More Than Rose Colored Glasses

So everyone knows I am an optimist. I also happen to know that my optimism is irritating to people sometimes. I understand that of course since people often want to hang out in the negativity for awhile and wallow or complain a bit and that is okay as long as it is just a while I guess.

What many people may not know is that I was not just born this way I have cultivated my optimism over the years intentionally. As a young person coming from a highly dysfunctional, neglectful and violent home I was not bred on seeds of positivity and self- esteem. But what I did walk away with was a strong sense and desire that there was something different, better and more out there as well as a quiet knowing that it was up to me to find it.

These beginnings are what led me to search for answers and cultivate hope and optimism for a better and brighter future filled with good times and good people. I have not been disappointed. Sure, things do not go as planned; I have had excruciatingly painful moments and multitudes of struggles but the belief that more good is coming has not failed me and has kept me moving forward especially when things seemed bleak.

Hope... It is powerful and really is what optimism is all about.

Rather than look to the difficulties,traumas and trails in life as evidence of it's futility and begin to to build a case for pessimism, see these as the reason to maintain and pursue a brighter attitude to prevail knowing that better days lie ahead as long as you choose to create them.

Winston Churchill said "If you are going through Hell, keep going"

Bad times serve us well to grow, point us in new directions and to motivate us to be, do and have more. Certainly, they are never times to hang out and stay stuck in.

Optimism has many benefits a few are:

It spurs us forward with new ideas and fuels our fire to take risks and be bold.

It is proven to increase health including better immunity and less heart disease.

It lessens depression, stress and anxiety.

It certainly is an attractive trait.

High achievers in all professions score well on optimism assessments, it breeds success.

It is more than just rose colored glasses. Optimism is about a hope that things can and will be positive. That you are capable to not only survive but thrive and do well. That no matter the challenge there is an upside and good outcome to follow. It is a choice of perspectives that encourages room to grow, expand and continue to pursue our dreams and ideals. It allows us to be happy and enjoy life more fully.

Choose to cultivate more optimism, the world will be brighter, people will be nicer and you will be more happy and successful as a result.

 

Changes Ahead

Sometimes what we need is a change of scenery, a fresh approach or a new perspective. Other times things in our life changes occur that we did not want or expect.

I have by nature always embraced change rather well. I really like variety and seek out new ideas and experiences. Of course there have been times that I have hesitated and worried, even held back and missed an opportunity that may have benefited me, but overall I believe change is good, intriguing and leads to growth.

I recognize not everyone shares this charecteristic. In fact, change presents many hurdles for people and in some cases ignites serious anxiety and fear.  Many people will go to great lengths to avoid change even if the status quo is very unpleasant.

It seems our approach to change is intricately linked to our general outlook on life; as an optimist or a pessimist.

People that are more optimistic, I am irritatingly so, tend to believe that change will be good, presents opportunity and that they will do well. Pessimists typically believe that change is going to cause a problem, will be difficult and upsetting. Most of us are a mix of both of course so our reactions are often mixed as well.

What we many times do not realize is that our orientation as either pessimistic or optimistic is not set in stone and that we can choose to shift our outlooks to serve us better. That's a whole other topic though.

Occasionally, we all want change it is part of our personality to seek new experiences and discover new things to one extent or another. I think that we are creatures of habit but at the same time seekers of change, this can cause a rub.

But when it gets right down to it we get stuck in ruts, bored and restless and sometimes a bit of change is just what we need to feel invigorated and energized. These changes are more palatable; a vacation, new restaurant, redecorating, taking a class or trying a new hobby. Doing these things on a regular basis keeps us engaged, sharp and happy. It also makes us more equipped and adaptable to the changes we face that are not our choice. Loss of a job, the ending of a relationship or our children moving away are times we seemingly have no choice but in truth we do we have the choice how we will respond.

Being adaptable, optimistic and flexible by embracing small positive changes in life goes a long way to support us to use those skills to best navigate the other changes that invariable come our way but still hold the promise of growth and goodness if we chose to respond well.

By the way stay tuned for some changes ahead, in the next week or so you will see a newly designed site. Please send me some feedback on what you do or do not like.

 

 

 

Janus and Resolutions That Work

So it is that time of year again. Time to reflect on the past years trials and triumphs and look ahead creating the vision of what you want in the New Year. While there are some that are disenchanted and do not partake in this process I think for those that do it is a sign of health, optimism and success. In fact, January is the ideal time for this having been named for Janus the Roman God that has two faces; one looking forward the other back ruling over transitions and new beginnings.

As you think about the resolutions you will make, take a moment first to reflect on the past year. This enables you to clearly see areas that need growth as well as recognize the triumphs and strengths that you can build upon in the New Year. It is easy to forget all that has happened in a year, it may help to look over your planner or journal and recall month by month what defined the good moments, what was accomplished, what you learned, where you struggled or suffered.

It is out of this exercise that you will gain insight into what you want next. Which elements do you want to expand and develop? Which do you need to let go of? How can you utilize the lessons from 2012 and other past experience to support you moving forward? Take the time to acknowledge any large or small gains and feel good about what you where able to do, be and have in 2012.  This practice is the foundation of  confidently and successfully moving ahead to more growth and gains in the future.

Finally, keep in mind not all good things start out positive and most are rarely easy. Do not overlook what you have worked through, suffered or struggled with. Even in moments that may have seemed bleak you have prevailed and used strengths and skills to be proud of. If last year presented pain and tough transition look ahead to 2013 as a year to find the blessings in the burdens and the opportunity for growth and renewal these times always present.

As you define the goals and resolutions for the New Year follow some simple guidelines to ensure your success outlined below. Remember, resolution comes from the word resolute: To be purposeful, determined and unwavering. Decide what it is you most want, set your resolutions and then be resolute in pursuing them.

Keys to resolutions that work:

• Choose goals that are meaningful to you, that you truly want. No should do's or filling others expectations


• Write out your goals, place them where you can see them and review them frequently.


• Set the objective larger goal then define the baby steps and supportive habits you will implement to get there: Plan in detail.


• Understand why you want what you want. What will it do for you? What will it feel like to attain? These are the feelings you are truly after and will provide you with the motivation you need to stay on track.


• Enlist the help of a partner, friend or coach; this provides support, encouragement and accountability.


• Do not fall into the trap of giving up after a setback, that is an excuse to quit for the less committed.


• To be successful one must understand that it is in recommitting, as often as necessary that we ultimately triumph.

I wish you a happy, healthy and prosperous New Year as you create a life you love!

 

Rights Responsibility and Freedom

I have grown weary this past week in the wake of the horror of Sandy Hook of the continued assertions of gun rights. Firstly, you will not find a person more a champion of personal rights and freedom than I. I have always maintained in fact, that it is not guns that kill people but people that kill people. This remains true. However, we cannot deny that we have a tragic trend in our

current culture of mass random shootings, this requires a serious and effective response. We must also remember that the right to life liberty and the pursuit of happiness preceded the right to bear arms and remains tantamount, any right that interferes with that basic fundamental one must be reevaluated.

It is true that criminals will always have guns, they typically acquire them illegally and always will. It is important to note that nearly all of the weapons used in recent years for mass shootings have been legally obtained.

Furthermore, most agree that in the past few decades we have seen a widespread increase in rudeness and bad behavior. A decrease in patience, courtesy and tolerance. A significant lack of respect for parents, authority and meaningful values.

We like to talk a lot about our rights in this country but we seem to forget that with rights come responsibility: Responsibility balances and enables rights. To enjoy our rights and freedoms we must act responsibly and address the underlying issues that lead to a culture that has developed such a disturbing trend. That being said we have some serious questions to answer and major adjustments to make.

• Are we raising our children to be compassionate and kind with strong coping skills, tolerance and respect for others property and life?


• Are we treating people with mental illness properly and providing resources, facilities and support for them and the families caring for them.


• Are we doing all we can in the legal sale of weapons to ensure that only responsible, stable people obtain them and hold those people accountable for the safe and secure use and storage of those weapons?


• After the removal of religious teaching in schools have we replaced that with other ethical and moral instruction?


• Are we mindful of what our young people are exposed to? Most witness both real and dramatic video violence numbering in the thousands before they graduate high school. How long will we continue to deny this has an impact on their developing impressionable minds?


• Are we modeling kindness, tolerance and patience and treating others, even strangers with respect and dignity?

If we are honest we fall far short.

Parent or not we all bear responsibility for the climate of our culture and can all effect positive change starting with our own behavior. For all of us to enjoy the fundamental right of life liberty and the pursuit of happiness we must become responsible when we do we can all fully enjoy all the other rights this country provides.

There is no way to make sense of the murder and carnage at Sandy Hook. It has robbed those families of their most precious thing their children and loved ones. But it also robbed the survivors of innocence and the belief we all need that the the world is a good and safe place.

I pray that out of this we will finally wake up and use this horrendous act as an impetus to make the changes we have needed for years.

The solutions to all violence and crime in our society as well as the other issues of social decay are multifaceted and complex but begin with simple individual steps we can each take.

How can you be part of the solution?

What's all the Hype about Self Esteem?

 It seems there is way too much talk about self esteem. Despite all the discussion and well intended efforts to bolster it, healthy self esteem remains mysterious and elusive for many.

The more I learn about  and work with people the more I believe a healthy self esteem is the foundation of a healthy happy life.

That being said I can recall, especially when I had school-age children, lots of odd ideas about what it was and how to instill it and how to avoid squashing it. Some of this information was good,  but some really missed the mark and did not foster real self esteem and may have actually done the opposite.

So what is self esteem? I like this definition I found on wikipedia:

Self-esteem, is a term in psychology to reflect a person's overall emotional evaluation of his or her own worth. It is a judgement of oneself as well as an attitude toward the self. Self-esteem encompasses beliefs (for example, "I am competent", "I am worthy") and emotions such as triumph, despair, pride and shame.^[1] 'The self-concept is what we thinkabout the self; self-esteem, is the positive or negative evaluations of the self, as inhow we feel about it'.^[2]

Self-esteem is a disposition that a person has which represents their judgements of their own worthiness.^[3] In the mid 1960s, Morris Rosenberg and social-learning theorists defined self-esteem in terms of a stable sense of personal worth or worthiness.^[4] Nathaniel Branden in 1969 defined self-esteem as "...the experience of being competent to cope with the basic challenges of life and being worthy of happiness". According to Branden, self-esteem is the sum of self-confidence (a feeling of personal capacity) and self-respect(a feeling of personal worth). It exists as a consequence of the implicit judgement that every person has of their ability to face life's challenges,to understand and solve problems, and, their right to achieve happiness, and be given respect.^[5]

Self esteem then is your self regard or perception. High, good or healthy self esteem is what we are after.

This is not ego, arrogance or superficial. It is not based on deeds or accomplishments. It is not fragile, dependent on others or defensive.

It is a quiet confidence, acceptance and a comfortable feeling that is lasting.

I believe that is what we need as our foundation to be our best. This acceptance and appreciation of who we are , a clear understanding of ours as well as others intrinsic worth and value and a belief in our capability to manage our lives.

How does it feel to have that?

If you do not, how much of a difference might you experience in your life if you did?

For me it has been impactful although late coming.

An unstable tumultuous childhood did little to develop a sense of self esteem in my childhood, in fact quite the contrary.

I was in my late thirties with many self help books, classes, religious studies and philosophies under my belt before I came to realize my own self acceptance, worth and esteem.

A workshop by Debbie Ford provide the impetus to bring everything together for me. A moment of transformation where I saw things and saw myself differently... permanently and completely.

It is a life changer; not that one still does not have moments of doubt and absolute idiocy(many),  just that those moments do no damage and the sense that all is well remains intact. It is a knowing that you are more than what you do or how you appear. It changes how you look at yourself of course but also it is the truest route to acceptance of others and that is such a pleasure as well.

If you are the fortunate minority that have healthy self esteem enjoy it. It will support and propel you in all your pursuits.

However, if this has been a struggle for you, know that you may count yourself with the majority but need not remain that way.

With an open mind and some effort this can be improved and when it is everything in life improves with it.

What do you think are the top 3 things that make you valuable?

What if those things were gone?

Are you dependent on the good opinion or praise of others for a sense of pride or accomplishment?

Do you become angry or hurt when someone criticizes you?

What might it be worth to discover your worth and find real acceptance and healthy self esteem?

You are worth the effort... believe me.

Do More Than Vote

Happy Election Day!

It is good to remember today the privilege and fortune we have to live in a country where we have the right to vote. Sometimes we forget that this is not a right that everyone in the world enjoys. As a woman I am particularly aware that in many places not only do women not have the right to vote but are often not even included in the census, they do not even count as part of the population.

Our right to vote as Americans was hard fought; a crucial part of our freedom and what defines our country. If you are African American or a woman that fight was even longer and far more difficult. It is a travesty that the numbers of voters are so low.

It is easy of course and understandable to be disenchanted with the political system; gridlock and corruption are rampant and perpetuated by a media that believes negativity and sensationalism feeds ratings... sadly, in truth it does.

It is challenging to remain optimistic in the face of all this but it is possible. There are good leaders, there are smart people that care about the country and have good ideas, we  just must look harder. Sometimes it is a choice of the lesser of two evils as we try to select people closer to our own values and ideals.

In the bigger picture we desperately need to make some significant changes to the way our leadership represents us and works together for the common goal of the good of our nation. We cannot expect that change will ever occur however if we do not have our voices heard and take action. In a government founded for and by the people it is not just our leaders that are failing us. We the people need to be willing to get involved; to be part of the solution, to resist the trend of pointing fingers of blame at Washington and Wall Street and instead take an honest look at the influence we as individuals have.

In reality the changes we so desperately need in this country start with each of us. Regardless of who wins this or any election there will be no real significant lasting change, no return to greatness and prosperity without the American people making significant changes in their own lives, families and communities.  It is time we step up to the  plate and have the integrity and character in our own lives that we say we want from our leaders.

As individuals what are we personally doing to improve the current challenges our country is facing? Do we really believe that the solutions to all our problems would or could be found in a few hundred officials much less one president as we go about our daily business and continue to complain about the problems and the mess "they" are making?

How are you a leader in your own life ? What are you doing to contribute to your family, community and country? Politically we need more good people to be involved run for office and vote.  But, while we have had some great political leaders throughout history it has never been politicians that make our country great. It has been the people.

We must return to personal responsibility and excellence. Are we being creative and innovative in our lives and our our work? Are we raising our children to be respectful, well educated, ambitious and optimistic? Are we solution focused and moving forward setting an example for our young people to be proud of? Are we looking for the new roads to prosperity and peace that are required in a rapidly changing world or are we waiting stubbornly for the glory days to magically reappear?

It is often said if you aren't part of the solution you are part of the problem...I think this holds very true.

While you may not often hear about it there truly are wonderful passionate intelligent people working tirelessly for the good of their families communities and countries...yes, even a few politicians. But there are not enough.

On this election day let us be thankful for our feedom and optimistic about our country yet realistic in acknowledging that we must do even more than vote we must each make a difference.

"Ask not what your country can do for you but what you can do for your country" JFK

 

 

The 5k Challenge

Much to my own surprise I ran a 5k this morning, the Chicago Hot Chocolate 5k. This may not seem like very interesting news but it is for me for several reasons. Firstly, I am not a runner, in fact even as a child I hated to run and avoided it at all costs. While I am a regular at the gym I do very little traditional cardio and instead focus on weight and circuit training.

Secondly, this 5k was planned for my two daughters to do together, a sister activity ,however one is out of town so I was subbed in.

And thirdly, I was told up to literally minutes before the race that I was in a 5k walk not a run...Surprise!

Well as usual I love a surprise...once I get used to it.

As we arrived at 7 am on a beautiful but cold Sunday morning I was astounded by the crowd. There were thousands of participants, hundreds of volunteers all vastly diverse; every race, size and age was represented. I was glad to be there... spirits and energy were high. There was some confusion and soon I found myself approaching the starting line in this mass of people trying to be prepared and a good sport but warning my daughter repeatedly   "I am not a runner...I can't run ...I may pass out or die ." I was not kidding by the way, I was more than a bit nervous not knowing what to expect.

The first quarter to half mile was the hardest as I awkwardly jogged along my nose running I quickly became breathless and immediately wondered how I would do this. My daughter encouraged me playfully saying " You are in better shape then me c'mon mom!" I assured her that was just not so; I do not work out like this, it was not my thing and told her to leave me behind. But somehow at the same time I was committed to continue knowing I did not want to disappoint her or myself. I ran rather slowly and walked a bit that first portion. She cheered and teased me on, I was also encouraged  by bystanders as well as other runners seemingly not in the best physical shape yet pushing themselves... I did not want to be a wimp.

Eventually, to my surprise it got better rather than worse as I went along. By the first mile marker I successfully convinced my daughter to run ahead not wanting to hold her back, as she ran off so effortlessly I slowly began to find my stride and my breathing regulated a bit. It became tolerable. I thought of my friends that are passionate runners telling me once you push past the discomfort you find a stride and get in the zone and how they love it. Apparently a 5k is not long enough to find the zone for me or to push past discomfort... that did not happen. Overall, I was very uncomfortable I started out cold and very soon was overly hot, my right leg hurt and burned early in the race and still does, my lips and mouth were extremely dry and I was short of breath.

I continued on determined to do this. I kept marking goals for myself to push for till I walked a bit but I ran far more than I walked.  Although I surely did not look like one, I somehow felt athletic and enjoyed being part of this large group with the common goal...to finish.

The home stretch was the best for me; as soon as I saw the  finish line in the distance I knew I could do it and run the rest of the way easily, it seemed shorter now than I thought it would be and not so bad after all. I absently thought I should have pushed myself even harder along the way and ran faster.

Afterward I found my daughter and was pleased with myself that I had finished not too far behind her. I was grateful my other daughter had not been able to make it, happy  I had done something I normally would never dream to do. We headed over to enjoy the promised chocolate and soak up the sunshine in Grant Park for a few minutes before heading home.

I had some insights and found a few interesting analogies in the 5K Challenge. I thought of the times I or one of my clients find themselves facing a challenge that was unexpected and react by feeling completely unprepared, unable and fearful. It seems oftentimes we immediately look to the reasons we cannot do something as I did, and  just start listing them. Also, how any challenge we start is hard and can be very uncomfortable at first. In fact, most valuable things are hard and uncomfortable as we stretch outside our comfort zone to discover that we can do something we thought we could not. As we commit and go along things ease and we find a stride or routine that works. The value of making small goals along the way to focus on rather than being overwhelmed by the larger goal that is as of yet out of sight as a way to keep moving forward and stay motivated. Even the fact that some things are worth doing in spite of being unpleasant. Just for the power of the experience, to see that you can and say that you did. There is value in that as each time we do something new and different successfully it forms a solid foundation for our next challenge and strongly fuels optimism and self esteem. And the finish line! The excitement when what we are after comes into view knowing that we have made it ...and ya know that wasn't so bad after all. What a great feeling! I hope to savor that and take it with me next time to the starting line, although my next starting line will not likely be a race, it is a lesson I plan to carry. I also have a  bit better understanding now, having never been an athlete, of why people push themselves physically, a small taste of how wonderful it is to make it across the finish line and how sport truly mirrors life.

These things I would have never known without this opportunity today and choosing to take it ...so the sore legs are well worth it.

 

"Everything is hard before it is easy" Goethe