Voices in the Night

I have been having a few sleepless nights lately largely due to my shoulder injury and waking up with annoying pain, but a couple times I have been kept awake by a deluge of thoughts.
A couple of my close friends have been experiencing the same thing, voices in your head that will not quiet to let you rest.  I think there are times when this noise needs our attention and other times when it just needs to shut up.

Several years ago I experienced this regularly while going through my divorce and dealing with transitions and struggles with my teenagers. It was difficult.
It seemed at night when I finally had a break from the 3 jobs I was working and the necessary tasks of caring for my home and children I often found myself exhausted but with heavy thoughts standing in my way of much needed rest.
I dealt with this by waking up an journalling my thoughts as well as possible solutions and step by step plans to deal with whatever was on my mind. It seemed to work well once I attended to the thoughts they let me rest.

I think that there are times in our lives when our day time hours are so full of distraction that we just cannot get to everything, but our minds do not accept that we are just too busy and will make some noise to get our attention. Or maybe there are pressing issues you chose to ignore in your life, the subconscious mind may not have gotten that memo so it goes to work when you least expect it, some things simply will not be ignored.  It is like tending to a small child that will not stop crying till he is heard and cared for. As annoying as it can be, it can also be purposeful and productive. It may allow us to be proactive when there are things that require our attention, even when we may have wanted to ignore them all together. Sometimes our subconscious knows better and will prod us to take action. Some of my best plans and deepest insights have come in these restless, quiet and sleepless moments.

There are also times when the annoying voices in the night are just that, annoying. We all have a constant companion that narrates and comments on our lives and it is often nothing but useless thoughts or idle chatter that steals our sleep. Regrets over things that are already done, playing out possibilities for things that may not even come our way and agonizing over meaningless minutia of the coming day or week certainly do not fall under the category of pressing issues requiring immediate attention.

Restless nights and noisy voices are frustrating and even more than that, detrimental to our health. We often underestimate the importance of rest to our overall health but research is conclusive that sleep impacts everything from brain function to aging and even weight. There are volumes written about healthy habits for better sleep and of course many medications to use to help make it through the night as well. I think for the occasional sleeplessness we all occasionally suffer that are due to the voices I describe, a simple approach is best.

I suggest that you first discern which type of voices are taunting you. Is it real issues that you need to attend to or more of the white noise or  useless worry variety that fills your brain and steals your sleep?

For the type that are a legitimate concern, rather than toss and turn take out a journal. Let your thoughts fill the page as they come, do not be concerned about format or even if it makes any sense, just write till you are done. If you are inspired, write down some small or detailed plan of what you will do in the day time to address this issue. Often, this exercise may be enough to release what is bothering you and you can get some sleep.  If these types of thoughts tend to trouble you it is a good idea to have a paper and pen by the bedside at the ready. If you find this to be very frequent you may want to be proactive and do some journaling before you tuck yourself in for the night as part of your bedtime routine. I think this practice of writing thoughts down and maybe some solutions or plans as you have them, can be very powerful to bring awareness and organization to your thoughts to help you find peace and rest.

The other idle chatter can be bothersome both day and night and rob us of any real relaxation at all.
The best way to combat this is to gain a better control of your brain and thinking altogether. This is best achieved through meditation and physical exercise. Many people falsely believe that cannot meditate successfully because they do not know how or when they have tried they were unable to turn off their brains so gave up. There are many myths about mediation, but the most undermining is the idea that you need to have no thoughts or some profoundly peaceful experience to benefit. This is just not true.

There are many methods to help you meditate and the benefits are too long to list. Better sleep, less anxiety and depression, lower blood pressure, decreased stress and so on. The key is to find a method or two to use and do it regularly. Think of it as maintaining a healthy brain and just like our bodies that require regular nutrition and exercise, mediation benefits us greatly with regular practice. Overtime the results will be subtle but profound. Physical exercise benefits our bodies certainly but also our minds as we physically work through our thoughts and release stress, sleep may come more easily.

 I am a trained Transcendental meditator, this wonderful practice requires two 40 min sessions per day. I did this for quite some time and really enjoyed the peace it added to my life. But I admit I fell out of practice and do not usually carve out the time for that lately. In fact I have been meaning to jumpstart my practice by visiting my teacher for a refresher soon. For now,  I use 10 - 30 minute guided sessions daily that offer an oasis midpoint in my day and somehow both give me rest and reenergize me.

Take the steps you need to quiet the voices in the night. You will find that not only will your nights be more peaceful and restful but the rest of your life will improve dramatically as well.

Resources for Meditation:

Headspace phone app and online resource provide quick guided meditation that not only instructs you on how to begin your practice but dispels myths and explains benefits all with an awesome accent! Free 10 min for ten days app on the phone is a great way to start. I have been using those ten days for months.  Yes, 10 minutes a day makes a big difference.
https://www.headspace.com

Brain Sync
Recorded meditations you can download on a variety of topics that have brain wave ethnology built in to help you meditate more easily and deeply. They have free down load to try.
http://www.brainsync.com/deep-meditation.html

Transcendental Mediation This method uses a perusal mantra and requires professional instruction. It was made popular decades ago by the Beetles but has mad a resurgence with devotees like Oprah and Dr Oz as well as many people from all walks of life, like me.
http://www.tm.org/?leadsource=CRM662

Dropping The F- Bomb

It is the biggie, the killer, the mother of all four letter words…FEAR.

It has a huge impact in our lives, possibly a bigger impact in YOUR life than you may realize.

Most of the time we think of fear in the obvious ways: fear of heights, of failure or success for that matter. Fear of dogs, being alone, rejection. These can all be crippling for sure, but fear is even more insidious. It can creep into all areas of our lives and is the undercurrent to many other negative emotions.

When it get's right down to it all motivation comes from emotion.  We do things because of how they feel or how we want to feel so all our behavior is based on emotions as well.

 While it may seem there are dozens of emotions they're actually all simply different expressions or manifestations of the two underlying ones that rule our lives: Fear and Love.

Fear is closed, judgmental, rejecting. It seeks to hinder, protect, hold back, restrict. It is destructive.
Love is open, accepting, curious, embracing. It seeks to celebrate, experience, expand and grow. It is creative.

Think about the emotions of hate, joy, guilt, compassion, adventure, you can quickly see where these feelings fall.

One of the problems with fear that we often overlook is that as the opposite of love it gets in our way of experiencing and expressing love in our lives.
 When we have fear it blocks our ability to truly experience all the great stuff available to us. It does this by restricting what we can share but also by limiting what we will allow in. It is important to realize that the walls we build to protect ourselves from bad stuff coming in keeps the good stuff out as well. This is obviously a huge stumbling block in relationships and a killer of true intimacy. It causes us to hold back pieces of ourselves or to feel jealous, suspicious and untrusting. To a large extent the quality of our personal relationships and certainly the depth of them is completely dependent on how much we are able to let go of fear and fully open to love. Fear is the reason we do not have deeper and more meaningful relationships. It keeps us from accepting and embracing others and from trusting them and ourselves enough to create the connections we yearn for. It seeps into the relationships we have and plays with our insecurities and ignites flare ups. While we carefully seek out someone to trust and rely on, it is crucial we learn to trust ourselves so that we can be free enough to share all of who we are with another. Sure, we all have been hurt, but for many of us that hurt plays a role throughout our lives if we let it continue to limit us.

Fear not only cripples our being open to people but also being open to experiences as well. This happens when we decide not to try something new, afraid we may not like it or could get hurt or disappointed. We allow the possibility of a negative experience to prevent discovering something new that we may really enjoy. Some folks refuse to travel lest something happen to them, try a new restaurant or activity, "what if I don't like it?" they protest. Well, what if you do?
 We forget that everything we currently enjoy at one time was new to us and may have even been a bit scary or hard.

Another aspect of fear that we fail to fully realize is the impact it has on our ability to pursue our dreams. We do not want to fail, or appear stupid. We have limiting beliefs about our abilities and multiple insecurities than can undermine our potential to succeed in both professional and personal pursuits. We are all familiar with this type of fear; of rejection, success, failure. We hedge our bets in a way, not pouring ourselves 100% into our endeavor so that if we fail we can comfort ourselves with the knowledge we did not really give it our all. When you think about it it makes no sense right? But we all know it is true.

Sometimes we hold ourselves back because what we truly want contradicts with a belief or value we strongly hold. These types of fears are often more deeply hidden. "Can I be a great Mother and be successful in my own business?"This one played in my head for years and gave me an excuse to wait till my children grew up to really pursue what I wanted for myself. Even now it can catch me up, having conflicting beliefs about caring for others first or attending to my own dreams. This is a big one for many women and is very complex and deeply rooted in culture, families and tied to our very identity as nurturing women.

Fear can be sneaky too and keep us stuck in jobs that we do not like or in relationships that do not serve us or may even be abusive. It is fear that something better is not out there for us that binds us to things we do not even want. This type of fear may be the worse because when we keep what we do not want it makes us unhappy but also fills the space blocking what we do want to come into our lives.

Sometimes wanting something is not enough. Working toward it is great but we must also let go of what we do not want to make room for it to fit into our lives. Letting go is frightening, what if we are left with less than what we have? So we settle. Fear is what makes people settle in all aspects of their lives for less than they want and certainly less than what is available to them. We fool ourselves into thinking something is better than nothing, but is it really? And might that something be standing in the way of something far better?

The F Bomb is a biggie. There is much to be explored and written.
In just these few examples we can see the way it interferes with our lives and undermines our achievements and happiness.

Something this pervasive has just got to go but how does one drop the F- bomb exactly?

First launch a search and destroy mission.
Shine a light in all the corners of our life and discover where fear is lurking and how it is undermining you.
Next, go to battle. Challenging your thinking and finding the truth, most fear is irrational after all.
Thirdly, develop courage. Do not wait for fear to pass, it may never completely, just have the courage to move forward despite fear, that is bravery. Remember who you are and what you are capable of, take stock of past achievements and build on strengths, recognize all you have already handled, use those truths to support you.

The keys to living the life that we want always begins with knowing ourselves, trusting ourselves and being true ourselves. Dropping the F-bomb takes some concentrated effort, but letting go of fear will explode your life with more happiness, success and meaning. It is well worth the effort to live this precious life as boldly and fully as we can because there is nothing more scary than spending our lives not living the way that we want.

The Impact of Hang Nails

The other day while I was busy working I noticed a hang nail on my left index finger. Once I noticed it I could not keep form trying to rub it off, pick at it and even bite it, all to no avail. For over an hour it tormented me as I reluctantly went about my business all the while distracted by this very tiny rough spot bordering my nail until I finally was able to borrow some nail clippers from a kind soul and rid myself of this incredible irritant.
I am sure you can relate to this scenario. Be it a hang nail, a splinter, a mosquito bite, there are times we become inordinately focused on a very small area and can feel nothing else.

It occurred to me while this nail was pestering me the other day how incredibly small a part of my being it was, minuscule in fact. The rest of me was in great shape; healthy, comfortable, safe, fed and so on yet this tiny thing was all I could think about.

How often do we let life's hang nails take center stage?

How often do we focus on that one aspect that is not just right, that one negative comment,  that one thing we screwed up, that one thing missing and let that dictate our mood or distract us from all the other things that are going well in our lives?

I think for most of us far too often.  In fact, for many of us it has become a habit.

It is in our nature to focus on the negative more heavily, part of our survival instinct I suppose, but that part of our nature also undermines our well being.

We get caught up in circuitous negative thinking that gets us further down the rabbit hole and farther away from what we really want, to feel good and be happy. We replay scenarios that have already occurred, remind ourselves of past pains, and catalog our shortcomings.
We allow tiny blips of irritation in our day to throw everything else off. We chose to hang on to the one thing that went wrong rather than all the things that are going right.

It helps to become aware of this habit and catch ourselves when we start obsessively focusing on the small irritating stuff rather than celebrate or at least appreciate the other things that are good in our lives.
Once you become aware you can chose to shift your focus with some of the nail clipper solutions listed below.

Nail clippers to trim negative thinking:

• Gratitude: list what you are grateful for
• Meditate: Slow down reconnect 
• Get physical: Exercise, dance, go for a walk, moving your body shifts your mind
• Forgive: Release the energy and negative emotion from things that have already happened 
• Accept: Everything as it is then deal in reality rather than wishful thinking or regret
• Connect: To what is meaningful to you and brings you peace; nature, friends, animals, reading, music, all can be calming, healing and restorative

The best way to cure a hang nail is to prevent it. Keep things smooth by using these nail clippers regularly. Researchers posit that up  to 90% of our thinking and behavior is habitual. But we have the ability with a bit of effort and repetition to chose what our habits are. 

How might your life change if you spent more time focusing on the good stuff in your life rather than getting distracted and distraught over the hang nails that inevitably come along?

Julia Skeesick, CPC. CEO of LifeScape Strategies works with clients to define and create lives of their own design. She provides private and group coaching workshops seminars and retreats that support more freedom success balance and happiness in both our personal and professional lives, learn more http://www.lifescapestrategies.com