 

it may take more than one layer of “so that” to get to the main underlying desire.

I encourage you to dig.

When you have thoroughly excavated your list and are sure the packages contain what you seek... go for it! As a bonus you will find more energy and motivation than ever in your pursuits.

If however you discover it does not contain what you are after now you have at least identified what that is and can find something that will contain it.

 

This process can be tricky, it requires honest, intuitive thought and may go against other teaching or processes you have used in the past. You may require assistance to work through it with a great but unbiased friend or professional. But if like most of us you have worked hard to be disappointed I think you will agree it is worth it to work a bit smarter to be greatly rewarded.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Follow Your Dreams and Passions

As you probably have realized by now, I am a huge proponent of pursuing your dreams and passions with all you've got. I believe we all have strong desires to do fun, meaningful and important things. I believe that the nagging ones we have that really stir us are not to be ignored.  That you have that strong nagging desire for a reason and it is best you answer the call. Trust me, it is within you to do so even if it seems a stretch, that is why you have the call. I also know that when we  do pursue the desires and  ideas we are most passionate about and work to achieve our most meaningful goals we are the happiest and most fulfilled. On the contrary when we do not we can become resentful,  bored and deeply dissatisfied.

This is a belief I have always had and cherished. As a result  I have always admired people that live their lives this way.

My daughter Jessica is one of the people I admire for this very reason. She is currently preparing to leave for her Peace Corps service in Costa Rica on July 8. Jessica has had a call to serve others for many years and has logged many hours volunteering locally in a variety of programs from crisis intervention to teaching ESL.

Our family has always valued service and volunteering as well as an interest in people and other cultures. I clearly recall the article she read on the horrific ordeal of rape victims in Darfur when she was about 15 years old and her telling me she wanted to go there to do something to help. Since then she has not wavered in her commitment to serve in a 3rd world country. It has been a long process to get accepted to serve in The U.S. Peace Corps after graduating college but we are now counting down the days as she prepares to depart for the next 27 months as a volunteer working with youth services in  rural Costa Rica.

My three children all share my passion for following dreams and achieving goals and I admire them all for it. We are a close family and spend a lot of time together. Jessica will be greatly missed but at the same time we share her excitment and look forward to the life changing experience she will have and the connection and impact she will make there.

All of us have dreams, passions and desires. Sometimes life gets in the way and we can lose track of them even forgetting them at times. But if we listen carefully they remain. They can be the source of restlessness or discontent a nagging feeling something is missing or a loud siren alerting us it is time to take action.

I believe that those of us bold enough to  follow these calls are richly rewarded and all of us are better for it as well.

"There is nothing capricious in nature and the implanting of a desire indicates that its gratification is in the constitution of the creature that feel it" Ralph Waldo Emerson

“If one advances confidently in the direction of one's dreams, and endeavors to live the life which one has imagined, one will meet with a success unexpected in common hours.” Henry David Thoreau

Mother's Are Always Role Models

I have in recent years come to realize how much influence my mother has had on my life.

For a long time I minimized her impact preferring to think because I am so different from her that I was not very influenced by her at all.

The truth is that many of my strongest characteristics, my lifestyle and even my career can be connected  to lessons and conclusions drawn from her.

I should say that my Mother and I are not close, she is reserved, negative and has never been the affectionate or motherly type. She is a home body and loner.

I am passionate, optimistic, affectionate and expressive.

I have a strong maternal instinct and am dedicated, loving, affectionate to my children. Some say I do too much but  I have given all I have to my kids; my heart, soul, money and time. I took my job very seriously, still do.

I am independent, confident and social enjoying all of life.

In these ways and others we are very different women; values, ideals, styles. Her influence is apparent in my choice to be so different.

Recognizing her impact on me as well as the impact I have had on my own children has been both humbling and profound. Being a Mother is an enormous undertaking and responsibility. Mothers have more impact on their children in most cases, than any other being in their lives.That impact can be a powerful, positive force forming a solid foundation for their lives or a negative weight that may hinder them for years to come. Most often it is a mixture of both and maybe as Moms all we can strive for is to offer an experience that is more positive and solid than negative and weighty.

There is no denying however that we are role models; whether modeling the traits and behaviors to avoid or ideally showing through shining example how to be a well balanced, healthy, happy and successful human being.

Somehow I instinctively knew that when raising my kids. I recall being very aware of the responsibility and enormity of the task.

Certainly, I  model  behaviors and traits that are not the best, but overall I see in my grown children many positive ideals, values, habits and behaviors that I share or influenced. I have been fortunate that they are all smart enough to have adopted the good and improved on most of  the others.

So many times when our children are growing up we think they are not listening, but one day you will overhear them giving some of your advice or passionately defending a value you hold dear.

Keep in mind they are watching too. They see who we really are. They know if we walk the talk and live our ideals. They learn values from our behaviors more than  just what we say.

Children adopt their sense of themselves from their mothers, their view of others and the world as well as hundreds of other attitudes and beliefs. This does not lessen the impact and importance of Fathers or other influences but most of the time the Mother has a primary and unique role. If you really take it on it is a massive job to be a Mom. It is both exhausting and greatly rewarding but there is no greater impact you can make on the world than to give to it wonderful human beings.

Mothers are always role models.

Are you being the role model you want your children to have?

Happy Mothers Day!