Wisdom of the Oldies

"You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes you just might find, you get what you need.." The Rolling Stones When you are from a certain generation there seems to be something about Summer that reignites an interest in the songs of our youth. Event planners know this of course and fill the Summer festival stages with acts that had their hay days long ago. I sometimes think lyrics from some of theseoldies are more poignant than much of what I hear these days. Now I am really dating myself. I love the line quoted above and find more meaning to it in my upper forties than when I used to belt it out with the radio blaring Mick's iconic voice. Chalk it up to another lesson I had to learn the hard way. "You can't always get what you want" True. Often we do not even know what we want or we think we do and once we get it discover we were terribly mistaken. In my life there have been many things I have pursued with certainty, determination and achieved but later changed my mind or found it was not all it was cracked up to be. Rarely do we get exactly what we want and typically it does not turn out to be exactly what we thought. In hindsight these disappointments guide us to a better knowing of ourselves as well as more insight into what we do want and why. "If you try sometimes you just might find you get what you need". More true.The beauty of not getting what we want is in the discovery that we have gotten exactly what we needed instead. Sometimes it can be painful or uncomfortable but when we are open we can reap so many benefits of not achieving what we thought we wanted. So many times we arrogantly think we know what is best and can be headstrong in our pursuits doing whatever it takes to make things happen. I remember being like that when I was younger, determined to make things happen and very frustrated when they did not work out the way I thought they should. It caused a lot of pressure and anxiety that I am glad I have let go of now, ( mostly). There are other times we become so focused on something specific that we miss real opportunities for something wonderful. A good example is personal relationships. We think we know just what type of person suits us, how the relationship should work and how long it should last. We may even have a list or vision of the partner of our dreams in great detail. Funny thing is we do not usually think of the things that really matter and are puzzled when we find someone that suits our description but we just are not really feeling what we thought we should. As with other goals and dreams we can miss great opportunities for profound relationships because they do not match what we think we are looking for, doing this can lead to a lot of lonely nights. However, this goes well beyond relationships, there is even a term for it, miswanting, and it plays out in all aspects of life. One of the things I love about people is how fickle we are. We are so dynamic and complex always changing and growing this contributes to the difficulties we face with getting what we want. We change our minds while at the same time life changes and  offers us surprises that we never could have imagined. As a life coach creating a vision of what you want, developing the goals and strategies to achieve it is kind of my bread and butter. I have learned through the years to set goals and work diligently toward them but to remain open to what comes my way as well and I encourage my clients to do the same. The truth is we do not always know what we want or what will bring us what we really need and deeply desire. I have changed course many times and enjoyed some fantastic detours with people and experiences I could never have imagined as a result.  It is critical to clarify your vision of the life you want to create, set goals and take action to be sure. Life is too wonderful and precious not to make solid plans but we must also keep our arms and eyes wide open to the opportunities and surprises along the way so that we have the best chance to not only get what we want but also to get what we need. This Summer I will belt out that old Stones tune with even more abandon and joy knowing that I am perfectly happy and forever grateful that I can't always get what I want but if I try sometimes I sure have found that I get what I need…yeah baby... Key Steps to Get What You Want & What You Need  Self Awareness. Know and trust yourself. Investigate your dreams and desires, identify your motives and drivers. Clarify what and why. Develop strategies, set goal and make plans. Set up step by step action plans and get started with a small manageable first step to get you headed in the right direction. Use self discipline to stay the course until it is habit. Have specific goals but not an attachment to exactly how it will be fulfilled. Keep your eyes and your mind open. Opportunities will come your way constantly, not always ones you expect. Recognize that there are many paths to achieve your goal and sometimes one you may not have anticipated may be the best route. Be grateful for detours, pot holes and roadblocks on your journey all offer depth and growth if you allow it to be so. Adopt and attitude that everything that happens or comes your way is for your greater good and it will be, even when it is difficult or unpleaseant there is always the growth or richness of that experience. More info http://www.lifescapestrategies.com

Your Personal Mission Statement: A Simple Powerful Tool

A personal mission statement is a simple declaration of the values that ground you. It is why you are you. As such it helps support the reasons you do what you do. Tying your goals to your mission provides the motivation you need . Conversely, investing a lot of time or effort into something that goes against or does not support your mission will be dissatisfying if not disastrous.

Good mission statements are short, less than one paragraph. Clear and just feel right in your gut when you hit on it. It fuels you to grow and supports the goals and relationships you truly want.

How to write a mission statement:

1. Jot down your top values or principles: What matters most to you?
2. Consider what mark or impression you want to leave on life
3. What makes you happiest or sets you on fire?
4. When you think about the significant things you have done or want to do define WHY you want it 
5. How do you want to be? 
6. This is more about what you want to be rather than achieve but it will fuel the motivation to achieve things that align with it.

Once you get it and it feels good embrace it fully and live it largely.

Write it out and post it everywhere. Write it decoratively, take a photo and use as your screen saver or frame it. Be open to tweaking it as you change as well. Remember you are a work in progress while many of your core values remain constant in your life you are fluid and dynamic, changing beliefs, priorities and direction as you see fit.

My Example:

To embrace life fully and passionately. To experience and connect deeply with all that I can. To recognize and honor the divine beauty and value in everyone including myself and nurture and celebrate it always.

The Golden Buddha and You

Over three centuries ago in what was then Siam the Buddhist Monks had a beautiful Buddha that stood over ten feet tall made of solid gold weighing over 2 tons. This statue was highly treasured and valuable to the monks in many ways far beyond monetary value. During a time of war it was discovered that the Burmese Army was planning an attack. The monks knew they would steal or destroy the Buddha so they completely covered it with 12 inches of clay mud to protect it.  Unfortunately, all the monks were killed during the invasion but their plan worked so well that the “clay” statue survived untouched for another two centuries.

 In the 1950’s a new monastery was being built and it was decided to move the 10 foot tall clay Buddha to the new location. It was much heavier than anticipated, when the crane came to lift it, it cracked revealing a glimpse of the hidden beauty and treasure that was there all along. The monks carefully chiseled away all the clay and mud to restore the statue to it’s original grandeur. Today it is enjoyed by millions of visitors at the Temple of the Golden Buddha in Bangkok, Thailand.

The story of the Golden Buddha is so like each of us.

I believe we are each beautiful treasures of priceless value and potential. During our lives we also are covered with mud, often in an attempt to protect us but it also diminishes our ability to shine as we truly are intended to. When you watch young children play you observe that it is our natural instinct to let it all hang out and fully enjoy ourselves and our lives. When we are young we are comfortable with our greatness and boldly in share all that we are. But as our identity is formed and our vision of the world develops much of this is tamped down by well meaning adults attempting to teach us to be polite, fit in, be safe from harm, and excel. Even the best intended messages can dim our bright and bold natures: Don’t touch that, don’t do that, be quiet, behave yourself, you better be careful, you are going to get hurt, be a good girl, don’t be selfish, that will never work, stop dreaming, get serious, don’t trust strangers, you are wrong, slow down, that’s stupid, the list is endless. These common well meaning messages each put a layer of mud over our gold. As you grow you may experience physical or emotional abuse, bullying, rejection, heartbreak and disappointment or serious health issues. We all have negative or horrific experiences in our lives, these too add a layer of mud to protect us and hide behind. We then add our own layers of mud as we encounter the pain of rejection and the disappointment of defeat or failure.

It seems to me the condition of the world can be very much like an attack of enemy forces. Like the monks our instincts tell us to hide the good stuff away to protect it. It may seem that this is wise, after all the monks saved their treasure. But we do not have two centuries to wait to be uncovered and enjoyed.

We long to be seen as we truly are. We crave the freedom and fearlessness to chisel away the clay and brightly shine as all of who we are. When we remain hidden it causes disconnect, restlessness, stress and depression. Unlike the Buddah we are alive underneath the mud and struggle to break free. We suffer when we are covered with clay, unable to fully express ourselves, pursue our deepest desires and fully intimately connect with each other.

This is the journey of our lives. To become aware of the valuable treasure within each of us. Then we can begin to chisel away at those layers that hold us back using the sharp edge of courage and the dissolving grace of self acceptance. As we begin to see ourselves as we truly are and resist the temptation to play it safe and small we discover a life that is more meaningful and richly rewarding. We can then step fully into the beauty and treasure that has always been there just under the surface and become all that we already are.

Getting There Can Be Complicated

 One of the main things that attracted me to life coaching was the forward moving focus. We are always focused on " going somewhere," whether in a physical or emotional sense, it is growth and accomplishment of some sort. In the simplest of terms when I work with clients we look at where they are, where they want to be and create a plan to get there. This really appealed to me because I am a very proactive, take charge kind of person by nature. I have always been inclined to make a change rather than just complain and have always encouraged those around me to do the same. What I have found through coaching the last few years though is that "getting there" is usually  more complicated than it seems, this is largely due to the fact that we are more complicated than we seem.
The answer of where it is we want to go is not always clear and the reasons we want to head in that direction in the first place can be easily misunderstood. Furthermore, the way we think we can get to where we want to be is often ineffective. Each piece of the process to get us where we want to be is multifaceted and requires some thorough exploration and careful thought. But most of the time we just head out in some direction that seems to strike our fancy only to find out it leads to nowhere or at least nowhere we really want to be. This results in dissatisfaction and frustration. For some of us after a few misguided road trips we chose to just stay put and not venture outside of our comfort zones again. This is the second thing that attracted me to coaching; I see no reason to stay where you really do not want to be and find it tragic when people do. Life is good. There is so much richness and opportunity, I believe we can get to some pretty fantastic places if we are clear on where we are going, why we are going there and take the time to create a strategy that works.

When we talk about getting somewhere in our lives it is a lot like a road trip or great adventure. Like any trip it has certain components to consider before we set out. I believe there are three major components: Destinations, Vehicles and Maps. Each of these components requires careful thought and planning if we want to end up fulfilled, successful and happy.

Destinations: These are what you may call goals. Where do you want to go? It stands to reason you need to know this piece before you set out and the more clear you are about where you want to end up the better. One thing we often overlook is why we want to go there in the first place. The why is actually the biggest factor. If you do not know why you want what you want you can not possibly know if it will be found at the destination you seek. Certainly we have all earnestly pursued a destination only to find when we get there that we do not feel like we thought we would when we finally made it. This is usually because we think that vehicles are actually destinations. Jobs, money relationships, education and so on are merely vehicles, ways to get to the emotion, expression and connection we truly crave. It is good to remember that ultimately we want to feel something not just do something. So, when you say you want a certain job or to reach an educational goal dig into clarifying what achieving that will actually provide, how will it feel, what will it mean to you? The answer to that is the real destination.

Vehicles: These are the things we use to get us where we want to be. Just like when we travel, there are many methods to use.  Some are faster, slower, more or less reliable and we are in control of the choice of vehicle and how we use  it. Relationships for instance are a vehicle to receive and express love and to feel connected to others a very needed human destination. The types of relationships you have are the vehicles to get you to a place you are able to experience those things. A career ideally is a vehicle for you to express and share your talents and values to feel fulfillment and a sense of contribution also a needed human destination. Vehicles take us where we want to go so we need to chose vehicles that are capable to get us there.

Maps: This is the route we chose to take. Without planning and some forethought we can run into a whole lot of trouble and very often do. This is the part of our trip when we define step by step plans, use critical thinking to navigate which way to go and moment to moment are called upon to chose to stay on the path or take a detour. Our map is our structure and planning, our guide that helps us chose which way to go to achieve what we want. We set goals and make step by step plans that we hope will lead us to where we want to go. Sometimes things come up along our route and we may go off course and decide to make a new map altogether.

I think it is critical to understand the difference in these components. Particularly the difference between destinations and vehicles. Maps can always be adjusted and no matter how many times we get off track we can find our way back to the course or make a new one entirely. This is the third reason I was drawn to life coaching; we always have the ability to be who we really are and live how we want to live. In my own life I have experienced many detours and in truth many years of traveling without a map at all. It took me a long time to figure out a better way to navigate my course and to embrace the excitement of changing directions. I think once we find out what we are really after the way in which we get there matters less. The vehicles we use to take us there are put into perspective and we can become more comfortable with the long and winding road that becomes our lives and enjoy the ride.

Optimism is Power

We often hear about the power of positive thinking but being optimistic actually gives you power.

When you believe in good outcomes you trust in your ability and will have more confidence to work toward your goal.

This is powerful as it gets you going and feeds motivation along the way building momentum toward a goal you believe you can achieve.

Optimism is not only powerful when it comes to traditional goals but also sets the tone for health and happiness in your life to help you overcome life's inevitable hurdles.  In fact, optimists report higher levels of happiness, better health, higher salaries and better relationships.  Positive people are more likable, make better leaders and managers and have lower stress levels. Optimism and flexibility are the two most  sought after characteristics in job candidates as well, companies know that a great attitude trumps aptitude nearly all the time. Optimism is power in your personal and professional life. 

It is not all rose colored glasses either, optimism is realistic and desirable even in our modern complex world.
Keep in mind that while life will always be a mixture of experiences not all of them good but all of them hold something good for us if we are patient and open minded. Optimists chose to believe in the best and cope with the rest. 

Believing in good outcomes may not guarantee the exact outcomes we think we want but it greatly improves our chances  and enables us to see the best in what does come our way. It would seem with all this evidence that we would all be optimistic, but of course we are not. While some of us are born with a naturally sunny attitude and others tend to have a cloud perpetually over our heads, we each have the ability to cultivate more optimism regardless of DNA. Even when life beats us down optimism not only believes the best of the circumstance but helps us to connect to the best in our selves and our ability to do well.

Some ways you can cultivate optimism:

Make a movie create a short video in your minds eye of your ideal life. See how it looks when everything turns out well. How do you look and feel? What are you doing? Who are you surrounded by? How does it feel? Play this video on a regular basis, at least once a day to retrain your brain and create new habits of thinking. It only takes a minute but is a powerful tool that will boost your mood and increase your motivation almost immediately.

Catch and change negative thinking They say up to 90% of behavior is habitual. That is what keeps us stuck but also the best tool to use to get unstuck.

Make a point to be aware of negative thoughts, challenge them, is it true? Is anything else possible? Be honest. Chose more positive thoughts and stay on it.

Create new habits that support you to replace things that don’t. What types of positive, inspirational, supportive things can you add to your life?

Podcasts, books, support groups, good friends, seminars, exercise, meditation, nutrition and so on can help you shift gears and stay on track. Be very aware of who you spend time with; attitude and energy are contagious.

Acceptance never means settling it simply means accepting what is true, not struggling against what’s a fact or has already occurred. It is letting go of the should’s and seeing what is. Once you accept the way things, people or you are your optimism kicks in to make the best of it. Begin to accept reality rather than allowing it to knock you down for the count. We all get knocked down, an optimist just gets up and keeps going believing they will  eventually find a way to win the fight.

Shift your focus to be solution oriented. When challenges occur do not waste energy on being upset or complaining start looking for a solution or the best attitude you can muster while whatever it is passes. Everything passes.You cannot be a victim and a victor the same time.

Celebrate and Give Thanks Take note of when things go well, celebrate all your victories big and small and be grateful for yourself and your life. It may sound simplistic but taking the time to count your blessings will instantly boos your mood and attitude. It is important to pause and see what is good and right in your world to fuel you to create more.

The Trouble With Women's Empowerment

Empowerment is a popular term widely used typically when referring to women.

Women’s Empowerment. Sounds like a good idea on the surface but it seems to me the term is a bit misleading and in a sense perpetuates the problem that it is most attempting to solve. Certainly there are many women in various demographics who feel powerless for a variety of reasons. There are far too many women who are victimized and abused. There are many places that women do not count, countries that literally do not count females as part of their population numbers. Power and basic human rights have been stolen from large numbers of women around the world. Sadly, in our own country this exists as well, women who have very limited choice and voice in their own lives. In cases like these empowerment is an appropriate term, to give power back to women who may not have a level playing ground or are oppressed and treated unjustly. But for most women the key to the claiming the personal power they lack in their lives lies within themselves.

As a life coach who primarily works with women, empowerment is a topic that comes up frequently. There are many women that feel their opinions or desires do not matter very much. They may sit on the sidelines in some aspects of their lives or defer to others to make big decisions. Even women who are in highly respected positions and enjoy a lot of freedom sometimes hold back, bite their tongue or tolerate things that are simply not acceptable. There are also countless well meaning people and organizations designed to empower  or give women what they need  to live happy and successful lives. However, I contend that this group of women do not need to be given power, rather they need to discover the power they already have within them. 

I think that it is vital that women recognize that we are strong, capable and worthy in our own right. That our power comes from within us and is not given nor can it ever truly be taken. 

I prefer the term women’s  re-powerment. To discover, reconnect and harness the power that already exists within each of us. I am not just mincing words here. One of the main issues that women who struggle with a real or perceived lack of

personal power face stems from losing track of who they truly are, what they are really worth and how strong and capable they actually are. Particularly for women who are abused or oppressed not knowing this plays directly into the people or forces that are working against them. When we frame our assistance as if we have to give something to women we support the message that they lack something in the first place.

They do not. 

We are born with power. We have intrinsic immutable worth and value. We are far more capable and powerful than we can at times imagine. 

This is true whether we are male or female, living with freedom and advantage or oppressed and marginalized. However, it is often hard to remember and accept this and many forces will conspire to undermine us, including ourselves.

Nothing that we experience in our lives changes the truth of who we are.  All our experiences only add to who we are and what we know. Everything we survive and accomplish adds to our personal strength and compassion for ourselves and all humanity if we choose to let it.

But many of us have been lied to. Told that certain things make us bad or less in some way. Both men and women come of age with thousands of outside judgements that  skew their vision of themselves and the world and make them feel that they somehow are not quite enough. There are direct and indirect messages that chip away at our sense of self and leave us full of doubts. While we all face some of this it can be overwhelming and very damaging in some cases.

For women this can be especially true. Even in our modern progressive society there remains mixed messages. Girls are taught to put others needs first, not to be aggressive or assertive lest they be labeled a bitch and not be liked. Of course we are also expected to have successful careers and relationships while looking beautiful and being “good” girls. In addition, there remains serious social issues such as pay inequality, sexual harassment etcetera in this male dominated world. These issues are improving, put do play a part in how we perceive ourselves which impacts our sense of personal power and freedom.

It is complicated to be sure with many factors to consider, the bottom line though is that personal power can only be cultivated from within an individual. It is grounded in genuine self confidence which is built upon a foundation of self awareness and self acceptance. It is the understanding that you are capable, that you matter just as much as anyone else; who you are, what you think, what your needs and desires are all matter. Not more than anyone or less else or than anyone else.

We have all that we need within us. If it is within us it cannot be taken away even if it at times is temporarily held hostage or imprisoned. Our personal power is our true essence and birthright. Women do not need me or anyone else to give them what they already have, but at times we all need to be reminded and re-powered.

Voices in the Night

I have been having a few sleepless nights lately largely due to my shoulder injury and waking up with annoying pain, but a couple times I have been kept awake by a deluge of thoughts.
A couple of my close friends have been experiencing the same thing, voices in your head that will not quiet to let you rest.  I think there are times when this noise needs our attention and other times when it just needs to shut up.

Several years ago I experienced this regularly while going through my divorce and dealing with transitions and struggles with my teenagers. It was difficult.
It seemed at night when I finally had a break from the 3 jobs I was working and the necessary tasks of caring for my home and children I often found myself exhausted but with heavy thoughts standing in my way of much needed rest.
I dealt with this by waking up an journalling my thoughts as well as possible solutions and step by step plans to deal with whatever was on my mind. It seemed to work well once I attended to the thoughts they let me rest.

I think that there are times in our lives when our day time hours are so full of distraction that we just cannot get to everything, but our minds do not accept that we are just too busy and will make some noise to get our attention. Or maybe there are pressing issues you chose to ignore in your life, the subconscious mind may not have gotten that memo so it goes to work when you least expect it, some things simply will not be ignored.  It is like tending to a small child that will not stop crying till he is heard and cared for. As annoying as it can be, it can also be purposeful and productive. It may allow us to be proactive when there are things that require our attention, even when we may have wanted to ignore them all together. Sometimes our subconscious knows better and will prod us to take action. Some of my best plans and deepest insights have come in these restless, quiet and sleepless moments.

There are also times when the annoying voices in the night are just that, annoying. We all have a constant companion that narrates and comments on our lives and it is often nothing but useless thoughts or idle chatter that steals our sleep. Regrets over things that are already done, playing out possibilities for things that may not even come our way and agonizing over meaningless minutia of the coming day or week certainly do not fall under the category of pressing issues requiring immediate attention.

Restless nights and noisy voices are frustrating and even more than that, detrimental to our health. We often underestimate the importance of rest to our overall health but research is conclusive that sleep impacts everything from brain function to aging and even weight. There are volumes written about healthy habits for better sleep and of course many medications to use to help make it through the night as well. I think for the occasional sleeplessness we all occasionally suffer that are due to the voices I describe, a simple approach is best.

I suggest that you first discern which type of voices are taunting you. Is it real issues that you need to attend to or more of the white noise or  useless worry variety that fills your brain and steals your sleep?

For the type that are a legitimate concern, rather than toss and turn take out a journal. Let your thoughts fill the page as they come, do not be concerned about format or even if it makes any sense, just write till you are done. If you are inspired, write down some small or detailed plan of what you will do in the day time to address this issue. Often, this exercise may be enough to release what is bothering you and you can get some sleep.  If these types of thoughts tend to trouble you it is a good idea to have a paper and pen by the bedside at the ready. If you find this to be very frequent you may want to be proactive and do some journaling before you tuck yourself in for the night as part of your bedtime routine. I think this practice of writing thoughts down and maybe some solutions or plans as you have them, can be very powerful to bring awareness and organization to your thoughts to help you find peace and rest.

The other idle chatter can be bothersome both day and night and rob us of any real relaxation at all.
The best way to combat this is to gain a better control of your brain and thinking altogether. This is best achieved through meditation and physical exercise. Many people falsely believe that cannot meditate successfully because they do not know how or when they have tried they were unable to turn off their brains so gave up. There are many myths about mediation, but the most undermining is the idea that you need to have no thoughts or some profoundly peaceful experience to benefit. This is just not true.

There are many methods to help you meditate and the benefits are too long to list. Better sleep, less anxiety and depression, lower blood pressure, decreased stress and so on. The key is to find a method or two to use and do it regularly. Think of it as maintaining a healthy brain and just like our bodies that require regular nutrition and exercise, mediation benefits us greatly with regular practice. Overtime the results will be subtle but profound. Physical exercise benefits our bodies certainly but also our minds as we physically work through our thoughts and release stress, sleep may come more easily.

 I am a trained Transcendental meditator, this wonderful practice requires two 40 min sessions per day. I did this for quite some time and really enjoyed the peace it added to my life. But I admit I fell out of practice and do not usually carve out the time for that lately. In fact I have been meaning to jumpstart my practice by visiting my teacher for a refresher soon. For now,  I use 10 - 30 minute guided sessions daily that offer an oasis midpoint in my day and somehow both give me rest and reenergize me.

Take the steps you need to quiet the voices in the night. You will find that not only will your nights be more peaceful and restful but the rest of your life will improve dramatically as well.

Resources for Meditation:

Headspace phone app and online resource provide quick guided meditation that not only instructs you on how to begin your practice but dispels myths and explains benefits all with an awesome accent! Free 10 min for ten days app on the phone is a great way to start. I have been using those ten days for months.  Yes, 10 minutes a day makes a big difference.
https://www.headspace.com

Brain Sync
Recorded meditations you can download on a variety of topics that have brain wave ethnology built in to help you meditate more easily and deeply. They have free down load to try.
http://www.brainsync.com/deep-meditation.html

Transcendental Mediation This method uses a perusal mantra and requires professional instruction. It was made popular decades ago by the Beetles but has mad a resurgence with devotees like Oprah and Dr Oz as well as many people from all walks of life, like me.
http://www.tm.org/?leadsource=CRM662