Fall in Love with Your Life

I have the daunting task of speaking on this subject next Tuesday night. I have over 30 people registered for a free workshop on this very topic and while I am working on that presentation I have paused to organize my thoughts.

90 minutes to reveal the main themes of a better, happier, more meaningful life.

When I speak it is important to me that I give information that fulfills the promise of the topic, it must be useful, practical and easy to understand. I hope to inspire people to look at something in a new way and to take some new action towards their own objectives. If I can do that with just a handful of people, I think it is well worth the effort.

In creating this season’s topic: Fall in Love with Your Life my inspiration came from the same source that made me chose to work with people in the first place, rampant unhappiness, boredom and dissatisfaction. It is troubling how many of us are just not that thrilled with our lives. How common it is to center our conversations around a litany of complaints or declarations of boredom and frustration.

I think the reasons for this are complex and many, but In large part it is how we are raised. Growing up well behaved can dampen our passionate nature and encourage us to focus too much on the business of life.We are told to save the good stuff for when we have time, have finished all the important stuff or as a reward for being good. Since our upbringing typically also leaves us feeling not good enough we can get in the habit of severely limiting the things we most enjoy since we don’t really deserve them. 

If that is not enough, our culture bombards us with ideas and items that promise happiness but hold fleeting pleasure at best. With messages of beauty and youth, money and material goods being the route to the good life it is easy to see how we get off track.

There is a fundamental misunderstanding of what makes life good and a lack of encouragement to make it a priority to figure it out. It is as if we have all agreed to wait to be happy till we are done with the business of living. We can become convinced in fact, that ideas like meaning, purpose and happiness are esoteric and flaky. 

For these reasons and others by the time we hit midlife we may have forgotten what it is we enjoy. I cannot tell you how many times I begin to work with a client over 40 that cannot answer the question of what they really want. Some of us have learned to give up, having been beaten down with disappointment and rejection we chose to play it safe. Unfortunately, safe is not a defining feature of the passionate life. We tune out due to fear and a lack of direction and inspiration making matters even worse.

But underneath it all our soul yearns for more. As much as we want to deny it it will needle away at us to seek a passionate life. Just listen to the discontent, complaints, longings and dreams and you will hear your own soul calling to you. 

So what do we need to love our life?

 I think we need to pay more attention to how we feel rather than what we think. The brain loves logic, it’s focus is on safety and tasks that must be done. The soul is emotion, experiences and connection. While both are important it is our soul that will lead us to a life that we love. To discover a life that you love is to learn to listen to yourself, to trust what you feel as your guide. To spend more of your time on the business of the soul than the preoccupations of the mind and to embrace it. To love your life you must live it. Live is a verb by the way just like love.

Live a Life You Love

Reset. Stop. Remember. Reconnect to what you love and value. What makes you happy, what you enjoy, what you once dreamed of, what you are really good at.

Awareness Who you are & what you crave

Acceptance All that you are and the reality around you. Be a good friend to you.

Appreciate Everything. There is so much beauty in the world around us. Through our experiences we learn joy, strength or compassion. 

Act Do more of what you love and less of the stuff you don’t. Things will be different once you start doing different things.

Acorns and Oak Trees

The biggest struggle human beings face is to reach their potentials and simply enjoy their lives. It seems odd that we need seemingly endless instruction, redirection, tips and tools to happily and successfully navigate our own lives. After all, isn’t it in our nature to instinctively develop into all that we are? Why is it so darn hard?

It seems other things in nature more easily and readily unfold. An acorn needs no instruction, if it is lucky enough to fall on solid ground and get the right nutrition it can develop into the oak tree it was always meant to be.

Just as the acorn has everything it needs within it to become a tall, strong oak tree, we have within us everything we need to be a beautiful human soul, capable of infinite, amazing things. Like the acorn we develop best when we are fortunate enough to fall on solid ground and receive the right nutrients to grow into all we can be. However, there are a whole lot of acorns out there that get gobbled up, crushed, swept away or may even put down roots but never fully mature.

I think this is an apt analogy to humans. In all of nature the worth and value of a thing is inherent, all the ingredients are there to reach the potentials of that being. At the same time, there are many factors that can help or hinder whether the potential is actually met. The more complex the creature the more complex these factors are, they can even be tragic. Humans  are so advanced that our own arrogance can become a hindrance. Fooling us into forgetting our place in nature and that the rules of acorns apply to us as well.

For all our advanced development we struggle to reconnect to our essential nature and can lose sight of what we already have or really need to develop into all we are meant to be. While we too can certainly face harsh environments, get gobbled up and swept away by countless predators or fail to be offered the nutrients we need, we retain the ability to start again at any time. We can chose to reconnect to everything we need to get our shot at becoming all that we are. Unlike acorns, humans have an amazing capacity for creativity, healing and resilience. We just need to take the time to remember the nature of who we are, discover what is in the way and chose to grow despite any factors threatening to get in our way. The secret so many of us fail to discover is that in becoming all that we are we will find our greatest joy. It is in our struggle to grow and pursue what is most important to us that we find we are enjoying our lives along the way.

Here is how to get out of your own way and grow

The thing that most stands in the way of the life you want to live is the life you are living now. We must be willing to let go of what and where we are to grow into what we are meant to be.

Make Time & Space We get on a hamster wheel in our lives filling our time with tasks that must be done. Many of these hold little meaning or fulfillment . Exhausted we fill the space around those tasks with mindless background noise and passive activities that seem relaxing but are really just numbing. We leave so little time to dream, to listen to a far off call, to remember a long ago dream. Rule number one is to create space to just be. Meditate, connect with nature, do anything creative and engaging. You will know you have it when you feel in the zone, at peace or fully alive.

Accept Your Divine Nature Okay, so if an acorn is special enough to hold within it a master plan for a powerful oak tree what might be within you if you place yourself on solid ground? One thing that little acorn has on us is it is not advanced enough to doubt itself. Get back to basics accept that you are a miraculous creation destined for great things. It matters not if you fell on rocky ground and have been told you will never be an oak you just have to remember regardless of what anyone says you are a creation unto itself with magnificent potential waiting to unfold.

Get Up and Grow Let’s say like me that where you landed is not the best place to take root. Or maybe you need some nutrients to fully develop. Identify what you need and chose what is best for you. It can be painful to recognize when you are not in the right place or the relationships you are in are not supportive or positive. The truth is the pain stops not long after you move on. There are billions of people out there to connect with and many places you can put down roots and start anew, be open and the world will be open to you.

Spending Time

How do you spend your time?

It is a heavily weighted question one that we need to pause and ask ourselves on a regular basis. We all lament how fast time passes and the way this seems to quicken as we age. TIme is our most valuable commodity yet we exchange it for things that do not hold much value everyday.

• How much time will be spent on activities you enjoy?
• How much will be shared with people you love and love you in return?
• How many moments will be spent acquiring knowledge and wisdom or a new talent or skill?
• How much time today have you set aside to care for your health?
• How many hours will you spend feeding your soul?
• How much time is set aside for chores that have to be done?
• How many precious moments will be squandered waiting?
• How many hours will you exchange in work to earn money?
• How much of is hijacked by things or people you do not care to engage with?
• How much of your time is spent looking back or planning ahead rather than being present?

Every moment matters. Every moment is a choice and all these moments add up to be the totality of our lives. It is the most precious yet most taken for granted commodity there is. Time.

Although we love to measure it and constantly try to manipulate it, our time is largely unaccounted for and completely unpredictable. We usually vacillate between thinking we have all the time in the world to feeling we are running out of time.

We fool ourselves with clocks, alarms, schedules and stop watches that we have a handle on this and manage our time well. But are we really spending our time on what matters?

I think for me and for most of us the answer is no. 

If we really considered how little time we have and how many things we can fill it with I think our days would be spent much differently. Women in particular tend to give our time to others, we want to be caring and nice, we want to make everything right for our family and friends often at great personal expense. We fool ourselves into thinking our time will come and we keep putting ourselves and our dreams in the backset. But both men and women put off what they want to do to take care of what they think they have to do and tell themselves they will do what they really want next time. How arrogant and short sighted this is, as if we have the luxury of limitless time. We do not. Each of us has a limit. While our souls are infinite our bodies and this world are not and we cannot predict what the next moment will hold despite our best planning and intentions. 

Maybe that is why we take time for granted. It is just too scary to think in terms of the reality of it. Time is immeasurable and invaluable. We cannot fathom it try as we might so we do not think about it. It amazes me how willing we all are to fill it with stuff that is empty and unfulfilling.

I am not immune to this. I put off goals that I had for myself as a young woman using the excuse it would take too much time, getting an advanced degree for instance, seemed like a long road so I settled for a lesser degree that also was far less interesting. I have put many things off in my life like starting my business waiting for the right time. There are so many examples of waiting or of rushing that are a result of a lack of appreciation of the time I have and the clarity to understand I do not know how much more I will get.

This is why I think hitting the pause button is the best thing we can do once in awhile to be sure what we are doing each moment and each day counts. Does this mean we have to spend all our time in series pursuits and impressive accomplishments? Absolutely yes and no. It means we need to evaluate or time to be grateful for it and to use it wisely in a way that best suits us. 

People always ask how do you create a happy meaningful life? It is by stringing together happy meaningful moments. Seize the time you have and use it to create the life you want.

Use Stress & Anxiety to Live Better

Stress and anxiety are very common complaints, both can wreck havoc on our lives and on our health.

These terms are used interchangeably but are actually different. Identifying which one is playing a role, getting to the root of it can help to manage or alleviate the symptoms and actually help you to live a better life.

Symptoms of stress and anxiety can look and feel the same:  Headaches, tense muscles, upset stomach, overwhelm, crying, fatigue, depression, nervousness, tension. 

What symptoms do you suffer?

Basically stress is a response to a situation or circumstances you perceive you do not have the resources such as time, money, knowledge and ability to deal with. It is feeling inadequate in some way to deal with the issue at hand. This is why we frequently say “I can’t handle this”.

Anxiety is often more sneaky. It can arise as a very physical feeling and many times we do not recognize what is causing it. Think of times you had the pit in your stomach, lump in your throat, jittery nervousness. Anxiety is related to our brains limbic system and can in some cases be part of a medical disorder. If you have been plagued with long bouts or even lifelong anxiety and fear a doctor is in order. Just like any other organ the brain has disorders that can require medical intervention. However, feeling mild to moderate anxiety on occasion can occur when we are not being true to ourselves and we are not in tune with what is out of synch.

 While most of us try to avoid feelings like these for good reasons, it does serve a purpose and can be of benefit. Rather than cover up these feelings or complain about them we can gain valuable insight and direction from them.

 When working correctly stress and anxiety function as our body’s alarm clock, a way to signal when we are off track, are overloaded and need to step back or realign ourselves. Learning to recognize, listen and respond enables us to work with our bodies and brains which immediately bring our stress level down and happiness level up. 

Simple steps to use stress and anxiety to actually improve your life.

1. Stop. When you notice those uncomfortable feelings, pause to make time to examine them
2. Is there a demand on your time, money or self you feel unable to meet? If so, is it true or self doubt? 
3. Gather resources to meet the demands ask for help or realize you are more capable than you think.
4. Chose differently. Many times we do not have to do anything. Can you say no, delegate or avoid?
5. Are you going against your own interests or values?
6. Stop the habit of a stressful mindset. Stay in the moment rather than listing all you have to do.
7. Take control, make a plan. Focus your energy in a proactive way. Knowing what you will do will help you feel better. Break down the steps and chose to take action rather than feel overwhelmed or defeated.
8. Self care weekly habits such as exercise, fun, spirituality, nutrition help us balance our lives to be at our best to meet life’s inevitable challenges. Make it a priority to take care of you.

What If The Only Person That Can Change The World Is You?

photo Juan Flores

I saw a man today with a t-shirt on that said Jesus is the solution. It gave me pause to think about that and with all due respect heartily disagree. 
I do not discount the power of prayer or discredit anyones faith however, humans have been generously
equipped to handle and solve most of our problems. Unfortunately, most of the time we chose not to. This of course applies to our personal lives and problems but also to the big issues that face our world today.

When I think about the complex problems we face in our community, country and world in general most of them are rooted in human behavior. From a young age social ills and injustice have weighed heavy on me but the last few years I have become more and more disturbed by trends of random shootings and other violence, the lack of courtesy and respect and rampant racism of all types. We have younger more violent criminals, increasing segregation and hate and maybe most disturbing an overwhelming lack of response to these horrific problems. I hear people comment on the latest shootings with less outrage and horror remarking that it is just the way it is now. But it is not just the big tragic events but the everyday lack of well …decency.

Complacency is the greatest accomplice to any injustice. I am unsure where I got this idea but from a young age I felt to witness something wrong and do nothing made me a part of the problem.
Watching the news we can quickly become jaded and cynical with report after report of abuse, crime, violence and corruption. It seems bad news and celebrity nonsense is all we see but of course we know better, there are countless tales of kindness and goodness, people doing tireless work to help or care for others just usually quietly and behind the scenes. Nonetheless, it is difficult to know what to do and easy to be fooled into thinking that you cannot make a difference.

But what if you are the person that can change the world to be a better place?

I have news for you my friend, you are that person ...we all are in fact. The truth is most of our problems can only be solved by each individual making an effort to chose differently for themselves and their families. The huge social ills we face start with small roots that form in our minds, homes, schools and community.

The shift to change the world is not to be found in a herculean effort no one has the time or energy to create but in countless small shifts within each of us to be open minded, kind and compassionate.
How can you become more tolerant and respective?
How can you treat others with more compassion?
How can you reject a culture and media inundated with violence?
How can you model and lead compassionate responsible behavior to the children in your care?
How can you seek out roots of these problems in your own home and community and start there to make a difference now?

If each of us acted in a different way the world would be a different place. It is as simple and difficult as to be more patient and polite, act with kindness and concern, feed your mind with more good than bad, lend a hand. All this creates an energy that is contagious.

The truth is the longer we look outside ourselves for a solution the longer and larger our problems will be. We have each been equipped with the ability to do good or bad to be open or rejecting, we have free will. Humans have incredible minds to create destruction or beauty and limitless depths of compassion if we chose to open our hearts and see ourselves or our God in each other.
So while I think that prayer and faith can be powerful I believe it can lull us into looking elsewhere for a intervention that has already been sent. In christianity and most religion the mandates have been sent. You are equipped to change the world. How you live is crucial to the solution. Now what are you going to do about it?

Training for the 1K

I like to do a lot of athletic things but I am not and never have been an athlete.
 There are several reasons for this: I was not raised in a physical or sports environment, my family neither participated or watched sports. I was rather awkward and very self conscious growing up. In gym class I was not picked till last for a team with good reason which fed my insecurity.  I am not naturally coordinated and have to practice to learn physical activities. I am not competitive. Since I was not inherently good at these things or encouraged to cultivate this part of myself I became satisfied to stay on the sidelines. However, I understand the importance of physical activity as well as the value and satisfaction of organized sports. As I have gotten older and raised children that are athletic I always made the importance of physical activity part of a healthy family lifestyle, I have increasingly participated and enjoyed more athletic things as a result. However, I am still not an athlete.

This Spring I reluctantly agreed to run with my youngest daughter as she prepared for a 5 k. Despite the fact that I have been a regular gym goer for the past 20 years and look rather fit, I discovered I am in terrible shape.

Running has always been painful, even as a child I hated it and used my mild asthma as an excuse to avoid it in school as best I could. In retrospect the reason I could not run was simply that I was an out of shape kid that did not move enough. But what was this about now? I do 30 -45 minutes of cardio several times a week, hike, bike and enjoy various physical activities. I was frustrated by my inability and frankly a bit annoyed. I could not run more than a couple blocks.  I somehow forgot how to breath effectively, my legs, feet and back hurt. I kept thinking:" I hate running”, it became a mantra. But soon I decided the only thing I hated more than running was my inability to run. It seemed to me that any able bodied human ought to be able to run a mile with out feeling like they are going to die. It was just a basic skill I should have so I set out to acquire it.

I am not one to push myself physically so I just got into the habit of run/walking in my neighborhood on occasion, 1 or 2 times a week if weather and time allowed. After a few unpleasant times with no improvement I told my daughter I was giving up,  after all,  it did not matter if I could run a mile or not. She quickly corrected me and pointed out that it certainly did matter that I do what I set out to do and not give in just because it was hard. Don’t you hate it when they use your logic right back at you? And so began my training for a 1k. It has been fun to tell others of my 1k training as well, people are easily underwhelmed.

It is Labor Day and I have still not met my goal to comfortably run a mile but I have gained many insights. I have realized that I give up too quickly when I become uncomfortable. That I do not like to do things I am not good at. That I will stop short even when the end is in sight when I do not like how I feel.  That I am willing to scale back my expectations of myself and be okay with good enough.  These realizations came to me while running as did the connection to other areas of my life these concepts applied to. How did I stop short on other goals when it seemed hard or uncomfortable? What other things did I avoid doing because I was not as good at them? When did I make excuses? Where was I settling? I realized to learn to run I had to be okay with being uncomfortable, I had to learn to push myself and this was just not a strong suit for me which meant I really needed to do it both in running and in other areas of my life.

I have added running a mile comfortably to my to do list before I turn 50 next February. I am working on it slowly and have seen small improvements. I am able to run just a bit farther, breathe a bit more easily and recover a bit more rapidly. I appreciate now why people enjoy running, not only for the  physical release and exercise but also for the freedom and victory it offers. I have had moments where the pain of the concrete fades while I rise briefly but blissfully to a second of flight. I imagine the thrill it might be one day when the concrete disappears and the flying remains.

I am not an athlete. I do not plan to take flight at least not as a runner. But I am glad I have taken on what is such a seemingly small, simple goal and thankful for the insights it provides. Sometimes we think that what we need to achieve must be big and lofty to hold much reward or satisfaction but I think often times big lessons and insights are available to us in the things others take for granted. The brief moments of running with my head held high contain a promise of what can be reached if I push past the discomfort and just deal with the pain. Maybe the pain is necessary after all, just a part of the process to learn to do what I have been able to do all along if I am just willing to to stick with it. I know that I will run a mile soon and if I grow to like it I may even run beyond that goal, but more importantly I will learn in the process of this small task enough about myself to help me reach other goals as well.