Resolute Resolutions

 

It’s that time again. New Years brings parties and best wishes as well as best intentions and resolutions. It’s natural to want to grow change and improve and most often people pick a significant day as a starting point, hence New Year New You!



According to a University of Scranton Study 45% of Americans make New Year resolutions. They also found that 8% of those actually had lasting success with their goals. Many people diminish resolutions saying they do not work, however while 8% is a low percentage it is still a high number. Thousands of positive changes are made from resolutions every year. Truth be told it does not matter when you start to make the changes you most want what matters is your strategy and how resolute you are.

For too many people resolutions are merely declarations not commitments to change or growth. It is the  difference in those terms and approaches that makes all the difference.

 

There are a few keys to making changes that last and reaching your goals.Using these key strategies will help insure your success but what it comes down to is you; are you firmly committed and are you prepared to recommit as often as necessary until you are successful? That is what being resolute is all about. Conversely, a declaration is a statement of intent, a wish, an idea.

 

The Right Resolutions: Chose carefully, be sure it’s a goal that matters to you not something you think you should do or are being pressured by others to pursue.

To stick to a goal longterm it must have heart; your heart invested in it. Also, consider if attaining it will actually provide that outcome you seek. Know what you are truly after and why. This is a big key to the motivation you will need to achieve it.

 

Step by Step Strategy: Once clear on a specific reasonable goal, I recommend SMART goals as a structure to set Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic and Time framed goals. Break down your goal from the end result back to the first step and write down exactly what you will do to move forward and when in bite size doable steps.

Many people defeat themselves by setting a resolution with no structure to achieve it. Make a plan.

 

Be Resolved and Believe: We most often get what we expect and rarely get what we want. You must believe in you ability to achieve what you want and that you deserve what you are pursuing. Seems like a no brainer but we all have a negative voice that holds us back at times and can be very undermining.This fuels self sabotage such as when we cheat on our diet with a cookie after lunch then overeat the rest of the day since we have already screwed up or expect to gain back anything we lose on a diet since we have a yo -yo track record haunting us. We must commit and recognize our best efforts will vary day to day; a little slip is to be expected, recommit to your goals and return to the plan. Expect and believe in your success and keep returning to the path that leads you there.

 

Support Often overlooked, set up a support system that will help you. It is well documented that using written goals and sharing them with supportive positive people greatly increases success. Join a group, enlist a friend to join you, set up a competition, hire a professional. Nurture and recharge as well; change can be tough and stressful. Be sure you are balancing by nurturing your mind, body and soul along the way. Take time for fun and activities that refresh and recharge you. Bubble baths nights out with friends music mediation reading whatever works for you is crucial to keep you at your best.

 

Next year at this time what will you be most proud of?

What will you enjoy and experienced?

How will you grow and change to be able to say that 2014 was a great year?

Be resolute in your pursuit of what you most want in 2014.

Happy New Year!

 

Give Joy...It's free!

I sometimes become aware of a super power I have.

I have several of course but this one always makes an immediate impact and is so very appropriate at this time of year.

I am speaking of the power to make someone else feel good, to give joy.

It is amazingly simple in fact and not only has the power to change someone else's moment or entire day but also immediately makes me feel good as well.

Scientifically this makes sense. We know from studies that random acts of kindness increase dopamine and serotonin; brain chemicals associated with happiness not only in the recipient and the giver but even any witnesses to the kind acts.

Powerful stuff.

All around us this Holiday season we give, receive and see messages of "Be Merry, Joy, Happiness, Peace on Earth," but what are we actually doing about it?

I chose this season to say good morning to strangers and smile more often, be extra nice and considerate to sales people and servers, both groups that work tirelessly this season, to compliment people genuinely and listen intently whenever I can.

Taking a moment  to talk to people, be kind, laugh and make connections just makes life better and changes the dynamic of most any situation immediately.

The results are terrific. There is nothing better than to watch someones face light up at a good  morning smile or laugh with a stranger in line simply because you took the time to admire her boots and start a conversation rather than gazing into space as if there was not another human being close by.

Why don't we use this power more often?

Sometimes we forget or are a afraid, thinking we may be rejected or that we should mind our own business.

But as Ebenezer Scrooge famously said" Mankind is my business".

Sure, maybe a time or two you will not get the desired result or response. Do not take it personally you do not know what is on their mind that day that has them distracted or holds them back.You have nothing to lose. Remember, this is freely given as a gift; no expectations.

I challenge you this holiday season to get in touch with your superpower and spread joy.

I am confident you and all those around you will have a Merrier Christmas as a result.

 Happy Holidays!

 

 

 

 

 

Gratitude Challenge

This is the week of one of my favorite holidays!

I love to celebrate so I actually like all holidays to some extent.

However, this one is awesome celebrating traditions born in our country rich in history, setting aside time to be with family , friends and say thank you for all that we have.  I think of the original meal shared by diverse people of vastly different culture and belief. One can imagine language and customs that were very different coming together despite differences to share a meal and appreciate the bounty of harvest and new beginnings.

I am sharing today a worksheet I did with my Women Wine and Wisdom Group recently about gratitude. It has some things for you to consider as well as a challenge.
I would love to hear back form you.

 

As for me I am grateful for;

A healthy strong body and mind

3 healthy happy children each making me so proud as they pursue their greatness and passion all making a positive imapct in hte world.

Open honest clients who do me the honor of sharing a bit of themselves and their lives with me with such trust and grace

Wonderful friends that accept and love me as I am and share so much of themselves with me.

Creative business partners and connections that help me grow and develop

Patient, kind and generous coworkers who put up with me day after day

Music and sunshine, art and literature all which reminds me moment to moment of the beauty both around us and within us.

Have a wonderful holiday!

An attitude of gratitude is powerful.

But it requires a choice and some discipline.

At times we can easily become overwhelmed with challenges or just comfortable and complacent; taking things for granted.

 

Catalog a list of things in your life that you are thankful for.

Start with the obvious and large and round it out with the small things you may take for granted.

Go a step further to list the positive things you can be thankful for that are a product of difficulties or things you do not like. For instance a woman that may dislike her figure can also be thankful for a strong body that allows her to enjoy the world.

When we really look at things anew we discover the blessings in the burdens and trials or if not we can at least be thankful things are not worse.

 

Write this list out and use it this week. Read, reflect, revise.

It is powerful to be grateful in fact, it is impossible to be negative and truly grateful at the same time.

Use genuine gratitude to balance stress and unhappiness effectively. It is a natural mood booster!

 

 

 

 

 

Retreat

I had the privilege this weekend to facilitate a Women's Renewal Retreat as many of you know.

I have facilitated many events the past couple years but this was a bit different.

We stayed in the Homestead BNB which I am increasingly convinced is a magical place not only because each time I am there I find it serenely peaceful and relaxing but every event I have had there draws in the most amazing participants that seem to all fit together as if they are dear old friends. People just connect well in this space. Business groups and personal growth groups I have hosted here take on more intimate, nurturing aspects than you normally see with amazing speed.

It is a special place and such a gift to work with the owner, now good friend MaryKay. We have a partnership that just works, is fun and natural.

I also partnered with my daughter Rachel on the retreat which offers such a rare and wonderful opportunity to be inspired and proud at the same time. Wow! Hard to describe that...it truly was a magical weekend on so many levels.

It takes some courage to break away from normal routines, give up a whole precious weekend not fully knowing what to expect.

It takes some courage to share your thoughts and dreams, play full out, try new things, be open to new people, ideas, foods and experiences.

The group we had did all of that and more embracing all that we offered and each other to a level I could not have anticipated and am forever grateful to have been a part of. Thank you!

For me this is what it is all about, connecting people more fully to themselves and to each other so they can have more full and rich experiences and more satisfying, successful and happy lives.

Can't wait for the next one!

 

 

Coloring Outside the Lines

I have lived a rather varied life; at different times very regimented and conservative at others very free and fearless.

I have moved through being immobilized by weakness,limited thinking and insecurity as well as emboldened by  abundant courage, solid confidence and strength.

There have been times I have diligently followed all the "rules", the guidelines for a good life, to be a good wife, Mom, employee, friend, human. At other times I flexed my freedom being true to myself, making my own rules, living true true to my own values.

I have always been quite solitary and have learned to trust my own counsel regardless of how many times it has led me astray.

I also later in life have learned to trust that whatever the outcome it is ultimately good for me and  I am capable of not only handling it but possibly even enjoying it or at the least growing as a result. Admittedly, I am a slow learner, a late bloomer in some respects. And yet I believe to step forward is the only way for me even when I do not know where it leads. I have no reason to be like this, I just am.

It comes down to coloring inside or outside of the lines in a sense: Following the rules and formulas, the advice of others sometimes at a cost to your own creativity or coloring outside the lines going your own way and making your own picture even if no one else get's it.

It is pretty clear that the latter can get a bit messy, maybe in the end you will not have much on paper to show for it; but will it be more satisfying?

The romantic and optimistic part of me that has always won out says yes. That it is worth it.

Nonetheless, it is a struggle. With freedom comes responsibility, with independence accountability, with solitude loneliness.

Not following some structure leads to difficult stations, it often does not work well.

There is no one else to blame when you invariable screw up, no one there to share the credit with when you shine.

Honestly , I do not know which life is better or even if there is a better.

To live within the lines may provide safety, security, comfort, stability, ease and if you are lucky a neat little picture to hang on the wall in the end.

Life outside the lines may be risky, adventurous, lonely, passionate, difficult and may end up to be a big mess or just might turn out to be a one of a kind masterpiece.

In truth, whichever way you choose can be pretty messy and frankly you never know what you will end up with.

Like anything else we have to choose our methods or maybe ideally blend the two techniques to come up with a real piece of art.

 

 

 

 

My Manifesto

I was writing the other night on the subject of personal beliefs and how they influence and impact our daily lives yet we rarely truly consider what they are.  I stopped and started writing a list of my own beliefs and have made a manifesto to contain them. I hope that I embody these beliefs, I hope to be remembered for them and I hope I will alter them when and if they need to be updated.

When is the last time you considered the beliefs that shape your values and views of the world?

If it has been a while rest assured you are in good company. I can safely assume that if you ask most people they do not have a ready list of their beliefs and likely not a written collection. Yet, I think it is a revealing and valuable exercise to invest in.

Most of us have many underlying beliefs about ourselves and the world that we simply take for granted. They have always been there and we do not often think about if they are true or valid or where we even got the ideas in the first place.

Sometimes these beliefs are steadfast comforting guides, keys to our behavior that help us to navigate the world successfully.

But just as often these beliefs can undermine and limit us or our experience of life and cause us grief, guilt and suffering.

I encourage you to examine your own beliefs both about who you are how you live and what you think about others and the world. While you are doing this determine if these are true for you and if they serve to make you more or less happy and successful.

Give yourself the freedom and power to challenge yourself and fully embrace what you believe to be true or let go of what you do not to make your own Manifesto.

I would love to see it!

I have included mine below

My Manifesto

 

• I believe that a core of real self acceptance and genuine confidence is the foundation of happiness and success.


• I believe the rampant lack of this is the root of most suffering, sadness, violence, dissatisfaction and mediocrity.


• I believe and embrace that all of life’s experiences are a valid opportunity to experience fully what is available to me. I also accept that it is perfectly ok that I am not always happy about that experience at the time   it occurs but know I will eventually grow and become more because of it whether I like it or not.


• I believe life is good but not only good things happen


• I believe things that are difficult and horrific are part of life and not necessarily a result of bad karma or a failing on someone’s part.


• I believe that whatever happens in life is an opportunity to be more. That it often matters little the result or whether we win but how we showed up in the game


• I believe bad things happen to good people and good things happen to bad people sometimes.


• I believe that we all get to define what is good or bad in our lives for ourselves


• I believe everyone is created equal in worth and value yet completely unique and individual


• I believe that worth and value are intrinsic


• I believe humans are special in the world


• I believe and understand that we are not all given the same playing field or equipment to play with: that is life, it is not fair but it is good.


• I believe we all have the right to choose what we believe as well as how we want to think, behave and live and we should cherish and protect that freedom for all


• I believe that with freedom comes responsibility first to ourselves and then to everyone else


• I believe I am whole, complete and capable even when it appears or feels otherwise


• I believe that life is a treasure with more beauty and wonder than we can ever experience in just one lifetime but that we should give it a good shot


• I believe more in using things up then in saving them


• I believe less rules are better, at least for me


• I believe love is not always enough


• I think we typically make things much harder than we need to


• I believe we miss a whole lot of pleasure because we are so concerned with not feeling pain


• I believe people, the world and especially God are much bigger and more complex than we can ever hope to fully understand or define and I like it that way.


• I believe the world and everything in it is far to miraculous not to believe in a creative God. Brilliant!


• I believe we are a complex beautiful mixture of everything and can choose to express anything at anytime with mastery. Not all good, all bad, all nice, all evil etc. All things all the time even if it isn’t showing at the moment or we have more or less of it, it is in there.


• I believe that people have the power to change themselves and their lives dramatically at any time if they chose


• I believe life is about becoming more of yourself rather than becoming more of something or someone else


• I believe there are many versions of right and no one has to be wrong for me to be right, but they usually are:)


• I believe we take too many things too seriously and focus too little on what truly matters to us


• I believe I am here to make a difference and have an impact


• I believe I already have


• I believe there is much more of me and you to share and I hope we will have the courage, confidence and time to share it fully.

 

 

 

Look Up

 



Day to day living is such a hinderance to really living. We see and do the same stuff so often we do not even notice the treasures and beauty all around us.I think most the time most people go through their days in a routine and because of that routine sameness fail to see the beauty  that surrounds them.

I know this is true for myself as well and I am vigilant in fighting it. I make an effort to notice things and expose myself as much as possible to new people, ideas and experiences. I have done this so long that it is my way of life and I truly enjoy it. Weekly, daily if not hourly on a good day I learn something new, someone surprises me or I see something ordinary that through fresh eyes becomes extraordinary.

 

I have a lousy memory much of the time and limited childhood memories. But I can so clearly recall a moment like this when I was very young. I am not sure how old but under 9 is certain. I was looking at our sugar bowl, something I had seen and used everyday and suddenly I noticed it was beautiful. It was silver, unpolished, heavy, tarnished to a bronze-ish color with simple turns at the handles on either side. I just remember suddenly being struck that it was simple yet beautiful at the same time realizing I had never seen it that way before. It was like I had never seen it.

Each moment we are flooded with opportunities to experience life and the world around us in a myriad of ways. It is our habit to see what we expect to see and do what we expect to do and so the days fly by with little difference. Our brains must filter out somethings to focus on others, we would be on constant overload and unable to function if not. However, what do we miss as a result of this?

Both people and things have beauty like the sugar bowl that is always present but we do not see until we look up with fresh eyes.

It is profound, startling and exciting when we experience it. It makes life more interesting, rich and full when we choose to look up and see not only something new but that which has been there all along.

How can you look up and see more of what is around you today?

What in your life can you turn a fresh eye to?

What opportunities are around you that you may have not noticed?

This week what is one way you can add a new experience and be open to what it holds for you?

Are You Underliving?

UNDERLIVING 

VS

 LIVING IT UP

 

Underliving is defined as having an overall lack of passion or purpose in life.  Just getting by, surviving.

It is characterized by boredom and restlessness, being stuck in a rut and a feeling of dissatisfaction.

 

Living it Up is defined as having an overall sense of freedom, fulfillment and passion. Life has meaning and value. It is full of moments of joy and gratitude fun and creativity. It can be described as thriving, achieving and being authentic.

 

Which definition sounds most like your life?

Which one would you chose?

 

 

LifeScape Coaching helps people choose how they want to live their lives, write their own definition of living it up and actually live it

Call now for a free consult 630.664.9740



Sometimes you barely have to change anything to change everything

Life's Smorgasbord

Life is so vast and full.

For me it creates an excitement and desire to experience so much.

However, there is so much to be, do and have it can be overwhelming. So many options... so little time.

It really astounds me though how many people say they are bored, or live on auto pilot rarely experiencing anything new.

In fact, when we greet each other we often ask just that," What's new?"

Invariably we are met with the "nothing, same old thing"  response and typically we agree.

Often this is an automatic reply like " fine" is when asked how we are. But many times I think it is true.

I have made the observation that people tend to get into habits, routines or ruts. We are of course creatures of habits so it is very understandable.

We are met with a smorgasbord of life and not always knowing what to choose stick with what is already on our plate. Why not? We know we like it and even if we don't really like it we know how it tastes so we keep going back for more of the same thing.We see all the fancy exotic dishes and decide we have no room for it, may not like it or it may scare us to give up something familiar to make space for something new.

This thinking leads to settling.

People settle in all kinds of ways in their lives. Their career, relationships, vacations, hobbies even their mental and physical health. We also have many excuses and beliefs that keep us where we are.

The reasons for this are many and complex. But when it gets right down to it we do not have to settle even though we may feel we have no choice. As soon as you decide to do something different you can in fact choose it and do it.

Yes, I know it's not that simple right? It is hard to leave something or someone behind , scary to try something new, lonely to venture out of our comfort zone.

Okay , I agree it can be hard. I also remind you everything you have ever done that was worthwhile was for a time difficult. You may not remember learning to walk, ride a bike, earn a degree, go on a first date, learn to swim, lose a loved one.

And yet once we do it we discover it was not that hard after all or that the benefits outweigh the effort and discomfort.

One of the main motivators for me as a coach is helping people find a way to make room on their plate, to try something they have always wanted, to chose how they want to live and to have the confidence and courage to pursue it.

It has always seemed a shame to me to settle. To tolerate less, to live under our potential, to miss out on the wonders that are around us everyday.

While it is not possible to have all that we want and experience all the world has to offer in one lifetime I think it is possible to  have a pretty good sample platter.



Where do you settle for less than you want?

What do you tell yourself is the reason you put up with this?

How can you make room on your plate for a little bit more?

How can you harness more courage to live more fully the life that you want?

 

 

 

 

Someday...

 

Saturday, September 14, 2013

Some Day...

Ever notice how many things you put off in your life?

It seems everyone I speak with has a list of ideas, goals or dreams they are waiting to get around to.
Mine includes learning to sail, moving into the city, traveling to Italy as well as smaller things like new bedroom furniture and taking a Tai Chi class with my daughter.

So what holds you back?
Of course there are the biggies; time and money.
I can point to that reason myself.
Some of the others I hear are I have to wait till the kids are older, I cant take time off work, I don't know how, I am waiting to get my shit together.
The last one is my favorite. what does that mean exactly?
And how will you know when it occurs?

The truth is we never have enough time or money and certainly never have all our shit together.
Because of this we also never do all the things we want. Sometimes that leads to dissatisfaction or even regret and it always leads to living less fully than we truly want to.
The things in our hearts shift to the category of a vague someday, nearly forgotten.

I wonder if we are really held back by our reasons or if they just allow us to hide in the comfort of familiarity not pushing our comfort zones and ignoring the small voice inside us that begs for adventure and experiences?

In all honestly I had the perfect opportunity to travel to Italy 6 years ago, I told myself I could not because my daughters needed me to be here. It seemed valid at the time but in reality I could have easily been away 10 days and they would of enjoyed the break from me I am sure.

One of the values I have that lead me to be a coach is a passion for living life fully.
There is so much for us to experience and enjoy. It deeply troubles me when people do not live fully.
It seems an insult to all we have been blessed with to not experience the beauty and richness of all the world has to offer or at least take a good shot at it.

I think the main reasons we do not is a lack of awareness and fear.

First, we need to become aware of what interests us and what we are passionate about.
It is surprising how many people do not really know what those things are.
Secondly, we must have the courage to push through our fear and limiting thinking to go outside our comfort zone.
Lastly, we must do what it is we most want and if we do not immediately have the resources available create a plan to make it happen rather than just relegate our ideas, goals and dreams to the unending Limbo of someday.

I ascribe to the thinking that if something calls to your soul you are meant to do it.
I aspire to push through my comfort zones to live it.

“There is nothing capricious in nature and the implanting of a desire indicates that its gratification is in the constitution of the creature that feel it.”Ralph Waldo Emerson

“Life begins at the end of your comfort zone.” Neale Donald Walsch

Fireflies and Flying High

I remember when my kids were little catching lightening bugs and trapping them in a jar. I had done it once or twice as a kid and it seemed like such a simple summer evening activity.



They are fascinating little creatures; so fun to hunt and catch then watch as they glow in the jar. We would poke holes in the top of an old jelly jar, add grass and a few drops of water, I imagine you may have done the same.

Unfortunately, we would occasionally forget to set them free or maybe we wanted to keep them as pets but invariably it was not very long till their lights stop shining and they were lying at the bottom of the jar. They could not thrive trapped.

It occurred to me the other day how we each have our own light to shine and how we sometimes find ourselves stuck in that jar not thriving.

There is something unique that is within each of us to share . Those that discover it and are bold enough to pursue it and share it live extraordinary lives of more fulfillment, satisfaction and success. Those that don't tend to instinctively know something is missing, are bored and restless or disengaged and depressed. There are many that know they are called to do more but chose to hold back, allowing themselves to be trapped like the firefly in the jar destined to grow dimmer and never really fly.

Many times we are unaware we are doing this.  I think we fail to make the connection of feeling restless and bored to not fully being or expressing ourselves. Frankly, it is so common to hold back and play it safe it is almost expected and even encouraged.

It seems so simple that if there is something for us to be or do that we naturally would, but so often we don't. We hold back in fear.

Fear we will be rejected or fail, that our dreams won't come true so we do not want to try.

We trick ourselves into believing that if we do not try it will not hurt to miss the mark, we will not look stupid, we won't be laughed at.

The crazy thing is that in avoiding this possible failure we keep ourselves from having any chance at real greatness and the joy of being fully and fabulously ourselves. We unwittingly sentence ourselves to ho hum lives and the dissatisfaction of wondering "what if" just to insure we protect ourselves from a possible painful moment.

Believe me, I know how difficult this is to overcome. To take the time to search out what it is that you have that makes you shine the brightest. To boldly step out to share what you have, to defy all the naysayers that do not understand. I also know that great things and good times are never easy. And I know that the alternative most think is the safe choice is no picnic either. In fact, I contend in the long run it is far harder to live as less than you could be than to risk it all to shine and fly free.

The truth is it comes down to choice. What do you believe?

Are you willing to fly high and shine bright or will you trap yourself in the jelly jar?

 

 

 

The Value of Values

Personal values are not something most of us think or talk about much. Some even do not know how to define the word values it seems to refer to some lofty ideals or moral stand. In actuality personal values are just the things that matter most to you.

The fact that they are authentic and important to you is the only thing that gives them value.

Even with this definition it may have been a while since you put words to what matters most in your life. Why bother you may ask, I just know. Sometimes you may be surprised however when you define, name and list them. You discover things that have gone by the way side or find that they way you prioritize has shifted.

The value in knowing your values is simply this: when you live in alignment with them you will be happier and more successful. When we are clear on our values and make choices based on them things tend to go smoother and easier even when there are difficulties we feel more at comfortable knowing we are in alignment to what is important to us.

Conversely, when we do not know our values or are operating in opposition to them we will struggle, feel stressed- out and inauthentic. We often do not even realize this but we sure know how it feels.

Ever tell someones secret to someone else and feel sick to your stomach? You probably deeply value trustworthiness, friendship or privacy.

How about when you find your dream job where you set your own hours and are self directed? You probably value independence and personal freedom very highly.

In both our professional and personal lives values are key to more satisfaction and happiness as well as more success. Let’s face it, we work harder, better and longer when we like something and the best part is we don’t mind doing it. That is how we feel when work within our values. In our personal relationships we all know people that we meet that we just click with, having little conflict and very similar interests. If you are like me you could always use more of these people in your life. Chances are very good that these folks share your deepest values or ones that are very similar. On the other hand having people in our lives that oppose our values leads to discord and conflict.

I recommend assessing your personal and professional values every six months. They do tend to shift a bit and change priority status overtime. I have found it very helpful to myself and my clients to not only look for ways to create more outlets and alignment but also to find awareness of how we are not honoring or even are opposing them. Being clear on these can also explain why some things really bother you and how you can assert that same value to find relief.

You can make a simple inventory of words and list as many concepts and characteristics you can think of. Creativity, freedom, honesty, fun, nature, knowledge, curiosity, experience, adventure, religion, romance, health, fitness, laughter and so on.

Then go through the list several times narrowing to the top 10 then further to the top 5.

Reflect on how these impact your life where you are in line with them as well as areas that you may be out of synch. Make an effort to base your decisions and spend your time in honor to them and you will begin to see a difference in your life.

If you would like my simple values assessment tool I will be happy to email one to you. Just send me an email request for either the personal or professional values assessment or take both they are free and easy to use.

Julia@lifescapesite.com

Choosing To Move Forward

Looking at the choices we make on a day to day basis clarifies whether we are moving forward in our lives or not. Honestly asking ourselves about what we are doing and why while being willing to own the answers to change and grow is critical to get new results.

The hardest part of change is change. We naturally go back to our default tendencies our patterns and habits our comfort zones but this tendency is what keeps us stuck year after year. It is possible to make radical changes in our life. We can change our habits of thought and behavior. We can live with more authenticity, meaning, passion and success if we choose to. But we must be conscious of our choosing as well as diligent and committed. Understanding of course that to change requires change.

It is tempting to do some things and not others. To believe we are really trying when truthfully we are just testing the waters. It is hard to realize that this year looks a lot like last year and to admit that our game needs to be seriously stepped up. But it is vital to start with knowing that the common denominator is always ourselves and while that may not feel so good the good news is that we have the power to change that.

If all that does not sound so great to you maybe mediocrity suits you or maybe like so many others you will tell yourself you must settle for what you can get and spend your time wishing or complaining, feeling bored or stuck in a rut.That is a choice too and frankly, that is the popular choice. However, if that is not what you want and you yearn for more. You know you are here to live fully and be your best then start by taking a hard look at what you are really doing and the choices you make everyday.

I credit a seminar several years ago with Debbie Ford as providing me an aha moment that redefined who I thought I was. It was transformational in that it permanently shifted my view of myself. I obviously am a big fan of her work and was deeply sad we lost her recently but so grateful for the impact her work has had on me and countless others.

I recently finished her book The 10 Right Questions and again was struck with new revelations and insights. It became clear that I was not making daily choices that served my best vision of myself and my business. It was apparent where and why I was falling short. What a gift this is as I can now chose to fully explore these insights and move forward differently.

I highly recommend you read the book.

But will give you some of my thoughts it inspired.

One thing that is crucial when making a choice Ford says to ask whether it will bring short term gratification or longterm satisfaction. This measure I find is often overlooked by myself and others. We are a culture built on short term quick fixes and pleasure, this was the leading cause of our economic troubles as a nation in fact. Short term is seemingly easy way to live but it has huge obvious costs, robbing us of resources for our big picture dreams and goals.

Also, investigating whether you are being true to yourself or trying to please another. Doing what others think is best or putting everyone else first may at times seem generous and caring but really it undermines the only real responsibility you have and that is to be fully you. Doing this can also be a way we hide from being and doing what we truly want having the convenient excuse that we have other obligations.

Are you acting out of fear or faith? This one highlights the fact that all our decisions according to Ford and others will be based on these motivators. Sometimes it is the  fear something may not work out, rejection or looking bad rather than having faith in yourself and that things will work out well or at least the way they should for the greater good.

Looking for what is right. In all situations and on any given day we choose to focus on what is right and positive or what is wrong and negative. For most people focusing and talking about what is wrong is a major habit and pass time. Truly we are surrounded by this thinking daily. However, it is still up to us to acknowledge and choose whether we  look for what is right or what is wrong. There is no way around it you will find what you are looking for and feed what you are focusing on. This one habit is so powerful I think because it directly impacts your interaction with others, the results you get, your mood, success and happiness.

The whole idea of personal development coaching and self help training of all types is to bring awareness so that other choices can be made that work better. Through examining our choices and our actions honestly we can determine if we are on the right path in time to make adjustments or forge a new one.

“ The unexamined life is not worth living” 

Socrates

 

Getting What You Really Want

Have you ever really wanted something, worked hard for it, got it and felt dissatisfied or let down with it?

Chances are you have and on more than one occasion. This is very common and troubling for all of us at times.

There are very specific reasons this happens which are based in our thinking shaped by what we have and have not been taught. The good news is there are also ways to overcome it and find the satisfaction, success and happiness you seek.

 

Think about the things you want as packages for something you are truly after.

 

For instance; you really want a certain position in your company. You structure your goals and go for it. Once you achieve that role you are dissatisfied and even unhappy. The hours are longer than you thought, the work is not fulfilling, it leaves little room for your creative talents.

In this example you went for the package you thought would contain what you were really after. More flexible hours, more creative fulfilling work, you wanted those things so that you would enjoy more personal freedom and satisfaction. So that you would have an outlet through your work to make a difference, matter and have balance. However, the position was a just a package for you to attain what you really wanted and it simply was not in there.

 

We all think we want a wide array of things but usually they are just packages we hope contain our deepest desires.This happens in all areas of our lives; with career, weight loss and fitness goals and even relationships.

 

Typically we have learned to want, visualize and pursue the package of our deeper yearnings and desires rather than going for that in the first place or insuring that the package actually contains what we seek. Most of the time those deeper longings are not  even in our awareness. We have been told from many sources what things we need to be successful and happy and rarely talk about the few basic things and feelings we personally crave so many wind up pursuing dissatisfying things.

To avoid this requires some soul searching and self awareness.

It takes some honest thought to discover our most heartfelt desires but it is well worth it.

 

Start by considering what you want and then ask why you want it

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For instance, many people want a partner or love relationship. They can describe who they want in great detail. Height, weight, personality traits, appearance, income, interests and so on. Sometimes they are thrilled to find someone that closely resembles this, their “list “ person. However, soon they may feel something is lacking. In this example what they wanted is more than just the list, they are after something personal that a loving relationship can bring. It differs a bit for all of us but may include a feeling of security, affirmation, deep connection, acceptance it is a very personal thing that we find with someone special. It is what is inside the package of the list person that we find it or not.

 

Unfortunately when this happens, especially in relationships, we think there is something wrong with us. We think “why don’t I appreciate what I have?” Others may describe us as spoiled or never satisfied and we feel selfish, unrealistic or bad.

Most chose to ignore or tolerate this residual wanting and learn to take what they can get. Others continue to seek more shiny packages and hope that one day they will get lucky and open the “one”.Still others convince themselves that this is as good as it gets.

 

This contributes to why so many people stay in jobs they do not enjoy, relationships that are lackluster or lifestyles that are in a rut.

 

So what to do if you are not wiling to settle?

 

Congratulations! This is step one in a more fabulous and fulfilling life!

 

List the things you want

Detail why you want them

What do you hope to feel and achieve?

How does this serve you or help you grow?

Is it aligned with you highest values?

Does it move you toward your big picture vision of your self and your life?

 

For example I want______________ so that____________________

 

it may take more than one layer of “so that” to get to the main underlying desire.

I encourage you to dig.

When you have thoroughly excavated your list and are sure the packages contain what you seek... go for it! As a bonus you will find more energy and motivation than ever in your pursuits.

If however you discover it does not contain what you are after now you have at least identified what that is and can find something that will contain it.

 

This process can be tricky, it requires honest, intuitive thought and may go against other teaching or processes you have used in the past. You may require assistance to work through it with a great but unbiased friend or professional. But if like most of us you have worked hard to be disappointed I think you will agree it is worth it to work a bit smarter to be greatly rewarded.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Follow Your Dreams and Passions

As you probably have realized by now, I am a huge proponent of pursuing your dreams and passions with all you've got. I believe we all have strong desires to do fun, meaningful and important things. I believe that the nagging ones we have that really stir us are not to be ignored.  That you have that strong nagging desire for a reason and it is best you answer the call. Trust me, it is within you to do so even if it seems a stretch, that is why you have the call. I also know that when we  do pursue the desires and  ideas we are most passionate about and work to achieve our most meaningful goals we are the happiest and most fulfilled. On the contrary when we do not we can become resentful,  bored and deeply dissatisfied.

This is a belief I have always had and cherished. As a result  I have always admired people that live their lives this way.

My daughter Jessica is one of the people I admire for this very reason. She is currently preparing to leave for her Peace Corps service in Costa Rica on July 8. Jessica has had a call to serve others for many years and has logged many hours volunteering locally in a variety of programs from crisis intervention to teaching ESL.

Our family has always valued service and volunteering as well as an interest in people and other cultures. I clearly recall the article she read on the horrific ordeal of rape victims in Darfur when she was about 15 years old and her telling me she wanted to go there to do something to help. Since then she has not wavered in her commitment to serve in a 3rd world country. It has been a long process to get accepted to serve in The U.S. Peace Corps after graduating college but we are now counting down the days as she prepares to depart for the next 27 months as a volunteer working with youth services in  rural Costa Rica.

My three children all share my passion for following dreams and achieving goals and I admire them all for it. We are a close family and spend a lot of time together. Jessica will be greatly missed but at the same time we share her excitment and look forward to the life changing experience she will have and the connection and impact she will make there.

All of us have dreams, passions and desires. Sometimes life gets in the way and we can lose track of them even forgetting them at times. But if we listen carefully they remain. They can be the source of restlessness or discontent a nagging feeling something is missing or a loud siren alerting us it is time to take action.

I believe that those of us bold enough to  follow these calls are richly rewarded and all of us are better for it as well.

"There is nothing capricious in nature and the implanting of a desire indicates that its gratification is in the constitution of the creature that feel it" Ralph Waldo Emerson

“If one advances confidently in the direction of one's dreams, and endeavors to live the life which one has imagined, one will meet with a success unexpected in common hours.” Henry David Thoreau

Mother's Are Always Role Models

I have in recent years come to realize how much influence my mother has had on my life.

For a long time I minimized her impact preferring to think because I am so different from her that I was not very influenced by her at all.

The truth is that many of my strongest characteristics, my lifestyle and even my career can be connected  to lessons and conclusions drawn from her.

I should say that my Mother and I are not close, she is reserved, negative and has never been the affectionate or motherly type. She is a home body and loner.

I am passionate, optimistic, affectionate and expressive.

I have a strong maternal instinct and am dedicated, loving, affectionate to my children. Some say I do too much but  I have given all I have to my kids; my heart, soul, money and time. I took my job very seriously, still do.

I am independent, confident and social enjoying all of life.

In these ways and others we are very different women; values, ideals, styles. Her influence is apparent in my choice to be so different.

Recognizing her impact on me as well as the impact I have had on my own children has been both humbling and profound. Being a Mother is an enormous undertaking and responsibility. Mothers have more impact on their children in most cases, than any other being in their lives.That impact can be a powerful, positive force forming a solid foundation for their lives or a negative weight that may hinder them for years to come. Most often it is a mixture of both and maybe as Moms all we can strive for is to offer an experience that is more positive and solid than negative and weighty.

There is no denying however that we are role models; whether modeling the traits and behaviors to avoid or ideally showing through shining example how to be a well balanced, healthy, happy and successful human being.

Somehow I instinctively knew that when raising my kids. I recall being very aware of the responsibility and enormity of the task.

Certainly, I  model  behaviors and traits that are not the best, but overall I see in my grown children many positive ideals, values, habits and behaviors that I share or influenced. I have been fortunate that they are all smart enough to have adopted the good and improved on most of  the others.

So many times when our children are growing up we think they are not listening, but one day you will overhear them giving some of your advice or passionately defending a value you hold dear.

Keep in mind they are watching too. They see who we really are. They know if we walk the talk and live our ideals. They learn values from our behaviors more than  just what we say.

Children adopt their sense of themselves from their mothers, their view of others and the world as well as hundreds of other attitudes and beliefs. This does not lessen the impact and importance of Fathers or other influences but most of the time the Mother has a primary and unique role. If you really take it on it is a massive job to be a Mom. It is both exhausting and greatly rewarding but there is no greater impact you can make on the world than to give to it wonderful human beings.

Mothers are always role models.

Are you being the role model you want your children to have?

Happy Mothers Day!

 

What If ...Why Not

Such an interesting and common thing how so many of us talk about what we want to do:  eat right, make it to the gym, travel, go back to school even little "more " stuff like be more kind, get more rest, read more, have more fun.

What if you really did the things you say you want to do?

Just imagine for a moment...what would your life be like?

Honestly, we are pretty good at listing the reasons or excuses that we do not do the things we say we most want.

But, what if we did?

How might life be if you gave it your all?

If you committed to the large and small goals you have in your mind?

If you really showed up authentically in your life and relationships and gave your best effort to pursue that which has meaning and value to you?

I wonder...

You may think this idea is nuts, sounds like a lot of hard work and you may already be thinking of all your reasons and excuses this would not work for you.

What if you could turn all those reasons and excuses into inspiration?

Many great people have... I think it is your turn.

There is nothing so hard as living a life thinking of what might have been.

Live all out!

More Than Rose Colored Glasses

So everyone knows I am an optimist. I also happen to know that my optimism is irritating to people sometimes. I understand that of course since people often want to hang out in the negativity for awhile and wallow or complain a bit and that is okay as long as it is just a while I guess.

What many people may not know is that I was not just born this way I have cultivated my optimism over the years intentionally. As a young person coming from a highly dysfunctional, neglectful and violent home I was not bred on seeds of positivity and self- esteem. But what I did walk away with was a strong sense and desire that there was something different, better and more out there as well as a quiet knowing that it was up to me to find it.

These beginnings are what led me to search for answers and cultivate hope and optimism for a better and brighter future filled with good times and good people. I have not been disappointed. Sure, things do not go as planned; I have had excruciatingly painful moments and multitudes of struggles but the belief that more good is coming has not failed me and has kept me moving forward especially when things seemed bleak.

Hope... It is powerful and really is what optimism is all about.

Rather than look to the difficulties,traumas and trails in life as evidence of it's futility and begin to to build a case for pessimism, see these as the reason to maintain and pursue a brighter attitude to prevail knowing that better days lie ahead as long as you choose to create them.

Winston Churchill said "If you are going through Hell, keep going"

Bad times serve us well to grow, point us in new directions and to motivate us to be, do and have more. Certainly, they are never times to hang out and stay stuck in.

Optimism has many benefits a few are:

It spurs us forward with new ideas and fuels our fire to take risks and be bold.

It is proven to increase health including better immunity and less heart disease.

It lessens depression, stress and anxiety.

It certainly is an attractive trait.

High achievers in all professions score well on optimism assessments, it breeds success.

It is more than just rose colored glasses. Optimism is about a hope that things can and will be positive. That you are capable to not only survive but thrive and do well. That no matter the challenge there is an upside and good outcome to follow. It is a choice of perspectives that encourages room to grow, expand and continue to pursue our dreams and ideals. It allows us to be happy and enjoy life more fully.

Choose to cultivate more optimism, the world will be brighter, people will be nicer and you will be more happy and successful as a result.

 

Changes Ahead

Sometimes what we need is a change of scenery, a fresh approach or a new perspective. Other times things in our life changes occur that we did not want or expect.

I have by nature always embraced change rather well. I really like variety and seek out new ideas and experiences. Of course there have been times that I have hesitated and worried, even held back and missed an opportunity that may have benefited me, but overall I believe change is good, intriguing and leads to growth.

I recognize not everyone shares this charecteristic. In fact, change presents many hurdles for people and in some cases ignites serious anxiety and fear.  Many people will go to great lengths to avoid change even if the status quo is very unpleasant.

It seems our approach to change is intricately linked to our general outlook on life; as an optimist or a pessimist.

People that are more optimistic, I am irritatingly so, tend to believe that change will be good, presents opportunity and that they will do well. Pessimists typically believe that change is going to cause a problem, will be difficult and upsetting. Most of us are a mix of both of course so our reactions are often mixed as well.

What we many times do not realize is that our orientation as either pessimistic or optimistic is not set in stone and that we can choose to shift our outlooks to serve us better. That's a whole other topic though.

Occasionally, we all want change it is part of our personality to seek new experiences and discover new things to one extent or another. I think that we are creatures of habit but at the same time seekers of change, this can cause a rub.

But when it gets right down to it we get stuck in ruts, bored and restless and sometimes a bit of change is just what we need to feel invigorated and energized. These changes are more palatable; a vacation, new restaurant, redecorating, taking a class or trying a new hobby. Doing these things on a regular basis keeps us engaged, sharp and happy. It also makes us more equipped and adaptable to the changes we face that are not our choice. Loss of a job, the ending of a relationship or our children moving away are times we seemingly have no choice but in truth we do we have the choice how we will respond.

Being adaptable, optimistic and flexible by embracing small positive changes in life goes a long way to support us to use those skills to best navigate the other changes that invariable come our way but still hold the promise of growth and goodness if we chose to respond well.

By the way stay tuned for some changes ahead, in the next week or so you will see a newly designed site. Please send me some feedback on what you do or do not like.