Self Acceptance = Peace and Freedom

Self Acceptance is an understanding and  peace with who and how you are regardless of the approval or opinion of others. It is a quiet acknowledgment of your strengths and talents as well as your struggles and shortcomings as part of the complex and beautifully human package of who you truly are. All valuable, all critical to the totality of you. It does not mean you adore every one of those aspects or do not endeavor to change bad habits or grow. In fact, self acceptance fuels self growth and self esteem because we are able to keep moving forward once we are done holding ourselves back with fear, guilt or a desire to seek the approval of others.

I am totally independent of the good or bad opinion of others

I am beneath no one

I am perfectly capable to handle anything that comes my way.

Deepak Chopra

This mantra sums it up so well. You are you. You define your own worth and value. No one else has that power. All others will view and judge us through their own smeared lenses of personal agendas and insecurities. Some will try to control us, even with the best intention and it is easy to get caught up believing messages that just are not true. Learning that we are independent beings that can chose what we believe about ourselves and our lives gives us the freedom to find fulfillment as well as the ability to offer love and acceptance to others.

To find peace with ourselves we must be willing to let go of the need to have the approval of others. This is especially true of those closest to us. We typically suffer the most pain and struggle at the hands of family and lovers. It can be difficult to navigate a course that honors and loves others and ourselves at the same time. Most of what we are taught is to put others first, to sacrifice our own needs and desires so we do not act “selfish”. The lovely message to be caring and considerate of others does more to undermine our own happiness than we can imagine. The truth is one must find a way to honor their own needs as primary then chose to share and care freely with others next. Before we can really be true to anyone else we must learn to be true to ourselves.

Ultimately our lives are our own. We are on a singular journey that we may chose to share with others. Chose wisely those that help you head in the direction that uplifts and supports you. Understand that those that do not sometimes simply can not and have their own demons to conquer, let them. We tend to take far too many things personally and spend too much time as a result trying to conform or please someone else’s notion of us. We cannot reach nirvana chasing someone else’s dream. When we find self acceptance we worry less about how we are perceived and do not seek another’s approval to know that we are a -ok. We will always bask in the glow of admiration and feel good about a pat on the back but we can learn to let go of the pain that stops us in our tracks and crushes our spirit. Begin to be your own best counsel and trust yourself and your opinions on what is right for you. Sure, there will be times you are wrong, fall short or fail miserably, accept that too and let it feed your strength and independence as you keep on moving full steam ahead.

By shifting perspectives on our own ideas of human worth and empowering ourselves to define who and how we will live our lives things begin to take shape and head in the direction of our dreams with more freedom, fulfillment, happiness and success than we otherwise could have imagined. 

Julia Skeesick, CPC. CEO of LifeScape Strategies works with clients to define and create lives of their own design. She provides private and group coaching workshops seminars and retreats that support more freedom success balance and happiness in both our personal and professional lives, learn more

The How & Why of a Personal Manifesto

Manifestos are not strictly reserved for famous or super crazy people.  I think they are important for each of us to define for ourselves and the world who we are, what we believe and hold dear to us. I wrote mine 2 years ago as a blog post. It was interesting to revisit it. I have not wavered in what I stated at that time even though many things have changed since then. The manifesto goes beyond goals or whims and deals with the bigger picture of life,  how you view it and live it. It provides insight to our core being an what motivates us.
I am reposting this since it has been a long time and I am currently working on personal mission statements and manifestos with my WIne Women & Wisdom groups this week. I am encouraging them and you to write your own. 
What you think and believe matters. Take yourself seriously, consider where you stand on topics you think are important and value your own opinion. It does not have to be right for everyone,  just for you. Then use your manifesto as a guide to measure if you are living up to your own standards. You will enjoy much more peace and happiness when you are.

Personal Manifesto

Reprint from Oct 2013

 I was writing the other night on the subject of personal beliefs and how they influence and impact our daily lives yet we rarely truly consider them.  I stopped what I was working on and started writing a list of my own beliefs and have made a manifesto to contain them. I hope that I embody these beliefs, I hope to be remembered for them and I hope I will alter them when and if they need to be updated.

When was the last time you considered the beliefs that shape your values and views of the world?

If it has been a while rest assured you are in good company. I can safely assume that if you ask most people they do not have a ready list of their beliefs and likely not a written collection. Yet, I think it is a revealing and revolutionary exercise to invest in.

Most of us have underlying beliefs about ourselves and the world that we simply take for granted. They have always been there and we do not often think about them or if they are true and valid or where we even got the ideas in the first place.

Sometimes these beliefs are steadfast comforting guides, keys to our behavior that help us to navigate the world successfully.

But just as often these beliefs can undermine and limit us or our experience of life and cause us grief, guilt and suffering.

I encourage you to examine your own beliefs about who you are, how you live and what you think about others and the world. While you are doing this determine if these are true for you and if they serve to make you more or less happy and successful.

Give yourself the freedom and power to challenge your ideas and fully embrace what you believe to be true or let go of what you do not to make your own Manifesto.

I would love to see it!

I have included mine below

My Manifesto

• I believe that a core of real self acceptance and genuine confidence is the foundation of happiness and success.
• I believe the rampant lack of this is the root of most suffering, sadness, violence, dissatisfaction and mediocrity.
• I believe and embrace that all of life’s experiences are a valid opportunity to experience fully what is available to me. I also accept that it is perfectly ok that I am not always happy about that experience at the time it occurs but know I will eventually grow and become more because of it whether I like it or not.
• I believe life is good, but not only good things happen.
• I believe things that are difficult and horrific are part of life and not a result of bad karma, poor behavior or a failing on someone’s part.
• I believe that whatever happens in life is an opportunity to be more. That it often matters little the result or whether we win but how we showed up in the game
• I believe that sometimes bad things happen to good people and good things happen to bad people 
• I believe that we all get to define what is good or bad in our lives for ourselves.
• I believe everyone is created equal in worth and value yet completely unique.
• I believe that worth and value are intrinsic, not earned
• I believe humans are special in the world
• I believe and understand that we are not all given the same playing field or equipment to play with: that is life, it is not fair but it can be pretty damn good.
• I believe we all have the right to choose what we believe as well as how we want to think, behave and live and we should cherish and protect that freedom for all.
• I believe that with freedom comes responsibility first to ourselves and then to everyone else.
• I believe I am whole, complete and capable even when it appears or feels otherwise
• I believe that life is a treasure with more beauty and wonder than we can ever experience in just one lifetime but that we should give it a damn good shot.
• I believe more in using things up then in saving them
• I believe that less rules are better, at least for me.
• I believe the primary rule is do no harm
• I believe in living passionately and enjoying life as much as possible.
• I believe there is more than one true love and many soul mates, if you are open you may find one or two

Define who you are and what you believe in for for yourself. Be clear, then be honest if you are living in alignment to that. After all, who you are and how you live is up to you.  Take the time,  make the effort.  I believe you and your life is worth it.

Drop the F Bomb

Offensive… Explosive… Impactful… Powerful… Destructive. 

All of these words describe the real mother of all four letter words… FEAR.
It is insidious and pervasive seeping into our hearts and minds choking our confidence and strangling our hopes and dreams. We all have fear. It is part of our survival system designed to protect us, but while a healthy dose of caution does a body good, much of the time fear runs rampant and limits us from our greatest achievements and experiences. But if we can steel our courage and cultivate our most rock solid confidence we can learn to do battle and live and love victoriously.

Experts tell us that our biggest motivator to achieve our goals or try something new is emotion. Emotion is the fuel of our habits and behavior and all emotion can be categorized under either fear or love.

Fear is the opposite of love. Typically we believe the opposite of love is hate but hate is rooted in fear. Fear is anxious, jealous, closed, rejecting, limited, narrow and plays small.
Love is open, expansive, accepting, adventurous, bold and creative.

When you look at the emotion that fuels your behavior are you acting from a perspective of fear or love?

Awareness is a great place to start but do not stop there.  Use the steps outlined below to drop the F Bomb from your life and explode with the success and happiness you seek.

Step One Clarify

What do you most want and what stands in the way? Dig deep, get to the roots. We aren’t you moving forward? What might happen if you did? 

Step Two Confront

Most fear is irrational and dishonest, fight back. Is it true? What else is true and serves you better? Are you really in danger or just avoiding discomfort or embarrassment?

Step Three Courage

Cultivate courage by remembering who you really are and what you are made of. Past war stories arm todays battle. Recognize all that you have overcome, survived and achieved thus far, this is the hard evidence that you have everything you need already within you. Do not wait for fear to pass...it won’t, cultivate the courage to move forward despite fear, that is the definition of bravery.

Step Four Confidence

Genuine confidence based on self acceptance is the rock solid foundation we need to live with the freedom and authenticity to pursue what we most want. It allows us to share who we are and express and experience our lives fully. When we are truly confident we know we are capable to handle whatever comes our way. Genuine confidence is not simply false bravado or arrogance that loudly boasts that we can be and do it all, who can after all? Rather, it is the quiet knowledge that when we step forward boldly we can give it our all knowing that we will be ok whatever comes our way.

Know yourself. Trust yourself.  Be true to yourself. Chose love. Start with yourself.

Julia Skeesick CEO of LifeScape Strategies offers F- Bomb workshops to help you and your group explore and explode this dangerous topic info www.lifescapestrategies.com Find out more about private or group coaching workshops and retreats.

5 Step Path to Genuine Self Confidence

We all battle self doubt and are our own worst critic. At the same time we realize in both our personal and professional lives being confident is crucial. When we have it we feel we can take on any challenge with open arms. We all admire folks that seemingly walk into a room and are comfortable and magnetic in any situation, we presume they were just born that way. But for most of us cultivating genuine confidence requires some effort.

Genuine confidence is powerful and attractive. Not to be mistaken with arrogance that is typically born out of a desire to hide insecurity and wield power, genuine confidence has an ease about it, a certainty, self control and openness. When we are around people like this we become more comfortable too, it feels safe and accepting, it fosters trust. Thus, people that have this attribute make great leaders and lovers they know and accept themselves and that leaves them lots of space to know and accept others as well. They not only seem confident and comfortable they feel it as well.

Since I was not born with this rare and wonderful trait I wondered how I could develop it.  I struggled greatly with low self- esteem and social anxiety till I was in my 30’s, it was painful and very limiting. I desperately longed to be more comfortable, to stop biting my tongue and holding back, hiding in the shadows trying not to be noticed. I tried the fake it till you make it as best I could and it even helped to some extent, but at the end of the day I still felt inadequate. It was not until I shifted my thinking about who and how I was and discovered self acceptance that I became genuinely confident. People often remark that I seem so confident and carry myself in a certain way, I do and I am but that does not exempt me from failure,  moments of doubt and fear.  It just means I know I will be ok despite them and am ready for whatever may come my way.

It is one thing to act confident it is another thing entirely to be confident. The typical advice on confidence is all about how we act; shake hands firmly, stand tall, speak up. However, these behaviors are just the wrapping paper on the underlying package that is the real treasure. If you want to feel confident and be solid and powerful it requires more than just acting.  I believe the
basis for genuine confidence is self acceptance.

Five Steps to Gain the Self Acceptance that Provides Genuine Confidence

1. Clarify what genuine confidence is. So many of us use the term confident and arrogant interchangeably. We even judge people as "over confident" in a derogatory way. Examine what these terms mean to you and how they manifest. If you have been taught, as many have not to be conceited or full of yourself, you may find it challenging to stand out and shine lest you be judged a show off. The messages we are given as we grow up play a huge role in our ability to have self -esteem and confidence but with out it we are hard pressed to do our best.

2.  Level your playing field Do you hold yourself to a different standard than you do anyone else?
Do you embrace all the aspects and attributes of you as part of the multifaceted complex beauty of being a human? How might it feel if you did? Start to hold yourself in the same regard you do others.
Your internal dialog should sound like you are talking to a precious, well respected friend if it doesn’t why not? Who deserves your care and respect more than yourself? You cannot follow the golden rule to treat others as you treat yourself if you do not treat yourself well. Become aware, make some changes.

3. Understand that to accept does not necessarily mean to settle. Many people have a hard time loving themselves or accepting themselves because they judge certain thoughts or behaviors, even things that happened long ago as bad. We need to let it go. When we recognize that we are all all things and that is part of our divinity and humanity we learn to give ourselves a break. You don’t like certain things about yourself? Who does? Accept that is part of who or how you are but you can also chose to do something about it. Bottom line is you are ok as you are, but you do not need to stay that way. In fact, you are more free to evolve the traits you like when you stop focusing and berating yourself about the ones you do not like.

4. Recognize how capable you are. Catalog and build upon your strengths and achievements. How many things have you already accomplished or survived? We have vastly more strength than we give ourselves credit for but rarely recognize this. I bet it is far easier to think of 10 times you struck out then 10 times you hit it out of the park. Recognize the times you were victorious, mastered a new skill or navigated a difficult or frightening experience. This is your confidence resume. It is the irrefutable evidence that you are capable...you got this. Consider too the times you may have missed the mark or failed miserably, you still lived to fight another day right? Develop an attitude that you are capable to handle anything that comes your way regardless of outcome.

5. Fake it till you make it. Once you have done the foundational work in the first 4 steps it is time to practice. All skills start somewhere and confidence is no different. Stand tall, have a firm hand shake, look people in the eye, speak up. Get out of your comfort zone, step into the arena and start playing.
Once you start behaving differently you will get different results and you can build upon that. As you become more at ease and accepting the habits of acting confident become part of who you are.

Cultivating genuine self confidence that is based in self acceptance is not easy. In my opinion it is the work of our lives, but it is doable. If you would have known me as a unhappy wallflower and could see me now you would understand what I mean. The thing is, genuine confidence is not important just because it will help your career, get you dates or help you win friends and influence people. The real benefit of it lies in how you feel about yourself and ultimately how you feel about the rest of the world and that is well worth the effort.