Is The Credit and Blame Game Holding You Back?

Who get's the credit and or blame in your life?

It seems when things go wrong as they invariably do, many of us, at least privately are quick to blame and even belittle ourselves for our fault. Many people publicly, loudly pronounce themselves stupid or inept in some way. Often times, we punish ourselves dramatically and frequently  for  mistakes or short comings that happened years before. We are eager and willing to assemble a long list of exactly how and where we missed the mark.

By and large we have little trouble accepting the blame when things go wrong, and we do not quickly forget.

Conversely, many people have a very hard time accepting the credit when things go well, even when they have a momentous success. We diminish our part, write it off to blind luck or thank God or the universe for causing something to happen. Frequently, no matter the victory we will find pieces within it to criticize or point out our failure to have done more or better. At the least, many of us will humbly accept some credit and  then forget all about it choosing to focus instead on the next challenge without really recognizing or celebrating the success.

There are numerous answers for this I am sure. Upbringing, culture, hard wiring, habits of thought and behavior. But whatever the reasons this type of behavior and thinking does us harm and limits us from being our best.

Our reference point of credit and blame is a large part of how we explain our world and importantly our possibilities in it.

Do we believe we have the power to achieve great things by our own volition or is it dependent on luck or divinity? Are we able to recognize and thus build upon our triumphs and draw upon our strengths? Do we criticize our real or imagined failings and so keep ourselves from attempting or even believing in our best? Are we ready to go over the long list of times things did not work, of mistakes we have made as evidence not to trust ourselves and prove our certain failure before even trying?

For us to be fully our best selves and be successful we must manage these types of thinking habits.

1. Take stock of your achievements and things you have overcome, write them down as well as the specific talents skills or problem solving you were able to use successfully.


2. Pay attention  to your habits of credit and blame: Are they fair? Shift your perspectives to include you as the central role in your life that you play. Be conscious of  being overly focused on the negative and diminishing your own achievements and abilities. Notice if you allow past failings to predict future ones.


3. When embarking upon an new challenge prepare yourself by drawing upon past evidence of your capability and victories as proof you are ready to succeed once more.


4. Acknowledge if you wish divine blessing but realize you made the choice to use those gifts well and be proud of your part.


5.  Choose to recognize that all that has happened thus far in your life is an important part of your success story.

The truth is the things that did not work or even failed miserably  often teach the best lessons.Pointing out areas of growth or to signal the need for a new direction.

The victories you experience both large and small highlight your strengths to build upon, define your talents and passions and provide evidence of you amazing abilities.  These successes stock the shelves and build the skills and confidence you need to face more challenges and try new things.

Developing  a healthy balanced approach to the credit and blame game will empower you to do your best. Be responsible for all you make happen in your life and know it is ultimately for your growth and good and leads to your success.

Eliminate Stress from the Core

What stresses you out? What keeps you up at night, gnaws at you, makes your head throb and your muscles tight?

We all have stress and anxiety at times, unfortunately for some of us it is a lot of the time.

Much has been written, including a bit by me, regarding managing and reducing stress, ideas that are proven, solid and helpful as well. Keep in mind some stress and anxiety is useful and should be used as a natural warning sign something is amiss and should be paid attention to. Now a days though everywhere you turn people lament that they are "stressed out" and need relief.

But what if there were a way to eliminate stress from the core? Make an underlying powerful shift in perspectives that would head off any uncomfortable reactions in the first place...would you be interested?

The truth is events, circumstance and situations are not stressful in themselves. They do not have  meaning other than that which we assign them. This is the key reason; our individual interpretation that explains the disparity of how people react to and handle "stress". So the trick is to get to the core. The core thought and emotion that fuels your reaction that does not serve you. Accept the fact that it is not the thing but how you think about it and now you have the power to change how you think about it, manage and react.

With some effort you can change the way you look at things, greatly reducing what you even consider to be stressful.

You can better recognize what is under your control and let go of what is not.

You can understand the real importance and significance of things and not sweat the small stuff.

You can store up your resources and recharge yourself regularly. Be confident in you ability to handle any and all challenges that come your way. You will then be well prepared when called upon.

You can chose when things are difficult to focus on the strengths, blessings and lessons as well as the opportunity to dig in, access your best self and grow as we invariable do in challenging times. Something good always comes, expect it.

Shifting how you think about and approach the "stress" in your life has the power to transform it and you and with enough practice eliminate stress from the core.

So, what stresses you out and how can you shift the way you think about it?

 

Whatever Happened to Joe?

Sometimes we have a nagging feeling that things just are not right. It may be general discontent and dissatisfaction or things may get to the point of unravelling around us. That happened to Joe a few months ago as the career path he had been continuing to struggle with came to a dead end as he was let go. Admittedly, this was not his dream job and in fact he had not in his forty + years really considered or chosen a career but instead stumbled into something that seemed reasonable and secure and diligently tried for years to make it work with lackluster results. We spoke and met several times about uncovering his strengths and talents, exploring his passions and discovering a sense of meaning and purpose as he decided what to do next. He recognized how little he really knew of himself and was excited but fearful of what he might uncover.

Little progress was made.

Although not working he found scarce time to invest in self exploration, during our conversations  he was engaged and claimed commitment but there was no follow up on his part.

He has recently found another position within the same industry he struggled with before. He is not excited, but it is what he is familiar with and that means something to many of us. Certainly some new approaches and attitudes mixed with a new opportunity may bring him success, I hope so.

This  situation is not uncommon. In fact it is more uncommon for people to think this way; to be self aware and willing to find their own answers to live life on their own terms. To believe that more is possible  for themselves and their lives and that they are responsible and capable to create it.

Many of us are simply not in the habit of being truly in touch with who we are and what we want. It can be uncomfortable to dig in a bit, although the  rewards are great it does get a little dirty at times. If you do not see the possibilities and benefits it is hard to be motivated. Fear always plays a role as we endeavor to do bigger and better things and grow. You do not have to wait to be fearless, just to have that courage to do what needs to be done in spite of fear. To believe the unknown may in fact be better than the known.

Ultimately, one has to be ready, as with most worthwhile things no one can do it for you. The journey is our own and we have to choose it in our own time.

 

 

 

 

Ink Blot Test

 For many years psychiatrists and psychologists have used the Rorschach test for insight into human behavior and thinking. I am sure you are familiar with this scientific test; a series of ink blot images are shown to the subject and they are to describe what they see. What they see is a direct reflection of who they are, how they perceive and feel about both themselves and their world.

What we see in each other and our world everyday is also a unique refection of who and how we are. Our emotions, current and past  events and attitudes shape all our perceptions and color our beliefs. Being aware of this is vital. Understanding you have the ability to change it is powerful.

A person with an overall optimistic and upbeat attitude is more likely to try new things and make new friends. Their positive perception of the world and others is a direct reflection of their positive perception of themselves and their ability to do well. Additionally, people are naturally attracted to them because of the attitude and energy they put out.

Conversely, people that routinely see things negatively or are apt to feel no one likes them and things are aligned against them are really projecting their insecurity, self doubt and dislike outward. Others pick up on this often before a word is spoken.

Your ink blot test is the results you get when you look at yourself, others and circumstances in your world. Make some observations and some interpertations.

Many of us, have areas that cause us trouble on a regular basis that we are keenly aware of and may even really want to change.  Are you sometimes unforgiving, intolerant, rigid?  Do you dislike certain traits in others or have a hard time accepting people? Are you cynical or suspicious?

Become aware of how these very things apply to how you  perceive yourself and then set out to shift your perspective of you.

Be more tolerant, accepting and forgiving of yourself and it becomes easy to be so with others.

Focus on your strengths and develop confidence in your abilities then difficulties and obstacles will be neutralized and overcome more easily.

To do this awareness is key. Explore circumstances that may have led to your perceptions and challenge yourself about whether it is valid and true to continue to relate current people and circumstance to this example.Be honest about where these attitudes and perceptions come from and how they help or hinder you in your life. Do they move you forward, bring you happiness and enrich your life?

For some of us this requires we dig a bit and maybe explore several things that formed these habits of thinking that do not serve us. Frankly, it is not always so easy to do. But I warn you: when you really shift it is a permanent and powerful transformation.

If the results of your ink blot test are not quite what you would like; change the only variable...you.

 

There are resources available via therapy, coaching and assesment tools if  you need assistance. The  Energy Leadership Index Assessment measures these factors and is a great tool to uncover perspectives and attitudes that effect your view of yourself and the world, the vibe you put out and how others ultimately view you.

Learn more http://www.lifescapesite.com/services/assessments

 

" When we change the way we look at things the things we look at change"

Wayne Dyer

 

 

 

 

Believe

For all the dreaming and planning we do, careful goal setting and preparation; all of this will fall short without one crucial element: Belief.

Dream. Believe. Act . A simple formula that is not always so simple.

I think we spend most of our time on the dream or goal and the action required but very little recognizing the importance of belief. Belief itself, like everything, is multifaceted.

We must believe not only that what we seek is possible and attainable, but that we are capable and worthy to achieve it. This can be more complex then it seems.

We easily get caught in our day to day living and thinking and often have a hard time imaging more for ourselves and being creative in the first place. This is the ability to believe in possibilities for oneself. Shifting perspectives, utilizing creative and expansive thinking and allowing those ideas to be real possibilities for oneself is the first step in transformation of any size. We must believe in the limitless possibilities and choices before us. There are always far more than we think. This requires imagination and courage to go outside of our comfort zones to explore. This is the element that squashes so much positive change as we are creatures of habit that are in the habit of thinking that they way things are are the way things will remain. Who says so?

When we give up or fall short it is often due to weak effort which is likely due to a lack of real motivation, truly wanting something, or a lack of belief that you can do what you say and deserve to be successful. It may be unconscious  thoughts about who we are, what we are capable of and what we deserve that gets in the way. Or conscious negative thinking, that little voice of doubt and limiting ideas. As we know, these thoughts all drive and effect our behaviors and can lead to self sabotage. So it is wise to recognize and challenge them, shift perspectives to ones that serve us better and provide support. Shoring up confidence, self esteem and recognizing that all our thoughts are not true or helpful and can be altered is very powerful.

All positive change, innovation and achievement starts with a dream and is carried on wings of belief over resistance and obstacles into solid action to become reality. Believe to take flight.




Who do you believe you are?

What do you think is possible for yourself?

What do you dare dream and believe?

"The future belongs to those that believe in the beauty of their dreams." Eleanor Roosevelt

 

Goal Setting Success

 

So this is technically step three. If you have been following my posts since January: know yourself, create the vision, connect your values and be aligned and motivated were topics that all came before this.

                                  So  now you are ready!

Select Goals Carefully: Is it yours? Will it provide what you seek? Does it support your larger vision?

Be Specific: State what you want in detail; more money, how much more? More fitness, in what way? Increase sales, what type and by how much? New relationship? Details please...

Reasonable: Not too big to be overwhelming, not too small to bore you. Keep in mind, we are at our best when challenged.

Measure and Time: How much by when? How will you know you are on track otherwise?

Break It Down: Larger goals and visions are built on achieving milestones along the way. What will you achieve first to build upon? What are the first steps and when will you take them?

Write and Review: Written goals are proven again and again to be far more powerful. Write them, read them and review them often.

Accountability: Most people do very well when they have a partner, club or group to work with that counts on them, knows the goals, lends support and encouragement. In general, most of us will do anything not to fall short in public or let others down so it works wonders for many. If you think you may benefit hire a coach, preferably through LifeScape of course,  join a group or enlist a friend.

Be Resolute: Commit. Recommit. Be firm, unwavering and determined and when that does not work, start again the next moment.

Be Aware: Recognize what may stand in your way, even if it is you, (often this is the case). Also,  be aware of any skills or knowledge you need to acquire to get what you want; prepare.

H.A.R.D According to author Mark Murphy, goals should be Heartfelt, Animated, Required and Difficult. I couldn't agree more. His site has many resources to assess if yours are: http://www.hardgoals.com/

Set two to three goals, we really cannot focus on more than that.  Now is the time to create a detailed plan to attain them and shore up your confidence and courage to make it happen. I will give you some keys to doing that next week.

In the meantime, write some goals for yourself. Be bold, share them here in the comments and we will help to hold you accountable and wait to hear your success story.

MOTIVATION

Certainly the word motivation gets a lot of attention in my line of work. In fact most people immediately turn to the topic of motivation anytime a goal, change or challenge comes up. Finding motivation to start, as well as staying motivated to do what we want is something just about everyone struggles with. There are volumes written on this topic and I have quite a few thoughts on it as well, let's start with the keys.

Three Keys To Motivation

Motive: This is the root of the word but so often overlooked. Why do you want what you want? What benefits and outcomes do you seek? The real reasons, the deep reasons. Clue: the stated reasons are usually on the surface stuff. Dig deeper; what emotion will it strike in you when you are successful? What will it mean and how will you or your life be different and better. If you get what you are aiming for how will you feel and benefit.  By the way, this is a good time to check if the outcome and benefit will actually be provided by attaining the stated goal. Many times that is not the case and we work hard for something only to attain it and find that it did not provide what we really wanted. Furthermore, visualize your success, feel the benefits, experience it as fully as possible, imagine all the details and the emotion of how it feels. Do this often.

Alignment: There are two aspects of alignment. One relates specifically to the goal and how it aligns with you; your values and vision for your life. We can find much more energy and enthusiasm for doing things that have deep meaning to us and we believe in. Also, does it fit into the bigger picture and vision of your life? Naturally, you need to spend your time pursuing that which takes you toward you vision. As you relate your goals to your values...but wait, this presumes you are clear on your personal values. So let's back up; as you are creating your vision as we discussed in my last post and setting goals take the time to take stock of your values. What are your guiding principles and what is most important to you? If you have not  done this in awhile it is well worth the effort. Our values are what drives and motivates all our behavior and decisions, become crystal clear and honor them. I use a simple assesment with clients if you email me a request I would be happy to send you an email back with a free assessment to help you become clear. This is vital. If your goals work well within your values and you can connect them to your strong beliefs you are naturally going to be more motivated. Watch out if they are not, or go against your values, this is a huge red flag.

The other aspect of alignment is you . Are you in alignment emotionally and mentally with what you say you want? Some inner exploration is needed here. Do you  truly want what you say? And more importantly, do you believe you deserve it and are worthy and capable of what you seek? Are you single minded or divided? Of mixed emotion regarding attaining the goal or making the change? If you are,  you will not be motivated to start or be able to maintain it long. In this case, it may be limiting beliefs, low self esteem, a lack of clarity, an attachment or fear. These things tend not to take care of themselves, tackle it . If you are wrestling with this type of issue know that dealing with it is far easier than trying to continue to live with it.

Commitment: Let's face it, even the best of us are not at our best everyday. We must commit to do it. Fake it till you make it when necessary. I believe it is even more crucial to be prepared to recommit. There will be lost battles, this does not mean you lose the war. Plan to recommit to your goal however often is needed. For some situations that may be hourly or even moment to moment like with an addiction; cigarettes for instance. Or, on the occassions you succumb to a slack off day at the gym or office. Be resolute, unwavering and determined and you are bound to be successful. Keep in mind; most valuable and meaningful things we  achieve are done so over time and as a result of some effort, failing and struggle. It is the hardest fought victories that are always the sweetest so if you have a goal you can believe in and commit to,  be prepared to recommit as well.

Next up: set the goals. Yes, the process of specific goal setting comes after this work. No point setting goals if you are not first clear on your vision, values and where your true motivation lies.

In fact, by now you should be really motivated to write some goals!