Is Optimism a Form of Denial?

It occurred to me in a very recent ah-ha moment that optimism is a form of denial. I had been reading Pema Chodron’ s great book When Things Fall Apart, which is truly stretching my mind when I came to this realization. She is a Buddhist nun and the teachings around pain, suffering, reality and how we avoid or hide from so many of these things is eye opening. Two things I definitely know about myself: One,  I truly endeavor to be open to experience life fully, the good, the bad and the ugly. However, I chose to focus on the good most of the time rushing through the bad and ugly looking for the lesson and moving on to better more beautiful days, this is my MO. Two, as you can imagine, I am a die hard optimist.

Optimism. I have always thought this was one of my best qualities. Always looking for the best, finding the silver lining, believing in good outcomes ...seems great especially for a life coach right?

In fact, there is tons of research that indicates that high levels of optimism contributes to a happier life, better health, less stress, better job performance more satisfying relationships and more, I agree with all of this.

Yet I think it may also be a form of denial. It allows me to gloss over things and forget things that may be better remembered. It can diminish the gravity and weight of something that has gravity and weight for a reason.

The habit of always looking for the best is a great coping skill, one I no doubt developed during a very turbulent childhood and chaotic life. It has served me well to keep myself going, remaining hopeful and resilient, always ready to move ahead to brighter days.

But it also serves as a blinder, a buffer to reality that is often unpleasant or painful. It moves me through that experience toward something new and better over the horizon. I wonder if it is completely good to quickly move through something, to always seek the silver lining and keep hoping and striving for a brighter future rather than fully experiencing it?
Why must I hope or search for something else rather than accept what is and just be with it?

The Buddhist teachings suggest that life naturally contains suffering, that in our suffering there can be value and that our struggle to be rid of pain in fact causes us more suffering.

I do not pretend to understand Buddhist teaching, I am less than a beginning student of it’s lessons. But it does make me question if this hopeful optimism is as good for me as I once thought. What might I be missing?

That is not to say I knock optimism entirely, it does serve to increase our happiness and satisfaction, it does help us be resilient and move forward. There are better days ahead but there are worse days as well and we will always have both. We get into trouble if we fool ourselves into thinking one day all will be right with the world, one day we will be happy and things will be good. I used to think that way as a younger woman it led me to bust my ass trying to make everything just so. So much effort to make things happen, fix things, but they still broke. I have learned to let go of that, well most of that.

One can avoid what is true and real with optimism but also with cynicism, pessimism, nihilism or any other philosophical or religious perspective because these vantage points allow us to see things the way we chose to not necessarily the way they are. I think the goal is to see things the way they are and to accept them and to accept ourselves in relation to what we perceive. This is all part of our experience and growth as human beings, granting us insights of more compassion and understanding of ourselves and others. In the end isn’t that what it is all about?

I think the goal is to open our eyes to the things each of us use to dampen our experience in anyway and be aware that if we want to live fully we must challenge ourselves to look at things in new ways. If we want to become all that we are we must be willing to live all that there is. Life inherently has a positive and negative aspect and although our culture does a fantastic job of  telling us to seek pleasure and avoid pain at all cost if we do that we are in essence avoiding life.

I can only speak for myself when I say I do not want to avoid life, I want to live it fully. I can also speak for myself when I say that is scary. Honestly, I do not really know how to do it and certainly I do not know how to do it well. 

But I think that that is okay. I accept my lack of understanding and will continue to seek more. This is purposeful and requires work and courage. 

As I said, I am a die hard optimist so I believe I can do it.

What methods or beliefs do you use to avoid pain or rush past it?

Are you willing to feel and experience all life has to offer you?