The Freedom of Love

Most of the time committed relationships get a bad rap. They are regarded as a loss of freedom and independence to the parties involved. Many people avoid them and are labeled “commitmentphobes”. Others cling to a false idea of self reliance and deny the need for others to make their lives complete or happy. This thinking is perpetuated by strong media and social messages that portray nagging or jealous spouses and partners telling each other white lies or having to ask permission of the other to do something fun. While all these scenarios may indeeed play out in relationships, many relationships are less than ideal and if these factors are present clearly need some tending to.

In reality, healthy relationships are liberating. They provide safe haven for us to fully be all that we are. Whether with close friends, family or lovers, they offer the freedom to drop our facades and get real. We can of course fully be ourselves independently, we can live our lives by our own values and standards if we chose. But humans require close connection and there is no better mirror into our own soul than the reflection of it in anothers eyes.  "No man is an island unto himself,"as Donne famously wrote. There simply are elements of life and of ourselves that can only be fully explored in partnership with someone we trust and connect with deeply.

The prevalent idea of strength and independence is highly valued in America. Needing another is weak, create your own happiness, stand on your own two feet, blaze your own trail and everything you need is within you, are ideas that may have some truth to them. I embrace self reliance and always have, partly because I came from a background with noone to rely on. I too have bought into this notion for many years and have had to overcome my own fears to fully reveal myself to experience the amazing power of this type of freedom. Codependent relationships abound and it is not pretty, it makes sense that we want to gaurd against that. But it is easy to think that shunning codependence and embracing independence excludes interdependence, which is the healthy way that two people support each other and grow more as individuals as a result. This becomes a playground of self discovery, understanding, compassion and joy. In my opinion, this connection is divine and a crucial part of our life purpose.

However, these relationships are rare. People are busy and self focused. We are becoming increasingly impatient and fixated on speed and ease, all things that do not foster intimacy. Relationships take time to develop and care to flourish. Healthy relationships require people that are healthy as individuals and have a high enough level of self acceptance to be able to offer it to another.  They also require risk. All of us have been rejected and hurt and none of us likes it one bit. It takes a good deal of courage to really put yourself out there and risk the pain of rejection. For many people that risk is too scary so they settle for far less or convince themselves they do not need anyone but secretly still yearn. That is a shame, because in doing so they limit the freedom they have to become all that they are.

When we do find one person or maybe a small band of people that provides these beautiful playgrounds for us we must recognize it and treasure it as the gift it is and be willing to set aside our fear and come out and play with all we’ve got. In truth you have nothing to lose. Realtionships do not have to be forever to be valuable. Even pain and loss offer insight and compassion. Look for the relationships that allow you to be seen and accepted as you are and allow you the rare privledge to do that for someone else I assure you you will be richly rewarded.

Reflect on the people in your life that have given the freedom of this sacred space to you and offer a moment of gratitude.

How can you cultivate more freedom to be deeply intimate in your current relationships?

To whom and how do you offer this to others?

What, if anything holds you back?

The Freedom of Love

Most of the time committed intimate relationships get a bad rap. They are regarded as a loss of freedom and independence to the parties involved. Many people avoid them and are labeled “commitmentphobes”, others cling to a false ideas of self reliance and deny the need for others to make their lives complete or happy. This thinking is perpetuated by strong media and social messages that portray nagging or jealous spouses and partners telling each other white lies or having to ask permission of the other to do something fun. While all these scenarios may indeeed play out in relationships, many relationships are less than ideal and if these factors are present clearly need some tending to.

In reality, healthy relationships are liberating. They provide safe haven for us to fully be all that we are. Whether with close friends, family or lovers, they offer the freedom to drop our facades and get real. We can of course fully be ourselves independently, we can live our lives by our own values and standards if we chose. But humans require close connection and there is no better mirror into our own soul than the reflection in anothers eyes that is seeing it.  "No man is an island unto himself,"as Donne famously wrote. There simply are elements of life and of ourselves that can only be fully explored in partnership with someone we trust and connect with deeply.

The prevalent idea of strength and independence is highly valued in America. Needing another is weak, create your own happiness, stand on your own two feet, blaze your own trail and everything you need is within you, are ideas that have some truth to them. I embrace self reliance and always have, partly because I came from a background with no one to rely on. I too have bought into this notion for many years and have had to overcome my own fears to fully reveal myself to experience the amazing power of this type of freedom. Codependent relationships abound and it is not pretty, it makes sense that we want to gaurd against that. But it is easy to think that shunning codependence and embracing independence excludes interdependence, which is the healthy way that two people support each other and grow more as individuals as a result. This becomes a playground of self discovery, understanding compassion and joy. In my opinion, this connection is divine and a crucial part of our life purpose.

However, these relationships are rare. People are busy and self focused. We are becoming increasingly impatient and fixated on speed and ease, all things that do not foster intimacy. Relationships take time to develop and care to flourish. Healthy relationships require people that are healthy as individuals and have high enough self acceptance to be able to offer it to another.  They also require risk. All of us have been rejected and hurt and none of us likes it one bit. It takes a good deal of courage to really put yourself out there and risk the pain of rejection. For many people that risk is too scary so they settle for far less or convince themselves they do not need anyone but secretly still yearn. That is a shame, because in doing so they limit the freedom they have to become all that they are.

When we do find one person or maybe a small band of people that provides these beautiful playgrounds for us we must recognize it and treasure it as the gift it is and be willing to set aside our fear and come out and play with all we’ve got. In truth you have nothing to lose. Realtionships do not have to be forever to be valuable. Even pain and loss offer insight and compassion. Look for the relationships that allow you to be seen and accepted as you are and allow you the rare privledge to do that for someone else
you will be richly rewarded.

Reflect on the people in your life that have given the freedom of this sacred space to you and offer a moment of gratitude.

How can you cultivate more freedom to be deeply intimate in your current relationships?

To whom and how do you offer this to others?

What, if anything holds you back?

The Freedom of Love

Most of the time committed intimate relationships get a bad rap. They are regarded as a loss of freedom and independence to the parties involved. Many people avoid them and are labeled “commitmentphobes”, others cling to a false ideas of self reliance and deny the need for others to make their lives complete or happy. This thinking is perpetuated by strong media and social messages that portray nagging or jealous spouses and partners telling each other white lies or having to ask permission of the other to do something fun. While all these scenarios may indeeed play out in relationships, many relationships are less than ideal and if these factors are present clearly need some tending to.

In reality, healthy relationships are liberating. They provide safe haven for us to fully be all that we are. Whether with close friends, family or lovers, they offer the freedom to drop our facades and get real. We can of course fully be ourselves independently, we can live our lives by our own values and standards if we chose. But humans require close connection and there is no better mirror into our own soul than the reflection in anothers eyes that is seeing it.  "No man is an island unto himself,"as Donne famously wrote. There simply are elements of life and of ourselves that can only be fully explored in partnership with someone we trust and connect with deeply.

The prevalent idea of strength and independence is highly valued in America. Needing another is weak, create your own happiness, stand on your own two feet, blaze your own trail and everything you need is within you, are ideas that have some truth to them. I embrace self reliance and always have, partly because I came from a background with no one to rely on. I too have bought into this notion for many years and have had to overcome my own fears to fully reveal myself to experience the amazing power of this type of freedom. Codependent relationships abound and it is not pretty, it makes sense that we want to gaurd against that. But it is easy to think that shunning codependence and embracing independence excludes interdependence, which is the healthy way that two people support each other and grow more as individuals as a result. This becomes a playground of self discovery, understanding compassion and joy. In my opinion, this connection is divine and a crucial part of our life purpose.

However, these relationships are rare. People are busy and self focused. We are becoming increasingly impatient and fixated on speed and ease, all things that do not foster intimacy. Relationships take time to develop and care to flourish. Healthy relationships require people that are healthy as individuals and have high enough self acceptance to be able to offer it to another.  They also require risk. All of us have been rejected and hurt and none of us likes it one bit. It takes a good deal of courage to really put yourself out there and risk the pain of rejection. For many people that risk is too scary so they settle for far less or convince themselves they do not need anyone but secretly still yearn. That is a shame, because in doing so they limit the freedom they have to become all that they are.

When we do find one person or maybe a small band of people that provides these beautiful playgrounds for us we must recognize it and treasure it as the gift it is and be willing to set aside our fear and come out and play with all we’ve got. In truth you have nothing to lose. Realtionships do not have to be forever to be valuable. Even pain and loss offer insight and compassion. Look for the relationships that allow you to be seen and accepted as you are and allow you the rare privledge to do that for someone else
you will be richly rewarded.

Reflect on the people in your life that have given the freedom of this sacred space to you and offer a moment of gratitude.

How can you cultivate more freedom to be deeply intimate in your current relationships?

To whom and how do you offer this to others?

What, if anything holds you back?

The Freedom of Love

Most of the time committed intimate relationships get a bad rap. They are regarded as a loss of freedom and independence to the parties involved. Many people avoid them and are labeled “commitmentphobes”, others cling to a false ideas of self reliance and deny the need for others to make their lives complete or happy. This thinking is perpetuated by strong media and social messages that portray nagging or jealous spouses and partners telling each other white lies or having to ask permission of the other to do something fun. While all these scenarios may indeeed play out in relationships, many relationships are less than ideal and if these factors are present clearly need some tending to.

In reality, healthy relationships are liberating. They provide safe haven for us to fully be all that we are. Whether with close friends, family or lovers, they offer the freedom to drop our facades and get real. We can of course fully be ourselves independently, we can live our lives by our own values and standards if we chose. But humans require close connection and there is no better mirror into our own soul than the reflection in anothers eyes that is seeing it.  "No man is an island unto himself,"as Donne famously wrote. There simply are elements of life and of ourselves that can only be fully explored in partnership with someone we trust and connect with deeply.

The prevalent idea of strength and independence is highly valued in America. Needing another is weak, create your own happiness, stand on your own two feet, blaze your own trail and everything you need is within you, are ideas that have some truth to them. I embrace self reliance and always have, partly because I came from a background with no one to rely on. I too have bought into this notion for many years and have had to overcome my own fears to fully reveal myself to experience the amazing power of this type of freedom. Codependent relationships abound and it is not pretty, it makes sense that we want to gaurd against that. But it is easy to think that shunning codependence and embracing independence excludes interdependence, which is the healthy way that two people support each other and grow more as individuals as a result. This becomes a playground of self discovery, understanding compassion and joy. In my opinion, this connection is divine and a crucial part of our life purpose.

However, these relationships are rare. People are busy and self focused. We are becoming increasingly impatient and fixated on speed and ease, all things that do not foster intimacy. Relationships take time to develop and care to flourish. Healthy relationships require people that are healthy as individuals and have high enough self acceptance to be able to offer it to another.  They also require risk. All of us have been rejected and hurt and none of us likes it one bit. It takes a good deal of courage to really put yourself out there and risk the pain of rejection. For many people that risk is too scary so they settle for far less or convince themselves they do not need anyone but secretly still yearn. That is a shame, because in doing so they limit the freedom they have to become all that they are.

When we do find one person or maybe a small band of people that provides these beautiful playgrounds for us we must recognize it and treasure it as the gift it is and be willing to set aside our fear and come out and play with all we’ve got. In truth you have nothing to lose. Realtionships do not have to be forever to be valuable. Even pain and loss offer insight and compassion. Look for the relationships that allow you to be seen and accepted as you are and allow you the rare privledge to do that for someone else
you will be richly rewarded.

Reflect on the people in your life that have given the freedom of this sacred space to you and offer a moment of gratitude.

How can you cultivate more freedom to be deeply intimate in your current relationships?

To whom and how do you offer this to others?

What, if anything holds you back?

Smooth Sailing

Don’t you love it when you have everything all figured out and life is just smooth sailing? Isn’t it great when you finally have all the time you need to do those things you most want to do? How wonderful is it to not have to worry about money anymore and finally have that nest egg put away and plenty of cash on hand for anything you may want or need? Isn’t it grand to have peace of mind, to be healthy and fit, and not have a care in the world. And how lovely it is to have found the perfect partner to share it all with. Damn life is good!

For some that are very fortunate there may be brief times like these however, life simply is not like this nor is it suppossed to be. It is the nature of life to present us with a series of negative and positive experiences. No matter how good you are, how hard you pray, how skilled you are at manifesting what you want; life has challenges and sometimes they are tough.

It is tempting to buy into the notion that there will be a magical time like I described above where everything is A-Ok. Often we wait for those times to come to take advantage of the "right time". This can lead to putting off things we really want thinking our time will come later. Sadly, that is not always the case.
That is not to say that our lives never get better, in some ways they do in and in others they may not. But hopefully we get better at living as time passes so life seems easier even if in reality life is not all that different, we become different.

The nature of all things is to have a negative and a positve charge. It is the flow of energy to fluctuate between two oppositely charged poles. A simple battery is useless without both a negative and positive end. Just try cutting of the negative pole and see how much power you get. This is how everyhting in nature works to stay balanced pulling from both the negative and the positive provides energy.

But it is also natural to want to disperse with the negative and hard stuff to focus only on the positive and good. We fool ourselves into thinking we can create all good all the time and just be happy. Certainly, I believe we can choose to be happy but happiness does not mean constant bliss. I think we can and should choose our responses to circumstances and take a positve approach to the challenges that come our way. But I also believe that in struggle we find strength. In the negative experiences of our lives we develop insight and understanding. That our darkest hours are the best teachers of compassion both for ourselves and others and that while we all like to share laughter and joy it is sorrow that can truly unite us.

Sure, we all like the periods of time when things work well but during these times we can become smug and think we have it all figured out. We could subscribe to the popular teaching that we create and choose everything or that nothing that happens is bad or negative. That we are the center of the universe and are in control of all we experience. We may think that all the great stuff that happens is because we deserve it or have earned it and when everything falls apart it must be because we have failed in some way. I could never buy into all of that thinking for more reasons than I will get into here. Suffice to say that this type of thinking leads to judging and blaming. Mostly of ourselves for doing or being something wrong when life does not go our way. It leaves us with a needless sense of guilt or shame and undue responsibility for anything that goes awry. This type of thinking also undermines our ability to understand the plight of others and fosters finger pointing and blame. This makes no sense to me and just causes additional suffering and separation for everyone.

Instead, I subscribe to the idea of acceptance. Accept that life will bring you an abundant mixture of positive and negative, it will not always be what or when you want it. Accept that not everything and almost nothing is under your control and as such is probably not your fault. Understand that you do not have to try to earn your way to a perfect life by behaving in a certain way or that attaining a level of holiness or enlightenment will protect you from all evil. Recognize that you will enjoy many things that will add to your experience of life and that you will also suffer many things that will deepen your experience of life as well. Know that you will not want everything that comes your way, take it anyway and let it shape you. Accept all of who you are, trust that you are enough and know you are always becoming more.
 

Mentor’s & Tormentors

I was inspired to write this after attending a women’s luncheon yesterday that featured Aurora Police Chief Kristen Ziman as one of several great female speakers. She spoke briefly about mentors and tormentors and made the comment that "if you can turn criticism into fuel you will never run out of energy”. I thought this was very insightful and inspirational. 

We all cherish the people that support us, if we are lucky enough to have a few. But we do not see much value in those that criticise us. They are the downers and killers of our dreams. We understandably don’t like them much and may try to avoid them. But when we chose to react to the feedback they give us well they can play a vital role in helping us achieve our goals.

Too often we are shot down by the opinion of others. Sometimes we do not even get started in a direction because we presume that others will judge our efforts poorly before they even do. We can believe what others say about us and allow them to limit how we view ourselves and our capabilities. For some, it is easier to believe the negative things others say about us more than the positive. We all know that the barb of criticism can sting longer than the glow of compliment shines. We do not want to look foolish, seem stupid or to fail, so we hold back. We all fall prey to this at times, we all suffer self doubt and seek approval to some extent. 

But for those that want to achieve our hearts desire, those that dare to dream an uncommon dream, create something exceptional or break through a barrier we must find a way as Kristen says to turn criticism into fuel.

My first professional job at the age of 18 was car salesman, you will notice the suffix, man. Back in the early 1980’s in my area there simply was no saleswomen or even the term salespeople at all. In fact, I landed this job while car shopping. After visiting many dealers I finally asked one why there were no women selling cars. He replied that none had ever applied, so I did and got the job. I really had no burning desire for that job but I learned a great deal and moved quickly into finance where I was the again the only woman and the youngest in that type of role. There were many challenges and complexities to this very male dominated field that honestly I was not well equipped for at that young age. But this was one of many times in my life that seeing a challenge or being presented with something I was not expected to do inspired me to do it anyway, and I am glad I did.

I think it is crucial to have supportive people in your life. I am a professional coach and focus my practice on providing positive support and encouragement. I help people overcome limits and break free of the fear of what others may think to follow their own path and reach the goals they most believe in. I advise my cliens to minimize negative people and to increase their exposure to folks that support them. Maybe I need to add more ideas on listening to these critics and looking for ways to be inspired to prove them wrong. 

Some of us are more motivated by pain than pleasure. To avoid something bad rather than create something good may get us moving. For some, being told what they cannot do may be more fuel than hearing how wonderful their idea is and how sucessful they will certainly be. I suspect most of us are fueled by some of both in different circumstances but knowing what will energize and inspire you is key to reaching your goals.

Take a moment to reflect on who has played the roles of mentor or tormentor in your life, which ones have supplied the most fuel?

How can you find ways to create more fuel in your life through positive support and/or adversity and tough challenge?

Julia Skeesick, CPC LifeScape Strategies www.lifescapestrategies.com 630.664.9740