Getting There Can Be Complicated

 One of the main things that attracted me to life coaching was the forward moving focus. We are always focused on " going somewhere," whether in a physical or emotional sense, it is growth and accomplishment of some sort. In the simplest of terms when I work with clients we look at where they are, where they want to be and create a plan to get there. This really appealed to me because I am a very proactive, take charge kind of person by nature. I have always been inclined to make a change rather than just complain and have always encouraged those around me to do the same. What I have found through coaching the last few years though is that "getting there" is usually  more complicated than it seems, this is largely due to the fact that we are more complicated than we seem.
The answer of where it is we want to go is not always clear and the reasons we want to head in that direction in the first place can be easily misunderstood. Furthermore, the way we think we can get to where we want to be is often ineffective. Each piece of the process to get us where we want to be is multifaceted and requires some thorough exploration and careful thought. But most of the time we just head out in some direction that seems to strike our fancy only to find out it leads to nowhere or at least nowhere we really want to be. This results in dissatisfaction and frustration. For some of us after a few misguided road trips we chose to just stay put and not venture outside of our comfort zones again. This is the second thing that attracted me to coaching; I see no reason to stay where you really do not want to be and find it tragic when people do. Life is good. There is so much richness and opportunity, I believe we can get to some pretty fantastic places if we are clear on where we are going, why we are going there and take the time to create a strategy that works.

When we talk about getting somewhere in our lives it is a lot like a road trip or great adventure. Like any trip it has certain components to consider before we set out. I believe there are three major components: Destinations, Vehicles and Maps. Each of these components requires careful thought and planning if we want to end up fulfilled, successful and happy.

Destinations: These are what you may call goals. Where do you want to go? It stands to reason you need to know this piece before you set out and the more clear you are about where you want to end up the better. One thing we often overlook is why we want to go there in the first place. The why is actually the biggest factor. If you do not know why you want what you want you can not possibly know if it will be found at the destination you seek. Certainly we have all earnestly pursued a destination only to find when we get there that we do not feel like we thought we would when we finally made it. This is usually because we think that vehicles are actually destinations. Jobs, money relationships, education and so on are merely vehicles, ways to get to the emotion, expression and connection we truly crave. It is good to remember that ultimately we want to feel something not just do something. So, when you say you want a certain job or to reach an educational goal dig into clarifying what achieving that will actually provide, how will it feel, what will it mean to you? The answer to that is the real destination.

Vehicles: These are the things we use to get us where we want to be. Just like when we travel, there are many methods to use.  Some are faster, slower, more or less reliable and we are in control of the choice of vehicle and how we use  it. Relationships for instance are a vehicle to receive and express love and to feel connected to others a very needed human destination. The types of relationships you have are the vehicles to get you to a place you are able to experience those things. A career ideally is a vehicle for you to express and share your talents and values to feel fulfillment and a sense of contribution also a needed human destination. Vehicles take us where we want to go so we need to chose vehicles that are capable to get us there.

Maps: This is the route we chose to take. Without planning and some forethought we can run into a whole lot of trouble and very often do. This is the part of our trip when we define step by step plans, use critical thinking to navigate which way to go and moment to moment are called upon to chose to stay on the path or take a detour. Our map is our structure and planning, our guide that helps us chose which way to go to achieve what we want. We set goals and make step by step plans that we hope will lead us to where we want to go. Sometimes things come up along our route and we may go off course and decide to make a new map altogether.

I think it is critical to understand the difference in these components. Particularly the difference between destinations and vehicles. Maps can always be adjusted and no matter how many times we get off track we can find our way back to the course or make a new one entirely. This is the third reason I was drawn to life coaching; we always have the ability to be who we really are and live how we want to live. In my own life I have experienced many detours and in truth many years of traveling without a map at all. It took me a long time to figure out a better way to navigate my course and to embrace the excitement of changing directions. I think once we find out what we are really after the way in which we get there matters less. The vehicles we use to take us there are put into perspective and we can become more comfortable with the long and winding road that becomes our lives and enjoy the ride.

Optimism is Power

We often hear about the power of positive thinking but being optimistic actually gives you power.

When you believe in good outcomes you trust in your ability and will have more confidence to work toward your goal.

This is powerful as it gets you going and feeds motivation along the way building momentum toward a goal you believe you can achieve.

Optimism is not only powerful when it comes to traditional goals but also sets the tone for health and happiness in your life to help you overcome life's inevitable hurdles.  In fact, optimists report higher levels of happiness, better health, higher salaries and better relationships.  Positive people are more likable, make better leaders and managers and have lower stress levels. Optimism and flexibility are the two most  sought after characteristics in job candidates as well, companies know that a great attitude trumps aptitude nearly all the time. Optimism is power in your personal and professional life. 

It is not all rose colored glasses either, optimism is realistic and desirable even in our modern complex world.
Keep in mind that while life will always be a mixture of experiences not all of them good but all of them hold something good for us if we are patient and open minded. Optimists chose to believe in the best and cope with the rest. 

Believing in good outcomes may not guarantee the exact outcomes we think we want but it greatly improves our chances  and enables us to see the best in what does come our way. It would seem with all this evidence that we would all be optimistic, but of course we are not. While some of us are born with a naturally sunny attitude and others tend to have a cloud perpetually over our heads, we each have the ability to cultivate more optimism regardless of DNA. Even when life beats us down optimism not only believes the best of the circumstance but helps us to connect to the best in our selves and our ability to do well.

Some ways you can cultivate optimism:

Make a movie create a short video in your minds eye of your ideal life. See how it looks when everything turns out well. How do you look and feel? What are you doing? Who are you surrounded by? How does it feel? Play this video on a regular basis, at least once a day to retrain your brain and create new habits of thinking. It only takes a minute but is a powerful tool that will boost your mood and increase your motivation almost immediately.

Catch and change negative thinking They say up to 90% of behavior is habitual. That is what keeps us stuck but also the best tool to use to get unstuck.

Make a point to be aware of negative thoughts, challenge them, is it true? Is anything else possible? Be honest. Chose more positive thoughts and stay on it.

Create new habits that support you to replace things that don’t. What types of positive, inspirational, supportive things can you add to your life?

Podcasts, books, support groups, good friends, seminars, exercise, meditation, nutrition and so on can help you shift gears and stay on track. Be very aware of who you spend time with; attitude and energy are contagious.

Acceptance never means settling it simply means accepting what is true, not struggling against what’s a fact or has already occurred. It is letting go of the should’s and seeing what is. Once you accept the way things, people or you are your optimism kicks in to make the best of it. Begin to accept reality rather than allowing it to knock you down for the count. We all get knocked down, an optimist just gets up and keeps going believing they will  eventually find a way to win the fight.

Shift your focus to be solution oriented. When challenges occur do not waste energy on being upset or complaining start looking for a solution or the best attitude you can muster while whatever it is passes. Everything passes.You cannot be a victim and a victor the same time.

Celebrate and Give Thanks Take note of when things go well, celebrate all your victories big and small and be grateful for yourself and your life. It may sound simplistic but taking the time to count your blessings will instantly boos your mood and attitude. It is important to pause and see what is good and right in your world to fuel you to create more.

The Trouble With Women's Empowerment

Empowerment is a popular term widely used typically when referring to women.

Women’s Empowerment. Sounds like a good idea on the surface but it seems to me the term is a bit misleading and in a sense perpetuates the problem that it is most attempting to solve. Certainly there are many women in various demographics who feel powerless for a variety of reasons. There are far too many women who are victimized and abused. There are many places that women do not count, countries that literally do not count females as part of their population numbers. Power and basic human rights have been stolen from large numbers of women around the world. Sadly, in our own country this exists as well, women who have very limited choice and voice in their own lives. In cases like these empowerment is an appropriate term, to give power back to women who may not have a level playing ground or are oppressed and treated unjustly. But for most women the key to the claiming the personal power they lack in their lives lies within themselves.

As a life coach who primarily works with women, empowerment is a topic that comes up frequently. There are many women that feel their opinions or desires do not matter very much. They may sit on the sidelines in some aspects of their lives or defer to others to make big decisions. Even women who are in highly respected positions and enjoy a lot of freedom sometimes hold back, bite their tongue or tolerate things that are simply not acceptable. There are also countless well meaning people and organizations designed to empower  or give women what they need  to live happy and successful lives. However, I contend that this group of women do not need to be given power, rather they need to discover the power they already have within them. 

I think that it is vital that women recognize that we are strong, capable and worthy in our own right. That our power comes from within us and is not given nor can it ever truly be taken. 

I prefer the term women’s  re-powerment. To discover, reconnect and harness the power that already exists within each of us. I am not just mincing words here. One of the main issues that women who struggle with a real or perceived lack of

personal power face stems from losing track of who they truly are, what they are really worth and how strong and capable they actually are. Particularly for women who are abused or oppressed not knowing this plays directly into the people or forces that are working against them. When we frame our assistance as if we have to give something to women we support the message that they lack something in the first place.

They do not. 

We are born with power. We have intrinsic immutable worth and value. We are far more capable and powerful than we can at times imagine. 

This is true whether we are male or female, living with freedom and advantage or oppressed and marginalized. However, it is often hard to remember and accept this and many forces will conspire to undermine us, including ourselves.

Nothing that we experience in our lives changes the truth of who we are.  All our experiences only add to who we are and what we know. Everything we survive and accomplish adds to our personal strength and compassion for ourselves and all humanity if we choose to let it.

But many of us have been lied to. Told that certain things make us bad or less in some way. Both men and women come of age with thousands of outside judgements that  skew their vision of themselves and the world and make them feel that they somehow are not quite enough. There are direct and indirect messages that chip away at our sense of self and leave us full of doubts. While we all face some of this it can be overwhelming and very damaging in some cases.

For women this can be especially true. Even in our modern progressive society there remains mixed messages. Girls are taught to put others needs first, not to be aggressive or assertive lest they be labeled a bitch and not be liked. Of course we are also expected to have successful careers and relationships while looking beautiful and being “good” girls. In addition, there remains serious social issues such as pay inequality, sexual harassment etcetera in this male dominated world. These issues are improving, put do play a part in how we perceive ourselves which impacts our sense of personal power and freedom.

It is complicated to be sure with many factors to consider, the bottom line though is that personal power can only be cultivated from within an individual. It is grounded in genuine self confidence which is built upon a foundation of self awareness and self acceptance. It is the understanding that you are capable, that you matter just as much as anyone else; who you are, what you think, what your needs and desires are all matter. Not more than anyone or less else or than anyone else.

We have all that we need within us. If it is within us it cannot be taken away even if it at times is temporarily held hostage or imprisoned. Our personal power is our true essence and birthright. Women do not need me or anyone else to give them what they already have, but at times we all need to be reminded and re-powered.