What's all the Hype about Self Esteem?

 It seems there is way too much talk about self esteem. Despite all the discussion and well intended efforts to bolster it, healthy self esteem remains mysterious and elusive for many.

The more I learn about  and work with people the more I believe a healthy self esteem is the foundation of a healthy happy life.

That being said I can recall, especially when I had school-age children, lots of odd ideas about what it was and how to instill it and how to avoid squashing it. Some of this information was good,  but some really missed the mark and did not foster real self esteem and may have actually done the opposite.

So what is self esteem? I like this definition I found on wikipedia:

Self-esteem, is a term in psychology to reflect a person's overall emotional evaluation of his or her own worth. It is a judgement of oneself as well as an attitude toward the self. Self-esteem encompasses beliefs (for example, "I am competent", "I am worthy") and emotions such as triumph, despair, pride and shame.^[1] 'The self-concept is what we thinkabout the self; self-esteem, is the positive or negative evaluations of the self, as inhow we feel about it'.^[2]

Self-esteem is a disposition that a person has which represents their judgements of their own worthiness.^[3] In the mid 1960s, Morris Rosenberg and social-learning theorists defined self-esteem in terms of a stable sense of personal worth or worthiness.^[4] Nathaniel Branden in 1969 defined self-esteem as "...the experience of being competent to cope with the basic challenges of life and being worthy of happiness". According to Branden, self-esteem is the sum of self-confidence (a feeling of personal capacity) and self-respect(a feeling of personal worth). It exists as a consequence of the implicit judgement that every person has of their ability to face life's challenges,to understand and solve problems, and, their right to achieve happiness, and be given respect.^[5]

Self esteem then is your self regard or perception. High, good or healthy self esteem is what we are after.

This is not ego, arrogance or superficial. It is not based on deeds or accomplishments. It is not fragile, dependent on others or defensive.

It is a quiet confidence, acceptance and a comfortable feeling that is lasting.

I believe that is what we need as our foundation to be our best. This acceptance and appreciation of who we are , a clear understanding of ours as well as others intrinsic worth and value and a belief in our capability to manage our lives.

How does it feel to have that?

If you do not, how much of a difference might you experience in your life if you did?

For me it has been impactful although late coming.

An unstable tumultuous childhood did little to develop a sense of self esteem in my childhood, in fact quite the contrary.

I was in my late thirties with many self help books, classes, religious studies and philosophies under my belt before I came to realize my own self acceptance, worth and esteem.

A workshop by Debbie Ford provide the impetus to bring everything together for me. A moment of transformation where I saw things and saw myself differently... permanently and completely.

It is a life changer; not that one still does not have moments of doubt and absolute idiocy(many),  just that those moments do no damage and the sense that all is well remains intact. It is a knowing that you are more than what you do or how you appear. It changes how you look at yourself of course but also it is the truest route to acceptance of others and that is such a pleasure as well.

If you are the fortunate minority that have healthy self esteem enjoy it. It will support and propel you in all your pursuits.

However, if this has been a struggle for you, know that you may count yourself with the majority but need not remain that way.

With an open mind and some effort this can be improved and when it is everything in life improves with it.

What do you think are the top 3 things that make you valuable?

What if those things were gone?

Are you dependent on the good opinion or praise of others for a sense of pride or accomplishment?

Do you become angry or hurt when someone criticizes you?

What might it be worth to discover your worth and find real acceptance and healthy self esteem?

You are worth the effort... believe me.

Do More Than Vote

Happy Election Day!

It is good to remember today the privilege and fortune we have to live in a country where we have the right to vote. Sometimes we forget that this is not a right that everyone in the world enjoys. As a woman I am particularly aware that in many places not only do women not have the right to vote but are often not even included in the census, they do not even count as part of the population.

Our right to vote as Americans was hard fought; a crucial part of our freedom and what defines our country. If you are African American or a woman that fight was even longer and far more difficult. It is a travesty that the numbers of voters are so low.

It is easy of course and understandable to be disenchanted with the political system; gridlock and corruption are rampant and perpetuated by a media that believes negativity and sensationalism feeds ratings... sadly, in truth it does.

It is challenging to remain optimistic in the face of all this but it is possible. There are good leaders, there are smart people that care about the country and have good ideas, we  just must look harder. Sometimes it is a choice of the lesser of two evils as we try to select people closer to our own values and ideals.

In the bigger picture we desperately need to make some significant changes to the way our leadership represents us and works together for the common goal of the good of our nation. We cannot expect that change will ever occur however if we do not have our voices heard and take action. In a government founded for and by the people it is not just our leaders that are failing us. We the people need to be willing to get involved; to be part of the solution, to resist the trend of pointing fingers of blame at Washington and Wall Street and instead take an honest look at the influence we as individuals have.

In reality the changes we so desperately need in this country start with each of us. Regardless of who wins this or any election there will be no real significant lasting change, no return to greatness and prosperity without the American people making significant changes in their own lives, families and communities.  It is time we step up to the  plate and have the integrity and character in our own lives that we say we want from our leaders.

As individuals what are we personally doing to improve the current challenges our country is facing? Do we really believe that the solutions to all our problems would or could be found in a few hundred officials much less one president as we go about our daily business and continue to complain about the problems and the mess "they" are making?

How are you a leader in your own life ? What are you doing to contribute to your family, community and country? Politically we need more good people to be involved run for office and vote.  But, while we have had some great political leaders throughout history it has never been politicians that make our country great. It has been the people.

We must return to personal responsibility and excellence. Are we being creative and innovative in our lives and our our work? Are we raising our children to be respectful, well educated, ambitious and optimistic? Are we solution focused and moving forward setting an example for our young people to be proud of? Are we looking for the new roads to prosperity and peace that are required in a rapidly changing world or are we waiting stubbornly for the glory days to magically reappear?

It is often said if you aren't part of the solution you are part of the problem...I think this holds very true.

While you may not often hear about it there truly are wonderful passionate intelligent people working tirelessly for the good of their families communities and countries...yes, even a few politicians. But there are not enough.

On this election day let us be thankful for our feedom and optimistic about our country yet realistic in acknowledging that we must do even more than vote we must each make a difference.

"Ask not what your country can do for you but what you can do for your country" JFK

 

 

The 5k Challenge

Much to my own surprise I ran a 5k this morning, the Chicago Hot Chocolate 5k. This may not seem like very interesting news but it is for me for several reasons. Firstly, I am not a runner, in fact even as a child I hated to run and avoided it at all costs. While I am a regular at the gym I do very little traditional cardio and instead focus on weight and circuit training.

Secondly, this 5k was planned for my two daughters to do together, a sister activity ,however one is out of town so I was subbed in.

And thirdly, I was told up to literally minutes before the race that I was in a 5k walk not a run...Surprise!

Well as usual I love a surprise...once I get used to it.

As we arrived at 7 am on a beautiful but cold Sunday morning I was astounded by the crowd. There were thousands of participants, hundreds of volunteers all vastly diverse; every race, size and age was represented. I was glad to be there... spirits and energy were high. There was some confusion and soon I found myself approaching the starting line in this mass of people trying to be prepared and a good sport but warning my daughter repeatedly   "I am not a runner...I can't run ...I may pass out or die ." I was not kidding by the way, I was more than a bit nervous not knowing what to expect.

The first quarter to half mile was the hardest as I awkwardly jogged along my nose running I quickly became breathless and immediately wondered how I would do this. My daughter encouraged me playfully saying " You are in better shape then me c'mon mom!" I assured her that was just not so; I do not work out like this, it was not my thing and told her to leave me behind. But somehow at the same time I was committed to continue knowing I did not want to disappoint her or myself. I ran rather slowly and walked a bit that first portion. She cheered and teased me on, I was also encouraged  by bystanders as well as other runners seemingly not in the best physical shape yet pushing themselves... I did not want to be a wimp.

Eventually, to my surprise it got better rather than worse as I went along. By the first mile marker I successfully convinced my daughter to run ahead not wanting to hold her back, as she ran off so effortlessly I slowly began to find my stride and my breathing regulated a bit. It became tolerable. I thought of my friends that are passionate runners telling me once you push past the discomfort you find a stride and get in the zone and how they love it. Apparently a 5k is not long enough to find the zone for me or to push past discomfort... that did not happen. Overall, I was very uncomfortable I started out cold and very soon was overly hot, my right leg hurt and burned early in the race and still does, my lips and mouth were extremely dry and I was short of breath.

I continued on determined to do this. I kept marking goals for myself to push for till I walked a bit but I ran far more than I walked.  Although I surely did not look like one, I somehow felt athletic and enjoyed being part of this large group with the common goal...to finish.

The home stretch was the best for me; as soon as I saw the  finish line in the distance I knew I could do it and run the rest of the way easily, it seemed shorter now than I thought it would be and not so bad after all. I absently thought I should have pushed myself even harder along the way and ran faster.

Afterward I found my daughter and was pleased with myself that I had finished not too far behind her. I was grateful my other daughter had not been able to make it, happy  I had done something I normally would never dream to do. We headed over to enjoy the promised chocolate and soak up the sunshine in Grant Park for a few minutes before heading home.

I had some insights and found a few interesting analogies in the 5K Challenge. I thought of the times I or one of my clients find themselves facing a challenge that was unexpected and react by feeling completely unprepared, unable and fearful. It seems oftentimes we immediately look to the reasons we cannot do something as I did, and  just start listing them. Also, how any challenge we start is hard and can be very uncomfortable at first. In fact, most valuable things are hard and uncomfortable as we stretch outside our comfort zone to discover that we can do something we thought we could not. As we commit and go along things ease and we find a stride or routine that works. The value of making small goals along the way to focus on rather than being overwhelmed by the larger goal that is as of yet out of sight as a way to keep moving forward and stay motivated. Even the fact that some things are worth doing in spite of being unpleasant. Just for the power of the experience, to see that you can and say that you did. There is value in that as each time we do something new and different successfully it forms a solid foundation for our next challenge and strongly fuels optimism and self esteem. And the finish line! The excitement when what we are after comes into view knowing that we have made it ...and ya know that wasn't so bad after all. What a great feeling! I hope to savor that and take it with me next time to the starting line, although my next starting line will not likely be a race, it is a lesson I plan to carry. I also have a  bit better understanding now, having never been an athlete, of why people push themselves physically, a small taste of how wonderful it is to make it across the finish line and how sport truly mirrors life.

These things I would have never known without this opportunity today and choosing to take it ...so the sore legs are well worth it.

 

"Everything is hard before it is easy" Goethe