7 Simple Strategies for a Happy New Year

1. Know what you  want and why. Be crystal clear on what you want to achieve as well as what you want to gain from it. Be sure what you are seeking will actually provide what you are after.
2.  Make it your own goal not what you think you should do and certainly not what someone else thinks you should do. 
3. Connect to the feeling you will have when you attain it. This provides motivation. We may think we want things but what really turns us on and gets us moving is how things make us feel.
4. Write your goals. Pick no more than 3 and be very specific about what it is and when you will achieve it.. For example; lose 10 pounds is a good written goal but it becomes actionable and attainable when you add a time frame.
5. Each written goal needs at least 3 action steps that you are able to take and specify when you will start taking them. For instance; exercise more becomes join gym in January, take 6pm spin class Mondays, yoga class on Thursday at 4 pm free weights on the weekend.
6. Be realistic and patient. You are human and we all stumble. Do not expect to be perfect and never use a slip up as an excuse to give up. No matter how many times you slip and fall you do not fail until you chose not to get up and keep going.
7. Have trust and faith in yourself. So many times we set a goal with an underlying belief we will never attain it. We may even say it out loud as we frame everything with the cop- out phrase I will try.  We recall the handful of times we missed the mark in our lives far more easily than all the times we knocked it out of the park and this serves to undermine our goals moving forward. Build on all you have already achieved and believe in your ability to do what you set out to do. This is the biggest reason we do not have the success and happiness we seek, we do not believe we can achieve it so do not give ourselves fully to the things that matter most. If this sounds familiar changing this thinking is a great place to start.

The Promise of Christmas

I love holidays, all of them really, but the biggie, the one with a whole season of over a month of merriment or chaos as the case may be,  Christmas is the best.

It is special. It is really a phenomenon.

It is a wonder to me the way masses of people are willing to dress up in certain colors or clothes (which are often quite hideous), spend hours trimming trees, hanging lights, baking fancy treats and braving utterly frenetic shopping malls. Grown men wrapping tiny packages with matching ribbon and bows…really? That just scratches the surface of course, for the truly dedicated Christmas includes elaborate crafts, gatherings of family and friends, theatre, music, pageants, church and more. What a magical and mysterious time of year;  millions of people regardless of complex problems and world strife make time for all of this, because we want the promise of Christmas. We want to give and receive, laugh, have fun.

Human beings long to connect. We want to find joy and meaning. We have a deep yearning to share ourselves with others, to matter,  to make a difference, to play, to love. Christmas promises an opportunity to do all of those things and gives us permission to do so in a big way.

Many people plan and save months in advance to make the holidays special. Religious meaning may be central for some but even in a secular celebration we search for the same promise. These fortunate people know what they plan to create and enjoy it fully.

Too often however, we are not aware of our deeper yearnings but feel the pull to make something magical happen. We can get caught up with things that do not fulfill our hearts desires and end up stressed or disappointed. The pressure and expectations of the media driven holiday rarely become reality for most as we buy into the idea that somehow we have fallen short or that others have left us shortchanged.

For a variety of reasons many people struggle emotionally this time of year.  Some have lost loved ones  and the season magnifies the pain of missing that special someone, others have suffered abusive homes and have grown to resent the jolly attitude that they have never known. People with mental illness commonly have symptoms increase likely from being sensitive to the added stress as well as the memories this time of year can bring. Some of us are alone or in situations that are not good and trying to fake it is not aways easy. While the holidays highlight all that we have in our lives it also highlights for others all that they lack.

It is a mixed bag, an emotional pot luck. So many different perspectives, traditions, experiences.
The Christmas season heightens all the things that are different between us but more than any other time  shines a light on how much we are the same.

We are joyous or devastated or anywhere in between based on the same human longings and deep yearnings. Even when we try to deny it, in the quiet moments we know it is true; we want to connect, to matter, to share, to love.

Christmas is like a beacon each year. An annual opportunity to experience "it" Maybe for the first time.
It offers us a reason to come out of ourselves more fully; to be more generous, more playful, more free.

We strive to find the "it" of Christmas. We seek fervently each year. Some lucky souls discover it and revel in it, most of us catch a glimpse or two, some will search again next year or give up trying.

To experience the promise of Christmas fully we must become aware of what it is we truly seek.
We must let go of the fear that holds us back most of the year and play all in, share big.
We must guard against the messages that surround us distracting us from the meaningful moments we most want. We must choose to create the Christmas we truly seek.

The Promise of Christmas is that you can make a difference to someone. You do matter. You are able to connect with others, you are good and kind and generous. You are able to offer yourself and your love and in so doing you are expressing the best of who you are in the world.
That is the magic of Christmas. A whole season of chances to laugh, play, connect, act silly, be generous, be you. The real promise and "it" of Christmas is you: Expressing , experiencing, sharing and celebrating all that there is of you and all that there is for you.

Merry Christmas!

Tips to be Merry and Bright

J Just relax and breathe, take time to spend doing things you enjoy. Do not buy into pressure to spend time or money on things that do not matter to you.

O Overcome limited thinking. Give to strangers  to give is kindness. You will be surprised how powerful and appreciated that is. Find yourself alone?  Have dinner in a shelter caring for others share, care, be open. Let go of past pain and create a new memories or traditions that matter to you.

Y Yearn. Become  aware of what is most important to you. What are you deepest yearnings and how can you express and connect to them not only this season but throughout the new year.

Gratitude Tips

Gratitude Tips

November naturally and rightfully brings thoughts of what we are thankful for if only for a brief time. Traditionally we set aside a day or maybe make a habit of being grateful the entire month culminating with our national holiday. It is good to give thanks. Gratitude is proven to increase happiness, lifting mood and even serious depression when practiced regularly. However, it is in our nature to overlook things, take things for granted or to focus on the negative and we must be disciplined to prevent this.

Here are a few ideas of how to increase the practice of gratitude in your life just in time for the holidays!

• Make a list adding one thing you are thankful for each day
• Have a decorate dish out with paper and pen for folks to write down things they are grateful for. Mix ‘em up and read a few at the holiday or do it all season and reflect on them at the new year.
• Send hand written thank you cards via snail mail to friends or family
• Slip an unexpected note of thanks in a lunch box or under a pillow.
• Look anew at your reflection and be thankful for what you see 
• Create a collage of images of people, places, experiences that have made an impact  on you, build on it all season till the new year. Invite family to join in on the effort.

Look for the ordinary and extraordinary in each moment, each day. Regardless of what difficulties or frustrations you may encounter there is something to say thank you for, find it. Record it, revel in it.

I challenge you to make a practice of gratitude and extend it to the new year. I promise it will make you holiday bright and set you on a positive course going into the new year.

I am eternally grateful to all my clients and friends that share so much of who they are with me and with each other as we grow together into being more of who we are while unfolding rich, intimate friendships along the way.

Thank you!

The One Thing That Should Top Your Thanks-giving List But Likely Does Not

It is the time of year that our thoughts turn to gratitude. Thanksgiving is upon us and although it increasing serves as the starting line for Christmas shopping it remains one of our most treasured all

American traditions. It is good to give thanks for a multitude of reasons not the least of which is that is effectively serves to increase happiness, in fact if used as a regular practice it is clinically proven to alleviate clinical depression.
We take so many things in life for granted but I think the thing we take most for granted is ourselves.
At best we add to our Thanksgiving list the generalized "I am thankful" for my health, but there are so many aspects and elements of ourselves we do not recognize and celebrate.
We are conditioned to focus on our failure, be our own worst critic and gloss over our attributes, I think this is especially true for women. Often, we have been raised to do this made to feel guilt , cocky or arrogant to recognize our own strengths or talents some religious teaching goes so far to make it the sin of pride to feel good about the good stuff in you. This is pure poppycock of course and is one of the things we do culturally that hinders us greatly and undermines our self esteem. Nevertheless, it cam feel uncomfortable to focus on our good stuff so many times we do not or even try to diminish it.
I contend that to not recognize the strengths and talents we have and be grateful for the blessing that we are seems the highest form of arrogance and sin.
I suggest this season as you practice gratitude or even offer a prayer of thanks that you start with yourself. When is the last time you were thankful for your vision and all it allows you to see and experience? Have you appreciated the strength you have mentally, emotionally or physically lately?
What parts of your personality do you most enjoy? Are you funny, thoughtful, silly? Celebrate that.
I am grateful to have a strong healthy body, for my senses that offer me a full rich experience of the wonders of this world. I enjoy my attitude of openness and acceptance to the things and people I encounter and I am thankful I have these and many other things within me to enjoy myself and my life fully.
This season look a bit deeper at the aspects of yourself that you are proud of, the parts of your body that serve you well that you rarely think about, (so thankful that heart keeps beating). Look with fresh eyes at the image in the mirror. Let go for a moment of the critical eye we most often view ourselves with and find the beauty that is there. What do you like about your appearance? Who does that feature remind you of? How does your face reflect your emotion and convey warmth?
All the good things we offer and experience flow through and from ourselves. Remember to be thankful for yourself, for all that you are and all that you bring to the world.

30 Day Challenge: List the best of you with categories to include physical, talents and skills, personality traits and post this where you can see it daily.  Become more comfortable and aware of the wonder you actually are. See how your attitude shifts as a result.

Embrace or Escape a Full Life

It occurred to me recently that every day we are presented with a multitude of decisions  that ultimately boil down to one of two simple choices: Embrace or Escape. I also realized that we chose whether we embrace or escape based on two emotions: Fear or Love. More importantly, we are rather uneven and predictable in what we chose and this limits our expression and experience of ourselves and our lives. 

This line of thinking was influenced no doubt by my recent exploration into Buddhist teachings particularly the work of Pema Chodron and her book When Things Fall Apart.

I have long held the belief that there is value in all our experiences and I try to embrace my life fully while encouraging others to do the same. But I began to wonder if I was embracing all of life or just living fully the good stuff and what that meant.

Choices. We are presented with so many every minute of every day. Certainly the choices we make shape our lives and can often be overwhelming. However, when you boil it down to the basic components and motivators things may become more clear.

In the largest sense we are faced with a decision in our lives to boldly embrace all the realities and opportunities or escape from many aspects of it and play it safe. It takes discipline to embrace all the experiences of life for that would include feeling all the pain and sorrow as fully as the joy and excitement, for most of us that does not sit well. In Buddhist teaching though the practice to embrace all of life is a worthy, valuable goal including the suffering that life contains. I agree, but it is not an easy or popular choice.

We tend to think suffering and pain are to be avoided at all cost and put a good deal of effort into doing so.

When I think of escaping and embracing I also think about those that chose to embrace and follow their dreams and goals. People who try new things and pursue a rich full life that is open minded and adventurous. People that embrace and accept all of who they are rather than rejecting or denying aspects of themselves. On the other hand, I consider escape to be the acts that tune us out such as alcohol or drugs, television or other activities that dull us or fill our time without really engaging us. To escape is simply the ways we deny, avoid, hold back or check out and we all have many methods to do this. It can be anything people use to avoid experience or being all that they are. For instance, my bad habit of over checking Facebook and email rather than write or work on a project is a method I use far too often to escape if only for a little while.

What informs these decisions also comes down to two things: Love and fear. So when we chose to embrace or escape we are motivated by one of these two emotions. We embrace life out of love. Love is expansive, positive, hopeful. We are open to people, experiences, information and to sharing of ourselves, risking boldly, feeling and living fully. Mostly this part comes easy to me. I have always loved to try new things, meet new people and learn about vast subjects. The older I get the more open I am to everything and the more I appreciate beauty in places I did not recognize it before.

Conversely, people chose to escape out of fear. It may be an attempt to protect ourselves from failure or suffering, to dull pain, pass the time safely, not be disappointed. We may just be in the habit of playing it safe in our routine because we never learned another way or have forgotten how we wanted to live, what we want to do or be. Many of us resist new experiences afraid we may not like it or reject people and things that are different, fearful of how they would impact our lives and beliefs.

In truth there are degrees of all of this and we each live a combination of embracing or escaping, loving or fearing every day.

I think it is vital to become aware of these basic components however so that we may make conscious choices that will shape the lives that we want. 

In my own life I realized I tend to rush through the negative stuff using optimism and problem solving to focus on changing things that are unpleasant or not working as fast as possible rather than embracing the pain or discomfort and sitting with it for a while. I tend to do this with others as well offering comfort and reassurance to help people move forward out of the dark places that are painful or hard more quickly and easily.  This is a common approach for most of us when we have difficult times; to buoy ourselves by looking for the bright side, and moving on. We pride ourselves on our resilience and ability to push on and try to help others do so quickly as well. Most of us are not comfortable with pain, our own or that of another so we recommend a drink, a prescription, stay busy, don’t dwell on it and so on. But I am beginning to think get over it and get on with it is not entirely the best way at least not immediately. I pride myself on being committed to living fully in many ways, so if that is true I must be willing to fully experience it all. Tough to do. But what might I miss as I hurry through? Is it fair that I pick and chose what I embrace fully and leave the hard stuff behind? Isn’t it the hard stuff in life that usually holds the most reward after all? I wonder...

How much time everyday am I escaping even in little ways, not being fully present, not really pursing what is important to me or showing up as my best self?

I want to examine this so that I can make the most of this precious life I have and squeeze out all the stuff that is available to me. As Socrates said, “ An unexamined life is not worth living”. 

Just for a day or two become aware of the times you embrace life fully; accepting the challenges, feeling the emotion, giving your all and when you escape by rushing through something, avoiding it completely, or filling time with non meaningful fluff or maybe even checking out with alcohol, drugs or addictions.

How do you endeavor to live? Would you like to be one that embraces life making decisions to be fully engaged out of a loving open perspective or are you willing to let life slide by carefully keeping yourself distracted by escaping emotion that is unpleasant, playing it safe and holding yourself back?

The components are simple; embrace, escape, love, fear but the implications and results  define who you are, the life you live, and the example you set. Chose wisely.

5 Ways to Reduce Stress and Increase Happiness Now

It seems stress levels are at an all-time high. I don't think you can make it through a day without someone lamenting their stress level or seeing an article or post regarding the issue. Despite the prevalence of information on the topic I think there remains a lack of understanding and action to improve the situation. Stress is the feeling we get when we feel we do not have the time, ability or resources to deal with tasks or a situation. It is also often used interchangeably with the feeling of anxiety and worry which feels similar but is not quite the same. It is important to recognize that stress has to do with our feelings or perceptions not the actual situation that elicits the response. Keeping this in mind we do best to become aware of the circumstances that provoke this response in us, cultivate skills to improve and adjust our attitudes to them and balance our lives in a healthy way so we are  prepared to handle things well. In our fast paced over stimulated lifestyle we can multitask the day away employing all kinds of systems and tools designed to make our lives easier and faster that at the same time turn up stress levels by encouraging us to always be attending to even more tasks and ever more input. We simply are on overload most of the time. Add to this a cultural value system that supports  unhealthy and unrealistic ideas of productivity and success and it is clear why many of us feel stressed, unhappy and exhausted much of the time. The good news is we can stop the madness by becoming more aware, making different choices and using simple tools that not only decrease our stress but increase our happiness.

1. Be true to you. Stop saying yes when you mean no. Start by examining your to do list and eliminating or delegating things that you do not want to do whenever possible. Evaluate the things you refer to as must do, should do, have to do. These terms are oppressive, they feel negative and make us feel out of control and a victim to life… not good. Get rid of the things that fall into these categories first or change your attitude towards them and use language such as I chose to, want to, or could do instead. 
2. Triple A: Accept, Adapt, Avoid We often think we have no choice which contributes to our stress considerably. We tolerate situations that need not be tolerated, we interact with people that are hurtful and negative, we struggle against reality that cannot be changed. The Serenity Prayer says it best; we will feel more peace as we learn to accept what cannot change, be creative and flexible with what we have to work with and avoid things that are unnecessary and do not serve us. Sometimes there are hard choices to make but applying the triple A approach will put you well on your way to less stress and more happiness.
3. Put the Oxygen Mask on Yourself First: There remains a self sacrificial attitude especially amongst women to do for everyone else at great personal cost. Some of us show love through doing and caring for others which is great as long as you care for yourself as well as you care for others. Love thy neighbor as thyself only works if you love thyself first after all. I am frequently guilty of this myself, putting of my meditation or workouts to squeeze in another task or fill the request of a friend or family member. We misunderstand that caring for the self is not the same as being selfish. Implement routines that recharge and renew, this will enable you to be your best for yourself and others, minimize resentment and keep you happy and healthy. Take the time to discover what works for you and schedule it in with as much or more priority as the things you do for others.
4. Have Fun Similar to number 3  we need to value fun in our lives. We tend to forget that happiness and fun balances work and stress perfectly. Imagine a teeter totter with stress and obligation on one side fun and happiness on the other, you must have a balanced mix to keep life steady and be mindful that when the balance shifts too much to one side you can quickly set it straight by adding to the other side. This is a tool I use with all of my clients working to achieve their goals; to include fun and leisure activities right in the goal set as a way to stay balanced, clear headed, feel good and enjoy the journey.
5. Take Action Make a Plan Now: Do not wait. Chose one small thing to add or subtract that causes stress in your life this week. Chose one small attitude shift that is more empowering towards a task that is required of you or a person you must deal with this week. Chose one fun activity and add it to your schedule this week. Chose one healthy habit better nutrition, exercise or relaxation this week. Tell me next week how you feel.

 Let's face it most of us know this stuff or at least have some ideas of things we could do that would make our lives easier, happier and more successful. Frankly, we often hold onto these habits and relish being a victim or fool ourselves into thinking we have no choice.  That is just not true. We must be honest with ourselves and be willing to actually be happier and less stressed. The real problem is believing that we can make the changes we want and choosing to make them on a consistent basis. They say knowledge is half the battle, it is;  the easier half. It takes a bit of mindful effort to to change attitudes, habits and routines until they become new habits attitudes and routines.. When we are stressed and unhappy we quickly fall into a rut of complaining, feeling lousy and resentful and we will find plenty of people to commiserate with that will reinforce this exhausting trend. We can chose instead to break this cycle, making some changes to decrease the stress and increase our happiness to enjoy life more and isn't that what it is all about anyway?

Sometimes you barely have to change anything to change everything

Making Dreams Reality

Dreams, wishes, hopes, bucket lists,  we all have them, what we want to be, achieve or experience.
As a coach I deal with this topic all the time of course helping people clarify what they want and then make plans to achieve it is kind of the meat and potatoes of my work. It is so satisfying to help someone go through the steps to define what they most want, develop plans, overcome the inevitable obstacles and make it happen.

However, it is often disconcerting how many of us have hopes, dreams and goals that we do not tend to or believe in consequently we treat them as "pipe dreams" and take no real steps to make them a reality. Many of us have great and exciting ideas for "someday" but no idea of how or when "someday" will happen.

Sometimes we do this because we have been told throughout our lives to be realistic, practical, responsible. We also have a culture that is largely negative and pessimistic, that values conformity, that loves to commiserate. Well intentioned friends and family often discourage the things that burn in our souls with the intention to protect us from failure or disappointment not realizing the lack of pursuing these things that mean the most to us means certain failure and disappointment of course.  Others that have let go of their own dreams discourage us as well out of their own bitter disappointment.

Many times we do not plan and pursue our hearts desire for logistical reasons most often a lack of resources. In truth though one can usually find a way with enough creativity, discipline and  effort to make almost anything possible.

We have many excuses internally and externally to not do what we want but primarily it is a choice based on several factors that in essence are clarity, belief, strategies action.

• Are you very clear on what you most want? 
• Do you believe you are capable and worthy to achieve or experience it?
• Have you made or are you willing to make solid plans with strategies to make it reality?
• How committed are you to taking the action required?

We all admire the folks we see that chose to live life on their own terms and follow their dreams. The banker that leaves it all behind to sail to the Caribbean, the folks that take sabbatical to serve others or to travel the world.

The 73 year old woman that completes the Boston Marathon, the single mom that hits it big baking cupcakes. I think we are drawn to them because we each have a piece of us that says, " I wish I could do that."

In actuality most of us can live this way, but there is a price to pay. We may let others down, we may fail, we may lose relationships , money, stuff, prestige, we may not even like what it is we seek once we achieve it. There is certain risk in pursuing your dreams and that is why most of us do not do it. It is difficult to change, to risk, to stray from the path others expect us to take. But what we fail to recognize is that there is more certain risk in not pursuing our dreams. Someday may not come, we will feel dissatisfied, we risk boredom, restlessness and the empty feeling we get when we know we have not reached our potential or been true to who we really are.

In the long run that is what is all about isn't it? Becoming all that you are, fulfilling what you are called to do, and living life fully. To do this we must ask ourselves what is most important and valuable to us individually and what we are really willing to risk.

Is Optimism a Form of Denial?

It occurred to me in a very recent ah-ha moment that optimism is a form of denial. I had been reading Pema Chodron’ s great book When Things Fall Apart, which is truly stretching my mind when I came to this realization. She is a Buddhist nun and the teachings around pain, suffering, reality and how we avoid or hide from so many of these things is eye opening. Two things I definitely know about myself: One,  I truly endeavor to be open to experience life fully, the good, the bad and the ugly. However, I chose to focus on the good most of the time rushing through the bad and ugly looking for the lesson and moving on to better more beautiful days, this is my MO. Two, as you can imagine, I am a die hard optimist.

Optimism. I have always thought this was one of my best qualities. Always looking for the best, finding the silver lining, believing in good outcomes ...seems great especially for a life coach right?

In fact, there is tons of research that indicates that high levels of optimism contributes to a happier life, better health, less stress, better job performance more satisfying relationships and more, I agree with all of this.

Yet I think it may also be a form of denial. It allows me to gloss over things and forget things that may be better remembered. It can diminish the gravity and weight of something that has gravity and weight for a reason.

The habit of always looking for the best is a great coping skill, one I no doubt developed during a very turbulent childhood and chaotic life. It has served me well to keep myself going, remaining hopeful and resilient, always ready to move ahead to brighter days.

But it also serves as a blinder, a buffer to reality that is often unpleasant or painful. It moves me through that experience toward something new and better over the horizon. I wonder if it is completely good to quickly move through something, to always seek the silver lining and keep hoping and striving for a brighter future rather than fully experiencing it?
Why must I hope or search for something else rather than accept what is and just be with it?

The Buddhist teachings suggest that life naturally contains suffering, that in our suffering there can be value and that our struggle to be rid of pain in fact causes us more suffering.

I do not pretend to understand Buddhist teaching, I am less than a beginning student of it’s lessons. But it does make me question if this hopeful optimism is as good for me as I once thought. What might I be missing?

That is not to say I knock optimism entirely, it does serve to increase our happiness and satisfaction, it does help us be resilient and move forward. There are better days ahead but there are worse days as well and we will always have both. We get into trouble if we fool ourselves into thinking one day all will be right with the world, one day we will be happy and things will be good. I used to think that way as a younger woman it led me to bust my ass trying to make everything just so. So much effort to make things happen, fix things, but they still broke. I have learned to let go of that, well most of that.

One can avoid what is true and real with optimism but also with cynicism, pessimism, nihilism or any other philosophical or religious perspective because these vantage points allow us to see things the way we chose to not necessarily the way they are. I think the goal is to see things the way they are and to accept them and to accept ourselves in relation to what we perceive. This is all part of our experience and growth as human beings, granting us insights of more compassion and understanding of ourselves and others. In the end isn’t that what it is all about?

I think the goal is to open our eyes to the things each of us use to dampen our experience in anyway and be aware that if we want to live fully we must challenge ourselves to look at things in new ways. If we want to become all that we are we must be willing to live all that there is. Life inherently has a positive and negative aspect and although our culture does a fantastic job of  telling us to seek pleasure and avoid pain at all cost if we do that we are in essence avoiding life.

I can only speak for myself when I say I do not want to avoid life, I want to live it fully. I can also speak for myself when I say that is scary. Honestly, I do not really know how to do it and certainly I do not know how to do it well. 

But I think that that is okay. I accept my lack of understanding and will continue to seek more. This is purposeful and requires work and courage. 

As I said, I am a die hard optimist so I believe I can do it.

What methods or beliefs do you use to avoid pain or rush past it?

Are you willing to feel and experience all life has to offer you?

Eyes Wide Shut

I am borrowing a title from a movie I really did not like. Famous of course; Stanley Kubrick, Nicole Kidman, Tom Cruise, impressive. No debate here, I just did not get it I suppose, maybe I will watch it again.

The title is perfect though for how we often go through life. We have our eyes open but closed tightly at the same time.

Let's be honest; there are many things in our lives we choose not to see.
This is a choice, conscious or not. Once we really look at something, particularly if it is unpleasant it makes it more more difficult to ignore. We can put blinders on to those dark and difficult things about ourselves, our loved ones or in the world at large. I have seen patients act as if an obvious serious illness does not exist until it is far too late just to avoid dealing with it. I have grown up in a family filled with violence and mental illness that was never discussed, never addressed. I have witnessed people go through the motions and daily routine of unfulfilling careers or ignore painful damaging relationships rather than risk a different choice. I myself have failed to see things about myself or openly address things in my relationships many times. There are so many different levels to this; it may be an unwillingness to a see a serious life threatening problem, to challenge the hurtful habits of a loved one or a blind spot to our own negative habits but whichever is the case it undermines our ability to have a happy and fulfilling life.

It is part of a survival mechanism I suppose, it keeps us going, protects us from getting bogged down. But ultimately, like all fear it prevents us from being fully ourselves and enjoying our best lives.

When we are struggling or find we are stuck in a vicious circle, when we have a sense of despair or are suffering anxiety it may be our inner alarm clock asking us to wake up and open our eyes. I believe we know far more than we think we know. I believe we have wisdom and answers within us if only we have the courage to see and act. You undoubtedly have experienced the ah-ha moments and flashes of insight that come when you finally take something out and examine it. Particularly as you talk with a trusted friend, coach or therapist, they provide guidance, support and a safe venue for you to explore and discover what has been there all along, but only when you are ready and willing to open your eyes.

It has taken me a lifetime to begin to open my eyes and frankly I am not totally there yet. There are still things I am reluctant to see, issues I see but am reluctant to act upon but I hope to do better.
There are long held habits and mistruths to overcome. Thinking you will hurt someone, feeling you are powerless, minding your own business, not knowing you are worth it, believing this is just the way it is. Lies.

The truth is we are powerful. We can make a new choice, anything can be better or at the very least our reaction to it can be. When we stop believing that this is as goods it gets, life get's a whole lot better.
Not easy. But have you considered that living with your eyes wide shut is not easy either?
We stumble around not speaking our truth, not playing full out, not taking a stand.
Maybe you are just used to it but maybe you could get used to something more bright, crisp and clear.
As you begin to see what is real, who you are and what you really want you see all new choices before you and life becomes more bright, authentic and fulfilling.

What things are calling to you to be seen?
How might you benefit from a little more light and clarity with a situation or relationship in your life?
What are you afraid to see?
How might things improve if you took a closer look anyway, what might be possible?

Life by Design: The Four Rooms

When we look at our lives as a whole it can be overwhelming: career issues, relationship struggles health concerns, juggling schedules and activities, fitting in leisure time and hoping for a chance to find a meaningful spiritual moment. I think it is helpful to break up the major aspects of our life to examine them and have deliberate intention regarding the elements of each.

I call these aspects the four rooms. These rooms; health, work, relationships and spirituality combine to house our very soul.  What is within each room and how we occupy it defines the quality of our lives. Each room is ours to uniquely fill and attend to in our own way, I call this design.

Design is a word that implies choice and intention as well as style and individuality. Ideally, while we all have the same rooms all of us have different elements within them arranged in a way that suits us uniquely.

When you look at life through this perspective it is easy to categorize things and examine the elements within as well as become more open to the choices you have to arrange things more to your liking in each room. Work for instance may contain a job with fulfillment, projects, training, achievement and salary issues as supporting elements. In this room, as with all the others, one may assess the amount of time and energy spent,  the satisfaction and meaning gained and whether the room is authentic or needs some tweaks or growth to fit into the larger design.

Room by room we honestly take stock; clearing clutter, moving things around, getting rid of things that do not fit well and adding elements of our own choosing thus making our life a better reflection of who we truly are which makes it much more fulfilling. 

Using this approach we can also determine which rooms we may not be spending enough time in.

Given the premise that all the major rooms in your life have equal value since all feed and support the whole, it is critical to have a working balance to have a healthy, happy home. 

Often times we do not recognize the value of each room. We trick ourselves into thinking some things can wait indefinitely or simply do not matter because we have more important issues to tend to.

Occasionally this may be the case during a serious health crisis for instance the work and relationship rooms may go dark while the energies are focused on health. But more often I think we tend to ignore large aspects of our lives because we do not recognize the value or think we do not have time since we are too busy filling up another room. In some cases we close off a room completely not allowing ourselves or anyone else to go there. This is what leads us to feel stressed and out of synch, we become burned out because we are not honoring all parts of ourselves and allowing the major aspects of our home to nourish and support us fully. 

Many of us have all the rooms open and spend a bit of time in each but feel that something is just not quite right. We have never taken the time to design them for ourselves with purpose and intention. We live according to how things were when we checked in, or the way someone else thought things should be arranged. Adopting beliefs and habits like hand me down furniture.

 This can be okay when you are first starting out but with time you need to choose what you like to create your own design and truly make your house your home. 

As you begin to look at your life from this perspective which rooms do you feel are in need of attention? Relationships, Health, Career, Spirituality

Are the spaces reflective of your own personal style and flair containing elements of your own choosing?

Do the rooms in your life fulfill and sustain you?

When we recognize that the total of our lives is indeed made up of the aspects of our lives all working together we gain the power to choose what elements matter most. Living by design with intention rather than default is powerful. It provides a much surer route to the peace and happiness we seek because it calls upon us to be aware and authentic. Taking the time to design each room and spend time in them creates the comfort, balance and safety we need to sustain our souls allowing us to express ourselves and experience life fully.

What If Something Good Happens?

What if something bad happens?
What if they do not like me?
What if I fail?
We ask these things based on past experience.
I am reminded again and again by my own day to day life and habits and by my work with clients that we greatly limit the amount of success, happiness and joy we have based on history.
We do not try new things because once we tried something we did not like.
We do not trust fully because once we were betrayed.
We do not engage in activities because once we failed.
We do not fully reveal ourselves because once we were rejected.
There is no more powerful kill joy than once.

Certainly we may have experienced these unpleasantries more than once or maybe it has just been once but it hurt deeply and all our brain is fixated upon is not experiencing that again.
Our brains are designed to protect us, and on occasion they protect us so well from pain that we miss out on a lot of pleasure as well. Simply put; it is fear and we all experience it.

The good news is with a bit of effort we can override our brains and habits and make different choices.
This is in fact exactly what we must do if we want to have more fun, happiness and success.
If you currently are not satisfied with any aspect of your life you can chose to stop protecting yourself from the what if something bad happens so that you can experience what if something good happens.

The first step to doing this is recognizing what stops you. Pay attention to what you say no to, what you avoid, when you hold back. Become aware of the real outcome you are afraid of and how it will make you feel. You may instantly know why you feel this way based on past experience or you may not. But with this awareness you can chose differently. Knowing the places that scare you and why is a starting point to do battle.
Typically, we have all had far more successes and good outcomes than failures and pains. But human nature weights the negative so much heavier than the good stuff it can be all but forgotten. Step two is recognize the times things went well. We fool ourselves thinking we are "always disappointed or rejected" but in truth it is not always. We must remember that we have and will have good outcomes as well so that we can push forward. I find myself frequently questioning my clients when they slip into all or nothing thinking using terms like always and never. Find the truth it is never always, but this thinking can stop us in our tracks.
As we move forward with this more optimistic and open minded view of life it is important as well to clarify the vision of the life we want o create in the first place. So the next piece is to create a vision of the life you want that is holistic. Spend time deciding what types of relationships you want, what kind of activity and work, how you will mange your health and connect spiritually. When we purse with intention the life we want it may not turn out exactly as we have planned but it will be closer or maybe better than we could ever have imagined.

By recognizing and removing the limits we place on ourselves and choosing who we will be and how we will live we give ourselves the freedom to live and express ourselves more fully which greatly increases the chance of something good happening.

What You're Getting vs What You're Giving

It occurred to me today that the folks I know that live the most rewarding, successful and fulfilling lives are the same people that are hitting it hard, giving it their all everyday in work,  play and their relationships.

It seems to me that people talk a good deal about what they are or more often, are not getting out of life. They have a detailed list of unfulfilled desires and are waiting for them to be filled. This is especially apparent in regard to our personal relationships. What he or she does not do or provide. Where they are falling short or aspects of the relationship that are lacking.We often have notions that if they would just change or give more of this or that things would be better. We may entertain the idea that another partner would be best, one that would give more of what we truly want and need. These ideas may in fact hold some truth however, it occurs to me that most of us look outside ourselves for the change to come. We focus to often on what we are getting and very little consideration is put into examining what we are giving.

This distinction is vital.

In truth is the most power we have to get what we most want is directly in proportion to what we are willing to give.

How much of yourself will you share and how fully?

How honest and authentic, how loving and committed?

How much of your time, your body, mind and soul?

Particularly when it comes to our relationships, most of us are guarded, we want to protect ourselves from looking foolish, being rejected.

We want to wait, to hold back, see what we get first before we decide to go all in. We look for what we are getting far more  than what we are giving as a measure of the value of the relationship.

Of course we want to be loved. But isn't it equally precious to love?

Fully giving yourself to another is not an easy thing to do. Accepting another requires a degree of self acceptance and trust we do not all have, it is risky. So many things get in the way of the love and true intimacy we crave. It is not surprising so many settle for a life without it substituting good times and good sex for real connection and love.

I think when it comes to life we get out of it in direct proportion to what we give it. If we work, play and love fully we will be fully rewarded.

If we are not getting what we truly want we must look to ourselves for the honest answer to what we are truly  giving.

In our personal relationships this is even more crucial. We can only expect to enjoy a deep intimate connection when we are willing to give of ourselves deeply and honestly. Allowing ourselves to risk being truly seen and known, accepting another as the complex and beautiful beings they are and being willing to give them the love and acceptance we ourselves seek.

Kinda risky. But not doing so risks never getting what you most desire.

The only way of getting all that we seek is through giving fully of ourselves in pursuit of all that we want and all that we are. We must then be willing to give more and to give more we must let go of the fear that holds us back. The fear that tricks us into thinking it is better to do without or wait for someone or something else to make things happen or go first rather than put ourselves out there and have it not "work".

What are you afraid to give?

What things hold you back from fully giving and sharing yourself?

How might your relationships be different if you focused on what you are giving and redoubling your efforts in that regard?

How can you give more of yourself to the people and things you connect with this week?

Jump in Live Fully

As we go through our lives there are multiple opportunities we encounter that we routinely avoid, saying we do not like them or are afraid. This reaction is normal, we all have our own comfort levels, fears and preferences. But in many circumstances the things we avoid can be very limiting to the life that we lead. Sometimes we are certain we do not want any part of it if not always certain why. At times we may secretly want to try something but make an excuse out of discomfort or fear.

How often do you decline to try something big or small with the knee jerk response, “I don’t like that.” Honestly, how do you know?

I think most of the time people say this they haven't even tried what they are turning down or it has been a long time since they have had or done anything like it. Responding in this way presumes displeasure without allowing for the possibility of pleasure.

How often do you say you are afraid and use that as a reason to hold back; “I am afraid of heights”, ‘I am afraid of crowds‘ ,and so on.

Why do we do that?

This is partly due to the affinity we have for familiarity and our mental programming to keep ourselves safe.  People naturally have both a desire for familiarity and for variety and adventure -- it's part of our human nature. At the same time we are programmed for survival and make choices to keep ourselves safe and comfortable.

As individuals the mixture of these components is complex. Many people are risk adverse and very narrow in the experiences they allow themselves. This can be a way to control things or even people and it can also provide security and comfort. It is not a problem unless it gets in the way of living fully and experiencing all that life has to offer.  Many others are thrill seekers and passionate about experiencing new things and pushing their own limits. They feel most alive when filled with the rush of adrenaline and surge of excitement and even fear. We all lie somewhere on this continuum.

I find myself closer to the latter. I am a complete "experience junkie" although not necessarily a thrill seeker. I search out new experiences with a vengeance. I consciously expose myself to new people, art and performance, cultures, beliefs, knowledge, and flavors. Less often I will push my limits physically like last year's 5k race or this year's zip lining in the jungles of Costa Rica with my kids. This is one of my favorite aspects of my personality and has contributed to a rich diverse life full of texture, fun and discovery.

It is an aspect that all of my three children have as well. It was a joy for me to watch them on vacation immerse themselves in new flavors, culture, music and experiences as we visited my daughter who is serving in the Peace Corps in Costa Rica. We listened to traditional music, sought out all types of foods and flavors, embraced the absolutely lovely people, and learned to make empanadas with my daughter's wonderful host Mom. We stayed in rustic places off the beaten path and hiked the gorgeous trials, swimming in waterfalls, and soaking in natural hot springs. We also pushed our fears a bit and zip lined in the rainforest, Three out of the four of us seriously swallowed our fear to do the optional daredevil Tarzan swing, and we all spent a morning learning something new -- paddle boarding on the Pacific Ocean.

It was a great trip on so many levels. Seven days of uninterrupted time with all of my adult children was a rare treasure, and in fact had never happened before. Seeing where my daughter works and lives now was a treat that laid many concerns to rest. She is well cared for, well liked and respected in her community, and thriving in her role. If you have not been to Costa Rica by all means visit. It is gorgeous and we were utterly amazed everyday by the overwhelming natural beauty but equally impressed with the kindness and hospitality of everyone we met on our travels.

Incidentally, the one that chose not to do the Tarzan swing was not me. Surprise!

I initially wanted no part of it; I am very afraid of heights, I don't even like standing on a six foot ladder at home. I do not like amusement rides, never have, even as a child. I have been known to be upset on the Dumbo ride at Disney.  Zip-lining high in the air was the biggest risk thrill-wise I have ever taken. I had battled my fears all day just to do that. So I walked down the hill, watched, and took pictures of the others more bold than I in my group including two of my kids.

It was terrifying but fun to watch the others take the plunge on the Tarzan swing; screaming, laughing but overall, joyous. At some point I realized I was not fully being the woman I think I am and want to be just standing at the bottom and watching. I was aware I had only a few moments to decide who I would be and then this daring oppoortunity would forever pass. Shocking everyone, especially myself, I walked back up the hill. My son accompanied me and wisely distracted and encouraged me. I could not even look at what lay ahead or approach the gate till the last moment. I wanted desperately to change my mind, I was sure this was a bad idea, but was also not willing to let my kids down or look like a total wimp. I asked myself what I was afraid of? I knew it was safe. I could not fall or be killed. I believe the fear was based on not wanting the rush of adrenaline, not  risking  being overwhelmed, or the loss of control. Not allowing myself to travel outside of my comfort zone to experience something dramatically new and frightening. I was protecting myself from the intense emotion and feeling I might have not knowing how I would react more than protecting my physical safety. It was a brief flash of insight. I knew this was true for myself and others.

I did not want to make the choice to be afraid to feel.

So I let them hook me in to the harness I quickly jumped off the platform swinging out high over the trees, making awful noises, and closing and opening my eyes not knowing which was worse. For a brief moment after a couple of passes I let my body relax and soak in the beauty and freedom I felt; it was an instant of awe. Then I begged like a baby to be let down. After, as my legs shook on solid ground walking on to finish the last 3 zip-lines, my life was altered by what I had done.

My children saw a new bolder aspect of me and were proud, I was proud as well and felt that while I would very likely never do that again, I was grateful I did not let my fear stand in the way of the experience.I gained insight into the nature of fear and what holds me and others back and I took another step in revealing more of who I am. I am hopeful that in the future I will do the same and jump in despite my fears, choose to live fully.

I have not always been so bold. As a young woman less secure in herself and the world I tended to play most aspects of my life safe and small for a variety of reasons. This included not wanting to look stupid or failing at something. Also, protecting my inner self and carefully sharing who I was. Not knowing or trusting my capabilities and ultimately not realizing how much wonderful stuff was lying right outside my reach if I just stretched out my hand a bit.

As I have stretched and grown I have been richly rewarded. Every experience, whether I have enjoyed it or not, has added so much to who I am, what I know, and how I see myself and the world. As I have grown older I have learned to risk and share more of myself as well fighting back fears of being overwhelmed by emotion or not knowing what to expect. The same habits of fear and avoidance that keeps us from risking physically applies to risking emotionally as well. The parallels are clear for those that are careful not to expose and share themselves fully lest they be hurt or rejected and end up disappointed, hurt or rejected as a result.

We all choose how we live in the world, and we can choose where we are on that continuum I mentioned. As tempting, safe and comfy as familiar can be, variety and exhilaration can make life truly grand.

I encourage you to think a bit longer before turning something down. Taste the flavors, feel the texture, and experience the excitement of life a bit more. Risk more of yourself, trust your instincts and live and love more fully. Become aware of when you let fear stand in your way of rich, meaningful and fun experiences. Get in the habit of asking yourself  if you are living life as the person you are and want to be. Seek out more in all  areas of yourself and your world, I promise you you will find it. Life is vast, wonderful, and waiting for you to simply stretch out your hand a bit more.

Jump in... live fully.

Pura Vida

Go Beyond Confidence

Beyond Confidence

This concept is the foundation of all meaningful happiness and success, key to peace of mind

It is just beyond our idea of what confidence is.

• How I found it


• 3 key steps to cultivate it


• Why you want it

Confidence Defined

1. A feeling of assurance, especially self assurance


2. The state or quality of being certain


3. Trust or faith in a person or thing

But how do we define it? How do you define it?

So much talk about confidence; too much, too little.  It is confusing and contradictory used as a positive and a negative at the same time. It is something we both admire and criticize in others. Misunderstood to be earned or measured through outer variables chiefly achievement and approval it is precarious and constantly shifting.

In truth the confidence we truly need is beyond that.

This confidence is a sense of self that is more stable

Rooted in your intrinsic worth and value

Based upon self acceptance and independent of the opinion of others or the achievement of things.

As a young person I struggled to find my way. I was shy. I felt inferior to others having grown up in a tumultuous abusive home I had not established a solid sense of myself I thought where I came from and what I did defined who I was and what I was worth. I limited myself and held back what I was capable of, what I expected for myself and  what I expected from others for many years as a result. This background was the inspiration for my dedication to helping others live well to enjoy themselves and their lives.

However, it was not until I was in my mid thirties that I began to move beyond that and develop the confidence to express who I was and live more authentic and powerfully in the world. This was a long time coming. It was based on self acceptance and adopting new ways of thinking about what made people including me valuable. The realization that I had always been capable to handle anything that came my way was vital. Whether I handled it well or not did not matter. There was the slow burn of new knowledge and thinking and several pivotal aha moments that lead me to the place I now reside and share with others. .

Beyond confidence, a trust or faith in oneself. A self assurance and ease about who you are. A state of certainty that you are good valuable and capable. A knowledge that no matter if outcomes are fantastic or faulty you remain the same: A ok.

This belief fuels the ability to go into any situation, meet challenges and engage people  with ease and comfort.

It is palpable and attractive to others, it engenders the trust and respect of others because they sense that you have it for yourself.

The three key steps to go beyond confidence:

R.I.P

•  Redefine worth and value and apply it for yourself. Interrogate  and shift thinking that limits you and ways that you hold back because you may be judged. Know that you are independent of outside forces and opinions, you are beyond that.

•   Inventory your strengths and skills take ownership of who you are and what you are capable of. Meet the beautiful and brilliant essence of you and get ready to play full out. Accept the multifaceted beauty of you, all the brilliance and all the darkness as all valid valuable pieces of you

•  Practice; act as if you got this and in time you will. Expect that some days will be better than others it is a self growth process. However, changes happen quickly with a few shifts in thinking and behavior. Remind yourself of the new more powerful thinking and fake it till you make it.

RIP puts the old thinking to rest to allow for the freedom and comfort that comes from living beyond confidence. Once you do this you are no longer be utterly reliant on what others think now you will be:

• Able to make decisions better, less fear of being wrong or looking bad


• Less pressured to do everything just so, perfectionism, fear of failure and success fades


• Act natural, be yourself, you will expect to be accepted and won’t take it personally if you are not or someone does not like or agree with you.


• Be more bold to take risks follow your dreams


• Be more free and intimate in your relationships more comfortable sharing yourself fully


• Have less anxiety and depression there is a general sense of being ok no matter what happens and being ok if it is not ok


• Enjoy life more; having fun doing more of what you want to do


• Be more creative as blocks are lifted and you can flow with less fear


• Make more meaningful friendships; your ease and self comfort not only attracts others in making them comfortable and at ease with you but also you will find you are less judgmental and accept and appreciate others as the principles you have applied to your self apply to everyone you will genuinely like people more.

Going beyond confidence will give you the freedom to unlock your power to be all that you are and pursue what you want fully. It takes time to develop and may in fact be the work of our lives but it is worth it; it sets the foundation for the happiness and success that we seek.

Battle Winter Blues

Wow! What a Winter!

This Winter in particular is challenging; frigid cold, harsh messy conditions, days on end of gray can all contribute to bad moods, boredom and low energy.

I love Summer I find late January through April is my least favorite time of year.

There are many people that I have spoken to lately that suffer a dip in mood in Winter. This can be part of SAD, seasonal affective disorder a condition attributed to a lack of light particularly sun during dark Winter months. It is also due to being immobilized and falling into hibernation mode. Let's face it, it is just is not so fun to go anywhere in this weather. Nearly risking our lives on the slippery roads, bundling up with layers of clothing,  getting covered in salt, shivering and shoveling. There are a very few that enjoy this time of year and if you are one you can have it, but most of us to some extent by February 1st have grown tired of it and are feeling the effects.

As with everything we face we are called to make the most of our situation and find the silver lining. The shorter, darker, colder days of Winter may wear you down but they do not have to keep you down.

There are several proven strategies to cope with the Winter blues plus some creative fun suggestions. I encourage you to try some and to create some of your own to share with the rest of us.

Get more light: turn the lights on at home  and when there is sun get out in it if tolerable for a brisk walk if it is too cold go for a drive in the sunshine or at least curl up in a sunny window for a while. You may also consider a light box  to use at home or on your desk. There is much research supporting the fact that a lack of light contributes to low mood and depression for some it is severe. Even if you do not think you are having a significant issue extra light and  sunshine will do you good.

Exercise: Brisk physical activity 45 min 3 x a week is shown in studies to have as good an effect as antidepressants on mild and moderate depression. Already taking anti depressants? Stay on them as your doctor prescribed and add in more movement to feel better. All of us can reap a mood boost with physical activity. Fight the temptations to hibernate!

January a Cabin Fever Party: Turn up the heat, throw on some flip flops and flowered shirts,  break out the Beach Boys invite some friends and serve your favorite summer drinks complete with umbrellas. You may even want to start a group that takes turns with Summer parties or outings during Winter. You could go out for BBQ, Play indoor volleyball, go to a tiki bar and so on. Have fun, be with others and turn up the heat.

Try something new: You may find yourself with more time on your hands with less time outdoors around this time of year. Why not do something you have been interested in but putting off? Start a new hobby make time for a long ago pastime, take a class in something that interests you. Join a gym, take dancing lessons, learn Spanish or take a cooking class. The options are endless but engaging your mind in activities that stimulate you will do wonders.

Plan a trip: Of course if you can get away for some sun and fun go for it. Ultimately I would leave the Chicago area in mid January and not return until May...someday.

The weather outside is frightful and Winter in Chicagoland is long. Take steps now as we move into February to make the most of the next 6 weeks conquering the cold, caring for yourself and having a real good time.

What ideas have you tried?

Dance of Our Lives

It is something many of us give lip service to: Playing all out. Going all in. Living on fire. Pushing the limits and exiting the comfort zone.

How many of us live it I wonder? I think very few. It sounds appealing and very exciting, but at the same time it is scary. The fact is for those that aspire to live rich, full, authentic and meaningful lives such as you and I, life becomes a dance between striving forward  and overcoming the fear that threatens to hold us back. I realize most of us think it is only ourselves that has these lingering doubts, fears, negative voices, but I am here to tell you some variety or intensity is within all of us, totally human.

To a large extent the measure of our happiness and success is the result of how well we cultivate the courage to be fully who we are despite the fears we have that tempt us to play small and stay safe.

Just as there are underlying subconscious yearnings that we spend our lives trying to recognize and fulfill there are underlying subconscious fears that we must take out and examine by the light of day pushing through them to ultimately be, do and have what we seek.

This combination is the cycle of our lives, a dance we are invited to participate in boldly, fully and passionately. Many do not. The thought of the risk too great. Choosing to forgo the joy hampered by the the thoughts that start with what if? What if I fail , what if I am judged , rejected and so on.

We will examine those fears moving forward this year. As I have endeavored to live boldly and seek to uncover my own fears. I too know what it is to be tempted to stay small or safe to only risk so much, to be bold in only some areas. I also know the reward of having courage and the incredible experience and triumph it brings. It is one of those things that gets better with practice, like dancing I suppose.

First, we must be bold enough to get out on the floor, then we must trust our selves to be aware; to listen to the music within and around us and courageously, authentically move freely in the joyous dance of our lives.

I have always loved to dance...this year I am ready for more practice.

What calls to you that you feel is not possible or scary and why?

What things do you avoid because of what others may think?

How can you cultivate more courage than fear this year?

Do not wait for the absence of fear, cultivate more courage and go after what you seek.

 

 

 

 

Being vs. Doing in 2014

Okay, so we have already touched on the obligatory post about how to make resolutions that work.

This is vital stuff of course, if you are going to set out to make some significant changes in your life you want to go about it in such a way that you have the best chance to succeed and let's face it that's what we coaches get paid to help people do right?

But I have been thinking since I wrote it just what it is people set their resolutions about.

This was also inspired by two recent conversations; one with a very good friend a couple days ago as he shared his resolutions for 2014 and one with my daughter Rachel today, New Years Day.

My friend had many written, specific and detailed goals but they were not the typical work out more, eat better, lose weight or career goals.

All of his were personal objectives focused on who he would be and how he would live. His resolutions included:

Continue to search for meaning, be ready to recognize it when presented, and commit to experiencing it fully
Live life with passion and purpose
Continue to become the best version of myself I can be in every regard
Tell the people who I love how much they mean to me with regularity
Find the best in everyone and let them know that it is seen and appreciated.

Quite  beautiful and powerful objectives. It occurred to me however that these all related to how to be and that usually when discussing resolutions or goals the focus is on what to do, a dramatic difference. It seems that people often get caught up in task oriented goals and to do lists. Maybe it is easier to set concrete objectives like lose 15 pounds or quite smoking. However, I think we often fail to truly recognize we are more than just a list of accomplishments. That at the end of the day it matters most who we are  and how we are rather than just what we did.

The conversation with my daughter today started with her asking me what word represented my theme this year. I had to think a minute as she shared that hers was commitment. The theme of commitment being the guiding principle to  adhere to as she pursued personal and business objectives in 2014. I chose Big-Time. The principle to no longer play small and take everything to a higher level including my business but just as importantly my personal relationships even my personal care like exercise and meditation. Truth be told I played kinda small in 2013 and it is time to step it up a notch in lots of areas. I liked her idea to have an overall theme, a guiding principle or word. This approach also supported the concept of how you would be rather than just what you would do or attain.

As I considered this approach it became clear that if we set the objectives and themes around how we are being what we ought to be doing to achieve and support that would be apparent.

I believe that the more closely aligned your goals are to your deepest values the more motivation you will have to work towards them and the more fulfillment, happiness and meaning you will feel as you achieve them.

And so today I am encouraging you as you consider what changes you will make and what you would like to do with this new year that you start with who and how you want to be. As with everything else worthwhile we must have a clear vision of what we want and a step by step strategy that will get us there if we can hope to attain it.

What types of objectives reflect how and who you want to be?

 

Here are some of mine:

Fear less & risk more both personally and professionally, go all in

Live with more freedom and independence

Show more love and appreciation to people in my life more often.

Recognize and appreciate beauty in all forms.

Play more, live fully and invite others to join me.

Say thank you more and complain  less

Be in the moment, focused and present

Make a positive impact in the lives of as many people as I can everyday.