There are several reasons for this: I was not raised in a physical or sports environment, my family neither participated or watched sports. I was rather awkward and very self conscious growing up. In gym class I was not picked till last for a team with good reason which fed my insecurity. I am not naturally coordinated and have to practice to learn physical activities. I am not competitive. Since I was not inherently good at these things or encouraged to cultivate this part of myself I became satisfied to stay on the sidelines. However, I understand the importance of physical activity as well as the value and satisfaction of organized sports. As I have gotten older and raised children that are athletic I always made the importance of physical activity part of a healthy family lifestyle, I have increasingly participated and enjoyed more athletic things as a result. However, I am still not an athlete.
This Spring I reluctantly agreed to run with my youngest daughter as she prepared for a 5 k. Despite the fact that I have been a regular gym goer for the past 20 years and look rather fit, I discovered I am in terrible shape.Running has always been painful, even as a child I hated it and used my mild asthma as an excuse to avoid it in school as best I could. In retrospect the reason I could not run was simply that I was an out of shape kid that did not move enough. But what was this about now? I do 30 -45 minutes of cardio several times a week, hike, bike and enjoy various physical activities. I was frustrated by my inability and frankly a bit annoyed. I could not run more than a couple blocks. I somehow forgot how to breath effectively, my legs, feet and back hurt. I kept thinking:" I hate running”, it became a mantra. But soon I decided the only thing I hated more than running was my inability to run. It seemed to me that any able bodied human ought to be able to run a mile with out feeling like they are going to die. It was just a basic skill I should have so I set out to acquire it.
I am not one to push myself physically so I just got into the habit of run/walking in my neighborhood on occasion, 1 or 2 times a week if weather and time allowed. After a few unpleasant times with no improvement I told my daughter I was giving up, after all, it did not matter if I could run a mile or not. She quickly corrected me and pointed out that it certainly did matter that I do what I set out to do and not give in just because it was hard. Don’t you hate it when they use your logic right back at you? And so began my training for a 1k. It has been fun to tell others of my 1k training as well, people are easily underwhelmed.
It is Labor Day and I have still not met my goal to comfortably run a mile but I have gained many insights. I have realized that I give up too quickly when I become uncomfortable. That I do not like to do things I am not good at. That I will stop short even when the end is in sight when I do not like how I feel. That I am willing to scale back my expectations of myself and be okay with good enough. These realizations came to me while running as did the connection to other areas of my life these concepts applied to. How did I stop short on other goals when it seemed hard or uncomfortable? What other things did I avoid doing because I was not as good at them? When did I make excuses? Where was I settling? I realized to learn to run I had to be okay with being uncomfortable, I had to learn to push myself and this was just not a strong suit for me which meant I really needed to do it both in running and in other areas of my life.
I have added running a mile comfortably to my to do list before I turn 50 next February. I am working on it slowly and have seen small improvements. I am able to run just a bit farther, breathe a bit more easily and recover a bit more rapidly. I appreciate now why people enjoy running, not only for the physical release and exercise but also for the freedom and victory it offers. I have had moments where the pain of the concrete fades while I rise briefly but blissfully to a second of flight. I imagine the thrill it might be one day when the concrete disappears and the flying remains.
I am not an athlete. I do not plan to take flight at least not as a runner. But I am glad I have taken on what is such a seemingly small, simple goal and thankful for the insights it provides. Sometimes we think that what we need to achieve must be big and lofty to hold much reward or satisfaction but I think often times big lessons and insights are available to us in the things others take for granted. The brief moments of running with my head held high contain a promise of what can be reached if I push past the discomfort and just deal with the pain. Maybe the pain is necessary after all, just a part of the process to learn to do what I have been able to do all along if I am just willing to to stick with it. I know that I will run a mile soon and if I grow to like it I may even run beyond that goal, but more importantly I will learn in the process of this small task enough about myself to help me reach other goals as well.
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