We all battle self doubt and are our own worst critic. At the same time we realize in both our personal and professional lives being confident is crucial. When we have it we feel we can take on any challenge with open arms. We all admire folks that seemingly walk into a room and are comfortable and magnetic in any situation, we presume they were just born that way. But for most of us cultivating genuine confidence requires some effort.Genuine confidence is powerful and attractive. Not to be mistaken with arrogance that is typically born out of a desire to hide insecurity and wield power, genuine confidence has an ease about it, a certainty, self control and openness. When we are around people like this we become more comfortable too, it feels safe and accepting, it fosters trust. Thus, people that have this attribute make great leaders and lovers they know and accept themselves and that leaves them lots of space to know and accept others as well. They not only seem confident and comfortable they feel it as well.
Since I was not born with this rare and wonderful trait I wondered how I could develop it. I struggled greatly with low self- esteem and social anxiety till I was in my 30’s, it was painful and very limiting. I desperately longed to be more comfortable, to stop biting my tongue and holding back, hiding in the shadows trying not to be noticed. I tried the fake it till you make it as best I could and it even helped to some extent, but at the end of the day I still felt inadequate. It was not until I shifted my thinking about who and how I was and discovered self acceptance that I became genuinely confident. People often remark that I seem so confident and carry myself in a certain way, I do and I am but that does not exempt me from failure, moments of doubt and fear. It just means I know I will be ok despite them and am ready for whatever may come my way.
It is one thing to act confident it is another thing entirely to be confident. The typical advice on confidence is all about how we act; shake hands firmly, stand tall, speak up. However, these behaviors are just the wrapping paper on the underlying package that is the real treasure. If you want to feel confident and be solid and powerful it requires more than just acting. I believe the
basis for genuine confidence is self acceptance.
Five Steps to Gain the Self Acceptance that Provides Genuine Confidence
1. Clarify what genuine confidence is. So many of us use the term confident and arrogant interchangeably. We even judge people as "over confident" in a derogatory way. Examine what these terms mean to you and how they manifest. If you have been taught, as many have not to be conceited or full of yourself, you may find it challenging to stand out and shine lest you be judged a show off. The messages we are given as we grow up play a huge role in our ability to have self -esteem and confidence but with out it we are hard pressed to do our best.
2. Level your playing field Do you hold yourself to a different standard than you do anyone else?
Do you embrace all the aspects and attributes of you as part of the multifaceted complex beauty of being a human? How might it feel if you did? Start to hold yourself in the same regard you do others.
Your internal dialog should sound like you are talking to a precious, well respected friend if it doesn’t why not? Who deserves your care and respect more than yourself? You cannot follow the golden rule to treat others as you treat yourself if you do not treat yourself well. Become aware, make some changes.
3. Understand that to accept does not necessarily mean to settle. Many people have a hard time loving themselves or accepting themselves because they judge certain thoughts or behaviors, even things that happened long ago as bad. We need to let it go. When we recognize that we are all all things and that is part of our divinity and humanity we learn to give ourselves a break. You don’t like certain things about yourself? Who does? Accept that is part of who or how you are but you can also chose to do something about it. Bottom line is you are ok as you are, but you do not need to stay that way. In fact, you are more free to evolve the traits you like when you stop focusing and berating yourself about the ones you do not like.
4. Recognize how capable you are. Catalog and build upon your strengths and achievements. How many things have you already accomplished or survived? We have vastly more strength than we give ourselves credit for but rarely recognize this. I bet it is far easier to think of 10 times you struck out then 10 times you hit it out of the park. Recognize the times you were victorious, mastered a new skill or navigated a difficult or frightening experience. This is your confidence resume. It is the irrefutable evidence that you are capable...you got this. Consider too the times you may have missed the mark or failed miserably, you still lived to fight another day right? Develop an attitude that you are capable to handle anything that comes your way regardless of outcome.
5. Fake it till you make it. Once you have done the foundational work in the first 4 steps it is time to practice. All skills start somewhere and confidence is no different. Stand tall, have a firm hand shake, look people in the eye, speak up. Get out of your comfort zone, step into the arena and start playing.
Once you start behaving differently you will get different results and you can build upon that. As you become more at ease and accepting the habits of acting confident become part of who you are.
Cultivating genuine self confidence that is based in self acceptance is not easy. In my opinion it is the work of our lives, but it is doable. If you would have known me as a unhappy wallflower and could see me now you would understand what I mean. The thing is, genuine confidence is not important just because it will help your career, get you dates or help you win friends and influence people. The real benefit of it lies in how you feel about yourself and ultimately how you feel about the rest of the world and that is well worth the effort.
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