What If The Only Person That Can Change The World Is You?

photo Juan Flores

I saw a man today with a t-shirt on that said Jesus is the solution. It gave me pause to think about that and with all due respect heartily disagree. 
I do not discount the power of prayer or discredit anyones faith however, humans have been generously
equipped to handle and solve most of our problems. Unfortunately, most of the time we chose not to. This of course applies to our personal lives and problems but also to the big issues that face our world today.

When I think about the complex problems we face in our community, country and world in general most of them are rooted in human behavior. From a young age social ills and injustice have weighed heavy on me but the last few years I have become more and more disturbed by trends of random shootings and other violence, the lack of courtesy and respect and rampant racism of all types. We have younger more violent criminals, increasing segregation and hate and maybe most disturbing an overwhelming lack of response to these horrific problems. I hear people comment on the latest shootings with less outrage and horror remarking that it is just the way it is now. But it is not just the big tragic events but the everyday lack of well …decency.

Complacency is the greatest accomplice to any injustice. I am unsure where I got this idea but from a young age I felt to witness something wrong and do nothing made me a part of the problem.
Watching the news we can quickly become jaded and cynical with report after report of abuse, crime, violence and corruption. It seems bad news and celebrity nonsense is all we see but of course we know better, there are countless tales of kindness and goodness, people doing tireless work to help or care for others just usually quietly and behind the scenes. Nonetheless, it is difficult to know what to do and easy to be fooled into thinking that you cannot make a difference.

But what if you are the person that can change the world to be a better place?

I have news for you my friend, you are that person ...we all are in fact. The truth is most of our problems can only be solved by each individual making an effort to chose differently for themselves and their families. The huge social ills we face start with small roots that form in our minds, homes, schools and community.

The shift to change the world is not to be found in a herculean effort no one has the time or energy to create but in countless small shifts within each of us to be open minded, kind and compassionate.
How can you become more tolerant and respective?
How can you treat others with more compassion?
How can you reject a culture and media inundated with violence?
How can you model and lead compassionate responsible behavior to the children in your care?
How can you seek out roots of these problems in your own home and community and start there to make a difference now?

If each of us acted in a different way the world would be a different place. It is as simple and difficult as to be more patient and polite, act with kindness and concern, feed your mind with more good than bad, lend a hand. All this creates an energy that is contagious.

The truth is the longer we look outside ourselves for a solution the longer and larger our problems will be. We have each been equipped with the ability to do good or bad to be open or rejecting, we have free will. Humans have incredible minds to create destruction or beauty and limitless depths of compassion if we chose to open our hearts and see ourselves or our God in each other.
So while I think that prayer and faith can be powerful I believe it can lull us into looking elsewhere for a intervention that has already been sent. In christianity and most religion the mandates have been sent. You are equipped to change the world. How you live is crucial to the solution. Now what are you going to do about it?

Training for the 1K

I like to do a lot of athletic things but I am not and never have been an athlete.
 There are several reasons for this: I was not raised in a physical or sports environment, my family neither participated or watched sports. I was rather awkward and very self conscious growing up. In gym class I was not picked till last for a team with good reason which fed my insecurity.  I am not naturally coordinated and have to practice to learn physical activities. I am not competitive. Since I was not inherently good at these things or encouraged to cultivate this part of myself I became satisfied to stay on the sidelines. However, I understand the importance of physical activity as well as the value and satisfaction of organized sports. As I have gotten older and raised children that are athletic I always made the importance of physical activity part of a healthy family lifestyle, I have increasingly participated and enjoyed more athletic things as a result. However, I am still not an athlete.

This Spring I reluctantly agreed to run with my youngest daughter as she prepared for a 5 k. Despite the fact that I have been a regular gym goer for the past 20 years and look rather fit, I discovered I am in terrible shape.

Running has always been painful, even as a child I hated it and used my mild asthma as an excuse to avoid it in school as best I could. In retrospect the reason I could not run was simply that I was an out of shape kid that did not move enough. But what was this about now? I do 30 -45 minutes of cardio several times a week, hike, bike and enjoy various physical activities. I was frustrated by my inability and frankly a bit annoyed. I could not run more than a couple blocks.  I somehow forgot how to breath effectively, my legs, feet and back hurt. I kept thinking:" I hate running”, it became a mantra. But soon I decided the only thing I hated more than running was my inability to run. It seemed to me that any able bodied human ought to be able to run a mile with out feeling like they are going to die. It was just a basic skill I should have so I set out to acquire it.

I am not one to push myself physically so I just got into the habit of run/walking in my neighborhood on occasion, 1 or 2 times a week if weather and time allowed. After a few unpleasant times with no improvement I told my daughter I was giving up,  after all,  it did not matter if I could run a mile or not. She quickly corrected me and pointed out that it certainly did matter that I do what I set out to do and not give in just because it was hard. Don’t you hate it when they use your logic right back at you? And so began my training for a 1k. It has been fun to tell others of my 1k training as well, people are easily underwhelmed.

It is Labor Day and I have still not met my goal to comfortably run a mile but I have gained many insights. I have realized that I give up too quickly when I become uncomfortable. That I do not like to do things I am not good at. That I will stop short even when the end is in sight when I do not like how I feel.  That I am willing to scale back my expectations of myself and be okay with good enough.  These realizations came to me while running as did the connection to other areas of my life these concepts applied to. How did I stop short on other goals when it seemed hard or uncomfortable? What other things did I avoid doing because I was not as good at them? When did I make excuses? Where was I settling? I realized to learn to run I had to be okay with being uncomfortable, I had to learn to push myself and this was just not a strong suit for me which meant I really needed to do it both in running and in other areas of my life.

I have added running a mile comfortably to my to do list before I turn 50 next February. I am working on it slowly and have seen small improvements. I am able to run just a bit farther, breathe a bit more easily and recover a bit more rapidly. I appreciate now why people enjoy running, not only for the  physical release and exercise but also for the freedom and victory it offers. I have had moments where the pain of the concrete fades while I rise briefly but blissfully to a second of flight. I imagine the thrill it might be one day when the concrete disappears and the flying remains.

I am not an athlete. I do not plan to take flight at least not as a runner. But I am glad I have taken on what is such a seemingly small, simple goal and thankful for the insights it provides. Sometimes we think that what we need to achieve must be big and lofty to hold much reward or satisfaction but I think often times big lessons and insights are available to us in the things others take for granted. The brief moments of running with my head held high contain a promise of what can be reached if I push past the discomfort and just deal with the pain. Maybe the pain is necessary after all, just a part of the process to learn to do what I have been able to do all along if I am just willing to to stick with it. I know that I will run a mile soon and if I grow to like it I may even run beyond that goal, but more importantly I will learn in the process of this small task enough about myself to help me reach other goals as well.

You Are What You Seek

As long as I can remember I have been a seeker. Of knowledge, wisdom, truth and understanding. I have always wanted to know how things work, why we think and behave in certain ways, why life unfolds as it does. At the same time I searched fervently for the recipe to live well, be happy and successful while making a positive impact in the world. When I was young I was certain someone or something held the key and I thought that once I found that key it would unlock the world and open me to a life that was easier, happier and more fulfilling. Over the years I have devoted myself to religion, embraced and supported political and social ideals that seemed to make sense and disciplined myself to be a “good“ person. I have followed plenty of sets of rules to live by and even achieved some success and satisfaction. 

As time passed though I came to realize that the rules and prescriptions for life were in fact a limiter to actually living life. That so much of what we are told is really just an effort to control. Rules etched in stone to make things more predictable or safe. Constraints to tame self expression and passions that somehow frightened ourselves or others thus needing to be contained. Mandates handed down to keep the masses in line while largely ignored by the ones who wrote them. There is a certain comfort in following. The world is complex, life is difficult and down right scary at times, it makes sense that throughout history humans have been seekers looking outside themselves for direction on how to best navigate the course.

However, I have found as I get older that I need to know what is right less than what is possible. I do not recognize the existence or importance of one truth or a singular right path. I have left behind being a seeker of answers and have become a seeker of ideas instead. I am open and feel more free than I ever have leaving infinite room to find genuine self acceptance and appreciation for others and the world around me.

The downside of having a “right” way is that it necessitates a wrong way which then indicts us and others and ignites self rejection and separation.Throughout history this has been the tragic byproduct of looking outside ourselves arguably causing far more harm that good. After all, how can we hope to understand and embrace ourselves and the world more by adhering to a narrow path?

While I am still a seeker with an unquenchable thirst for new thoughts, ideas and experiences I have a strong ability to trust what I feel is right for me. I am grateful to know that what is right for me can and will change at any moment and that it is not likely or necessary that it is right for anyone else. 

I have learned the value of being quiet, to listen to what comes to me rather than to ask for what I want. I have tuned in to connect silently with nature and other people and felt the joy and wonder of those brief moments of oneness. I have discovered that the more connected I become to myself the more intricately tied I am to everyone and everything else.

It seems that in letting go of prescribed ways of living I have finally found a way of being that offers the peace, happiness and positive impact I have always been seeking.

I have few rules now and fewer answers to be sure. I will stumble and may come up short in many ways but I am ok with that because I realize now that what I truly seek is to be at peace with me enough to fully be all that I am and to truly accept and appreciate the world and others as they are that is the best impact I can hope to make.

How To Write Your Personal Mission Statement

A personal mission statement is a simple declaration of the values that ground you. It is why you are you. As such it helps support the reasons you do what you do. Tying your goals to your mission provides the motivation you need . Conversely, investing a lot of time or effort into something that goes against or does not support your mission will be dissatisfying if not disastrous.
Good mission statements are short, less than one paragraph. Clear and just feel right in your gut when you hit on it. It fuels you to grow and supports the goals and relationships you truly want.

How to write a mission statement:
Jot down your top values or principles: What matters most to you?
Consider what mark or impression you want to leave on life
What makes you happiest or sets you on fire?
When you think about the significant things you have done or want to do define WHY you want it
How do you want to be?
This is more about what you want to be rather than achieve but it will fuel the motivation to achieve things that align with it.

Once you get it and it feels good embrace it fully and live it largely.
Write it out and post it everywhere. Write it decoratively, take a photo and use as your screen saver or frame it. Be open to tweaking it as you change as well. Remember you are a work in progress while many of your core values remain constant in your life you are fluid and dynamic, changing beliefs, priorities and direction as you see fit.

My Example:

To embrace life fully and passionately. To experience and connect deeply with all that I can. To recognize and honor the divine beauty and value in everyone including myself and nurture and celebrate it always.

4 Keys To Get On Your Own Best Path

We all have perceptions and ideas that create our reality. These beliefs help us frame ourselves and the world, provide comfort as well as constraint. We can invest a lot of time and effort into learning the best way to think and live. Seeking to find truth in the words and writings of saints and sages. We can be convinced there is a true path out there for us or a specific handbook to follow to the good life, a way of earning our way to peace or bliss. We tend to look outside ourselves for answers others have found and hope in vain it will work for us.

pic by Joerg S 

At nearly fifty years old I can look back over what I have believed in my lifetime and see some vastly different ideology. I have been conservative, moderate and liberal . I have studied or practiced several religions and philosophies. I have adhered to structure and rules at times being very self-disciplined while at others I have chosen to be free spirited, flowing and open.

I like to think as I have grown I have questioned more while at the same time tuning in more clearly to my own sense of what is right for me. I care less for outer standards or mores and embrace what I intuitively know is right for me.

This ability to trust myself more and to set my own boundaries is born out of a sense of self acceptance I did not posses as a younger woman.

When we earn genuine self acceptance many of our beliefs and perceptions are no longer necessary. It matters less how you should be when you are okay with how you are. I use the word earn intentionally. Genuine self acceptance is a hard lesson for most of us, in many cases a life long struggle. Accepting all of who you are; the messy, complex, incredible beauty of all of the light and dark facets of our humanity is no easy task. But once you have, being is lighter and more free. The need to follow some prescription or mandate of how to behave or think falls away.  

Everything is ok. As we turn up the self acceptance and love we find we are infinitely more accepting and loving to others. We naturally do no harm. The respect we have for ourselves overflows and extends to other people, animals, nature. While we may drop the need for standards or rules set by others, we instinctively find our inner compass that guides us to honor ourselves and the world from a place of acceptance, respect, gratitude and celebration.

Acceptance leads us to our purpose and mission. I recognize the thing that has most stood in my way as well as that of my friends and clients through the years, has been the self. Fear is the dream killer of course, but fear is always self involved. Will I fail, be rejected, look bad, be the fool?  This intensely human and universal thinking that plagues us all to some degree seeps in through the cracks of our lack of genuine self acceptance. Genuine self acceptance does not define worth and value on outer standards like accomplishment, beauty or  power. The attachment to good outcomes or approval is greatly diminished, which effectively dials down fear. While I do not believe in complete self acceptance at all times, I do believe we can get very good at it and harness the freedom, peace and power that it provides. Shedding some of these fears and managing the rest through accepting  that any failure or short coming is also ok with us we are then able to pursue our goals more successfully, love with more intimacy and abandon, create with no constraint. We can discover our purpose and set forth boldly on our mission by steeping onto a path of our own making. 

Tune into yourself Pray, meditate, be silent, listen. Daily

Trust Yourself You now what you know. Drop the doubt. You got this. Pay attention to how you feel. Take your own advice.

Be True to Yourself Stop cheating on you. Keep your word to yourself. Do not let your best friend, ( you ) down anymore. Do what you promise. Take care of your body mind and soul and it will take care of you.

Lose Yourself You are infinitely valuable and important what you have to offer the world is needed now. You are a part of the world, stop hogging you to yourself and spread that good stuff around for Pete’s sake! Discover what you have to give and give yourself to it completely. Do not worry what others will think or how the world defines success. Make your own rules and rewrite them as often as necessary.

7 Keys to Freedom & Fulfillment

We are all searching for something. 

Some say that it is love. Others say it is happiness, meaning or purpose. Famous philosophers have been contemplating this for centuries. Frankl believed that man’s fundamental search is for meaning while Aristotle contends that our chief aim in life is happiness. Regardless of how we define what we are searching for, the first thing we need to begin to pursue it is freedom.

Freedom is essential on our path to fulfillment of whatever we seek. It affords us the liberty to desire, pursue and achieve what we want. Yet for some reason we seem to take this for granted. Particularly when you have a good deal of external freedom as we do living in the USA we often do not consider having a lack of it. But even with abundant personal freedom in our country there remains many constraints many of which we put upon ourselves. It is recognizing these constraints and overcoming them that will ultimately lead to our fulfillment and success.

What is freedom?

Freedom is the ability to fully express oneself in any and all fashion. It means to be without restraint or bindings, whether those are internal or external. The ability to be all of oneself and pursue ones desires. Sounds great right? 

It is key to understand the concepts of personal freedom and how to claim them so we will be successful in attaining all the rich rewards life has in store for us. Here, I define the 7 keys to personal freedom and fulfillment that will be useful for your path to success. 

The 7 Keys to Personal Freedom & Fulfillment: 

1. Know Yourself: Socrates said it thousands of years ago and it still is an elemental truth. Know who you are, what makes you tick, and turns you on. Be familiar with your own strengths and weaknesses and know how to use them to your advantage. Be aware of your top core values and live in alignment to them. Be very clear on what you most want most out of life and what you enjoy.
2. Confront your fears: We all have them! I’m not talking about the healthy fear that keeps you from running into traffic. Im talking about the fears that undermine our greatness and stop us from having the freedom, fun and fulfillment that we crave. They stop us from pursuing our biggest goals, living our wildest dreams and even loving fully. The thoughts we have telling us to hold back from life or love to protect ourselves from rejection and pain. These usually result in protecting us and also keeping us from ever getting close to what we most want. It is a paradox: protect self from pain by preventing any hope of real joy. As tough as it is fear is, the first hurdle is to identify the fear. Next overcome and destroy. What are your underlying thoughts? Can you identify what you work on avoiding or what worse case scenario in your mind keeps you from fully engaging? Push your comfort zones, neutralize exaggerated thoughts, and realize that you will survive whatever comes your way. 
3. Revise your core beliefs: Very often the things we believe about ourselves and the world are just plain wrong. You may even be surprised to find that the things you say you believe do not suit you or are just a result of habit of thought. Our beliefs shape our lives in powerful ways. We subconsciously go about proving our beliefs are correct through our actions and interactions with the world. For instance, if you believe people and the world are a overall good and positive, you will seek and find evidence of this on a daily basis. If you believe the opposite you will find plenty of evidence to support that viewpoint as well. Where do our ideas come from? Parents, culture, religion? Ask yourself honestly if they make sense to you. Are they accurate and true? How do you know? Finally, do they serve to make your life and the world better and more powerful or not? Adapt to 0-[pa set of beliefs that make sense to you that are within your value system and add to your life rather than restrict it. 
4. Write your own rules: Obviously we must live within the law, but we must also live authentically, this is freedom at it’s best. What holds us back? Analyze the statements that include ‘should’ and ‘shouldn’t’. Often we are adhering to outside standards, rules and pressure. Lighten up, let yourself be free to be who you are and live your own idea of a good life.  Revisit tip 3 reconsidering your beliefs and then make codes of conduct and expectations that honor yourself and others.
5. Reinforce your foundation: Doing all of these steps requires a strong sense of self-confidence and courage to stretch and grow. These qualities come from the core of your being. Take the time to recharge and strengthen yourself through nurturing and increasing your level of self-acceptance. Know that you came into this world worthy and valuable, as we all do. Know that your value is intrinsic. The stronger and more capable you feel fuels your sense of yourself and what you can do. Feed yourself by acknowledging all your good qualities, talents, and accomplishments as well as past struggles or traumas that you have survived. We rarely give ourselves credit and build on our positives. Instead we tend to harp on mistakes and failures however small as evidence against us that keep us down. Flip that habit around and your foundation will be strong and solid in no time.
6. Foster optimism: Having a positive attitude is just the beginning. Learn to think that things will ultimately work out for the best and that the world is a wondrous place. When we decide that things will not work out or will be difficult we give ourselves an excuse to fail and so we really do not try. Pessimism is self-defeating behavior. Optimism is a personality trait however it is also a choice and a self-fulfilling prophecy. Chose to look at the bright side and have an upbeat attitude. If necessary, fake it till you make it, it is contagious.
7. Practice, Practice Practice: New habits and behaviors take time to adopt. Do not be fooled into thinking it is easier to stay with the status quo. If you have read this far it is because you seek something. Allow yourself the room to be free to stretch and grow. Try on new thinking and give yourself room to stumble and fall. Partner with a friend or coach for encouragement, planning and accountability can help to foster change. 

Having the ability to allow yourself to be authentic, free and creatively explore is the primary step towards fulfilling the love, meaning and purpose you seek. In the end all that matters is what matters to you. You define what you seek and how it is fulfilled. 

Making the Most of the Weather

It took a while to get going, I wondered if it ever would, but finally here we are in the dead heat of Summer. Just days from August and Chicagoland finally has strung together some solid sunshine and sweltering heat. I say bring it on! I don’t know about you but I was downright
fussy with all the rain and cancelled plans. Weather is a great teacher of the need to make the best of what is available to us. There simply is nothing you can do about it. Alter plans, adjust attitudes, get creative.( Photo Mark Freeth)

This is often the case in other areas of life as well. As much as we like to think we are in control, can attract everything we want or change any situation with strong will power, good karma, a  healthy lifestyle and a big dose of optimism, we just cannot. Sometimes things are not under our control, expectations are wrong, promises broken. We become ill, we have a child with challenges, we lose a job, someone we love dies. Life is not predictable and it certainly is not fair but it is good and precious. 

As a life coach and natural die hard optimist I am a big believer in silver linings and new opportunities but I also acknowledge that part of life is painful and difficult. There will always be the catastrophic storms, rain and gray days. I often have to temper my instinct to minimize negative and difficult things. I tend to rush to find the good or the growth that is available if you look deeply or long enough. I have to remind myself thatall experience is part of a rich full life, to be patient and learn to be with whatever I am experiencing. It is even more challenging to allow someone I care for to traverse tough times and resist the urge to “ fix” or help them quickly get through their pain. It is hard to suffer but can be more difficult still to sit with someone you love who is suffering.

We are so trained that negative is so… well... negative. We will do anything to avoid pain or to deny it exists. We want prescriptions for all that ails us to fix it fast or dull it out. Medicine, alcohol, drugs, shopping, sex and so on. There is even a large contingent of folks that say nothing is negative, after all it is just our perception. This way of thinking tempted me several years back for a few minutes then I realized this also is denial and frankly just BS. Life outside ourselves is just like life inside ourselves, a wondrous mix of all things. In all of nature the negative and the positive work together. Opposite charges always coexist, to deny or avoid this fact causes imbalance and rejects life itself.

 Like the weather life is unpredictable, not under our control and not our fault. Life can change very quickly and even violently. The only thing we have any control over is ourselves; how we will make the best of what is available to us. Alter plans, adjust attitudes, get creative, this determines the quality of our lives.

There are many times in life that we should boldly stretch our arms open wide, grabbing hold tightly of all the beauty, never letting go of a single once of goodness. There are also times we must courageously stretch those same arms open, stand firm with our fingers spread wide as we allow what is happening to pass over and through us.

So now that we are in a stretch of good weather what shall we do about it? Open your arms wide, enjoy the sun, embrace life. Make the most of long hot days and shore up all the great times you can muster. Recharge yourself body, mind and soul. Bask in the sunshine of your own brilliance and burn a bit more brightly as a result.