You Are What You Seek

As long as I can remember I have been a seeker. Of knowledge, wisdom, truth and understanding. I have always wanted to know how things work, why we think and behave in certain ways, why life unfolds as it does. At the same time I searched fervently for the recipe to live well, be happy and successful while making a positive impact in the world. When I was young I was certain someone or something held the key and I thought that once I found that key it would unlock the world and open me to a life that was easier, happier and more fulfilling. Over the years I have devoted myself to religion, embraced and supported political and social ideals that seemed to make sense and disciplined myself to be a “good“ person. I have followed plenty of sets of rules to live by and even achieved some success and satisfaction. 

As time passed though I came to realize that the rules and prescriptions for life were in fact a limiter to actually living life. That so much of what we are told is really just an effort to control. Rules etched in stone to make things more predictable or safe. Constraints to tame self expression and passions that somehow frightened ourselves or others thus needing to be contained. Mandates handed down to keep the masses in line while largely ignored by the ones who wrote them. There is a certain comfort in following. The world is complex, life is difficult and down right scary at times, it makes sense that throughout history humans have been seekers looking outside themselves for direction on how to best navigate the course.

However, I have found as I get older that I need to know what is right less than what is possible. I do not recognize the existence or importance of one truth or a singular right path. I have left behind being a seeker of answers and have become a seeker of ideas instead. I am open and feel more free than I ever have leaving infinite room to find genuine self acceptance and appreciation for others and the world around me.

The downside of having a “right” way is that it necessitates a wrong way which then indicts us and others and ignites self rejection and separation.Throughout history this has been the tragic byproduct of looking outside ourselves arguably causing far more harm that good. After all, how can we hope to understand and embrace ourselves and the world more by adhering to a narrow path?

While I am still a seeker with an unquenchable thirst for new thoughts, ideas and experiences I have a strong ability to trust what I feel is right for me. I am grateful to know that what is right for me can and will change at any moment and that it is not likely or necessary that it is right for anyone else. 

I have learned the value of being quiet, to listen to what comes to me rather than to ask for what I want. I have tuned in to connect silently with nature and other people and felt the joy and wonder of those brief moments of oneness. I have discovered that the more connected I become to myself the more intricately tied I am to everyone and everything else.

It seems that in letting go of prescribed ways of living I have finally found a way of being that offers the peace, happiness and positive impact I have always been seeking.

I have few rules now and fewer answers to be sure. I will stumble and may come up short in many ways but I am ok with that because I realize now that what I truly seek is to be at peace with me enough to fully be all that I am and to truly accept and appreciate the world and others as they are that is the best impact I can hope to make.

How To Write Your Personal Mission Statement

A personal mission statement is a simple declaration of the values that ground you. It is why you are you. As such it helps support the reasons you do what you do. Tying your goals to your mission provides the motivation you need . Conversely, investing a lot of time or effort into something that goes against or does not support your mission will be dissatisfying if not disastrous.
Good mission statements are short, less than one paragraph. Clear and just feel right in your gut when you hit on it. It fuels you to grow and supports the goals and relationships you truly want.

How to write a mission statement:
Jot down your top values or principles: What matters most to you?
Consider what mark or impression you want to leave on life
What makes you happiest or sets you on fire?
When you think about the significant things you have done or want to do define WHY you want it
How do you want to be?
This is more about what you want to be rather than achieve but it will fuel the motivation to achieve things that align with it.

Once you get it and it feels good embrace it fully and live it largely.
Write it out and post it everywhere. Write it decoratively, take a photo and use as your screen saver or frame it. Be open to tweaking it as you change as well. Remember you are a work in progress while many of your core values remain constant in your life you are fluid and dynamic, changing beliefs, priorities and direction as you see fit.

My Example:

To embrace life fully and passionately. To experience and connect deeply with all that I can. To recognize and honor the divine beauty and value in everyone including myself and nurture and celebrate it always.

4 Keys To Get On Your Own Best Path

We all have perceptions and ideas that create our reality. These beliefs help us frame ourselves and the world, provide comfort as well as constraint. We can invest a lot of time and effort into learning the best way to think and live. Seeking to find truth in the words and writings of saints and sages. We can be convinced there is a true path out there for us or a specific handbook to follow to the good life, a way of earning our way to peace or bliss. We tend to look outside ourselves for answers others have found and hope in vain it will work for us.

pic by Joerg S 

At nearly fifty years old I can look back over what I have believed in my lifetime and see some vastly different ideology. I have been conservative, moderate and liberal . I have studied or practiced several religions and philosophies. I have adhered to structure and rules at times being very self-disciplined while at others I have chosen to be free spirited, flowing and open.

I like to think as I have grown I have questioned more while at the same time tuning in more clearly to my own sense of what is right for me. I care less for outer standards or mores and embrace what I intuitively know is right for me.

This ability to trust myself more and to set my own boundaries is born out of a sense of self acceptance I did not posses as a younger woman.

When we earn genuine self acceptance many of our beliefs and perceptions are no longer necessary. It matters less how you should be when you are okay with how you are. I use the word earn intentionally. Genuine self acceptance is a hard lesson for most of us, in many cases a life long struggle. Accepting all of who you are; the messy, complex, incredible beauty of all of the light and dark facets of our humanity is no easy task. But once you have, being is lighter and more free. The need to follow some prescription or mandate of how to behave or think falls away.  

Everything is ok. As we turn up the self acceptance and love we find we are infinitely more accepting and loving to others. We naturally do no harm. The respect we have for ourselves overflows and extends to other people, animals, nature. While we may drop the need for standards or rules set by others, we instinctively find our inner compass that guides us to honor ourselves and the world from a place of acceptance, respect, gratitude and celebration.

Acceptance leads us to our purpose and mission. I recognize the thing that has most stood in my way as well as that of my friends and clients through the years, has been the self. Fear is the dream killer of course, but fear is always self involved. Will I fail, be rejected, look bad, be the fool?  This intensely human and universal thinking that plagues us all to some degree seeps in through the cracks of our lack of genuine self acceptance. Genuine self acceptance does not define worth and value on outer standards like accomplishment, beauty or  power. The attachment to good outcomes or approval is greatly diminished, which effectively dials down fear. While I do not believe in complete self acceptance at all times, I do believe we can get very good at it and harness the freedom, peace and power that it provides. Shedding some of these fears and managing the rest through accepting  that any failure or short coming is also ok with us we are then able to pursue our goals more successfully, love with more intimacy and abandon, create with no constraint. We can discover our purpose and set forth boldly on our mission by steeping onto a path of our own making. 

Tune into yourself Pray, meditate, be silent, listen. Daily

Trust Yourself You now what you know. Drop the doubt. You got this. Pay attention to how you feel. Take your own advice.

Be True to Yourself Stop cheating on you. Keep your word to yourself. Do not let your best friend, ( you ) down anymore. Do what you promise. Take care of your body mind and soul and it will take care of you.

Lose Yourself You are infinitely valuable and important what you have to offer the world is needed now. You are a part of the world, stop hogging you to yourself and spread that good stuff around for Pete’s sake! Discover what you have to give and give yourself to it completely. Do not worry what others will think or how the world defines success. Make your own rules and rewrite them as often as necessary.

7 Keys to Freedom & Fulfillment

We are all searching for something. 

Some say that it is love. Others say it is happiness, meaning or purpose. Famous philosophers have been contemplating this for centuries. Frankl believed that man’s fundamental search is for meaning while Aristotle contends that our chief aim in life is happiness. Regardless of how we define what we are searching for, the first thing we need to begin to pursue it is freedom.

Freedom is essential on our path to fulfillment of whatever we seek. It affords us the liberty to desire, pursue and achieve what we want. Yet for some reason we seem to take this for granted. Particularly when you have a good deal of external freedom as we do living in the USA we often do not consider having a lack of it. But even with abundant personal freedom in our country there remains many constraints many of which we put upon ourselves. It is recognizing these constraints and overcoming them that will ultimately lead to our fulfillment and success.

What is freedom?

Freedom is the ability to fully express oneself in any and all fashion. It means to be without restraint or bindings, whether those are internal or external. The ability to be all of oneself and pursue ones desires. Sounds great right? 

It is key to understand the concepts of personal freedom and how to claim them so we will be successful in attaining all the rich rewards life has in store for us. Here, I define the 7 keys to personal freedom and fulfillment that will be useful for your path to success. 

The 7 Keys to Personal Freedom & Fulfillment: 

1. Know Yourself: Socrates said it thousands of years ago and it still is an elemental truth. Know who you are, what makes you tick, and turns you on. Be familiar with your own strengths and weaknesses and know how to use them to your advantage. Be aware of your top core values and live in alignment to them. Be very clear on what you most want most out of life and what you enjoy.
2. Confront your fears: We all have them! I’m not talking about the healthy fear that keeps you from running into traffic. Im talking about the fears that undermine our greatness and stop us from having the freedom, fun and fulfillment that we crave. They stop us from pursuing our biggest goals, living our wildest dreams and even loving fully. The thoughts we have telling us to hold back from life or love to protect ourselves from rejection and pain. These usually result in protecting us and also keeping us from ever getting close to what we most want. It is a paradox: protect self from pain by preventing any hope of real joy. As tough as it is fear is, the first hurdle is to identify the fear. Next overcome and destroy. What are your underlying thoughts? Can you identify what you work on avoiding or what worse case scenario in your mind keeps you from fully engaging? Push your comfort zones, neutralize exaggerated thoughts, and realize that you will survive whatever comes your way. 
3. Revise your core beliefs: Very often the things we believe about ourselves and the world are just plain wrong. You may even be surprised to find that the things you say you believe do not suit you or are just a result of habit of thought. Our beliefs shape our lives in powerful ways. We subconsciously go about proving our beliefs are correct through our actions and interactions with the world. For instance, if you believe people and the world are a overall good and positive, you will seek and find evidence of this on a daily basis. If you believe the opposite you will find plenty of evidence to support that viewpoint as well. Where do our ideas come from? Parents, culture, religion? Ask yourself honestly if they make sense to you. Are they accurate and true? How do you know? Finally, do they serve to make your life and the world better and more powerful or not? Adapt to 0-[pa set of beliefs that make sense to you that are within your value system and add to your life rather than restrict it. 
4. Write your own rules: Obviously we must live within the law, but we must also live authentically, this is freedom at it’s best. What holds us back? Analyze the statements that include ‘should’ and ‘shouldn’t’. Often we are adhering to outside standards, rules and pressure. Lighten up, let yourself be free to be who you are and live your own idea of a good life.  Revisit tip 3 reconsidering your beliefs and then make codes of conduct and expectations that honor yourself and others.
5. Reinforce your foundation: Doing all of these steps requires a strong sense of self-confidence and courage to stretch and grow. These qualities come from the core of your being. Take the time to recharge and strengthen yourself through nurturing and increasing your level of self-acceptance. Know that you came into this world worthy and valuable, as we all do. Know that your value is intrinsic. The stronger and more capable you feel fuels your sense of yourself and what you can do. Feed yourself by acknowledging all your good qualities, talents, and accomplishments as well as past struggles or traumas that you have survived. We rarely give ourselves credit and build on our positives. Instead we tend to harp on mistakes and failures however small as evidence against us that keep us down. Flip that habit around and your foundation will be strong and solid in no time.
6. Foster optimism: Having a positive attitude is just the beginning. Learn to think that things will ultimately work out for the best and that the world is a wondrous place. When we decide that things will not work out or will be difficult we give ourselves an excuse to fail and so we really do not try. Pessimism is self-defeating behavior. Optimism is a personality trait however it is also a choice and a self-fulfilling prophecy. Chose to look at the bright side and have an upbeat attitude. If necessary, fake it till you make it, it is contagious.
7. Practice, Practice Practice: New habits and behaviors take time to adopt. Do not be fooled into thinking it is easier to stay with the status quo. If you have read this far it is because you seek something. Allow yourself the room to be free to stretch and grow. Try on new thinking and give yourself room to stumble and fall. Partner with a friend or coach for encouragement, planning and accountability can help to foster change. 

Having the ability to allow yourself to be authentic, free and creatively explore is the primary step towards fulfilling the love, meaning and purpose you seek. In the end all that matters is what matters to you. You define what you seek and how it is fulfilled. 

Making the Most of the Weather

It took a while to get going, I wondered if it ever would, but finally here we are in the dead heat of Summer. Just days from August and Chicagoland finally has strung together some solid sunshine and sweltering heat. I say bring it on! I don’t know about you but I was downright
fussy with all the rain and cancelled plans. Weather is a great teacher of the need to make the best of what is available to us. There simply is nothing you can do about it. Alter plans, adjust attitudes, get creative.( Photo Mark Freeth)

This is often the case in other areas of life as well. As much as we like to think we are in control, can attract everything we want or change any situation with strong will power, good karma, a  healthy lifestyle and a big dose of optimism, we just cannot. Sometimes things are not under our control, expectations are wrong, promises broken. We become ill, we have a child with challenges, we lose a job, someone we love dies. Life is not predictable and it certainly is not fair but it is good and precious. 

As a life coach and natural die hard optimist I am a big believer in silver linings and new opportunities but I also acknowledge that part of life is painful and difficult. There will always be the catastrophic storms, rain and gray days. I often have to temper my instinct to minimize negative and difficult things. I tend to rush to find the good or the growth that is available if you look deeply or long enough. I have to remind myself thatall experience is part of a rich full life, to be patient and learn to be with whatever I am experiencing. It is even more challenging to allow someone I care for to traverse tough times and resist the urge to “ fix” or help them quickly get through their pain. It is hard to suffer but can be more difficult still to sit with someone you love who is suffering.

We are so trained that negative is so… well... negative. We will do anything to avoid pain or to deny it exists. We want prescriptions for all that ails us to fix it fast or dull it out. Medicine, alcohol, drugs, shopping, sex and so on. There is even a large contingent of folks that say nothing is negative, after all it is just our perception. This way of thinking tempted me several years back for a few minutes then I realized this also is denial and frankly just BS. Life outside ourselves is just like life inside ourselves, a wondrous mix of all things. In all of nature the negative and the positive work together. Opposite charges always coexist, to deny or avoid this fact causes imbalance and rejects life itself.

 Like the weather life is unpredictable, not under our control and not our fault. Life can change very quickly and even violently. The only thing we have any control over is ourselves; how we will make the best of what is available to us. Alter plans, adjust attitudes, get creative, this determines the quality of our lives.

There are many times in life that we should boldly stretch our arms open wide, grabbing hold tightly of all the beauty, never letting go of a single once of goodness. There are also times we must courageously stretch those same arms open, stand firm with our fingers spread wide as we allow what is happening to pass over and through us.

So now that we are in a stretch of good weather what shall we do about it? Open your arms wide, enjoy the sun, embrace life. Make the most of long hot days and shore up all the great times you can muster. Recharge yourself body, mind and soul. Bask in the sunshine of your own brilliance and burn a bit more brightly as a result.

Self Acceptance = Peace and Freedom

Self Acceptance is an understanding and  peace with who and how you are regardless of the approval or opinion of others. It is a quiet acknowledgment of your strengths and talents as well as your struggles and shortcomings as part of the complex and beautifully human package of who you truly are. All valuable, all critical to the totality of you. It does not mean you adore every one of those aspects or do not endeavor to change bad habits or grow. In fact, self acceptance fuels self growth and self esteem because we are able to keep moving forward once we are done holding ourselves back with fear, guilt or a desire to seek the approval of others.

I am totally independent of the good or bad opinion of others

I am beneath no one

I am perfectly capable to handle anything that comes my way.

Deepak Chopra

This mantra sums it up so well. You are you. You define your own worth and value. No one else has that power. All others will view and judge us through their own smeared lenses of personal agendas and insecurities. Some will try to control us, even with the best intention and it is easy to get caught up believing messages that just are not true. Learning that we are independent beings that can chose what we believe about ourselves and our lives gives us the freedom to find fulfillment as well as the ability to offer love and acceptance to others.

To find peace with ourselves we must be willing to let go of the need to have the approval of others. This is especially true of those closest to us. We typically suffer the most pain and struggle at the hands of family and lovers. It can be difficult to navigate a course that honors and loves others and ourselves at the same time. Most of what we are taught is to put others first, to sacrifice our own needs and desires so we do not act “selfish”. The lovely message to be caring and considerate of others does more to undermine our own happiness than we can imagine. The truth is one must find a way to honor their own needs as primary then chose to share and care freely with others next. Before we can really be true to anyone else we must learn to be true to ourselves.

Ultimately our lives are our own. We are on a singular journey that we may chose to share with others. Chose wisely those that help you head in the direction that uplifts and supports you. Understand that those that do not sometimes simply can not and have their own demons to conquer, let them. We tend to take far too many things personally and spend too much time as a result trying to conform or please someone else’s notion of us. We cannot reach nirvana chasing someone else’s dream. When we find self acceptance we worry less about how we are perceived and do not seek another’s approval to know that we are a -ok. We will always bask in the glow of admiration and feel good about a pat on the back but we can learn to let go of the pain that stops us in our tracks and crushes our spirit. Begin to be your own best counsel and trust yourself and your opinions on what is right for you. Sure, there will be times you are wrong, fall short or fail miserably, accept that too and let it feed your strength and independence as you keep on moving full steam ahead.

By shifting perspectives on our own ideas of human worth and empowering ourselves to define who and how we will live our lives things begin to take shape and head in the direction of our dreams with more freedom, fulfillment, happiness and success than we otherwise could have imagined. 

Julia Skeesick, CPC. CEO of LifeScape Strategies works with clients to define and create lives of their own design. She provides private and group coaching workshops seminars and retreats that support more freedom success balance and happiness in both our personal and professional lives, learn more

The How & Why of a Personal Manifesto

Manifestos are not strictly reserved for famous or super crazy people.  I think they are important for each of us to define for ourselves and the world who we are, what we believe and hold dear to us. I wrote mine 2 years ago as a blog post. It was interesting to revisit it. I have not wavered in what I stated at that time even though many things have changed since then. The manifesto goes beyond goals or whims and deals with the bigger picture of life,  how you view it and live it. It provides insight to our core being an what motivates us.
I am reposting this since it has been a long time and I am currently working on personal mission statements and manifestos with my WIne Women & Wisdom groups this week. I am encouraging them and you to write your own. 
What you think and believe matters. Take yourself seriously, consider where you stand on topics you think are important and value your own opinion. It does not have to be right for everyone,  just for you. Then use your manifesto as a guide to measure if you are living up to your own standards. You will enjoy much more peace and happiness when you are.

Personal Manifesto

Reprint from Oct 2013

 I was writing the other night on the subject of personal beliefs and how they influence and impact our daily lives yet we rarely truly consider them.  I stopped what I was working on and started writing a list of my own beliefs and have made a manifesto to contain them. I hope that I embody these beliefs, I hope to be remembered for them and I hope I will alter them when and if they need to be updated.

When was the last time you considered the beliefs that shape your values and views of the world?

If it has been a while rest assured you are in good company. I can safely assume that if you ask most people they do not have a ready list of their beliefs and likely not a written collection. Yet, I think it is a revealing and revolutionary exercise to invest in.

Most of us have underlying beliefs about ourselves and the world that we simply take for granted. They have always been there and we do not often think about them or if they are true and valid or where we even got the ideas in the first place.

Sometimes these beliefs are steadfast comforting guides, keys to our behavior that help us to navigate the world successfully.

But just as often these beliefs can undermine and limit us or our experience of life and cause us grief, guilt and suffering.

I encourage you to examine your own beliefs about who you are, how you live and what you think about others and the world. While you are doing this determine if these are true for you and if they serve to make you more or less happy and successful.

Give yourself the freedom and power to challenge your ideas and fully embrace what you believe to be true or let go of what you do not to make your own Manifesto.

I would love to see it!

I have included mine below

My Manifesto

• I believe that a core of real self acceptance and genuine confidence is the foundation of happiness and success.
• I believe the rampant lack of this is the root of most suffering, sadness, violence, dissatisfaction and mediocrity.
• I believe and embrace that all of life’s experiences are a valid opportunity to experience fully what is available to me. I also accept that it is perfectly ok that I am not always happy about that experience at the time it occurs but know I will eventually grow and become more because of it whether I like it or not.
• I believe life is good, but not only good things happen.
• I believe things that are difficult and horrific are part of life and not a result of bad karma, poor behavior or a failing on someone’s part.
• I believe that whatever happens in life is an opportunity to be more. That it often matters little the result or whether we win but how we showed up in the game
• I believe that sometimes bad things happen to good people and good things happen to bad people 
• I believe that we all get to define what is good or bad in our lives for ourselves.
• I believe everyone is created equal in worth and value yet completely unique.
• I believe that worth and value are intrinsic, not earned
• I believe humans are special in the world
• I believe and understand that we are not all given the same playing field or equipment to play with: that is life, it is not fair but it can be pretty damn good.
• I believe we all have the right to choose what we believe as well as how we want to think, behave and live and we should cherish and protect that freedom for all.
• I believe that with freedom comes responsibility first to ourselves and then to everyone else.
• I believe I am whole, complete and capable even when it appears or feels otherwise
• I believe that life is a treasure with more beauty and wonder than we can ever experience in just one lifetime but that we should give it a damn good shot.
• I believe more in using things up then in saving them
• I believe that less rules are better, at least for me.
• I believe the primary rule is do no harm
• I believe in living passionately and enjoying life as much as possible.
• I believe there is more than one true love and many soul mates, if you are open you may find one or two

Define who you are and what you believe in for for yourself. Be clear, then be honest if you are living in alignment to that. After all, who you are and how you live is up to you.  Take the time,  make the effort.  I believe you and your life is worth it.