Eyes Wide Shut

I am borrowing a title from a movie I really did not like. Famous of course; Stanley Kubrick, Nicole Kidman, Tom Cruise, impressive. No debate here, I just did not get it I suppose, maybe I will watch it again.

The title is perfect though for how we often go through life. We have our eyes open but closed tightly at the same time.

Let's be honest; there are many things in our lives we choose not to see.
This is a choice, conscious or not. Once we really look at something, particularly if it is unpleasant it makes it more more difficult to ignore. We can put blinders on to those dark and difficult things about ourselves, our loved ones or in the world at large. I have seen patients act as if an obvious serious illness does not exist until it is far too late just to avoid dealing with it. I have grown up in a family filled with violence and mental illness that was never discussed, never addressed. I have witnessed people go through the motions and daily routine of unfulfilling careers or ignore painful damaging relationships rather than risk a different choice. I myself have failed to see things about myself or openly address things in my relationships many times. There are so many different levels to this; it may be an unwillingness to a see a serious life threatening problem, to challenge the hurtful habits of a loved one or a blind spot to our own negative habits but whichever is the case it undermines our ability to have a happy and fulfilling life.

It is part of a survival mechanism I suppose, it keeps us going, protects us from getting bogged down. But ultimately, like all fear it prevents us from being fully ourselves and enjoying our best lives.

When we are struggling or find we are stuck in a vicious circle, when we have a sense of despair or are suffering anxiety it may be our inner alarm clock asking us to wake up and open our eyes. I believe we know far more than we think we know. I believe we have wisdom and answers within us if only we have the courage to see and act. You undoubtedly have experienced the ah-ha moments and flashes of insight that come when you finally take something out and examine it. Particularly as you talk with a trusted friend, coach or therapist, they provide guidance, support and a safe venue for you to explore and discover what has been there all along, but only when you are ready and willing to open your eyes.

It has taken me a lifetime to begin to open my eyes and frankly I am not totally there yet. There are still things I am reluctant to see, issues I see but am reluctant to act upon but I hope to do better.
There are long held habits and mistruths to overcome. Thinking you will hurt someone, feeling you are powerless, minding your own business, not knowing you are worth it, believing this is just the way it is. Lies.

The truth is we are powerful. We can make a new choice, anything can be better or at the very least our reaction to it can be. When we stop believing that this is as goods it gets, life get's a whole lot better.
Not easy. But have you considered that living with your eyes wide shut is not easy either?
We stumble around not speaking our truth, not playing full out, not taking a stand.
Maybe you are just used to it but maybe you could get used to something more bright, crisp and clear.
As you begin to see what is real, who you are and what you really want you see all new choices before you and life becomes more bright, authentic and fulfilling.

What things are calling to you to be seen?
How might you benefit from a little more light and clarity with a situation or relationship in your life?
What are you afraid to see?
How might things improve if you took a closer look anyway, what might be possible?

Life by Design: The Four Rooms

When we look at our lives as a whole it can be overwhelming: career issues, relationship struggles health concerns, juggling schedules and activities, fitting in leisure time and hoping for a chance to find a meaningful spiritual moment. I think it is helpful to break up the major aspects of our life to examine them and have deliberate intention regarding the elements of each.

I call these aspects the four rooms. These rooms; health, work, relationships and spirituality combine to house our very soul.  What is within each room and how we occupy it defines the quality of our lives. Each room is ours to uniquely fill and attend to in our own way, I call this design.

Design is a word that implies choice and intention as well as style and individuality. Ideally, while we all have the same rooms all of us have different elements within them arranged in a way that suits us uniquely.

When you look at life through this perspective it is easy to categorize things and examine the elements within as well as become more open to the choices you have to arrange things more to your liking in each room. Work for instance may contain a job with fulfillment, projects, training, achievement and salary issues as supporting elements. In this room, as with all the others, one may assess the amount of time and energy spent,  the satisfaction and meaning gained and whether the room is authentic or needs some tweaks or growth to fit into the larger design.

Room by room we honestly take stock; clearing clutter, moving things around, getting rid of things that do not fit well and adding elements of our own choosing thus making our life a better reflection of who we truly are which makes it much more fulfilling. 

Using this approach we can also determine which rooms we may not be spending enough time in.

Given the premise that all the major rooms in your life have equal value since all feed and support the whole, it is critical to have a working balance to have a healthy, happy home. 

Often times we do not recognize the value of each room. We trick ourselves into thinking some things can wait indefinitely or simply do not matter because we have more important issues to tend to.

Occasionally this may be the case during a serious health crisis for instance the work and relationship rooms may go dark while the energies are focused on health. But more often I think we tend to ignore large aspects of our lives because we do not recognize the value or think we do not have time since we are too busy filling up another room. In some cases we close off a room completely not allowing ourselves or anyone else to go there. This is what leads us to feel stressed and out of synch, we become burned out because we are not honoring all parts of ourselves and allowing the major aspects of our home to nourish and support us fully. 

Many of us have all the rooms open and spend a bit of time in each but feel that something is just not quite right. We have never taken the time to design them for ourselves with purpose and intention. We live according to how things were when we checked in, or the way someone else thought things should be arranged. Adopting beliefs and habits like hand me down furniture.

 This can be okay when you are first starting out but with time you need to choose what you like to create your own design and truly make your house your home. 

As you begin to look at your life from this perspective which rooms do you feel are in need of attention? Relationships, Health, Career, Spirituality

Are the spaces reflective of your own personal style and flair containing elements of your own choosing?

Do the rooms in your life fulfill and sustain you?

When we recognize that the total of our lives is indeed made up of the aspects of our lives all working together we gain the power to choose what elements matter most. Living by design with intention rather than default is powerful. It provides a much surer route to the peace and happiness we seek because it calls upon us to be aware and authentic. Taking the time to design each room and spend time in them creates the comfort, balance and safety we need to sustain our souls allowing us to express ourselves and experience life fully.

What If Something Good Happens?

What if something bad happens?
What if they do not like me?
What if I fail?
We ask these things based on past experience.
I am reminded again and again by my own day to day life and habits and by my work with clients that we greatly limit the amount of success, happiness and joy we have based on history.
We do not try new things because once we tried something we did not like.
We do not trust fully because once we were betrayed.
We do not engage in activities because once we failed.
We do not fully reveal ourselves because once we were rejected.
There is no more powerful kill joy than once.

Certainly we may have experienced these unpleasantries more than once or maybe it has just been once but it hurt deeply and all our brain is fixated upon is not experiencing that again.
Our brains are designed to protect us, and on occasion they protect us so well from pain that we miss out on a lot of pleasure as well. Simply put; it is fear and we all experience it.

The good news is with a bit of effort we can override our brains and habits and make different choices.
This is in fact exactly what we must do if we want to have more fun, happiness and success.
If you currently are not satisfied with any aspect of your life you can chose to stop protecting yourself from the what if something bad happens so that you can experience what if something good happens.

The first step to doing this is recognizing what stops you. Pay attention to what you say no to, what you avoid, when you hold back. Become aware of the real outcome you are afraid of and how it will make you feel. You may instantly know why you feel this way based on past experience or you may not. But with this awareness you can chose differently. Knowing the places that scare you and why is a starting point to do battle.
Typically, we have all had far more successes and good outcomes than failures and pains. But human nature weights the negative so much heavier than the good stuff it can be all but forgotten. Step two is recognize the times things went well. We fool ourselves thinking we are "always disappointed or rejected" but in truth it is not always. We must remember that we have and will have good outcomes as well so that we can push forward. I find myself frequently questioning my clients when they slip into all or nothing thinking using terms like always and never. Find the truth it is never always, but this thinking can stop us in our tracks.
As we move forward with this more optimistic and open minded view of life it is important as well to clarify the vision of the life we want o create in the first place. So the next piece is to create a vision of the life you want that is holistic. Spend time deciding what types of relationships you want, what kind of activity and work, how you will mange your health and connect spiritually. When we purse with intention the life we want it may not turn out exactly as we have planned but it will be closer or maybe better than we could ever have imagined.

By recognizing and removing the limits we place on ourselves and choosing who we will be and how we will live we give ourselves the freedom to live and express ourselves more fully which greatly increases the chance of something good happening.