Life is a series of choices and circumstances.
Certain choices we make along the way open us to the unexpected, take us where we want to go or preclude us from a different path. We can be thrilled by the outcomes or beat ourselves up for years having made a “mistake”. Life is, of course, the sum of the decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way. The quality of our lives is dependent on the choices we make. But that is not to say that everything is a choice. There are many things in our lives that simply are not under our control. Where we live, the political and economic state, as well as the family we a born to, are not choices but circumstances that may provide great blessing and advantage or severely hinder and limit our options. While we do have the incredible power to make the most of any situation we do not hold the power to change many things that are just a reality.
This is what Holocaust survivor and psychologist/philosopher Viktor Frankl meant when he said,
” The last last of our freedoms is to choose our own attitude.”
This is the most important choice we make: How we react and act in the face of reality.
It has been popular in recent years to ascribe to the slogan,” you create your own reality”. This is a true statement in the sense that it is in choosing how we think and react to any circumstance that comes our way that we create our experience of it, our reality. Do we find the silver lining of opportunity in a job loss? Do we gain more spiritual depth after suffering a serious illness or accident? Do we dedicate our lives to helping others after witnessing social injustice or human suffering? Conversely, do we shield our hearts after a painful breakup and avoid future intimacy? Do we strike out in anger and violence as a reaction to being brutalized? Do we give up hope after failing and chose to walk with the pack rather than run independently with our dreams?
These types of choices create our reality. Not only in what we experience of the world but how we experience the world. Each reaction and choice inform the next in an unending interlocking puzzle that we may not have a clear picture of until all the pieces are in place.
However, I have never been a fan of the term you create your own reality. This rather odd for a life coach, as that kind of sentiment, is nearly professional jargon. In fact, it garners me a bit of scorn when I express my dislike of the idea. While I understand the truth and meaning of the statement as outlined earlier, I believe most of the time it is used entirely differently. Many people use this term literally as if they can create reality. There is a notion that one can conjure up anything; a prime parking spot, a romantic partner or a prosperous career.
In recent years post the Secret and in the throes of a booming self- help, guru filled modern world there has been a wonderful push to empower and enlighten that has unfortunately also served to cause shame and separation. Sure, it is uplifting and inspiring to believe in an unlimited version of yourself, view the world as an abundant place full of endless prosperity and opportunity, to be the master of your health and spirituality. These tenants are particularly easy to buy into if you are fortunate enough to live in a first world country, live a middle-class lifestyle, or enjoy the freedom of certain inalienable rights. But the prescription to work on the self to make everything else fall into alignment and that you can manifest any and all of your dreams is a hard pill to swallow when things do not go as planned. When one becomes ill, fails to reach their goals or suffers a tragedy the self-blame can be immense. Questioning what you did wrong in this life or even a past life that has made these hardships befall you or feeling you simply did not focus enough certainly does not inspire. There is nothing empowering or enlightening about guilt and shame these are the roots of self-rejection. When everything is up to you alone it paves the way for a lot of self-satisfied pride when times are good but despair and isolation when it is not. Adhering to a literal sense of the term you create your reality, actually, creates a slippery slope of blame and a lack of insight and understanding for those that suffer. We cannot ignore the fact that natural disaster, war, famine, child abuse, crime, genetic disorder and disease and more exist and afflict millions of people through no fault of their own. The millions of refugees, mostly women and children displaced and ravaged by war did not choose that reality. A mother that loses a child to birth defects or a tragic accident does not create those circumstances, acquiring a disease is not your fault or the outcome of negative thinking. All of these things are a part of human reality and have been since the beginning of time. We may want to think we have more control but it just not that simple. In fact, believing that we do can serve to separate us from our intrinsic greatness and that of others leaving us constantly struggling to be more, denying reality and insisting others cause all their own misfortune.
When I was in coaching school many years ago I had a lovely female classmate that was a cancer patient. She was a beautiful, and loving soul, she literally radiated positive energy and compassion. A young mother in her mid-thirties, she was battling rare cancer. Bald from chemotherapy she spoke of the struggle to understand her reality that she did not choose and also shared with us the insensitive comments of many of her new age enlightened friends. The statements and advice people gave her, such as she should be able to heal herself with the power of her mind, or inquiries about what dark sadness she held internally that had caused her illness were shocking and made a profound impression on me. Furthermore, working in healthcare for 15 years I witness firsthand disease, accidents and trauma daily including innocent infants born with tremendous health issues and countless people dealing with very difficult prognosis. In 2015 there were 35 million slaves in the world and 65 million girls denied education. These are results of being born poor or female or both in an area with little opportunity or freedom.These are a reality. It is enough to deal with the trials and tragedies of life without having to examine how you deserved or earned them. It does not help us to solve the issues of the world or to cultivate kindness and human compassion when we chose a simplistic notion that each individual causes all their own realities in a literal sense.
To believe we hold the secret to everything or a power to make what we want coming to fruition is magical thinking at best but also utterly egocentric and controlling. The best we can hope for is to control ourselves, chose well and make the most of what the world offers us.
It is how we chose to use what is put before us and within us that creates our reality. Not what we will into existence or earn through our disciplined practice or deeds.
To make the most of ourselves and our lives, to choose well is no easy task. We must be open, we must be free and we must be bold. This requires much discipline and practice. It requires focus, belief, and effort. But in this approach there is no shame, it actually enhances our sense of compassion and deepens our experience and connection with the world. We do our best and make our choices knowing that our best may sometimes fall short. We struggle to accept the inevitable disappointments in life and learn to understand that not everything can or should go our way. When we traverse tragedy or navigate the cycles in our lives that nothing seems to go our way we learn to relate to others that have suffered in the same way. There are certain bonds that humans share such as hope and love but deeper still is the common experience of loss and disappointment.
The familiar beauty of the serenity prayer says it best:
“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.
The courage to change the things I can and should
and the wisdom to know the difference.”
Teachings of manifesting or focusing on what you want, believing in your abilities, overcoming your own limiting thinking and maintaining optimism are unquestionably key ingredients for success and happiness. But these are ideals, not guarantees. Being realistic about the hardships and challenges of life and investing our energy in accepting what we do and do not have control over is powerful. Be clear about the most important choice you can make, the one that truly directs the quality of your life. That, as Frankl says is the choice of our attitude regardless of what we may face.
