Embrace or Escape a Full Life

It occurred to me recently that every day we are presented with a multitude of decisions  that ultimately boil down to one of two simple choices: Embrace or Escape. I also realized that we chose whether we embrace or escape based on two emotions: Fear or Love. More importantly, we are rather uneven and predictable in what we chose and this limits our expression and experience of ourselves and our lives. 

This line of thinking was influenced no doubt by my recent exploration into Buddhist teachings particularly the work of Pema Chodron and her book When Things Fall Apart.

I have long held the belief that there is value in all our experiences and I try to embrace my life fully while encouraging others to do the same. But I began to wonder if I was embracing all of life or just living fully the good stuff and what that meant.

Choices. We are presented with so many every minute of every day. Certainly the choices we make shape our lives and can often be overwhelming. However, when you boil it down to the basic components and motivators things may become more clear.

In the largest sense we are faced with a decision in our lives to boldly embrace all the realities and opportunities or escape from many aspects of it and play it safe. It takes discipline to embrace all the experiences of life for that would include feeling all the pain and sorrow as fully as the joy and excitement, for most of us that does not sit well. In Buddhist teaching though the practice to embrace all of life is a worthy, valuable goal including the suffering that life contains. I agree, but it is not an easy or popular choice.

We tend to think suffering and pain are to be avoided at all cost and put a good deal of effort into doing so.

When I think of escaping and embracing I also think about those that chose to embrace and follow their dreams and goals. People who try new things and pursue a rich full life that is open minded and adventurous. People that embrace and accept all of who they are rather than rejecting or denying aspects of themselves. On the other hand, I consider escape to be the acts that tune us out such as alcohol or drugs, television or other activities that dull us or fill our time without really engaging us. To escape is simply the ways we deny, avoid, hold back or check out and we all have many methods to do this. It can be anything people use to avoid experience or being all that they are. For instance, my bad habit of over checking Facebook and email rather than write or work on a project is a method I use far too often to escape if only for a little while.

What informs these decisions also comes down to two things: Love and fear. So when we chose to embrace or escape we are motivated by one of these two emotions. We embrace life out of love. Love is expansive, positive, hopeful. We are open to people, experiences, information and to sharing of ourselves, risking boldly, feeling and living fully. Mostly this part comes easy to me. I have always loved to try new things, meet new people and learn about vast subjects. The older I get the more open I am to everything and the more I appreciate beauty in places I did not recognize it before.

Conversely, people chose to escape out of fear. It may be an attempt to protect ourselves from failure or suffering, to dull pain, pass the time safely, not be disappointed. We may just be in the habit of playing it safe in our routine because we never learned another way or have forgotten how we wanted to live, what we want to do or be. Many of us resist new experiences afraid we may not like it or reject people and things that are different, fearful of how they would impact our lives and beliefs.

In truth there are degrees of all of this and we each live a combination of embracing or escaping, loving or fearing every day.

I think it is vital to become aware of these basic components however so that we may make conscious choices that will shape the lives that we want. 

In my own life I realized I tend to rush through the negative stuff using optimism and problem solving to focus on changing things that are unpleasant or not working as fast as possible rather than embracing the pain or discomfort and sitting with it for a while. I tend to do this with others as well offering comfort and reassurance to help people move forward out of the dark places that are painful or hard more quickly and easily.  This is a common approach for most of us when we have difficult times; to buoy ourselves by looking for the bright side, and moving on. We pride ourselves on our resilience and ability to push on and try to help others do so quickly as well. Most of us are not comfortable with pain, our own or that of another so we recommend a drink, a prescription, stay busy, don’t dwell on it and so on. But I am beginning to think get over it and get on with it is not entirely the best way at least not immediately. I pride myself on being committed to living fully in many ways, so if that is true I must be willing to fully experience it all. Tough to do. But what might I miss as I hurry through? Is it fair that I pick and chose what I embrace fully and leave the hard stuff behind? Isn’t it the hard stuff in life that usually holds the most reward after all? I wonder...

How much time everyday am I escaping even in little ways, not being fully present, not really pursing what is important to me or showing up as my best self?

I want to examine this so that I can make the most of this precious life I have and squeeze out all the stuff that is available to me. As Socrates said, “ An unexamined life is not worth living”. 

Just for a day or two become aware of the times you embrace life fully; accepting the challenges, feeling the emotion, giving your all and when you escape by rushing through something, avoiding it completely, or filling time with non meaningful fluff or maybe even checking out with alcohol, drugs or addictions.

How do you endeavor to live? Would you like to be one that embraces life making decisions to be fully engaged out of a loving open perspective or are you willing to let life slide by carefully keeping yourself distracted by escaping emotion that is unpleasant, playing it safe and holding yourself back?

The components are simple; embrace, escape, love, fear but the implications and results  define who you are, the life you live, and the example you set. Chose wisely.

5 Ways to Reduce Stress and Increase Happiness Now

It seems stress levels are at an all-time high. I don't think you can make it through a day without someone lamenting their stress level or seeing an article or post regarding the issue. Despite the prevalence of information on the topic I think there remains a lack of understanding and action to improve the situation. Stress is the feeling we get when we feel we do not have the time, ability or resources to deal with tasks or a situation. It is also often used interchangeably with the feeling of anxiety and worry which feels similar but is not quite the same. It is important to recognize that stress has to do with our feelings or perceptions not the actual situation that elicits the response. Keeping this in mind we do best to become aware of the circumstances that provoke this response in us, cultivate skills to improve and adjust our attitudes to them and balance our lives in a healthy way so we are  prepared to handle things well. In our fast paced over stimulated lifestyle we can multitask the day away employing all kinds of systems and tools designed to make our lives easier and faster that at the same time turn up stress levels by encouraging us to always be attending to even more tasks and ever more input. We simply are on overload most of the time. Add to this a cultural value system that supports  unhealthy and unrealistic ideas of productivity and success and it is clear why many of us feel stressed, unhappy and exhausted much of the time. The good news is we can stop the madness by becoming more aware, making different choices and using simple tools that not only decrease our stress but increase our happiness.

1. Be true to you. Stop saying yes when you mean no. Start by examining your to do list and eliminating or delegating things that you do not want to do whenever possible. Evaluate the things you refer to as must do, should do, have to do. These terms are oppressive, they feel negative and make us feel out of control and a victim to life… not good. Get rid of the things that fall into these categories first or change your attitude towards them and use language such as I chose to, want to, or could do instead. 
2. Triple A: Accept, Adapt, Avoid We often think we have no choice which contributes to our stress considerably. We tolerate situations that need not be tolerated, we interact with people that are hurtful and negative, we struggle against reality that cannot be changed. The Serenity Prayer says it best; we will feel more peace as we learn to accept what cannot change, be creative and flexible with what we have to work with and avoid things that are unnecessary and do not serve us. Sometimes there are hard choices to make but applying the triple A approach will put you well on your way to less stress and more happiness.
3. Put the Oxygen Mask on Yourself First: There remains a self sacrificial attitude especially amongst women to do for everyone else at great personal cost. Some of us show love through doing and caring for others which is great as long as you care for yourself as well as you care for others. Love thy neighbor as thyself only works if you love thyself first after all. I am frequently guilty of this myself, putting of my meditation or workouts to squeeze in another task or fill the request of a friend or family member. We misunderstand that caring for the self is not the same as being selfish. Implement routines that recharge and renew, this will enable you to be your best for yourself and others, minimize resentment and keep you happy and healthy. Take the time to discover what works for you and schedule it in with as much or more priority as the things you do for others.
4. Have Fun Similar to number 3  we need to value fun in our lives. We tend to forget that happiness and fun balances work and stress perfectly. Imagine a teeter totter with stress and obligation on one side fun and happiness on the other, you must have a balanced mix to keep life steady and be mindful that when the balance shifts too much to one side you can quickly set it straight by adding to the other side. This is a tool I use with all of my clients working to achieve their goals; to include fun and leisure activities right in the goal set as a way to stay balanced, clear headed, feel good and enjoy the journey.
5. Take Action Make a Plan Now: Do not wait. Chose one small thing to add or subtract that causes stress in your life this week. Chose one small attitude shift that is more empowering towards a task that is required of you or a person you must deal with this week. Chose one fun activity and add it to your schedule this week. Chose one healthy habit better nutrition, exercise or relaxation this week. Tell me next week how you feel.

 Let's face it most of us know this stuff or at least have some ideas of things we could do that would make our lives easier, happier and more successful. Frankly, we often hold onto these habits and relish being a victim or fool ourselves into thinking we have no choice.  That is just not true. We must be honest with ourselves and be willing to actually be happier and less stressed. The real problem is believing that we can make the changes we want and choosing to make them on a consistent basis. They say knowledge is half the battle, it is;  the easier half. It takes a bit of mindful effort to to change attitudes, habits and routines until they become new habits attitudes and routines.. When we are stressed and unhappy we quickly fall into a rut of complaining, feeling lousy and resentful and we will find plenty of people to commiserate with that will reinforce this exhausting trend. We can chose instead to break this cycle, making some changes to decrease the stress and increase our happiness to enjoy life more and isn't that what it is all about anyway?

Sometimes you barely have to change anything to change everything

Making Dreams Reality

Dreams, wishes, hopes, bucket lists,  we all have them, what we want to be, achieve or experience.
As a coach I deal with this topic all the time of course helping people clarify what they want and then make plans to achieve it is kind of the meat and potatoes of my work. It is so satisfying to help someone go through the steps to define what they most want, develop plans, overcome the inevitable obstacles and make it happen.

However, it is often disconcerting how many of us have hopes, dreams and goals that we do not tend to or believe in consequently we treat them as "pipe dreams" and take no real steps to make them a reality. Many of us have great and exciting ideas for "someday" but no idea of how or when "someday" will happen.

Sometimes we do this because we have been told throughout our lives to be realistic, practical, responsible. We also have a culture that is largely negative and pessimistic, that values conformity, that loves to commiserate. Well intentioned friends and family often discourage the things that burn in our souls with the intention to protect us from failure or disappointment not realizing the lack of pursuing these things that mean the most to us means certain failure and disappointment of course.  Others that have let go of their own dreams discourage us as well out of their own bitter disappointment.

Many times we do not plan and pursue our hearts desire for logistical reasons most often a lack of resources. In truth though one can usually find a way with enough creativity, discipline and  effort to make almost anything possible.

We have many excuses internally and externally to not do what we want but primarily it is a choice based on several factors that in essence are clarity, belief, strategies action.

• Are you very clear on what you most want? 
• Do you believe you are capable and worthy to achieve or experience it?
• Have you made or are you willing to make solid plans with strategies to make it reality?
• How committed are you to taking the action required?

We all admire the folks we see that chose to live life on their own terms and follow their dreams. The banker that leaves it all behind to sail to the Caribbean, the folks that take sabbatical to serve others or to travel the world.

The 73 year old woman that completes the Boston Marathon, the single mom that hits it big baking cupcakes. I think we are drawn to them because we each have a piece of us that says, " I wish I could do that."

In actuality most of us can live this way, but there is a price to pay. We may let others down, we may fail, we may lose relationships , money, stuff, prestige, we may not even like what it is we seek once we achieve it. There is certain risk in pursuing your dreams and that is why most of us do not do it. It is difficult to change, to risk, to stray from the path others expect us to take. But what we fail to recognize is that there is more certain risk in not pursuing our dreams. Someday may not come, we will feel dissatisfied, we risk boredom, restlessness and the empty feeling we get when we know we have not reached our potential or been true to who we really are.

In the long run that is what is all about isn't it? Becoming all that you are, fulfilling what you are called to do, and living life fully. To do this we must ask ourselves what is most important and valuable to us individually and what we are really willing to risk.