Developing a Positive Attitude

Certainly it can be challenging to maintain a positive outlook on life.  Struggles with personal finances, job loss or stress, divorce or difficult relationships, health issues in our own lives or a loved ones impact many of us. As well as what at times seems like a barrage of negativity and misfortune from family and friends, when you add to that the evening news some day’s things look very bleak.

How does one combat all this “reality” and remain positive, optimistic and hopeful?

It is really a choice and a willingness to develop some new habits.

Here are some keys for getting started:

1. Make a habit of counting your blessings: it may seem trite but this is scientifically supported. Spend some time each day being thankful for the good stuff even if it is simply a beautiful sunset, the love of a friend or partner, a great cup of coffee. Also take note of how you are a blessing to others; what good stuff do you provide to others? How do you make a positive impact?


2. Surround yourself with positive people: We do chose who we spend time with, minimize negative people and increase people that laugh, enjoy life and are doing well.


3. For every wrong find a right: As you observe what is not working well, either personally or in the world, force yourself to find and name something good that is working well. In all things there is more than one aspect; get in the habit of finding a counterbalance then choose to focus on the positive aspects rather than the negative.


4. Be solution focused; change your perspective on challenges as they arise. These are opportunities to problem solve, stretch yourself and grow. Although tough times stink when we are in them in hindsight they provide the most growth as well as hidden opportunities. Be open to the challenge to find the solution and know that you will get through while benefitting from all you will learn from the struggle.


5. Dream up the best possible outcomes; it is said that we do not get what we want in life but what we expect. Do you expect things will work out well or that you will be successful? Create a vision of you completing a task well, of your relationships being fun and loving; visualize specific events and how you will manage them well before you begin. Top athletes have used this for years as they visualize in great detail the sporting event and their performance going perfectly. This imprints your mind, creates optimism and prepares you for what lies ahead.

Keep in mind you are developing this, cultivating positive ways of thinking is not done overnight. Pick a strategy or two and use discipline to implement it to develop a habit of thinking and behaving. These things do change with a bit of effort and will make a positive impact in how you feel, how others interact with you as well as the results you get in all aspects of your life.

It may well be the single most important thing you can do for yourself ; as you shift your attitude to be more positive you will find your feelings as well as your behavior will follow naturally which will quickly change your world.

I invite you to try some of these ideas to get started but please feel free to contact me I would be happy to send more ideas or help you develop a personalized plan to foster a positive attitude and cultivate p optimism to create a life you love.

 

 

 

The Blessing of Choice

It sometimes seems we are surrounded by choices...in fact it is true, we are. Ones we may take for granted; what we eat, who we spend time with, our attitude. As well as those we agonize over; whether to continue a relationship, change jobs, relocate. The truth is the quality of our lives is a direct result of the quality of the choices we make.

That may be a burden or a blessing to accept, but it is true nonetheless. I think of it as a blessing as I recognize my current reality is a result of many choices I have made previously it empowers me with the knowledge that if I want different results I have the power to make different choices moving forward.

Taking responsibility is a blessing that allows control and options, conversely feeling a victim to circumstance and fate offers no ability to make an improvement or change course. This is a very important distinction; the perspective you have greatly influences your quality of life, ability to succeed and peace of mind.

Sometimes when I introduce this concept of the power and responsibility of choice people take offense assuming this assigns blame. If they are unhappy or doing poorly they may be reluctant to want to own their part in it and frankly can become very angry about this idea. This reaction actually confirms the problem as they have held a viewpoint without choice or control that blamed their circumstance or misfortune on outside events, feeling victim and helpless to change things. This viewpoint only serves to keep them perpetually stuck and unhappy and must be shifted for positive change to occur. Blame and guilt are never useful rather an understanding that the choices made seemed valid at the time with the information and perspectives of that moment, another topic in itself...stay tuned.

Certainly, there are many outside circumstances we do not choose: we do not pick our parents or families, even the country, culture or area we were raised in, many of us have been victims of crime or abuse, have been downsized, betrayed or fallen seriously ill.

The thing to be aware of even in these dramatic, challenging and devastating circumstances is the ability to choose our reaction to them and how we will move forward in spite of them.

Furthermore, the level of success and happiness we enjoy, the types of work we do and relationships we have, in essence most of the day to day aspects of our lives is a result of a multitude of big and little decisions we have made throughout our lives both in what we have decided to do or how we decided to think.

In all cases recognizing the power of choice we have and exercising it allows us room to heal, grow, and find our ultimate success and happiness by choosing to pursue it.

Does that feel like a blessing or a burden to you?

What one thing are you currently doing or involved in that if you had to choose again you would choose differently?

What area of your life would you like to see different results?

How can you make new choices now that will lead to the results you most want?

" The last of the human freedoms...mans ability to choose his attitude ... to choose his own way"

Viktor Frankl 

A great resource for understanding and accepting things beyond our control and finding meaning in all life is Viktor Frankl's phenomenal, life changing book "Mans Search for Meaning"

Freedom and Choice

Over the past several years I have been on a heightened journey of discovery. During this time I have studied a large variety of teachers, questioned myself, reevaluated many ideas I once held as true and found that I have come out in all shades of gray with very little black and white anymore. I have examined my list of personal rules and beliefs and held some dear but have been happy to let most of them go after finding many were not serving me well, holding me back or frankly, just silly.

What I have learned is everything I could ever learn will always be vastly less then there is to know.

That is both comforting and powerful; there will always be new information, new perspectives and opinions. That also means there are multiple solutions, choices and possibilities.

I have learned that everything is multifaceted. All situations, circumstances and people are complex and richly layered with nearly endless ways to be perceived, approached, handled and appreciated.

It is the the freedom of the power of choice I suppose: To choose ones own way, ones own rules in life as well as the attitude given to it.

As Frankl says this is our last freedom, one that cannot be taken from us.

Knowing that one thing changes everything.

Having the power to choose and the knowledge that there are endless good choices, confident that if you make a seemingly not so good choice, in the end one way or another, it all serves to get us where we are to go and to become who we are to be.

I think this is an amazing gift of freedom and I am enjoying it.

There are of course many times we do not see the options but if you look hard enough they are there; if not in the circumstance then in our response to it and how we allow it to impact and define us. Sometimes this may only become clear with much thought or in hindsight but it is there. Oftentimes we need the help of a friend or coach to shift through it. But we can start by asking ourselves questions.

• What beliefs do you hold about the world or about yourself that may hold you back from doing or being what you would really like to be or do?


• What rules of conduct do you keep for yourself and do they serve to make your life better or worse? More free or limited?


• Are the rules and beliefs you have yours? Where did they come from? Are they true and valuable to you?


• What circumstances in your life might be completely different if you chose to look at it from a slightly different or even opposite but valid perspective?


• How could a shift in attitude about how you approach a situation, your day , relationship or career impact your life and that of those around you?

Sometimes you barely have to change anything to change everything....a few shifts in thinking can open up a whole new world.




"The last of human freedoms - the ability to chose one's attitude in a given set of circumstances. "

Viktor E. Frankl

 

Back On Target

Wow!

I have been gone for quite a while!

It surprised even me to see that I have not written a post since the beginning of June.

That was when my daughter told me she was getting married to her long time boyfriend...In July... Of this year.

It has been a wonderful whirlwind of activity since then. I chose to take a vacation from all I could to make time for her  in my role as her Mother and co-Wedding Planner. We had a tremendous amount of fun and it was a lovely wedding ...now it is time to get back to work.

Do you ever do that? Just get everything turned upside down to deal with an immediate pressing issue?

In some regards dropping things that can be dropped helps to maintain balance, even though at first glance it appears quite the opposite. It seems you are putting all your energy into one major endeavor and maybe just coasting or neglecting other areas. That may not seem very balanced.

But if you think of balance as it truly is; always fluctuating and dynamic, not stagnant...then it is easier to see that when something heavy is added to one side some other things must be removed to have some stability. Picture a scale, a popular symbol for balance.

I think sometimes we unrealistically assume having balance means having it all;  some of everything going, all the balls in the air at the same time if you will. But when we do that it requires extreme effort and focus and is franky exhausting, if even possible.  When is there time to take the eyes of the balls and just relax or enjoy life? Think of when we use the term juggling; usually when overwhelmed, stressed, negative.

The real balance is attained when we have a good mix of things in our lives. Not in the quantity or even variety so much but a mix that combines work, challenge and growth with fun, recreation and enjoyment. This formula is ideal in that it appeals to both aspects of ourselves helping us feel good and remain at our best.

This becomes easier when work and play are blurred , such as with the Wedding planning. Six weeks to plan a wedding entails a lot of work but it was filled with equal if not more enjoyment and fun as I had the pleasure to plan the event with my daughter and her fiance.

Now I am back to work and in my role as a coach. I am fortunate to write speak and work with people, all things I love doing so work and play are blurred making balance easier to attain.

• Where in your life might you need to balance the weight of work and responsibility with play and pleasure?


• How can you incorporate more fun into activities that are usually just work or drudgery?


• Where can you blur the lines between work and fun in your life?


• Are there areas that you may need to lessen the load to stabilize while something pressing is occurring?


• After a long hot summer is it time for you to get back into a routine or start a new project?

Coaching can help you to create balance and be a springboard to start or restart working toward your goals.

Give me a call for a free consult

I am ready to get back to work!

 

 

 

I Believe Therefore I am...

We view ourselves and the world through what we believe. What we deeply, even subconsciously believe is the basis of our thoughts, behavior and ultimately the quality of our lives.What we believe about ourselves, what it means to be a man, a woman, sucessful, happy or in love... just for starters.

Building of my last blog about self worth, which is the other big ticket life influence, let's focus on beliefs now.

Honestly, you can have a pretty solid sense of worth, and still have limiting beliefs that you have accumulated from others and your experiences that greatly effect your behavior and success. For instance, you are strong and confident about yourself but have an underlying belief you would never be a good wife or partner, you just are not good at that type of thing. Or possibly your beliefs about long term relationships are that they are painful or difficult. This may result in holding back from meaningful relationships or maybe even sabotaging them unintentionally.

It is possible and in fact probable, that you are strong and confident in some aspects of life and less so or a hot mess in others.

Underlying beliefs can prevent us from having the life we truly want if at some level without our awareness, we believe it is not possible, that we do not deserve it , if we had it it would not last, we are not adequate, no one our age can do it etc.

Sometimes it is subtle: We have subconscious notions for instance about relationships, money, parenting etc. Whatever those are we will fit our thoughts and behaviors to that ideal. Sometimes this can be limiting or destructive especially when we are ready to do something new or move to the next level. For example; if we believe one cannot be a great mother and have a great fulfilling career at the same time you will always struggle and prove that belief to yourself over and over. You may let the obligations of one interfere with the other or limit one, convinced it has to be put aside. This creates tremendous turmoil.

These are self fulfilling prophesies and I am sure you can think of many. There are many conscious ones, stuff we say without thinking and take for granted as true, but there are many more that hide even from us. "If they really knew me they would not like/love me, or I will never have any money, I am uncoordinated and can't dance, I am too old to try something new, people love me only because I take care of everything, men are only attracted to how I look" and on and on.

There are also the biggies; what you believe and perceive overall about the world and people in it that color you interactions, behavior and the results you get personally and professionally. Do you think the world is a good place, that life is wonderful, full of opportunity and adventure or is it drudgery, difficult and full of suffering? Kinda changes your approach to a day huh?

There are countless beliefs about who we are, what we are capable of as well as how we perceive others and the world around us that influence all our thoughts, attitudes and behaviors which result in our ability to be successful, fulfilled and happy.

If you have reached a plateau in your career or personal life , or you have patterns of behavior and habits that do not serve you well or maybe areas of your life that just are not the way you want them to be despite your best efforts; your beliefs hold the key. With awareness you can begin to challenge them  and shift them to be more positive, useful and freeing.

So how do you know what your beliefs are if they are largely subconscious and what can you do about it?

You can start by playing detective; pay attention to hot buttons you have and ask why it bothers you, look for the deeper reason. A hint: it will always come back to you, really it is not about them or a thing but a feeling within you.

What qualities exasperate you in others? How are they related to your own qualities?

Ask yourself why you are doing things, how things make you feel, what might this be related to, how might that hold you back?

What are you afraid of? If there is something you have always said you want and sill do not have? Explore what you are afraid would be the outcome of having it or what you may have to let go of to allow it.

What if something else where true?

Be willing to open minded and honest. Get in the habit of more self awareness this is the first step to the changes you want to make to live a life you love. 

What Are You Worth?

It seems that both in my own life and from my observation and experience of others that when problems arise or something is holding us back from our best it can always be boiled down to the same factors: Our self worth and beliefs.  Self worth is the basic value you put on yourself and your life. From this stems fundamental beliefs about what you are capable and deserving of.

Beliefs are strongly held and mostly subconscious about ourselves and the world. These beliefs filter and color everything we see and do often without our awareness. Our worth of course is based on our beliefs so these concepts go hand in hand.

When we reach a plateau; not quite reaching our ultimate goal or find ourselves stuck in patterns of thinking and behavior that do not serve us well and we want or need to make some significant lasting changes it is these factors that we want to examine, challenge and shift.

These two factors are so complex, influential and impactful they do not lend themselves to short blog articles so I will just start with some basic ideas today on self worth and value and go deeper into beliefs next time.

Underlying everything is how you view and accept self, that colors how you view and accept the world and that determines to very large extent your level of happiness and success.

So that is the root; lets start there.

How do you value yourself? What do you believe to be true about yourself?  Where did those ideas come from and how are they serving you?  What are you worth and how do you judge yourself and others in this regard ? How we judge others, whether loving and accepting or rejecting and harsh may tell us much about how we feel  about and judge ourselves.

 To value yourself:  to feel connected and equal to all those around you, accept your bright qualities as well as the stuff you are not thrilled about as all being valuable unique parts of the total complex and beautiful package of you. This is the ideal and for most of us requires work and may ultimately be the lifetime goal we all strive for.

These concepts may serve you well; if you perceive yourself to be intelligent, capable, strong, lovable and fun your actions and results will reflect that and you will also likely have good relationships with others as well.

Some of us have quite the opposite unfortunately and struggle greatly in our lives with negative self talk, feeling inferior, stupid, unlikeable and so on.

For most of us it is a combination: feeling strong or pretty good in some areas and shaky in others, in certain situations we are confident and capable others make us feel weak or inadequate. Honestly, we all have some times that push our buttons and the vulnerabilities come out.

To be your best and reach your potentials it is necessary to explore these areas and identify your strengths as well as shift the negative concepts to be more positive and supportive. This is really about getting to the underlying issues that drive us . We know that thought drives behavior so we want to tackle those fundamental thoughts. When we just try to change behavior without shifting the thought and belief that drives it it is much more difficult if not impossible to affect lasting change.

A couple years ago I went through a process of challenging my own self concepts and beliefs and redfined and reframed things for myself so that I had more self acceptance and freedom. This has been pivitol for me. In fact,  it was transformational. As soon as I got it, I had it and had it for good, transforming my belief and perception permanently. Naturally there are more beliefs to challenge but now I am solid and ready!  Some of the insights I gathered may be worth your consideration as you search for your own.

Understanding what makes one valuable;  knowing it is intrinsic to all from birth the value and potentials of each unique being. If you believe that as I do and always have very strongly you must also apply that belief to yourself. Funny, I believed that for my whole life just not applying it to me for a long time. The verse that we are all created in Gods image always has been very meaningful to me. I accepted it since childhood for all others but forgot to fully apply it to me.

Knowing what traits/things are truly valuable: It  is not facts or knowledge, looks or anything on the surface, it is not things one easily gains or loses in life, it is what one has come to life with; the unique essence of who you are your unique traits, passions, talents, quirks, strengths, potentials and vulnerabilities. This is one area our culture misses the boat on especially in recent history . All types of people  misled into thinking what one does, has or looks like is what sets them apart and makes them special. I believe this one fundamental misunderstanding of worth and value causes countless misery. Leading us to value empty ideals, pursue meaningless things, feel divided and deeply dissatisfied.

Really knowing and appreciating who you are begins when you start to look at yourself differently, to stop judging yourself,  to treat yourself  as fairly as you would anyone else. To accept and celebrate who you are, all of you. We all come into this world with one unique gift in common; ourselves. We ought to accept it and appreciate it right? This is the key.

 Explore what you believe about you, self worth, value and beliefs, I would love to hear your insights.

" In the faces of men and women I see God"  Walt Whitman

Happy Mothers Day!

I love this day !  My three kids have always done such a beautiful job of making me feel loved, appreciated and special. I have raised a son and 2 daughters all adults now that have turned out to be people that I not only love but really like, respect and admire. They are my favorite people! It is wonderful as a mom to reach that point were you know they are all good, I am very proud.

I often describe the experience of parenting to the famous Dickens opening line from a Tale Of Two Cities," It was the best of times it was the worst of times",  kinda sums it right up? Certainly the most challenging, complex and frustrating yet joyous, rewarding and fulfilling experience in my life. I had my kids young; I have always been a Mom, we grew up together.

In retrospect one can evaluate what they did wrong, imagine what they would do differently or better; I have a long list of that of course. But I also know I did the best I knew how at any given time and all has contributed to them being who they are. In the long run I can only hope they take the good stuff I gave them and will adopt it as their own and will learn to avoid the things I did that did not work so well, finding their own better way.

Mothers Day can be a difficult day for some as well. I know many that miss mothers they have lost. Ones that were loving and powerful forces in their lives taken away all too soon.

Others have pain or resentment for Mothers that were never the loving guides and nurturing supporters they needed. Stuck on this day searching through cards that are overly sentimental trying to find something simple or not acknowledging their mothers at all.

A Mother is arguably the most significant influence in our lives. The impact is powerful whether it is negative or positive. Even not having a mom for some reason growing up leaves a lasting impact. Whatever impact your mother has had in your life it is good to have a day to reflect and be grateful for the good things she passed onto you as well as the examples of things you do not want to be. It is all useful, it is all growth, it all makes us the beautiful complex people we are to be.

So today I look forward to being well fed and attended to, appreciated for whatever good impact I may have had.  Moreover, today I am reminded of the impact these three children have had on me. They have been the most wonderful, significant experience of my life. They have stretched me and made me grow, brought tears to my eyes countless times more often than not because I was laughing so hard. They are ambitious, curious, intelligent, funny, passionate and kind

Thank you Jason, Jessica and Rachel I love you!

 

 

 

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