The Power of Gratitude & Compassion

Gratitude and compassion are two key qualities that actively work to connect us to ourselves and others, lift our spirits and feed our souls. When we make time regularly to truly acknowledge the wondrous beauty and bountiful blessings in life it shifts us from our mantra of mundane complaints. We cannot simultaneously be depressed and grateful, we cannot be angry and compassionate. These are our balance emotions and we can use them to bring more acceptance, peace, understanding, happiness and connection into our lives immediately.

Gratitude begs us to step back for a moment and really see what is good right in front of us, many times the things we enjoy day to day we take for granted. But really opening our eyes to what is good opens our heart as well allowing love, light and life to find a place in our soul as a result. Search out the beauty, the fun, the gifts of everyday living and celebrate the role it has in your life. You will immediately find more to appreciate once you make it a habit to appreciate.

Compassion is often confused with sympathy and pity but it is more beautiful and complex than that. Compassion requires us to feel with our hearts and connect with our soul the experience before us in a deeper, more loving and understanding way. It allows us to make room for understanding and forgiveness first for ourselves and then for everyone else. An added bonus of compassion is that when we struggle or are in pain we can appreciate that the experience we have is shared with others known and  unknown to us. This knowing can help us to learn compassion for others through the parts of our lives we want to avoid and are hard pressed to find value in.  The judgements, isolation, anger that turn us against ourselves and each other all drop away as compassion increases and gives us a softer view of everything.

Compassion for Connection

It seems to me that everything is a play of oppositional forces in life. I suppose that is what the symbol of yin and yang is all about. Sometimes we forget that this applies to everything including ourselves and that it is a good thing.

Recognizing the duality of the nature of things and accepting it can bring us peace.

In reality there are subtle shades and multiple hues inherent in who we are and all aspects of our world but being human we so prefer stark contrast and set rules. Categorizing things and people as good or bad, dark and light helps us make sense of our world and enables us to make quick decisions that are at times necessary for our survival. However, this habit can also be our down fall as we harshly judge ourselves and others creating more separation and preventing us from the connection, experience and acceptance we truly seek.

When we consider that all things, including ourselves are a complex mixture of negative and positive elements we can chose to begin to accept all of that rather than fool ourselves into thinking only part of the package is acceptable. We have the ability to look at all parts of ourselves with compassion and can then extend that to others as well.

I think in the long run this is the purpose of our lives, to learn acceptance and compassion for the purpose of connection starting with ourselves.

Connection is what we all seek, though we may call it different things we all deeply desire feeling grounded and connected to the essence of who we are. We yearn to feel at peace with our place in the world. We want to be seen as who we really are and loved as well as see and love another. Some may have a stirring to share creatively in the world, I believe all or most of us do as yet another means to take what is within us and push it out to connect with others. Connection. It comes in many forms but that is what it is all about.

The thing that stands in the way of connection is of course our notions of rejection and separation. This goes back to the idea of dark and light, good and bad and our human history of judging ourselves and others. We have spent thousands of years building real and imaginary walls, keeping “them” out while at the same time segregating ourselves from the full richness and beauty we seek. The truth is all we reject in others exists in ourselves as well so our hate or disdain for another becomes a self recrimination even when we do not realize it. We can never feel fully loved and at peace with ourselves when we harbor hate for another because we are all part of the same whole and our soul knows this to be true even when we do not.

As I have learned to accept all of who I am, including the darkness, ignorance and shortcomings it has helped me more fully appreciate my beauty, brilliance, creativity and warmth. It has most significantly enabled me to embrace others for all that they are and to feel the sameness and connection that is there. Learning self acceptance and compassion not only heals your own soul but has the power to reconnect us to the collective soul that we unknowingly seek.

I believe that the pathway to this acceptance and connection is compassion. Recently, I have realized that the best teacher of compassion is struggle and suffering for it is in these moments when we are burned to the hottest glow all pretense and artifice turns to ash. It is in these times that barriers fall away and we can learn compassion for all others that suffer as we do and feel the sameness that exists in that pain. We like to think love brings people together and indeed it does but nothing connects us more than recognizing the familiar pain in the eyes of another. Depth of emotion teaches an open mind to feel the essence of truth that is hidden in other moments. Learning compassion for our own struggles, insecurities and doubts allows us to make room for everyone else who faces the same dark nights. It is in this that the beauty of our struggles is revealed, when we can allow our hearts to feel not only our own pain but the sorrow of others as well without turning away. With boldness and courage we can cultivate our strength and embrace our vulnerable humanity at the same time.

Compassion. To understand with the heart the reality of the soul. We are all a mixture of light and dark. None of us all bad or all good. Thankfully we are a complex mixture of all things, just as is the nature of life. Know this. Accept this. Embrace this. This truth will bring you the peace and connection you seek.

Fall in Love with Your Life

I have the daunting task of speaking on this subject next Tuesday night. I have over 30 people registered for a free workshop on this very topic and while I am working on that presentation I have paused to organize my thoughts.

90 minutes to reveal the main themes of a better, happier, more meaningful life.

When I speak it is important to me that I give information that fulfills the promise of the topic, it must be useful, practical and easy to understand. I hope to inspire people to look at something in a new way and to take some new action towards their own objectives. If I can do that with just a handful of people, I think it is well worth the effort.

In creating this season’s topic: Fall in Love with Your Life my inspiration came from the same source that made me chose to work with people in the first place, rampant unhappiness, boredom and dissatisfaction. It is troubling how many of us are just not that thrilled with our lives. How common it is to center our conversations around a litany of complaints or declarations of boredom and frustration.

I think the reasons for this are complex and many, but In large part it is how we are raised. Growing up well behaved can dampen our passionate nature and encourage us to focus too much on the business of life.We are told to save the good stuff for when we have time, have finished all the important stuff or as a reward for being good. Since our upbringing typically also leaves us feeling not good enough we can get in the habit of severely limiting the things we most enjoy since we don’t really deserve them. 

If that is not enough, our culture bombards us with ideas and items that promise happiness but hold fleeting pleasure at best. With messages of beauty and youth, money and material goods being the route to the good life it is easy to see how we get off track.

There is a fundamental misunderstanding of what makes life good and a lack of encouragement to make it a priority to figure it out. It is as if we have all agreed to wait to be happy till we are done with the business of living. We can become convinced in fact, that ideas like meaning, purpose and happiness are esoteric and flaky. 

For these reasons and others by the time we hit midlife we may have forgotten what it is we enjoy. I cannot tell you how many times I begin to work with a client over 40 that cannot answer the question of what they really want. Some of us have learned to give up, having been beaten down with disappointment and rejection we chose to play it safe. Unfortunately, safe is not a defining feature of the passionate life. We tune out due to fear and a lack of direction and inspiration making matters even worse.

But underneath it all our soul yearns for more. As much as we want to deny it it will needle away at us to seek a passionate life. Just listen to the discontent, complaints, longings and dreams and you will hear your own soul calling to you. 

So what do we need to love our life?

 I think we need to pay more attention to how we feel rather than what we think. The brain loves logic, it’s focus is on safety and tasks that must be done. The soul is emotion, experiences and connection. While both are important it is our soul that will lead us to a life that we love. To discover a life that you love is to learn to listen to yourself, to trust what you feel as your guide. To spend more of your time on the business of the soul than the preoccupations of the mind and to embrace it. To love your life you must live it. Live is a verb by the way just like love.

Live a Life You Love

Reset. Stop. Remember. Reconnect to what you love and value. What makes you happy, what you enjoy, what you once dreamed of, what you are really good at.

Awareness Who you are & what you crave

Acceptance All that you are and the reality around you. Be a good friend to you.

Appreciate Everything. There is so much beauty in the world around us. Through our experiences we learn joy, strength or compassion. 

Act Do more of what you love and less of the stuff you don’t. Things will be different once you start doing different things.

Acorns and Oak Trees

The biggest struggle human beings face is to reach their potentials and simply enjoy their lives. It seems odd that we need seemingly endless instruction, redirection, tips and tools to happily and successfully navigate our own lives. After all, isn’t it in our nature to instinctively develop into all that we are? Why is it so darn hard?

It seems other things in nature more easily and readily unfold. An acorn needs no instruction, if it is lucky enough to fall on solid ground and get the right nutrition it can develop into the oak tree it was always meant to be.

Just as the acorn has everything it needs within it to become a tall, strong oak tree, we have within us everything we need to be a beautiful human soul, capable of infinite, amazing things. Like the acorn we develop best when we are fortunate enough to fall on solid ground and receive the right nutrients to grow into all we can be. However, there are a whole lot of acorns out there that get gobbled up, crushed, swept away or may even put down roots but never fully mature.

I think this is an apt analogy to humans. In all of nature the worth and value of a thing is inherent, all the ingredients are there to reach the potentials of that being. At the same time, there are many factors that can help or hinder whether the potential is actually met. The more complex the creature the more complex these factors are, they can even be tragic. Humans  are so advanced that our own arrogance can become a hindrance. Fooling us into forgetting our place in nature and that the rules of acorns apply to us as well.

For all our advanced development we struggle to reconnect to our essential nature and can lose sight of what we already have or really need to develop into all we are meant to be. While we too can certainly face harsh environments, get gobbled up and swept away by countless predators or fail to be offered the nutrients we need, we retain the ability to start again at any time. We can chose to reconnect to everything we need to get our shot at becoming all that we are. Unlike acorns, humans have an amazing capacity for creativity, healing and resilience. We just need to take the time to remember the nature of who we are, discover what is in the way and chose to grow despite any factors threatening to get in our way. The secret so many of us fail to discover is that in becoming all that we are we will find our greatest joy. It is in our struggle to grow and pursue what is most important to us that we find we are enjoying our lives along the way.

Here is how to get out of your own way and grow

The thing that most stands in the way of the life you want to live is the life you are living now. We must be willing to let go of what and where we are to grow into what we are meant to be.

Make Time & Space We get on a hamster wheel in our lives filling our time with tasks that must be done. Many of these hold little meaning or fulfillment . Exhausted we fill the space around those tasks with mindless background noise and passive activities that seem relaxing but are really just numbing. We leave so little time to dream, to listen to a far off call, to remember a long ago dream. Rule number one is to create space to just be. Meditate, connect with nature, do anything creative and engaging. You will know you have it when you feel in the zone, at peace or fully alive.

Accept Your Divine Nature Okay, so if an acorn is special enough to hold within it a master plan for a powerful oak tree what might be within you if you place yourself on solid ground? One thing that little acorn has on us is it is not advanced enough to doubt itself. Get back to basics accept that you are a miraculous creation destined for great things. It matters not if you fell on rocky ground and have been told you will never be an oak you just have to remember regardless of what anyone says you are a creation unto itself with magnificent potential waiting to unfold.

Get Up and Grow Let’s say like me that where you landed is not the best place to take root. Or maybe you need some nutrients to fully develop. Identify what you need and chose what is best for you. It can be painful to recognize when you are not in the right place or the relationships you are in are not supportive or positive. The truth is the pain stops not long after you move on. There are billions of people out there to connect with and many places you can put down roots and start anew, be open and the world will be open to you.

Spending Time

How do you spend your time?

It is a heavily weighted question one that we need to pause and ask ourselves on a regular basis. We all lament how fast time passes and the way this seems to quicken as we age. TIme is our most valuable commodity yet we exchange it for things that do not hold much value everyday.

• How much time will be spent on activities you enjoy?
• How much will be shared with people you love and love you in return?
• How many moments will be spent acquiring knowledge and wisdom or a new talent or skill?
• How much time today have you set aside to care for your health?
• How many hours will you spend feeding your soul?
• How much time is set aside for chores that have to be done?
• How many precious moments will be squandered waiting?
• How many hours will you exchange in work to earn money?
• How much of is hijacked by things or people you do not care to engage with?
• How much of your time is spent looking back or planning ahead rather than being present?

Every moment matters. Every moment is a choice and all these moments add up to be the totality of our lives. It is the most precious yet most taken for granted commodity there is. Time.

Although we love to measure it and constantly try to manipulate it, our time is largely unaccounted for and completely unpredictable. We usually vacillate between thinking we have all the time in the world to feeling we are running out of time.

We fool ourselves with clocks, alarms, schedules and stop watches that we have a handle on this and manage our time well. But are we really spending our time on what matters?

I think for me and for most of us the answer is no. 

If we really considered how little time we have and how many things we can fill it with I think our days would be spent much differently. Women in particular tend to give our time to others, we want to be caring and nice, we want to make everything right for our family and friends often at great personal expense. We fool ourselves into thinking our time will come and we keep putting ourselves and our dreams in the backset. But both men and women put off what they want to do to take care of what they think they have to do and tell themselves they will do what they really want next time. How arrogant and short sighted this is, as if we have the luxury of limitless time. We do not. Each of us has a limit. While our souls are infinite our bodies and this world are not and we cannot predict what the next moment will hold despite our best planning and intentions. 

Maybe that is why we take time for granted. It is just too scary to think in terms of the reality of it. Time is immeasurable and invaluable. We cannot fathom it try as we might so we do not think about it. It amazes me how willing we all are to fill it with stuff that is empty and unfulfilling.

I am not immune to this. I put off goals that I had for myself as a young woman using the excuse it would take too much time, getting an advanced degree for instance, seemed like a long road so I settled for a lesser degree that also was far less interesting. I have put many things off in my life like starting my business waiting for the right time. There are so many examples of waiting or of rushing that are a result of a lack of appreciation of the time I have and the clarity to understand I do not know how much more I will get.

This is why I think hitting the pause button is the best thing we can do once in awhile to be sure what we are doing each moment and each day counts. Does this mean we have to spend all our time in series pursuits and impressive accomplishments? Absolutely yes and no. It means we need to evaluate or time to be grateful for it and to use it wisely in a way that best suits us. 

People always ask how do you create a happy meaningful life? It is by stringing together happy meaningful moments. Seize the time you have and use it to create the life you want.

Use Stress & Anxiety to Live Better

Stress and anxiety are very common complaints, both can wreck havoc on our lives and on our health.

These terms are used interchangeably but are actually different. Identifying which one is playing a role, getting to the root of it can help to manage or alleviate the symptoms and actually help you to live a better life.

Symptoms of stress and anxiety can look and feel the same:  Headaches, tense muscles, upset stomach, overwhelm, crying, fatigue, depression, nervousness, tension. 

What symptoms do you suffer?

Basically stress is a response to a situation or circumstances you perceive you do not have the resources such as time, money, knowledge and ability to deal with. It is feeling inadequate in some way to deal with the issue at hand. This is why we frequently say “I can’t handle this”.

Anxiety is often more sneaky. It can arise as a very physical feeling and many times we do not recognize what is causing it. Think of times you had the pit in your stomach, lump in your throat, jittery nervousness. Anxiety is related to our brains limbic system and can in some cases be part of a medical disorder. If you have been plagued with long bouts or even lifelong anxiety and fear a doctor is in order. Just like any other organ the brain has disorders that can require medical intervention. However, feeling mild to moderate anxiety on occasion can occur when we are not being true to ourselves and we are not in tune with what is out of synch.

 While most of us try to avoid feelings like these for good reasons, it does serve a purpose and can be of benefit. Rather than cover up these feelings or complain about them we can gain valuable insight and direction from them.

 When working correctly stress and anxiety function as our body’s alarm clock, a way to signal when we are off track, are overloaded and need to step back or realign ourselves. Learning to recognize, listen and respond enables us to work with our bodies and brains which immediately bring our stress level down and happiness level up. 

Simple steps to use stress and anxiety to actually improve your life.

1. Stop. When you notice those uncomfortable feelings, pause to make time to examine them
2. Is there a demand on your time, money or self you feel unable to meet? If so, is it true or self doubt? 
3. Gather resources to meet the demands ask for help or realize you are more capable than you think.
4. Chose differently. Many times we do not have to do anything. Can you say no, delegate or avoid?
5. Are you going against your own interests or values?
6. Stop the habit of a stressful mindset. Stay in the moment rather than listing all you have to do.
7. Take control, make a plan. Focus your energy in a proactive way. Knowing what you will do will help you feel better. Break down the steps and chose to take action rather than feel overwhelmed or defeated.
8. Self care weekly habits such as exercise, fun, spirituality, nutrition help us balance our lives to be at our best to meet life’s inevitable challenges. Make it a priority to take care of you.

What If The Only Person That Can Change The World Is You?

photo Juan Flores

I saw a man today with a t-shirt on that said Jesus is the solution. It gave me pause to think about that and with all due respect heartily disagree. 
I do not discount the power of prayer or discredit anyones faith however, humans have been generously
equipped to handle and solve most of our problems. Unfortunately, most of the time we chose not to. This of course applies to our personal lives and problems but also to the big issues that face our world today.

When I think about the complex problems we face in our community, country and world in general most of them are rooted in human behavior. From a young age social ills and injustice have weighed heavy on me but the last few years I have become more and more disturbed by trends of random shootings and other violence, the lack of courtesy and respect and rampant racism of all types. We have younger more violent criminals, increasing segregation and hate and maybe most disturbing an overwhelming lack of response to these horrific problems. I hear people comment on the latest shootings with less outrage and horror remarking that it is just the way it is now. But it is not just the big tragic events but the everyday lack of well …decency.

Complacency is the greatest accomplice to any injustice. I am unsure where I got this idea but from a young age I felt to witness something wrong and do nothing made me a part of the problem.
Watching the news we can quickly become jaded and cynical with report after report of abuse, crime, violence and corruption. It seems bad news and celebrity nonsense is all we see but of course we know better, there are countless tales of kindness and goodness, people doing tireless work to help or care for others just usually quietly and behind the scenes. Nonetheless, it is difficult to know what to do and easy to be fooled into thinking that you cannot make a difference.

But what if you are the person that can change the world to be a better place?

I have news for you my friend, you are that person ...we all are in fact. The truth is most of our problems can only be solved by each individual making an effort to chose differently for themselves and their families. The huge social ills we face start with small roots that form in our minds, homes, schools and community.

The shift to change the world is not to be found in a herculean effort no one has the time or energy to create but in countless small shifts within each of us to be open minded, kind and compassionate.
How can you become more tolerant and respective?
How can you treat others with more compassion?
How can you reject a culture and media inundated with violence?
How can you model and lead compassionate responsible behavior to the children in your care?
How can you seek out roots of these problems in your own home and community and start there to make a difference now?

If each of us acted in a different way the world would be a different place. It is as simple and difficult as to be more patient and polite, act with kindness and concern, feed your mind with more good than bad, lend a hand. All this creates an energy that is contagious.

The truth is the longer we look outside ourselves for a solution the longer and larger our problems will be. We have each been equipped with the ability to do good or bad to be open or rejecting, we have free will. Humans have incredible minds to create destruction or beauty and limitless depths of compassion if we chose to open our hearts and see ourselves or our God in each other.
So while I think that prayer and faith can be powerful I believe it can lull us into looking elsewhere for a intervention that has already been sent. In christianity and most religion the mandates have been sent. You are equipped to change the world. How you live is crucial to the solution. Now what are you going to do about it?

Training for the 1K

I like to do a lot of athletic things but I am not and never have been an athlete.
 There are several reasons for this: I was not raised in a physical or sports environment, my family neither participated or watched sports. I was rather awkward and very self conscious growing up. In gym class I was not picked till last for a team with good reason which fed my insecurity.  I am not naturally coordinated and have to practice to learn physical activities. I am not competitive. Since I was not inherently good at these things or encouraged to cultivate this part of myself I became satisfied to stay on the sidelines. However, I understand the importance of physical activity as well as the value and satisfaction of organized sports. As I have gotten older and raised children that are athletic I always made the importance of physical activity part of a healthy family lifestyle, I have increasingly participated and enjoyed more athletic things as a result. However, I am still not an athlete.

This Spring I reluctantly agreed to run with my youngest daughter as she prepared for a 5 k. Despite the fact that I have been a regular gym goer for the past 20 years and look rather fit, I discovered I am in terrible shape.

Running has always been painful, even as a child I hated it and used my mild asthma as an excuse to avoid it in school as best I could. In retrospect the reason I could not run was simply that I was an out of shape kid that did not move enough. But what was this about now? I do 30 -45 minutes of cardio several times a week, hike, bike and enjoy various physical activities. I was frustrated by my inability and frankly a bit annoyed. I could not run more than a couple blocks.  I somehow forgot how to breath effectively, my legs, feet and back hurt. I kept thinking:" I hate running”, it became a mantra. But soon I decided the only thing I hated more than running was my inability to run. It seemed to me that any able bodied human ought to be able to run a mile with out feeling like they are going to die. It was just a basic skill I should have so I set out to acquire it.

I am not one to push myself physically so I just got into the habit of run/walking in my neighborhood on occasion, 1 or 2 times a week if weather and time allowed. After a few unpleasant times with no improvement I told my daughter I was giving up,  after all,  it did not matter if I could run a mile or not. She quickly corrected me and pointed out that it certainly did matter that I do what I set out to do and not give in just because it was hard. Don’t you hate it when they use your logic right back at you? And so began my training for a 1k. It has been fun to tell others of my 1k training as well, people are easily underwhelmed.

It is Labor Day and I have still not met my goal to comfortably run a mile but I have gained many insights. I have realized that I give up too quickly when I become uncomfortable. That I do not like to do things I am not good at. That I will stop short even when the end is in sight when I do not like how I feel.  That I am willing to scale back my expectations of myself and be okay with good enough.  These realizations came to me while running as did the connection to other areas of my life these concepts applied to. How did I stop short on other goals when it seemed hard or uncomfortable? What other things did I avoid doing because I was not as good at them? When did I make excuses? Where was I settling? I realized to learn to run I had to be okay with being uncomfortable, I had to learn to push myself and this was just not a strong suit for me which meant I really needed to do it both in running and in other areas of my life.

I have added running a mile comfortably to my to do list before I turn 50 next February. I am working on it slowly and have seen small improvements. I am able to run just a bit farther, breathe a bit more easily and recover a bit more rapidly. I appreciate now why people enjoy running, not only for the  physical release and exercise but also for the freedom and victory it offers. I have had moments where the pain of the concrete fades while I rise briefly but blissfully to a second of flight. I imagine the thrill it might be one day when the concrete disappears and the flying remains.

I am not an athlete. I do not plan to take flight at least not as a runner. But I am glad I have taken on what is such a seemingly small, simple goal and thankful for the insights it provides. Sometimes we think that what we need to achieve must be big and lofty to hold much reward or satisfaction but I think often times big lessons and insights are available to us in the things others take for granted. The brief moments of running with my head held high contain a promise of what can be reached if I push past the discomfort and just deal with the pain. Maybe the pain is necessary after all, just a part of the process to learn to do what I have been able to do all along if I am just willing to to stick with it. I know that I will run a mile soon and if I grow to like it I may even run beyond that goal, but more importantly I will learn in the process of this small task enough about myself to help me reach other goals as well.

You Are What You Seek

As long as I can remember I have been a seeker. Of knowledge, wisdom, truth and understanding. I have always wanted to know how things work, why we think and behave in certain ways, why life unfolds as it does. At the same time I searched fervently for the recipe to live well, be happy and successful while making a positive impact in the world. When I was young I was certain someone or something held the key and I thought that once I found that key it would unlock the world and open me to a life that was easier, happier and more fulfilling. Over the years I have devoted myself to religion, embraced and supported political and social ideals that seemed to make sense and disciplined myself to be a “good“ person. I have followed plenty of sets of rules to live by and even achieved some success and satisfaction. 

As time passed though I came to realize that the rules and prescriptions for life were in fact a limiter to actually living life. That so much of what we are told is really just an effort to control. Rules etched in stone to make things more predictable or safe. Constraints to tame self expression and passions that somehow frightened ourselves or others thus needing to be contained. Mandates handed down to keep the masses in line while largely ignored by the ones who wrote them. There is a certain comfort in following. The world is complex, life is difficult and down right scary at times, it makes sense that throughout history humans have been seekers looking outside themselves for direction on how to best navigate the course.

However, I have found as I get older that I need to know what is right less than what is possible. I do not recognize the existence or importance of one truth or a singular right path. I have left behind being a seeker of answers and have become a seeker of ideas instead. I am open and feel more free than I ever have leaving infinite room to find genuine self acceptance and appreciation for others and the world around me.

The downside of having a “right” way is that it necessitates a wrong way which then indicts us and others and ignites self rejection and separation.Throughout history this has been the tragic byproduct of looking outside ourselves arguably causing far more harm that good. After all, how can we hope to understand and embrace ourselves and the world more by adhering to a narrow path?

While I am still a seeker with an unquenchable thirst for new thoughts, ideas and experiences I have a strong ability to trust what I feel is right for me. I am grateful to know that what is right for me can and will change at any moment and that it is not likely or necessary that it is right for anyone else. 

I have learned the value of being quiet, to listen to what comes to me rather than to ask for what I want. I have tuned in to connect silently with nature and other people and felt the joy and wonder of those brief moments of oneness. I have discovered that the more connected I become to myself the more intricately tied I am to everyone and everything else.

It seems that in letting go of prescribed ways of living I have finally found a way of being that offers the peace, happiness and positive impact I have always been seeking.

I have few rules now and fewer answers to be sure. I will stumble and may come up short in many ways but I am ok with that because I realize now that what I truly seek is to be at peace with me enough to fully be all that I am and to truly accept and appreciate the world and others as they are that is the best impact I can hope to make.

How To Write Your Personal Mission Statement

A personal mission statement is a simple declaration of the values that ground you. It is why you are you. As such it helps support the reasons you do what you do. Tying your goals to your mission provides the motivation you need . Conversely, investing a lot of time or effort into something that goes against or does not support your mission will be dissatisfying if not disastrous.
Good mission statements are short, less than one paragraph. Clear and just feel right in your gut when you hit on it. It fuels you to grow and supports the goals and relationships you truly want.

How to write a mission statement:
Jot down your top values or principles: What matters most to you?
Consider what mark or impression you want to leave on life
What makes you happiest or sets you on fire?
When you think about the significant things you have done or want to do define WHY you want it
How do you want to be?
This is more about what you want to be rather than achieve but it will fuel the motivation to achieve things that align with it.

Once you get it and it feels good embrace it fully and live it largely.
Write it out and post it everywhere. Write it decoratively, take a photo and use as your screen saver or frame it. Be open to tweaking it as you change as well. Remember you are a work in progress while many of your core values remain constant in your life you are fluid and dynamic, changing beliefs, priorities and direction as you see fit.

My Example:

To embrace life fully and passionately. To experience and connect deeply with all that I can. To recognize and honor the divine beauty and value in everyone including myself and nurture and celebrate it always.

4 Keys To Get On Your Own Best Path

We all have perceptions and ideas that create our reality. These beliefs help us frame ourselves and the world, provide comfort as well as constraint. We can invest a lot of time and effort into learning the best way to think and live. Seeking to find truth in the words and writings of saints and sages. We can be convinced there is a true path out there for us or a specific handbook to follow to the good life, a way of earning our way to peace or bliss. We tend to look outside ourselves for answers others have found and hope in vain it will work for us.

pic by Joerg S 

At nearly fifty years old I can look back over what I have believed in my lifetime and see some vastly different ideology. I have been conservative, moderate and liberal . I have studied or practiced several religions and philosophies. I have adhered to structure and rules at times being very self-disciplined while at others I have chosen to be free spirited, flowing and open.

I like to think as I have grown I have questioned more while at the same time tuning in more clearly to my own sense of what is right for me. I care less for outer standards or mores and embrace what I intuitively know is right for me.

This ability to trust myself more and to set my own boundaries is born out of a sense of self acceptance I did not posses as a younger woman.

When we earn genuine self acceptance many of our beliefs and perceptions are no longer necessary. It matters less how you should be when you are okay with how you are. I use the word earn intentionally. Genuine self acceptance is a hard lesson for most of us, in many cases a life long struggle. Accepting all of who you are; the messy, complex, incredible beauty of all of the light and dark facets of our humanity is no easy task. But once you have, being is lighter and more free. The need to follow some prescription or mandate of how to behave or think falls away.  

Everything is ok. As we turn up the self acceptance and love we find we are infinitely more accepting and loving to others. We naturally do no harm. The respect we have for ourselves overflows and extends to other people, animals, nature. While we may drop the need for standards or rules set by others, we instinctively find our inner compass that guides us to honor ourselves and the world from a place of acceptance, respect, gratitude and celebration.

Acceptance leads us to our purpose and mission. I recognize the thing that has most stood in my way as well as that of my friends and clients through the years, has been the self. Fear is the dream killer of course, but fear is always self involved. Will I fail, be rejected, look bad, be the fool?  This intensely human and universal thinking that plagues us all to some degree seeps in through the cracks of our lack of genuine self acceptance. Genuine self acceptance does not define worth and value on outer standards like accomplishment, beauty or  power. The attachment to good outcomes or approval is greatly diminished, which effectively dials down fear. While I do not believe in complete self acceptance at all times, I do believe we can get very good at it and harness the freedom, peace and power that it provides. Shedding some of these fears and managing the rest through accepting  that any failure or short coming is also ok with us we are then able to pursue our goals more successfully, love with more intimacy and abandon, create with no constraint. We can discover our purpose and set forth boldly on our mission by steeping onto a path of our own making. 

Tune into yourself Pray, meditate, be silent, listen. Daily

Trust Yourself You now what you know. Drop the doubt. You got this. Pay attention to how you feel. Take your own advice.

Be True to Yourself Stop cheating on you. Keep your word to yourself. Do not let your best friend, ( you ) down anymore. Do what you promise. Take care of your body mind and soul and it will take care of you.

Lose Yourself You are infinitely valuable and important what you have to offer the world is needed now. You are a part of the world, stop hogging you to yourself and spread that good stuff around for Pete’s sake! Discover what you have to give and give yourself to it completely. Do not worry what others will think or how the world defines success. Make your own rules and rewrite them as often as necessary.

7 Keys to Freedom & Fulfillment

We are all searching for something. 

Some say that it is love. Others say it is happiness, meaning or purpose. Famous philosophers have been contemplating this for centuries. Frankl believed that man’s fundamental search is for meaning while Aristotle contends that our chief aim in life is happiness. Regardless of how we define what we are searching for, the first thing we need to begin to pursue it is freedom.

Freedom is essential on our path to fulfillment of whatever we seek. It affords us the liberty to desire, pursue and achieve what we want. Yet for some reason we seem to take this for granted. Particularly when you have a good deal of external freedom as we do living in the USA we often do not consider having a lack of it. But even with abundant personal freedom in our country there remains many constraints many of which we put upon ourselves. It is recognizing these constraints and overcoming them that will ultimately lead to our fulfillment and success.

What is freedom?

Freedom is the ability to fully express oneself in any and all fashion. It means to be without restraint or bindings, whether those are internal or external. The ability to be all of oneself and pursue ones desires. Sounds great right? 

It is key to understand the concepts of personal freedom and how to claim them so we will be successful in attaining all the rich rewards life has in store for us. Here, I define the 7 keys to personal freedom and fulfillment that will be useful for your path to success. 

The 7 Keys to Personal Freedom & Fulfillment: 

1. Know Yourself: Socrates said it thousands of years ago and it still is an elemental truth. Know who you are, what makes you tick, and turns you on. Be familiar with your own strengths and weaknesses and know how to use them to your advantage. Be aware of your top core values and live in alignment to them. Be very clear on what you most want most out of life and what you enjoy.
2. Confront your fears: We all have them! I’m not talking about the healthy fear that keeps you from running into traffic. Im talking about the fears that undermine our greatness and stop us from having the freedom, fun and fulfillment that we crave. They stop us from pursuing our biggest goals, living our wildest dreams and even loving fully. The thoughts we have telling us to hold back from life or love to protect ourselves from rejection and pain. These usually result in protecting us and also keeping us from ever getting close to what we most want. It is a paradox: protect self from pain by preventing any hope of real joy. As tough as it is fear is, the first hurdle is to identify the fear. Next overcome and destroy. What are your underlying thoughts? Can you identify what you work on avoiding or what worse case scenario in your mind keeps you from fully engaging? Push your comfort zones, neutralize exaggerated thoughts, and realize that you will survive whatever comes your way. 
3. Revise your core beliefs: Very often the things we believe about ourselves and the world are just plain wrong. You may even be surprised to find that the things you say you believe do not suit you or are just a result of habit of thought. Our beliefs shape our lives in powerful ways. We subconsciously go about proving our beliefs are correct through our actions and interactions with the world. For instance, if you believe people and the world are a overall good and positive, you will seek and find evidence of this on a daily basis. If you believe the opposite you will find plenty of evidence to support that viewpoint as well. Where do our ideas come from? Parents, culture, religion? Ask yourself honestly if they make sense to you. Are they accurate and true? How do you know? Finally, do they serve to make your life and the world better and more powerful or not? Adapt to 0-[pa set of beliefs that make sense to you that are within your value system and add to your life rather than restrict it. 
4. Write your own rules: Obviously we must live within the law, but we must also live authentically, this is freedom at it’s best. What holds us back? Analyze the statements that include ‘should’ and ‘shouldn’t’. Often we are adhering to outside standards, rules and pressure. Lighten up, let yourself be free to be who you are and live your own idea of a good life.  Revisit tip 3 reconsidering your beliefs and then make codes of conduct and expectations that honor yourself and others.
5. Reinforce your foundation: Doing all of these steps requires a strong sense of self-confidence and courage to stretch and grow. These qualities come from the core of your being. Take the time to recharge and strengthen yourself through nurturing and increasing your level of self-acceptance. Know that you came into this world worthy and valuable, as we all do. Know that your value is intrinsic. The stronger and more capable you feel fuels your sense of yourself and what you can do. Feed yourself by acknowledging all your good qualities, talents, and accomplishments as well as past struggles or traumas that you have survived. We rarely give ourselves credit and build on our positives. Instead we tend to harp on mistakes and failures however small as evidence against us that keep us down. Flip that habit around and your foundation will be strong and solid in no time.
6. Foster optimism: Having a positive attitude is just the beginning. Learn to think that things will ultimately work out for the best and that the world is a wondrous place. When we decide that things will not work out or will be difficult we give ourselves an excuse to fail and so we really do not try. Pessimism is self-defeating behavior. Optimism is a personality trait however it is also a choice and a self-fulfilling prophecy. Chose to look at the bright side and have an upbeat attitude. If necessary, fake it till you make it, it is contagious.
7. Practice, Practice Practice: New habits and behaviors take time to adopt. Do not be fooled into thinking it is easier to stay with the status quo. If you have read this far it is because you seek something. Allow yourself the room to be free to stretch and grow. Try on new thinking and give yourself room to stumble and fall. Partner with a friend or coach for encouragement, planning and accountability can help to foster change. 

Having the ability to allow yourself to be authentic, free and creatively explore is the primary step towards fulfilling the love, meaning and purpose you seek. In the end all that matters is what matters to you. You define what you seek and how it is fulfilled. 

Making the Most of the Weather

It took a while to get going, I wondered if it ever would, but finally here we are in the dead heat of Summer. Just days from August and Chicagoland finally has strung together some solid sunshine and sweltering heat. I say bring it on! I don’t know about you but I was downright
fussy with all the rain and cancelled plans. Weather is a great teacher of the need to make the best of what is available to us. There simply is nothing you can do about it. Alter plans, adjust attitudes, get creative.( Photo Mark Freeth)

This is often the case in other areas of life as well. As much as we like to think we are in control, can attract everything we want or change any situation with strong will power, good karma, a  healthy lifestyle and a big dose of optimism, we just cannot. Sometimes things are not under our control, expectations are wrong, promises broken. We become ill, we have a child with challenges, we lose a job, someone we love dies. Life is not predictable and it certainly is not fair but it is good and precious. 

As a life coach and natural die hard optimist I am a big believer in silver linings and new opportunities but I also acknowledge that part of life is painful and difficult. There will always be the catastrophic storms, rain and gray days. I often have to temper my instinct to minimize negative and difficult things. I tend to rush to find the good or the growth that is available if you look deeply or long enough. I have to remind myself thatall experience is part of a rich full life, to be patient and learn to be with whatever I am experiencing. It is even more challenging to allow someone I care for to traverse tough times and resist the urge to “ fix” or help them quickly get through their pain. It is hard to suffer but can be more difficult still to sit with someone you love who is suffering.

We are so trained that negative is so… well... negative. We will do anything to avoid pain or to deny it exists. We want prescriptions for all that ails us to fix it fast or dull it out. Medicine, alcohol, drugs, shopping, sex and so on. There is even a large contingent of folks that say nothing is negative, after all it is just our perception. This way of thinking tempted me several years back for a few minutes then I realized this also is denial and frankly just BS. Life outside ourselves is just like life inside ourselves, a wondrous mix of all things. In all of nature the negative and the positive work together. Opposite charges always coexist, to deny or avoid this fact causes imbalance and rejects life itself.

 Like the weather life is unpredictable, not under our control and not our fault. Life can change very quickly and even violently. The only thing we have any control over is ourselves; how we will make the best of what is available to us. Alter plans, adjust attitudes, get creative, this determines the quality of our lives.

There are many times in life that we should boldly stretch our arms open wide, grabbing hold tightly of all the beauty, never letting go of a single once of goodness. There are also times we must courageously stretch those same arms open, stand firm with our fingers spread wide as we allow what is happening to pass over and through us.

So now that we are in a stretch of good weather what shall we do about it? Open your arms wide, enjoy the sun, embrace life. Make the most of long hot days and shore up all the great times you can muster. Recharge yourself body, mind and soul. Bask in the sunshine of your own brilliance and burn a bit more brightly as a result.

Self Acceptance = Peace and Freedom

Self Acceptance is an understanding and  peace with who and how you are regardless of the approval or opinion of others. It is a quiet acknowledgment of your strengths and talents as well as your struggles and shortcomings as part of the complex and beautifully human package of who you truly are. All valuable, all critical to the totality of you. It does not mean you adore every one of those aspects or do not endeavor to change bad habits or grow. In fact, self acceptance fuels self growth and self esteem because we are able to keep moving forward once we are done holding ourselves back with fear, guilt or a desire to seek the approval of others.

I am totally independent of the good or bad opinion of others

I am beneath no one

I am perfectly capable to handle anything that comes my way.

Deepak Chopra

This mantra sums it up so well. You are you. You define your own worth and value. No one else has that power. All others will view and judge us through their own smeared lenses of personal agendas and insecurities. Some will try to control us, even with the best intention and it is easy to get caught up believing messages that just are not true. Learning that we are independent beings that can chose what we believe about ourselves and our lives gives us the freedom to find fulfillment as well as the ability to offer love and acceptance to others.

To find peace with ourselves we must be willing to let go of the need to have the approval of others. This is especially true of those closest to us. We typically suffer the most pain and struggle at the hands of family and lovers. It can be difficult to navigate a course that honors and loves others and ourselves at the same time. Most of what we are taught is to put others first, to sacrifice our own needs and desires so we do not act “selfish”. The lovely message to be caring and considerate of others does more to undermine our own happiness than we can imagine. The truth is one must find a way to honor their own needs as primary then chose to share and care freely with others next. Before we can really be true to anyone else we must learn to be true to ourselves.

Ultimately our lives are our own. We are on a singular journey that we may chose to share with others. Chose wisely those that help you head in the direction that uplifts and supports you. Understand that those that do not sometimes simply can not and have their own demons to conquer, let them. We tend to take far too many things personally and spend too much time as a result trying to conform or please someone else’s notion of us. We cannot reach nirvana chasing someone else’s dream. When we find self acceptance we worry less about how we are perceived and do not seek another’s approval to know that we are a -ok. We will always bask in the glow of admiration and feel good about a pat on the back but we can learn to let go of the pain that stops us in our tracks and crushes our spirit. Begin to be your own best counsel and trust yourself and your opinions on what is right for you. Sure, there will be times you are wrong, fall short or fail miserably, accept that too and let it feed your strength and independence as you keep on moving full steam ahead.

By shifting perspectives on our own ideas of human worth and empowering ourselves to define who and how we will live our lives things begin to take shape and head in the direction of our dreams with more freedom, fulfillment, happiness and success than we otherwise could have imagined. 

Julia Skeesick, CPC. CEO of LifeScape Strategies works with clients to define and create lives of their own design. She provides private and group coaching workshops seminars and retreats that support more freedom success balance and happiness in both our personal and professional lives, learn more

The How & Why of a Personal Manifesto

Manifestos are not strictly reserved for famous or super crazy people.  I think they are important for each of us to define for ourselves and the world who we are, what we believe and hold dear to us. I wrote mine 2 years ago as a blog post. It was interesting to revisit it. I have not wavered in what I stated at that time even though many things have changed since then. The manifesto goes beyond goals or whims and deals with the bigger picture of life,  how you view it and live it. It provides insight to our core being an what motivates us.
I am reposting this since it has been a long time and I am currently working on personal mission statements and manifestos with my WIne Women & Wisdom groups this week. I am encouraging them and you to write your own. 
What you think and believe matters. Take yourself seriously, consider where you stand on topics you think are important and value your own opinion. It does not have to be right for everyone,  just for you. Then use your manifesto as a guide to measure if you are living up to your own standards. You will enjoy much more peace and happiness when you are.

Personal Manifesto

Reprint from Oct 2013

 I was writing the other night on the subject of personal beliefs and how they influence and impact our daily lives yet we rarely truly consider them.  I stopped what I was working on and started writing a list of my own beliefs and have made a manifesto to contain them. I hope that I embody these beliefs, I hope to be remembered for them and I hope I will alter them when and if they need to be updated.

When was the last time you considered the beliefs that shape your values and views of the world?

If it has been a while rest assured you are in good company. I can safely assume that if you ask most people they do not have a ready list of their beliefs and likely not a written collection. Yet, I think it is a revealing and revolutionary exercise to invest in.

Most of us have underlying beliefs about ourselves and the world that we simply take for granted. They have always been there and we do not often think about them or if they are true and valid or where we even got the ideas in the first place.

Sometimes these beliefs are steadfast comforting guides, keys to our behavior that help us to navigate the world successfully.

But just as often these beliefs can undermine and limit us or our experience of life and cause us grief, guilt and suffering.

I encourage you to examine your own beliefs about who you are, how you live and what you think about others and the world. While you are doing this determine if these are true for you and if they serve to make you more or less happy and successful.

Give yourself the freedom and power to challenge your ideas and fully embrace what you believe to be true or let go of what you do not to make your own Manifesto.

I would love to see it!

I have included mine below

My Manifesto

• I believe that a core of real self acceptance and genuine confidence is the foundation of happiness and success.
• I believe the rampant lack of this is the root of most suffering, sadness, violence, dissatisfaction and mediocrity.
• I believe and embrace that all of life’s experiences are a valid opportunity to experience fully what is available to me. I also accept that it is perfectly ok that I am not always happy about that experience at the time it occurs but know I will eventually grow and become more because of it whether I like it or not.
• I believe life is good, but not only good things happen.
• I believe things that are difficult and horrific are part of life and not a result of bad karma, poor behavior or a failing on someone’s part.
• I believe that whatever happens in life is an opportunity to be more. That it often matters little the result or whether we win but how we showed up in the game
• I believe that sometimes bad things happen to good people and good things happen to bad people 
• I believe that we all get to define what is good or bad in our lives for ourselves.
• I believe everyone is created equal in worth and value yet completely unique.
• I believe that worth and value are intrinsic, not earned
• I believe humans are special in the world
• I believe and understand that we are not all given the same playing field or equipment to play with: that is life, it is not fair but it can be pretty damn good.
• I believe we all have the right to choose what we believe as well as how we want to think, behave and live and we should cherish and protect that freedom for all.
• I believe that with freedom comes responsibility first to ourselves and then to everyone else.
• I believe I am whole, complete and capable even when it appears or feels otherwise
• I believe that life is a treasure with more beauty and wonder than we can ever experience in just one lifetime but that we should give it a damn good shot.
• I believe more in using things up then in saving them
• I believe that less rules are better, at least for me.
• I believe the primary rule is do no harm
• I believe in living passionately and enjoying life as much as possible.
• I believe there is more than one true love and many soul mates, if you are open you may find one or two

Define who you are and what you believe in for for yourself. Be clear, then be honest if you are living in alignment to that. After all, who you are and how you live is up to you.  Take the time,  make the effort.  I believe you and your life is worth it.

Drop the F Bomb

Offensive… Explosive… Impactful… Powerful… Destructive. 

All of these words describe the real mother of all four letter words… FEAR.
It is insidious and pervasive seeping into our hearts and minds choking our confidence and strangling our hopes and dreams. We all have fear. It is part of our survival system designed to protect us, but while a healthy dose of caution does a body good, much of the time fear runs rampant and limits us from our greatest achievements and experiences. But if we can steel our courage and cultivate our most rock solid confidence we can learn to do battle and live and love victoriously.

Experts tell us that our biggest motivator to achieve our goals or try something new is emotion. Emotion is the fuel of our habits and behavior and all emotion can be categorized under either fear or love.

Fear is the opposite of love. Typically we believe the opposite of love is hate but hate is rooted in fear. Fear is anxious, jealous, closed, rejecting, limited, narrow and plays small.
Love is open, expansive, accepting, adventurous, bold and creative.

When you look at the emotion that fuels your behavior are you acting from a perspective of fear or love?

Awareness is a great place to start but do not stop there.  Use the steps outlined below to drop the F Bomb from your life and explode with the success and happiness you seek.

Step One Clarify

What do you most want and what stands in the way? Dig deep, get to the roots. We aren’t you moving forward? What might happen if you did? 

Step Two Confront

Most fear is irrational and dishonest, fight back. Is it true? What else is true and serves you better? Are you really in danger or just avoiding discomfort or embarrassment?

Step Three Courage

Cultivate courage by remembering who you really are and what you are made of. Past war stories arm todays battle. Recognize all that you have overcome, survived and achieved thus far, this is the hard evidence that you have everything you need already within you. Do not wait for fear to pass...it won’t, cultivate the courage to move forward despite fear, that is the definition of bravery.

Step Four Confidence

Genuine confidence based on self acceptance is the rock solid foundation we need to live with the freedom and authenticity to pursue what we most want. It allows us to share who we are and express and experience our lives fully. When we are truly confident we know we are capable to handle whatever comes our way. Genuine confidence is not simply false bravado or arrogance that loudly boasts that we can be and do it all, who can after all? Rather, it is the quiet knowledge that when we step forward boldly we can give it our all knowing that we will be ok whatever comes our way.

Know yourself. Trust yourself.  Be true to yourself. Chose love. Start with yourself.

Julia Skeesick CEO of LifeScape Strategies offers F- Bomb workshops to help you and your group explore and explode this dangerous topic info www.lifescapestrategies.com Find out more about private or group coaching workshops and retreats.