What Are You Worth?

It seems that both in my own life and from my observation and experience of others that when problems arise or something is holding us back from our best it can always be boiled down to the same factors: Our self worth and beliefs.  Self worth is the basic value you put on yourself and your life. From this stems fundamental beliefs about what you are capable and deserving of.

Beliefs are strongly held and mostly subconscious about ourselves and the world. These beliefs filter and color everything we see and do often without our awareness. Our worth of course is based on our beliefs so these concepts go hand in hand.

When we reach a plateau; not quite reaching our ultimate goal or find ourselves stuck in patterns of thinking and behavior that do not serve us well and we want or need to make some significant lasting changes it is these factors that we want to examine, challenge and shift.

These two factors are so complex, influential and impactful they do not lend themselves to short blog articles so I will just start with some basic ideas today on self worth and value and go deeper into beliefs next time.

Underlying everything is how you view and accept self, that colors how you view and accept the world and that determines to very large extent your level of happiness and success.

So that is the root; lets start there.

How do you value yourself? What do you believe to be true about yourself?  Where did those ideas come from and how are they serving you?  What are you worth and how do you judge yourself and others in this regard ? How we judge others, whether loving and accepting or rejecting and harsh may tell us much about how we feel  about and judge ourselves.

 To value yourself:  to feel connected and equal to all those around you, accept your bright qualities as well as the stuff you are not thrilled about as all being valuable unique parts of the total complex and beautiful package of you. This is the ideal and for most of us requires work and may ultimately be the lifetime goal we all strive for.

These concepts may serve you well; if you perceive yourself to be intelligent, capable, strong, lovable and fun your actions and results will reflect that and you will also likely have good relationships with others as well.

Some of us have quite the opposite unfortunately and struggle greatly in our lives with negative self talk, feeling inferior, stupid, unlikeable and so on.

For most of us it is a combination: feeling strong or pretty good in some areas and shaky in others, in certain situations we are confident and capable others make us feel weak or inadequate. Honestly, we all have some times that push our buttons and the vulnerabilities come out.

To be your best and reach your potentials it is necessary to explore these areas and identify your strengths as well as shift the negative concepts to be more positive and supportive. This is really about getting to the underlying issues that drive us . We know that thought drives behavior so we want to tackle those fundamental thoughts. When we just try to change behavior without shifting the thought and belief that drives it it is much more difficult if not impossible to affect lasting change.

A couple years ago I went through a process of challenging my own self concepts and beliefs and redfined and reframed things for myself so that I had more self acceptance and freedom. This has been pivitol for me. In fact,  it was transformational. As soon as I got it, I had it and had it for good, transforming my belief and perception permanently. Naturally there are more beliefs to challenge but now I am solid and ready!  Some of the insights I gathered may be worth your consideration as you search for your own.

Understanding what makes one valuable;  knowing it is intrinsic to all from birth the value and potentials of each unique being. If you believe that as I do and always have very strongly you must also apply that belief to yourself. Funny, I believed that for my whole life just not applying it to me for a long time. The verse that we are all created in Gods image always has been very meaningful to me. I accepted it since childhood for all others but forgot to fully apply it to me.

Knowing what traits/things are truly valuable: It  is not facts or knowledge, looks or anything on the surface, it is not things one easily gains or loses in life, it is what one has come to life with; the unique essence of who you are your unique traits, passions, talents, quirks, strengths, potentials and vulnerabilities. This is one area our culture misses the boat on especially in recent history . All types of people  misled into thinking what one does, has or looks like is what sets them apart and makes them special. I believe this one fundamental misunderstanding of worth and value causes countless misery. Leading us to value empty ideals, pursue meaningless things, feel divided and deeply dissatisfied.

Really knowing and appreciating who you are begins when you start to look at yourself differently, to stop judging yourself,  to treat yourself  as fairly as you would anyone else. To accept and celebrate who you are, all of you. We all come into this world with one unique gift in common; ourselves. We ought to accept it and appreciate it right? This is the key.

 Explore what you believe about you, self worth, value and beliefs, I would love to hear your insights.

" In the faces of men and women I see God"  Walt Whitman

Happy Mothers Day!

I love this day !  My three kids have always done such a beautiful job of making me feel loved, appreciated and special. I have raised a son and 2 daughters all adults now that have turned out to be people that I not only love but really like, respect and admire. They are my favorite people! It is wonderful as a mom to reach that point were you know they are all good, I am very proud.

I often describe the experience of parenting to the famous Dickens opening line from a Tale Of Two Cities," It was the best of times it was the worst of times",  kinda sums it right up? Certainly the most challenging, complex and frustrating yet joyous, rewarding and fulfilling experience in my life. I had my kids young; I have always been a Mom, we grew up together.

In retrospect one can evaluate what they did wrong, imagine what they would do differently or better; I have a long list of that of course. But I also know I did the best I knew how at any given time and all has contributed to them being who they are. In the long run I can only hope they take the good stuff I gave them and will adopt it as their own and will learn to avoid the things I did that did not work so well, finding their own better way.

Mothers Day can be a difficult day for some as well. I know many that miss mothers they have lost. Ones that were loving and powerful forces in their lives taken away all too soon.

Others have pain or resentment for Mothers that were never the loving guides and nurturing supporters they needed. Stuck on this day searching through cards that are overly sentimental trying to find something simple or not acknowledging their mothers at all.

A Mother is arguably the most significant influence in our lives. The impact is powerful whether it is negative or positive. Even not having a mom for some reason growing up leaves a lasting impact. Whatever impact your mother has had in your life it is good to have a day to reflect and be grateful for the good things she passed onto you as well as the examples of things you do not want to be. It is all useful, it is all growth, it all makes us the beautiful complex people we are to be.

So today I look forward to being well fed and attended to, appreciated for whatever good impact I may have had.  Moreover, today I am reminded of the impact these three children have had on me. They have been the most wonderful, significant experience of my life. They have stretched me and made me grow, brought tears to my eyes countless times more often than not because I was laughing so hard. They are ambitious, curious, intelligent, funny, passionate and kind

Thank you Jason, Jessica and Rachel I love you!

 

 

 

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Reveal the Real You ...Please

Not everyone likes introspection and self discovery. Even so, most of us know there are aspects of ourselves we keep under wraps sometimes even from ourselves.

For some not knowing may seem safe; "what if I do not like what I discover?" they silently ask.

My answer to that is a confident no way!

 When you peel away the onion skin layers that may veil your true self from others as well as yourself you will find what you have sought all of your life: You.

You suit you. You were made for you. And you may just find others will fall in love with this more you version of you all over again.

All the trying to be different, rejection of certain aspects, the busyness and noise that has hidden you away has served only to dull who you are. That is the version we do not like of ourselves. It is false, it is partial, it is fragile. It annoys us and continues to fall short in our own eyes because deep down we are dying to get out. To be free and fully ourselves.

Many of us are somehow so afraid of rejection from others that we ultimately reject large parts of ourselves; give up our best ideas, dreams and passions rather than be shot down or  fail.

Certainly, we are all at times cruely critised or judged by others.

The truth is those people that may not really like you may not really like themselves all that much either. So why listen to them?

I think part of it is a result of the good intentions of parents and others as we are raised; You are a good girl for this, bad boy for that. And the not so well intentioned input of insecure and immature siblings and peers teasing or even bullying. And it does not stop there;  media messages, lovers, coworkers everyone is happy to critise.

It seems to grow up we must learn to deny or hide parts of ourselves to attempt to have others love and accept us then as adults we must learn to recover and reveal those parts to ever attempt to fully love and accept ourselves.

It is only then; beautifully and fully you, that you will truly attain the love and acceptance you have always sought. This is the  foundation of lasting happiness.

Reveal you ...please! You and I and everyone else will thank you for it. It is the unique and complete version of you that is needed here. Trust that.

" To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment."

Ralph Waldo Emerson

 

" At best you can only ever be a second rate version of someone else, you will always be the best YOU"

 unknown

 

 

7 Top Tips for More Passion and Happiness Now

Surveys indicate that 80% of Americans do not feel passionate about their lives. That is a huge number!

Thoreau wrote in the mid 1800's " Most men lead lives of quiet desperation and go to the grave with the song still in them". Sad but true even after all these years.

It is easy to get stuck in a rut, to lose sight of our dreams and the things we love most. In fact, it is all too common. We are busy, we have many obligations, we are all grown up and serious now. But, being in that 80% gets boring, unfulfilling and very ho hum. It leaves us feeling stressed and anxious as well because we are not being true to ourselves and following our heart and soul.

I don't know about you but I wanna be in the 20%!

The fortunate 20% of Americans that do feel passionate about their lives and are living vibrant, full and fun lives.

Top 7 Tips to be More Happy and Passionate

1. Know yourself  Always the first and most crucial step. Get in touch with what you want, what is important to you and what you enjoy. Spend time unplugged from daily distraction to reflect and listen. What do you do best? What do you never tire of? When do you feel in the zone? What do others admire most in you? Use questions and also reflect on the best times of your life to shape a picture of what you are passionate about. Recall the things you most loved in your youth; what makes you think you won't still love that now or maybe something similar.


2. Have the courage to follow your heart We all deal with fear at some point. Certainly, it can be scary to fully put yourself out there to follow your passions; to really live as you want and pursue what is most important to you." What if I do and fail?" we think. "What if I do and succeed?" needs to be the answer because that is the truth. Very often it is fear of what others will think that holds us back. We do not want to look stupid or foolish or fall down in front of our peers. Fear is normal. Cultivate courage to act in spite of any fear.


3. Lose the excuses Many excuses will fall away once you manage fear. But the biggie " I do not have the time" can be a stubborn one. Access for yourself if that is really true. Take stock of your days and weeks; where are are you spending empty moments or hours for that matter? What are you currently doing that you could stop or delegate? Find time for what matters most: You. Rid yourself of reasons not to have a great life. 


4. Take the gloves off  Stop holding back. At times we  protect ourselves too much, not wanting to get hurt and  preventing the good stuff of life in the process. To be passionate we must get a little dirty, be more sensual and feel life fully; the great stuff and the not so great. Go ahead; feel, experience, express, live.


5. Be happier? Do more happy things  It is a simple premise;  if you want to have a happier life do more of what makes you happy. Simple is so often overlooked. When life gets hectic and our schedule get's tight what is the first thing to go? The good stuff, the fun stuff, the truly important stuff that makes our lives enjoyable and recharges us to be our best. Just when we need it the most. Do more of what makes you feel good you need it and deserve it.


6. Shift your focus Become aware of what you think about and talk about on regular basis. It  seems it is human nature to complain, dwell on the problems and see the clouds on the most beautiful of days. This type of behavior trains our brains to look for more of the same; more negative. Choose to focus instead on the good stuff; what you want to create rather on what you will never have. Avoid pessimists and complainers and surround yourself with positive energy like-minded people.


7. Make YOU a priority Start living like the movie star you truly are. Do not settle for a supporting role in your own life movie. Write your own happy ending and enjoy all the excitment and challenges in between. This is your life. Popular belief says you just get one. Isn't it time you lived it the way you want to? Pursue what is most important to you, find time to enjoy everyday. Really believe in something, take a stand. Laugh out loud, cry if you want....feel and experience deeply and completely.

 

 

It Is Not In The Why But In The How

It seems that when something happens,  particularly something we perceive as difficult or bad, much energy is spent on the why: why did this happen? Why do I deserve this? What are the reasons and motivations exactly that lead to this? Why did I do that?

One of the first things we do is attempt to  make sense of a thing or situation by struggling to understand why it has occurred. This is a natural and reasonable response. The insight can be very useful in fact. We can learn and grow with this knowledge. However, certain situations have no easy answers or discernible reasons. Frequently we can get  stuck in this mode of asking why to our own detriment. The why presses upon us sometimes bringing guilt or blame and almost always a sense of injustice, inequality or persecution. If we decide something is unfair and undeserved it does not make it go away but can make us not handle it effectively since "we should not have to".

Do you know people that are still ruminating the why's of their childhood or past relationships? Why they were passed over for a promotion? Why they fell so ill? It can become endless. In my experience spending more than a few moments on the why is just not very useful.

I have found myself in this loop of thinking before and quickly catch myself because I can feel this thinking oppressing and depressing me. Personally, I have always been far better off focusing on how to solve something or move forward in spite of it and so my why naturally turns quickly into how to overcome or adjust and that works pretty well for me.

I believe the more important answers to what happens in our lives come from asking how not why. How will I solve this. handle it, live with it ? How will I respond as my best self? How can I grow and learn from this experience? How can I serve or guide others as a result of this?

Ultimately, how does this make me more of who I am and who I am to be?

That is the underlying question in both the most wonderful and most difficult of times: How can this make me more of who I am to be?

When you can embrace that way of thinking whatever circumstance is an opportunity and can even be welcomed if not for the thing itself but for what you will gain that you would not have otherwise.

I admit, it is not easy to think this way. I have to frequently remind myself and redirect my thinking.

Sometimes I do not want to go through it, even if I will grow and evolve. But, there is usually not a choice in the thing,  just in our response to it so that is where our focus must be.

This really struck me as I  have been reading Viktor Frankl Mans Search For Meaning the past week. This recounts his experience and observations as a concentration camp prisoner during the Holocaust.  As a psychiatrist and a survivor of the horror of many years in camp with tremendous loss of freedom, identity, beloved wife and family he contends that the main motivational force of mans life is his search for meaning. He identifies the last human freedom as the ability we have to choose our attitude and response regardless of external circumstance and it is in this response that we are defined and whole. He states that there is unique opportunity in how we bear our burdens. Further, that it is not what we expect from life but rather what life expects from us that matters.

It is a beautiful book and I highly recommend it.

It made my how bigger. Not just how do I solve, overcome and share my lessons but how does this make me more? How can I be the best me in bearing it?  Wow! This leaves a huge amount of room for improvement. I feel more calm and comfortable facing the difficulties with these questions, feeling almost lucky for the chance to step up to the plate with faith that there is unique opportunity in all.

Obviously, people under those drastic horrific circumstances of the Nazi Camps that were somehow able to find meaning and press on make my troubles and challenges rather insignificant. But also serve as a model that no matter what the challenge or circumstance there is meaning and growth to be found if we can focus on the how.

• How will this experience stretch me? Add to my character and build my strengths?


• How will this experience shift my perspectives and expand my thinking?


• How can this provide an opportunity to fully utilize the creativity, strength and wisdom I do not always get to use?


• How can I model for my children or peers positive behavior and attitudes?


• How will this make me more of who I am and who I am to be?

 

 

Is The Credit and Blame Game Holding You Back?

Who get's the credit and or blame in your life?

It seems when things go wrong as they invariably do, many of us, at least privately are quick to blame and even belittle ourselves for our fault. Many people publicly, loudly pronounce themselves stupid or inept in some way. Often times, we punish ourselves dramatically and frequently  for  mistakes or short comings that happened years before. We are eager and willing to assemble a long list of exactly how and where we missed the mark.

By and large we have little trouble accepting the blame when things go wrong, and we do not quickly forget.

Conversely, many people have a very hard time accepting the credit when things go well, even when they have a momentous success. We diminish our part, write it off to blind luck or thank God or the universe for causing something to happen. Frequently, no matter the victory we will find pieces within it to criticize or point out our failure to have done more or better. At the least, many of us will humbly accept some credit and  then forget all about it choosing to focus instead on the next challenge without really recognizing or celebrating the success.

There are numerous answers for this I am sure. Upbringing, culture, hard wiring, habits of thought and behavior. But whatever the reasons this type of behavior and thinking does us harm and limits us from being our best.

Our reference point of credit and blame is a large part of how we explain our world and importantly our possibilities in it.

Do we believe we have the power to achieve great things by our own volition or is it dependent on luck or divinity? Are we able to recognize and thus build upon our triumphs and draw upon our strengths? Do we criticize our real or imagined failings and so keep ourselves from attempting or even believing in our best? Are we ready to go over the long list of times things did not work, of mistakes we have made as evidence not to trust ourselves and prove our certain failure before even trying?

For us to be fully our best selves and be successful we must manage these types of thinking habits.

1. Take stock of your achievements and things you have overcome, write them down as well as the specific talents skills or problem solving you were able to use successfully.


2. Pay attention  to your habits of credit and blame: Are they fair? Shift your perspectives to include you as the central role in your life that you play. Be conscious of  being overly focused on the negative and diminishing your own achievements and abilities. Notice if you allow past failings to predict future ones.


3. When embarking upon an new challenge prepare yourself by drawing upon past evidence of your capability and victories as proof you are ready to succeed once more.


4. Acknowledge if you wish divine blessing but realize you made the choice to use those gifts well and be proud of your part.


5.  Choose to recognize that all that has happened thus far in your life is an important part of your success story.

The truth is the things that did not work or even failed miserably  often teach the best lessons.Pointing out areas of growth or to signal the need for a new direction.

The victories you experience both large and small highlight your strengths to build upon, define your talents and passions and provide evidence of you amazing abilities.  These successes stock the shelves and build the skills and confidence you need to face more challenges and try new things.

Developing  a healthy balanced approach to the credit and blame game will empower you to do your best. Be responsible for all you make happen in your life and know it is ultimately for your growth and good and leads to your success.

Eliminate Stress from the Core

What stresses you out? What keeps you up at night, gnaws at you, makes your head throb and your muscles tight?

We all have stress and anxiety at times, unfortunately for some of us it is a lot of the time.

Much has been written, including a bit by me, regarding managing and reducing stress, ideas that are proven, solid and helpful as well. Keep in mind some stress and anxiety is useful and should be used as a natural warning sign something is amiss and should be paid attention to. Now a days though everywhere you turn people lament that they are "stressed out" and need relief.

But what if there were a way to eliminate stress from the core? Make an underlying powerful shift in perspectives that would head off any uncomfortable reactions in the first place...would you be interested?

The truth is events, circumstance and situations are not stressful in themselves. They do not have  meaning other than that which we assign them. This is the key reason; our individual interpretation that explains the disparity of how people react to and handle "stress". So the trick is to get to the core. The core thought and emotion that fuels your reaction that does not serve you. Accept the fact that it is not the thing but how you think about it and now you have the power to change how you think about it, manage and react.

With some effort you can change the way you look at things, greatly reducing what you even consider to be stressful.

You can better recognize what is under your control and let go of what is not.

You can understand the real importance and significance of things and not sweat the small stuff.

You can store up your resources and recharge yourself regularly. Be confident in you ability to handle any and all challenges that come your way. You will then be well prepared when called upon.

You can chose when things are difficult to focus on the strengths, blessings and lessons as well as the opportunity to dig in, access your best self and grow as we invariable do in challenging times. Something good always comes, expect it.

Shifting how you think about and approach the "stress" in your life has the power to transform it and you and with enough practice eliminate stress from the core.

So, what stresses you out and how can you shift the way you think about it?