Making America Great Again

This whole idea that we need to “Make America Great Again” is troubling. Not that we do not have room to grow in greatness, we certainly do. No, it’s the way this slogan is being used that is disturbing to me. It is code for “we need to make America white again, Christian again, English speaking again”. The key issues of the Republican platform are no longer the staples of small government, strong military, lower taxes and a balanced budget. They have morphed into a nationalist cry against immigration, specifically the terrorist Muslims and the criminal Mexicans. Build a wall, keep us safe from what we do not like or understand, make us look like we used to. These are the ideas a great number of Trump’s supporters longed for and that propelled his candidacy since the beginning. This sentiment rallies many who are uncomfortable with people not like themselves and are worried about the changes in the world around them. Change is scary. It is natural to resist the unknown and to cling to the familiar.  Fear is the root emotion of anger, and no one can deny the anger that boils in Trump and his followers.  He is a classic bully -- name calling, insulting, loud, and brash. For some, this is a quality they admire claiming that he says what all Americans want to but most of our Mothers taught us not to. For others like myself, this quality is the manifestation of everything that is not great in our country. 

Fortunately, he is not saying what all Americans want to. In fact, he is extremely unpopular even within his own party. He has splintered the party and left disparate groups unsure of how to coalesce for the future. Most agree the party is forever changed if not destroyed, and it remains to be seen if this upheaval may bring any good in the long run to a party that has struggled to resonate with a more diverse, modern and increasingly secular population. Lines are drawn between principled conservatives who refuse to support his brand of politics and behavior like respected conservative writer George Will or former presidents Bush. Loyal Republicans that want policy change that aligns to the true party platform but are desperate to win at all costs like Paul Ryan hold their noses to support the nominee and cross their fingers that he will work with them if he wins. The Tea Party and right wing are thrilled of course to have a leader who speaks to their issues including more guns, anti-abortion, anti-gay rights, and to stop the foreigners who are stealing our jobs and ruining our country. So many simply believe the rhetoric that America is in awful shape, Hillary is a criminal, and liberal politics are wrong or just plain evil. They buy it when he says, “I alone can fix it”.

I am unclear where the greatness is here. I think we have had many moments of greatness in this country. When we come together in crisis to care for each other and work together for solutions.  When we provide military or humanitarian aid to other countries in turmoil. When we lead the world by our model of personal freedom, diversity and inclusion. We have shown our greatness through innovation and excellence in everything from sports to science, and built our country on promises of equality and success through hard work. I think we were pretty great when we elected Barack Obama as the first African American president on his message of hope and peace. The whole world celebrated with us this beautiful symbol that our dark history of racism had evolved to this incredible milestone. You could physically feel the positive vibe in the air for months after the election. But what we are currently experiencing is a backlash to this historical event. Trump took center stage after Obama was elected, spreading lies about his background and accusing him of not even being an American, an idea baseless in fact. No other president in history has been accused of not being a citizen, no other forced to show a birth certificate. But even when he did so that did not stop the spread of lies meant to discredit him. Trump in recent months finally admitted that our president is a natural born American citizen. He did this for his own gain of course to tamp down some of his craziest ideas, but added in his statement that it was Hillary who started the whole thing anyway, which of course is untrue and so easily fact checked it bears no more mention here. The ugly truth is that there were (and are) many people who were not ready for a black president, many not comfortable with his foreign sounding name and Muslim father. His message and policy to be more inclusive and accepting of others threatened some who hold traditional and even isolationist ideals. Freedom to worship and marry who you see fit, a women’s right to chose does not sit well with some whose personal beliefs are strong and unyielding. His reluctance to categorize all Islam as evil and perpetuate the idea that a battle between good and evil exists between all Muslims and Christians. Some of his ideas are too open-minded for many, how radical to want to move toward understanding, tolerance and acceptance. It seems to me this is the evolution we are most in need of to be a great people and a great nation. To find acceptance on a personal level is the surest path to peace and happiness, but to do it on a national level would be nothing short of miraculous. Recent events show that we are clearly not ready for that kind of greatness. 

This slogan emblazoned on The Donald’s baseball cap is insulting in itself because what it stands for is all the things that make us not so great. The tendency to bully those who are weaker or different, the hot-headed rush to violence to settle disputes, the reality TV culture that makes up its own reality, the worship of wealth and materialism as a new family value, the entitlement of the elite, the fascination with celebrity, the blaming of others for all of our woes. It is deeply troubling to me to witness so many people support this ugliness. I have devoured information from many sources to examine what is happening.  I have read and listened to sources from multiple perspectives, conservative, liberal, spiritual, non-partisan, philosophical and psychological.  Human behavior has always fascinated me and as infuriating as all this can be I cannot learn enough. I understood who Donald Trump was and what he stood for long ago, and like many, was shocked to see him come this far. I was disturbed by how many see this but overlook or excuse his problems, or even worse, share his thinking. It troubles me so deeply to have a man so volatile and so completely unqualified this close to the presidency. Moreover, the voice he has given to fear and hatred is beginning to both legitimize it and empower it. At the same time it makes us all more callous and even tolerant of it. There are many complex reasons for all this: Erosion of the culture that accepts bad behavior and language that would never have been tolerated less than a generation ago. The information age, that I would argue should be renamed the misinformation age, a constant barrage of multi-media that allows any statement to become fact and the utter acceptance by so many of it as truth despite plentiful evidence to the contrary. The “breaking” news coverage of his outlandish campaign has created his popularity, programming of “news” shows that do little reporting and thrive on controversy and shock value to drive ratings. The 24/7 political coverage, a cover in itself of the issues that really face our nation, a convenient distraction to what really needs our attention. Finally, a climate that is more politically contentious and partisan than ever, in a country increasingly polarized to chose sides and toe the party line no matter the cost. There is little intellectual or even polite discourse to be found. Politics has become identity based and emotionally charged with neither the candidates nor most of the populace able to discuss ideas to find commonality or respectfully disagree.  

Republicans publicly vowed not to work with Obama when he came into office, and mostly they have not. This is not how it is meant to be and is not a service to our country. The two party system was brilliantly designed to provide balance between opposing views to find solid middle ground. That requires respect and the keen interest of the people employed by us to work together for the greater good. But our elected officials do not represent the majority or work for the people when they ignore or reject our choices. Increasingly neither party hears nor heeds the voices of their constituents leaving both sides of the aisle mired in the muck of scandal. Our government is crippled because it is no longer focused on solving problems for the good of the nation but in drawing lines in the sand and refusing to compromise. Self interest and power is the motivation and goal. This is what infuriates us. We are so weary of this three-ring circus we want something, someone, anyone to make it stop. For some that fury fuels their hope that a loud mouth, wild card, outsider could make a difference. Sadly the difference may be dangerous. 

I have always been invested and interested in politics. I was introduced at a young age by my Father. I grew up outside of Washington DC, the daughter of a WWII vet, EEOC lawyer and lifelong civil servant. I spent most of my life as a conservative Republican woman, even a ditto head for a while, though I hate to admit it. The party aligned with my strong Christian values and support of the military, but I slowly became more moderate, and on some issues even liberal.  I found myself becoming more open minded, accepting and compassionate. My black and white view of some issues softened to shades of gray as I matured and found my own insights and self-acceptance. I learned from my work both literally peering inside people’s bodies in diagnostic healthcare and through my clients sharing their hearts with me in my professional coaching practice that we are all the same and have far more in common than it may seem on the surface. I have been fortunate to form friendships with people of all the major religions and from most ethnicities and backgrounds so I know first hand that our hopes and dreams as well as our insecurities and fears are universal. At the same time I was expanding my views my party became more extreme and unyielding, attaching to particular issues like gun rights and choice with a vengeance that went beyond reason and logic. 

Some people do not understand my passion, my one-woman show downs, articles and Facebook battles, undoubtably I offend and alienate many. But at the core of my being fr as long as I remember I know that if one does not stand for what is right they are part of what is wrong. Furthermore, as a student of life and history I know that bad leaders do not come to power simply through the support of people who agree with them but by the inaction of those who do not. I believe that if we allow Trump to win the presidency we send a message to our country and the world that behavior, courtesy, truth, intelligence, experience does not matter and our election process will be forever changed if it already has not.

I believe that what we say and how we act matters. I believe that civility, consideration, compassion and kindness are basic traits we should teach our children, seek out in our friendships and demand from our leaders. I believe that we create an environment that is toxic and incendiary when we disregard these characteristics that set us apart from other mammals.

Like most people I am troubled not only by the candidacy of Donald Trump but by Hillary Clinton as well. I have never been a fan of hers, and frankly she has always largely been disliked for legitimate as well as trumped up reasons. I did not vote for her husband because of the clear evidence of inappropriate behavior before he was elected. Character counts. I did not care that he was smart and a charismatic leader. I did care about the intern, barely an adult, who he took advantage of and lied brazenly about. I remember during those times being in the minority, people teased me for being so old fashioned and out of touch. 

In truth, I still do not like Hillary Clinton. I had to open my mind and learn more about her to gain more confidence in her ability. Despite the Herculean efforts of the right and the media to discredit her, she is still a far more sensible choice, experienced, level-headed, intelligent. We simply cannot risk a wild card in our complex world who admittedly has little to no knowledge or real understanding of law, policy or the diverse population this country includes. I wish like most of us there was another choice, that we could go back and have a do-over, but we cannot. On the other hand, to not participate in the election by making the most responsible choice would be disrespectful of all those that fought for my right to vote throughout history and those that fight today to preserve it. 

How can we Make America Great without great choices for leaders? With politics so nasty and adversarial, what great leader will emerge to be viciously attacked in the future? We have many complex issues here and around the world that need attention and leadership. Maybe the most troubling part of the current atmosphere is that we are not discussing what really matters. We are not seeking solutions. We are allowing our focus to be skewed and our hearts hardened by immature antics, misinformation and letting a wedge be driven between us. Ultimately, it is up to us to make America great again, but first we must look at what greatness is and how we can foster it in ourselves, our families and our communities. It is up to us to hold our leaders accountable and in check, something we have not done for a long time. We have become complacent albeit resentful of corrupt and ineffective politicians but often continue to vote for them resigned to the notion that’s just the way it is. We have created this environment and the culture that these two candidates represent. In a government for the people and by the people it is the people themselves who are called to greatness. Now more than ever we all must choose to heed that call.

The Freedom of Love

Most of the time committed relationships get a bad rap. They are regarded as a loss of freedom and independence to the parties involved. Many people avoid them and are labeled “commitmentphobes”. Others cling to a false idea of self reliance and deny the need for others to make their lives complete or happy. This thinking is perpetuated by strong media and social messages that portray nagging or jealous spouses and partners telling each other white lies or having to ask permission of the other to do something fun. While all these scenarios may indeeed play out in relationships, many relationships are less than ideal and if these factors are present clearly need some tending to.

In reality, healthy relationships are liberating. They provide safe haven for us to fully be all that we are. Whether with close friends, family or lovers, they offer the freedom to drop our facades and get real. We can of course fully be ourselves independently, we can live our lives by our own values and standards if we chose. But humans require close connection and there is no better mirror into our own soul than the reflection of it in anothers eyes.  "No man is an island unto himself,"as Donne famously wrote. There simply are elements of life and of ourselves that can only be fully explored in partnership with someone we trust and connect with deeply.

The prevalent idea of strength and independence is highly valued in America. Needing another is weak, create your own happiness, stand on your own two feet, blaze your own trail and everything you need is within you, are ideas that may have some truth to them. I embrace self reliance and always have, partly because I came from a background with noone to rely on. I too have bought into this notion for many years and have had to overcome my own fears to fully reveal myself to experience the amazing power of this type of freedom. Codependent relationships abound and it is not pretty, it makes sense that we want to gaurd against that. But it is easy to think that shunning codependence and embracing independence excludes interdependence, which is the healthy way that two people support each other and grow more as individuals as a result. This becomes a playground of self discovery, understanding, compassion and joy. In my opinion, this connection is divine and a crucial part of our life purpose.

However, these relationships are rare. People are busy and self focused. We are becoming increasingly impatient and fixated on speed and ease, all things that do not foster intimacy. Relationships take time to develop and care to flourish. Healthy relationships require people that are healthy as individuals and have a high enough level of self acceptance to be able to offer it to another.  They also require risk. All of us have been rejected and hurt and none of us likes it one bit. It takes a good deal of courage to really put yourself out there and risk the pain of rejection. For many people that risk is too scary so they settle for far less or convince themselves they do not need anyone but secretly still yearn. That is a shame, because in doing so they limit the freedom they have to become all that they are.

When we do find one person or maybe a small band of people that provides these beautiful playgrounds for us we must recognize it and treasure it as the gift it is and be willing to set aside our fear and come out and play with all we’ve got. In truth you have nothing to lose. Realtionships do not have to be forever to be valuable. Even pain and loss offer insight and compassion. Look for the relationships that allow you to be seen and accepted as you are and allow you the rare privledge to do that for someone else I assure you you will be richly rewarded.

Reflect on the people in your life that have given the freedom of this sacred space to you and offer a moment of gratitude.

How can you cultivate more freedom to be deeply intimate in your current relationships?

To whom and how do you offer this to others?

What, if anything holds you back?

The Freedom of Love

Most of the time committed intimate relationships get a bad rap. They are regarded as a loss of freedom and independence to the parties involved. Many people avoid them and are labeled “commitmentphobes”, others cling to a false ideas of self reliance and deny the need for others to make their lives complete or happy. This thinking is perpetuated by strong media and social messages that portray nagging or jealous spouses and partners telling each other white lies or having to ask permission of the other to do something fun. While all these scenarios may indeeed play out in relationships, many relationships are less than ideal and if these factors are present clearly need some tending to.

In reality, healthy relationships are liberating. They provide safe haven for us to fully be all that we are. Whether with close friends, family or lovers, they offer the freedom to drop our facades and get real. We can of course fully be ourselves independently, we can live our lives by our own values and standards if we chose. But humans require close connection and there is no better mirror into our own soul than the reflection in anothers eyes that is seeing it.  "No man is an island unto himself,"as Donne famously wrote. There simply are elements of life and of ourselves that can only be fully explored in partnership with someone we trust and connect with deeply.

The prevalent idea of strength and independence is highly valued in America. Needing another is weak, create your own happiness, stand on your own two feet, blaze your own trail and everything you need is within you, are ideas that have some truth to them. I embrace self reliance and always have, partly because I came from a background with no one to rely on. I too have bought into this notion for many years and have had to overcome my own fears to fully reveal myself to experience the amazing power of this type of freedom. Codependent relationships abound and it is not pretty, it makes sense that we want to gaurd against that. But it is easy to think that shunning codependence and embracing independence excludes interdependence, which is the healthy way that two people support each other and grow more as individuals as a result. This becomes a playground of self discovery, understanding compassion and joy. In my opinion, this connection is divine and a crucial part of our life purpose.

However, these relationships are rare. People are busy and self focused. We are becoming increasingly impatient and fixated on speed and ease, all things that do not foster intimacy. Relationships take time to develop and care to flourish. Healthy relationships require people that are healthy as individuals and have high enough self acceptance to be able to offer it to another.  They also require risk. All of us have been rejected and hurt and none of us likes it one bit. It takes a good deal of courage to really put yourself out there and risk the pain of rejection. For many people that risk is too scary so they settle for far less or convince themselves they do not need anyone but secretly still yearn. That is a shame, because in doing so they limit the freedom they have to become all that they are.

When we do find one person or maybe a small band of people that provides these beautiful playgrounds for us we must recognize it and treasure it as the gift it is and be willing to set aside our fear and come out and play with all we’ve got. In truth you have nothing to lose. Realtionships do not have to be forever to be valuable. Even pain and loss offer insight and compassion. Look for the relationships that allow you to be seen and accepted as you are and allow you the rare privledge to do that for someone else
you will be richly rewarded.

Reflect on the people in your life that have given the freedom of this sacred space to you and offer a moment of gratitude.

How can you cultivate more freedom to be deeply intimate in your current relationships?

To whom and how do you offer this to others?

What, if anything holds you back?

The Freedom of Love

Most of the time committed intimate relationships get a bad rap. They are regarded as a loss of freedom and independence to the parties involved. Many people avoid them and are labeled “commitmentphobes”, others cling to a false ideas of self reliance and deny the need for others to make their lives complete or happy. This thinking is perpetuated by strong media and social messages that portray nagging or jealous spouses and partners telling each other white lies or having to ask permission of the other to do something fun. While all these scenarios may indeeed play out in relationships, many relationships are less than ideal and if these factors are present clearly need some tending to.

In reality, healthy relationships are liberating. They provide safe haven for us to fully be all that we are. Whether with close friends, family or lovers, they offer the freedom to drop our facades and get real. We can of course fully be ourselves independently, we can live our lives by our own values and standards if we chose. But humans require close connection and there is no better mirror into our own soul than the reflection in anothers eyes that is seeing it.  "No man is an island unto himself,"as Donne famously wrote. There simply are elements of life and of ourselves that can only be fully explored in partnership with someone we trust and connect with deeply.

The prevalent idea of strength and independence is highly valued in America. Needing another is weak, create your own happiness, stand on your own two feet, blaze your own trail and everything you need is within you, are ideas that have some truth to them. I embrace self reliance and always have, partly because I came from a background with no one to rely on. I too have bought into this notion for many years and have had to overcome my own fears to fully reveal myself to experience the amazing power of this type of freedom. Codependent relationships abound and it is not pretty, it makes sense that we want to gaurd against that. But it is easy to think that shunning codependence and embracing independence excludes interdependence, which is the healthy way that two people support each other and grow more as individuals as a result. This becomes a playground of self discovery, understanding compassion and joy. In my opinion, this connection is divine and a crucial part of our life purpose.

However, these relationships are rare. People are busy and self focused. We are becoming increasingly impatient and fixated on speed and ease, all things that do not foster intimacy. Relationships take time to develop and care to flourish. Healthy relationships require people that are healthy as individuals and have high enough self acceptance to be able to offer it to another.  They also require risk. All of us have been rejected and hurt and none of us likes it one bit. It takes a good deal of courage to really put yourself out there and risk the pain of rejection. For many people that risk is too scary so they settle for far less or convince themselves they do not need anyone but secretly still yearn. That is a shame, because in doing so they limit the freedom they have to become all that they are.

When we do find one person or maybe a small band of people that provides these beautiful playgrounds for us we must recognize it and treasure it as the gift it is and be willing to set aside our fear and come out and play with all we’ve got. In truth you have nothing to lose. Realtionships do not have to be forever to be valuable. Even pain and loss offer insight and compassion. Look for the relationships that allow you to be seen and accepted as you are and allow you the rare privledge to do that for someone else
you will be richly rewarded.

Reflect on the people in your life that have given the freedom of this sacred space to you and offer a moment of gratitude.

How can you cultivate more freedom to be deeply intimate in your current relationships?

To whom and how do you offer this to others?

What, if anything holds you back?

The Freedom of Love

Most of the time committed intimate relationships get a bad rap. They are regarded as a loss of freedom and independence to the parties involved. Many people avoid them and are labeled “commitmentphobes”, others cling to a false ideas of self reliance and deny the need for others to make their lives complete or happy. This thinking is perpetuated by strong media and social messages that portray nagging or jealous spouses and partners telling each other white lies or having to ask permission of the other to do something fun. While all these scenarios may indeeed play out in relationships, many relationships are less than ideal and if these factors are present clearly need some tending to.

In reality, healthy relationships are liberating. They provide safe haven for us to fully be all that we are. Whether with close friends, family or lovers, they offer the freedom to drop our facades and get real. We can of course fully be ourselves independently, we can live our lives by our own values and standards if we chose. But humans require close connection and there is no better mirror into our own soul than the reflection in anothers eyes that is seeing it.  "No man is an island unto himself,"as Donne famously wrote. There simply are elements of life and of ourselves that can only be fully explored in partnership with someone we trust and connect with deeply.

The prevalent idea of strength and independence is highly valued in America. Needing another is weak, create your own happiness, stand on your own two feet, blaze your own trail and everything you need is within you, are ideas that have some truth to them. I embrace self reliance and always have, partly because I came from a background with no one to rely on. I too have bought into this notion for many years and have had to overcome my own fears to fully reveal myself to experience the amazing power of this type of freedom. Codependent relationships abound and it is not pretty, it makes sense that we want to gaurd against that. But it is easy to think that shunning codependence and embracing independence excludes interdependence, which is the healthy way that two people support each other and grow more as individuals as a result. This becomes a playground of self discovery, understanding compassion and joy. In my opinion, this connection is divine and a crucial part of our life purpose.

However, these relationships are rare. People are busy and self focused. We are becoming increasingly impatient and fixated on speed and ease, all things that do not foster intimacy. Relationships take time to develop and care to flourish. Healthy relationships require people that are healthy as individuals and have high enough self acceptance to be able to offer it to another.  They also require risk. All of us have been rejected and hurt and none of us likes it one bit. It takes a good deal of courage to really put yourself out there and risk the pain of rejection. For many people that risk is too scary so they settle for far less or convince themselves they do not need anyone but secretly still yearn. That is a shame, because in doing so they limit the freedom they have to become all that they are.

When we do find one person or maybe a small band of people that provides these beautiful playgrounds for us we must recognize it and treasure it as the gift it is and be willing to set aside our fear and come out and play with all we’ve got. In truth you have nothing to lose. Realtionships do not have to be forever to be valuable. Even pain and loss offer insight and compassion. Look for the relationships that allow you to be seen and accepted as you are and allow you the rare privledge to do that for someone else
you will be richly rewarded.

Reflect on the people in your life that have given the freedom of this sacred space to you and offer a moment of gratitude.

How can you cultivate more freedom to be deeply intimate in your current relationships?

To whom and how do you offer this to others?

What, if anything holds you back?

Smooth Sailing

Don’t you love it when you have everything all figured out and life is just smooth sailing? Isn’t it great when you finally have all the time you need to do those things you most want to do? How wonderful is it to not have to worry about money anymore and finally have that nest egg put away and plenty of cash on hand for anything you may want or need? Isn’t it grand to have peace of mind, to be healthy and fit, and not have a care in the world. And how lovely it is to have found the perfect partner to share it all with. Damn life is good!

For some that are very fortunate there may be brief times like these however, life simply is not like this nor is it suppossed to be. It is the nature of life to present us with a series of negative and positive experiences. No matter how good you are, how hard you pray, how skilled you are at manifesting what you want; life has challenges and sometimes they are tough.

It is tempting to buy into the notion that there will be a magical time like I described above where everything is A-Ok. Often we wait for those times to come to take advantage of the "right time". This can lead to putting off things we really want thinking our time will come later. Sadly, that is not always the case.
That is not to say that our lives never get better, in some ways they do in and in others they may not. But hopefully we get better at living as time passes so life seems easier even if in reality life is not all that different, we become different.

The nature of all things is to have a negative and a positve charge. It is the flow of energy to fluctuate between two oppositely charged poles. A simple battery is useless without both a negative and positive end. Just try cutting of the negative pole and see how much power you get. This is how everyhting in nature works to stay balanced pulling from both the negative and the positive provides energy.

But it is also natural to want to disperse with the negative and hard stuff to focus only on the positive and good. We fool ourselves into thinking we can create all good all the time and just be happy. Certainly, I believe we can choose to be happy but happiness does not mean constant bliss. I think we can and should choose our responses to circumstances and take a positve approach to the challenges that come our way. But I also believe that in struggle we find strength. In the negative experiences of our lives we develop insight and understanding. That our darkest hours are the best teachers of compassion both for ourselves and others and that while we all like to share laughter and joy it is sorrow that can truly unite us.

Sure, we all like the periods of time when things work well but during these times we can become smug and think we have it all figured out. We could subscribe to the popular teaching that we create and choose everything or that nothing that happens is bad or negative. That we are the center of the universe and are in control of all we experience. We may think that all the great stuff that happens is because we deserve it or have earned it and when everything falls apart it must be because we have failed in some way. I could never buy into all of that thinking for more reasons than I will get into here. Suffice to say that this type of thinking leads to judging and blaming. Mostly of ourselves for doing or being something wrong when life does not go our way. It leaves us with a needless sense of guilt or shame and undue responsibility for anything that goes awry. This type of thinking also undermines our ability to understand the plight of others and fosters finger pointing and blame. This makes no sense to me and just causes additional suffering and separation for everyone.

Instead, I subscribe to the idea of acceptance. Accept that life will bring you an abundant mixture of positive and negative, it will not always be what or when you want it. Accept that not everything and almost nothing is under your control and as such is probably not your fault. Understand that you do not have to try to earn your way to a perfect life by behaving in a certain way or that attaining a level of holiness or enlightenment will protect you from all evil. Recognize that you will enjoy many things that will add to your experience of life and that you will also suffer many things that will deepen your experience of life as well. Know that you will not want everything that comes your way, take it anyway and let it shape you. Accept all of who you are, trust that you are enough and know you are always becoming more.
 

Mentor’s & Tormentors

I was inspired to write this after attending a women’s luncheon yesterday that featured Aurora Police Chief Kristen Ziman as one of several great female speakers. She spoke briefly about mentors and tormentors and made the comment that "if you can turn criticism into fuel you will never run out of energy”. I thought this was very insightful and inspirational. 

We all cherish the people that support us, if we are lucky enough to have a few. But we do not see much value in those that criticise us. They are the downers and killers of our dreams. We understandably don’t like them much and may try to avoid them. But when we chose to react to the feedback they give us well they can play a vital role in helping us achieve our goals.

Too often we are shot down by the opinion of others. Sometimes we do not even get started in a direction because we presume that others will judge our efforts poorly before they even do. We can believe what others say about us and allow them to limit how we view ourselves and our capabilities. For some, it is easier to believe the negative things others say about us more than the positive. We all know that the barb of criticism can sting longer than the glow of compliment shines. We do not want to look foolish, seem stupid or to fail, so we hold back. We all fall prey to this at times, we all suffer self doubt and seek approval to some extent. 

But for those that want to achieve our hearts desire, those that dare to dream an uncommon dream, create something exceptional or break through a barrier we must find a way as Kristen says to turn criticism into fuel.

My first professional job at the age of 18 was car salesman, you will notice the suffix, man. Back in the early 1980’s in my area there simply was no saleswomen or even the term salespeople at all. In fact, I landed this job while car shopping. After visiting many dealers I finally asked one why there were no women selling cars. He replied that none had ever applied, so I did and got the job. I really had no burning desire for that job but I learned a great deal and moved quickly into finance where I was the again the only woman and the youngest in that type of role. There were many challenges and complexities to this very male dominated field that honestly I was not well equipped for at that young age. But this was one of many times in my life that seeing a challenge or being presented with something I was not expected to do inspired me to do it anyway, and I am glad I did.

I think it is crucial to have supportive people in your life. I am a professional coach and focus my practice on providing positive support and encouragement. I help people overcome limits and break free of the fear of what others may think to follow their own path and reach the goals they most believe in. I advise my cliens to minimize negative people and to increase their exposure to folks that support them. Maybe I need to add more ideas on listening to these critics and looking for ways to be inspired to prove them wrong. 

Some of us are more motivated by pain than pleasure. To avoid something bad rather than create something good may get us moving. For some, being told what they cannot do may be more fuel than hearing how wonderful their idea is and how sucessful they will certainly be. I suspect most of us are fueled by some of both in different circumstances but knowing what will energize and inspire you is key to reaching your goals.

Take a moment to reflect on who has played the roles of mentor or tormentor in your life, which ones have supplied the most fuel?

How can you find ways to create more fuel in your life through positive support and/or adversity and tough challenge?

Julia Skeesick, CPC LifeScape Strategies www.lifescapestrategies.com 630.664.9740

DARE to Live a Passionate Life

Passion is defined as powerful or compelling emotion regarding people or things. Typically we say someone is passionate about life when they feel and live it deeply and fully. What does this term mean to you?

Most people admire others they consider to be passionate and even if secretly would like to be more so themselves. Why is that?

Maybe it is because when it gets right down to it it is emotion that makes life meaningful and more exciting. Even negative emotions, while unpleasant stir the soul.

How does one become passionate and what stands in the way of more passion?

First, deeply feeling emotion is likely part of personality, possibly in your DNA to some degree. That may be why certain families and ethnicities carry some generalities. But it is also heavily influenced by environment, beginning with how your family modeled and displayed emotion. We are programmed to repeat behaviors that are reinforced and learn quickly to curtail ones that are met with disapproval. Many of us learn to suppress emotion or at least to dampen it, to not draw too much attention or risk rejection and harsh judgement. Culture too plays a role, some things are less acceptable to express. In the United States there are limits on sadness for instance and we are quick to think it needs to be cured even when it is an appropriate response, such as to a loss. Feeling things deeply means all things good and bad of course. As with everything, there are many factors that effect what, how deeply and how we share our feelings.

But a passionate life eludes to more than just expressing emotion. It is about jumping in deeper with more variety of experiences, enthusiasm and vigor. We may picture a bohemian artist vividly pursuing their art, dressed flamboyantly and living in a picturesque town swept up in a romantic love affair. At least I do. It does not have to be quite that dramatic of course.Think of small children, they are great at living with passion. Delving in head first, engaging their limitless imaginations, throwing caution to the wind and just having fun and when the fun stops or the pain starts wailing with complete abandon their dissatisfaction. Children do not hesitate to feel all the good and the bad and typically do not filter it, at least not right away. You were that child once...remember?

Living a passionate life simply is a life that includes activities and people you feel deeply about. Doing things that matter to you, playing all out, allowing yourself to fully experience and express how you feel and who you truly are.

Why don’t more of us live this type of life?

I think we get caught up in our daily life and habits which let’s face it become boring and routine. We grow up, get jobs and buy into thinking there is not much time left for play. 

We have important things to do, responsibilities after all, no time for nonsense. The things we may really enjoy do not always pay the bills and get pushed aside and sometimes completely forgotten. 

More importantly, we are conditioned for acceptance. When we feel deeply and express fully we risk the pain of being rejected and ridiculed. We have all felt that sting. Most of us have played all out at least once and did not feel we won that game so are not so willing to play that way again.

As an adult it takes boldness and daring to live with passion, it is a conscious choice to do so. At first it requires effort and may even be scary, but the reward far outweighs the risk. I don’t know about you but I do not want to live my life swathed in bubble wrap so as not to break or damage anything on my way to the pearly gates. I would rather participate than protect myself from life and get to the end with a  lot of great stories to tell and maybe a few battle scars. If that sounds inviting to you here are some simple steps to get you started if you dare...

D Discover what turns you on, excites you,when do you get in the zone and fully engaged? Remember best times or hobbies you loved and catalog all the things you have really enjoyed doing in your life time. You can also list the traits you most adore in others and the types of relationships and activities that suit you best. What causes stir your soul or make your blood boil? Pay more attention to how you feel and if you are sharing your feelings with others freely.

A Action begin to actually do more of these or similar activities. Start telling people what you believe and think about things that matter to you. Find others that share your ideas, join a group or effort that does something you think is meaningful. Kiss just a little deeper, embrace just a little longer, be more playful do or say something you feel but would normally keep to yourself.

R Be Relentless in your pursuit of what feels good and right to you. It may not work right away, you may have a few false starts along the way. This is all trial and error, treat your life like an experiment and you will undoubtedly have a rich and meaningful experience.

E Enjoy! Have fun allow yourself to play again sometimes and get messy. All the skinned knees of your childhood healed without too much of a trace so too will and scrapes you may endure now. Above all do not wait. The time to live with passion is now.

The Down Side of Optimism

We all think being optimistic is a wonderful thing and for the most part it is.Optimism is a top quality we seek out in employees, lovers and friends. There are literally thousands of books about the power of a positive attitude and how to cultivate more of one. In fact, I have actually written quite a few articles and given many presentations on the subject of optimism. So what could possibly be the downside of a trait so sought after?

Optimists, such as myself, are typically inclined to believe that things will work out well regardless of circumstance. This is the mainstay of thinking for cup -is- half -full folks. Overall, this thinking feels better and serves to motivate the necessary action to make the best of any situation. This is what we all want more of but it can also breed long range trouble. As a life long optimist I recognize that at times my rose colored glasses viewpoint can be rather annoying,  it is also contagious and is a quality people close to me enjoy. The real issue is how it affects judgement. Reflecting on my life I can see where my belief that everything will work out for the best has often led me astray. Recently, I was speaking to a good friend, who may even be a few degrees brighter than me and she agreed that in retrospect optimism entices us to jump in with little concern for outcome and therein lies the problem. When you are an optimist you believe everything will work out for the best so on occasion you get into things without fully investigating the drawbacks. You do not want to listen to naysayers and write off warning signs as negativity. You are so sure you can make everything work you expel loads of energy looking for and cultivating the good. You may also stick with things or people much longer than is wise searching for silver linings and satisfying yourself with the bright spots in otherwise dim situations. My friend and I discussed how this quality did not always serve us well in our marriages, choosing less than ideal mates and not heeding the red flags since we knew everything would work out for the best. This same scenario plays out in career and other choices as optimism can blend with impulsiveness and prevent us from seeing long term consequences clearly.

Of course being a pessimist is no day in the park either. Many pessimists are so overcome with the certainty something cannot possibly work that they are reticent to even try. The have a ready list of everything that can go wrong, are often overheard complaining and as a result tend to have low mood and are not typically the life of the party. Pessimism is not a sought after trait in our culture and maybe for good reason, but they do tend to weigh things carefully and see warning signs more clearly which certainly does pay off many times.

I have heard there are also realists out there but I think they are a minority.  Most self proclaimed realists I meet are just stubborn pessimists convinced this "is just the way it is” and it is not all that good. In reality life is a beautiful mix of good and bad , but it is our viewpoint that makes the difference.

Most of us fall on one side or the other most of the time, hence the question half full or half empty. Some people contend there are no mistakes and that everything happens for a reason, kind of absolves responsibility. I would argue that sometimes the reason things happen is due to the choice we made that got us there to begin with. In large part the quality of our lives is a product of our choices and these are heavily influenced by our beliefs and attitudes. So while I still believe optimism leads to more happiness, less stress and is an attractive quality for lovers, coworkers and friends it does come with a cost in regard to making long range decisions.

But of course I think this cost is worth it. It is crucial to know that while you may make the best of any situation some situations are inherently better than others. I am optimistic we can learn to recognize the downside of our habit to jump in without looking at all the facts or long range implications and be more realistic in our expectations. I also think we can become pragmatic and invest our positive energy more wisely. Creating a balanced sensible approach to life does not require we become more negative just that we look at everything more carefully and choose the best for ourselves rather than always working so hard to make everything the best.

An Uncommon Life

"If one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours." Henry David Thoreau

I have always loved Thoreau and this quote especially. It has a grandeur and elegant inspiration to it. But there is more in this beautiful short prose than you may notice at first glance. It is an actual prescription for achieving an extraordinary life.

 Advances: Takes forward action

Confidently: With solid belief

Endeavor: Make effort, work

Imagined: Thought- out creatively

Success: Achieve

Unexpected in common hours: Beyond what you may think you can attain or is typical for the average joe, Extraordinary.

I believe we all have dreams. That we all have a life we imagine we would like to be living. Unfortunately, I believe that most of us do not meet with a success unexpected or uncommon. I further believe it is because most of us do not do the part that comes in the middle of this passage. The confidence and effort toward the dream is the crucial piece that is missing for most folks. At times this certainly includes me. Like everyone I have a bevy of dreams, a list of grand ideas long forgotten or collecting dust in a discarded notebook. Countless times I have gotten really excited about a business program or idea, a project or a class I wanted to take only to allow inaction to dampen the flame of my enthusiasm. All things pass. That can be a double edged sword. Helpful when we allow the sadness of life to diminish over time and sad when we let the excitement of life do the same.

Inaction is a killer but so too is lacking the confidence or belief in yourself and your ability to achieve what you are after. Doubt plagues us all at times. Another favorite quote addresses that well. 

“ There is nothing capricious in nature and the implanting of a desire indicates that its gratification is in the constitution of the creature that feels it”
Ralph Waldo Emerson

 Capricious:Unpredictable, impulsive

Gratification: Achievement

Constitution: What you are made of.

Basically, if you are feeling a strong call or have a burning desire you have the ability to fulfill it or you would just not have the idea in the first place. You may need to gather resources, work hard, enlist help and so on but it’s doable according to Ralph. You just have to chose to go Thoreau on it.

The truth is most of us exist day to day in a blur of rushed activities so often repeated we spend most of our time on auto pilot. We crave something more but cannot quite identify what we are after. We seek meaning and fulfillment in passive things lacking any meaning and offering no fulfillment like television, alcohol, financial gain or material objects. We are reticent to express our authentic selves afraid to look foolish or be rejected. We often avoid something new fearful we won’t like the experience or will fail in our efforts.  This is human and so is the disappointment and dissatisfaction that is expected and experienced in the common hour.

To live an extraordinary life is to discover the poetry and beauty within and around you. To be bold and follow the stirrings of your soul. To risk yourself and deeply experience the rewards and the disappointments life has in store for you when you do. I do not believe it is magic to be sure. There is no formula for success in every endeavor. I think what Emerson and Thoreau meant was that it is in the pursuit of living the life we imagine and following our deepest desires that we succeed in living our dreams. 

I think that is an old concept our Founding Father’s embraced as well.

“...the pursuit of happiness” is our right not the guarantee of endless hours of bliss. You may recognize that one. We enjoy the right in our country to pursue our own happiness.Too often we narrowly define success as only the end result of a goal and negate the incredible journey and pleasure of the effort to work toward it. I think Emerson and Thoreau offer good advice in honing in on dreams and desires as guides to the happiness we pursue.

Living a life advancing confidently in the direction of your dreams, heeding the call of your deepest desires, finding joy in the pursuit, this is a formula for an extraordinary life.

Julia Skeesick is passionate about living life fully with meaning and success and helping others to do the same. Call or visit her site for more resources to get you confidently headed in the direction of your dreams.

630.664.9740   www.lifescapestrategies.com