The Freedom of Love

Most of the time committed relationships get a bad rap. They are regarded as a loss of freedom and independence to the parties involved. Many people avoid them and are labeled “commitmentphobes”. Others cling to a false idea of self reliance and deny the need for others to make their lives complete or happy. This thinking is perpetuated by strong media and social messages that portray nagging or jealous spouses and partners telling each other white lies or having to ask permission of the other to do something fun. While all these scenarios may indeeed play out in relationships, many relationships are less than ideal and if these factors are present clearly need some tending to.

In reality, healthy relationships are liberating. They provide safe haven for us to fully be all that we are. Whether with close friends, family or lovers, they offer the freedom to drop our facades and get real. We can of course fully be ourselves independently, we can live our lives by our own values and standards if we chose. But humans require close connection and there is no better mirror into our own soul than the reflection of it in anothers eyes.  "No man is an island unto himself,"as Donne famously wrote. There simply are elements of life and of ourselves that can only be fully explored in partnership with someone we trust and connect with deeply.

The prevalent idea of strength and independence is highly valued in America. Needing another is weak, create your own happiness, stand on your own two feet, blaze your own trail and everything you need is within you, are ideas that may have some truth to them. I embrace self reliance and always have, partly because I came from a background with noone to rely on. I too have bought into this notion for many years and have had to overcome my own fears to fully reveal myself to experience the amazing power of this type of freedom. Codependent relationships abound and it is not pretty, it makes sense that we want to gaurd against that. But it is easy to think that shunning codependence and embracing independence excludes interdependence, which is the healthy way that two people support each other and grow more as individuals as a result. This becomes a playground of self discovery, understanding, compassion and joy. In my opinion, this connection is divine and a crucial part of our life purpose.

However, these relationships are rare. People are busy and self focused. We are becoming increasingly impatient and fixated on speed and ease, all things that do not foster intimacy. Relationships take time to develop and care to flourish. Healthy relationships require people that are healthy as individuals and have a high enough level of self acceptance to be able to offer it to another.  They also require risk. All of us have been rejected and hurt and none of us likes it one bit. It takes a good deal of courage to really put yourself out there and risk the pain of rejection. For many people that risk is too scary so they settle for far less or convince themselves they do not need anyone but secretly still yearn. That is a shame, because in doing so they limit the freedom they have to become all that they are.

When we do find one person or maybe a small band of people that provides these beautiful playgrounds for us we must recognize it and treasure it as the gift it is and be willing to set aside our fear and come out and play with all we’ve got. In truth you have nothing to lose. Realtionships do not have to be forever to be valuable. Even pain and loss offer insight and compassion. Look for the relationships that allow you to be seen and accepted as you are and allow you the rare privledge to do that for someone else I assure you you will be richly rewarded.

Reflect on the people in your life that have given the freedom of this sacred space to you and offer a moment of gratitude.

How can you cultivate more freedom to be deeply intimate in your current relationships?

To whom and how do you offer this to others?

What, if anything holds you back?