What's all the Hype about Self Esteem?

 It seems there is way too much talk about self esteem. Despite all the discussion and well intended efforts to bolster it, healthy self esteem remains mysterious and elusive for many.

The more I learn about  and work with people the more I believe a healthy self esteem is the foundation of a healthy happy life.

That being said I can recall, especially when I had school-age children, lots of odd ideas about what it was and how to instill it and how to avoid squashing it. Some of this information was good,  but some really missed the mark and did not foster real self esteem and may have actually done the opposite.

So what is self esteem? I like this definition I found on wikipedia:

Self-esteem, is a term in psychology to reflect a person's overall emotional evaluation of his or her own worth. It is a judgement of oneself as well as an attitude toward the self. Self-esteem encompasses beliefs (for example, "I am competent", "I am worthy") and emotions such as triumph, despair, pride and shame.^[1] 'The self-concept is what we thinkabout the self; self-esteem, is the positive or negative evaluations of the self, as inhow we feel about it'.^[2]

Self-esteem is a disposition that a person has which represents their judgements of their own worthiness.^[3] In the mid 1960s, Morris Rosenberg and social-learning theorists defined self-esteem in terms of a stable sense of personal worth or worthiness.^[4] Nathaniel Branden in 1969 defined self-esteem as "...the experience of being competent to cope with the basic challenges of life and being worthy of happiness". According to Branden, self-esteem is the sum of self-confidence (a feeling of personal capacity) and self-respect(a feeling of personal worth). It exists as a consequence of the implicit judgement that every person has of their ability to face life's challenges,to understand and solve problems, and, their right to achieve happiness, and be given respect.^[5]

Self esteem then is your self regard or perception. High, good or healthy self esteem is what we are after.

This is not ego, arrogance or superficial. It is not based on deeds or accomplishments. It is not fragile, dependent on others or defensive.

It is a quiet confidence, acceptance and a comfortable feeling that is lasting.

I believe that is what we need as our foundation to be our best. This acceptance and appreciation of who we are , a clear understanding of ours as well as others intrinsic worth and value and a belief in our capability to manage our lives.

How does it feel to have that?

If you do not, how much of a difference might you experience in your life if you did?

For me it has been impactful although late coming.

An unstable tumultuous childhood did little to develop a sense of self esteem in my childhood, in fact quite the contrary.

I was in my late thirties with many self help books, classes, religious studies and philosophies under my belt before I came to realize my own self acceptance, worth and esteem.

A workshop by Debbie Ford provide the impetus to bring everything together for me. A moment of transformation where I saw things and saw myself differently... permanently and completely.

It is a life changer; not that one still does not have moments of doubt and absolute idiocy(many),  just that those moments do no damage and the sense that all is well remains intact. It is a knowing that you are more than what you do or how you appear. It changes how you look at yourself of course but also it is the truest route to acceptance of others and that is such a pleasure as well.

If you are the fortunate minority that have healthy self esteem enjoy it. It will support and propel you in all your pursuits.

However, if this has been a struggle for you, know that you may count yourself with the majority but need not remain that way.

With an open mind and some effort this can be improved and when it is everything in life improves with it.

What do you think are the top 3 things that make you valuable?

What if those things were gone?

Are you dependent on the good opinion or praise of others for a sense of pride or accomplishment?

Do you become angry or hurt when someone criticizes you?

What might it be worth to discover your worth and find real acceptance and healthy self esteem?

You are worth the effort... believe me.

Do More Than Vote

Happy Election Day!

It is good to remember today the privilege and fortune we have to live in a country where we have the right to vote. Sometimes we forget that this is not a right that everyone in the world enjoys. As a woman I am particularly aware that in many places not only do women not have the right to vote but are often not even included in the census, they do not even count as part of the population.

Our right to vote as Americans was hard fought; a crucial part of our freedom and what defines our country. If you are African American or a woman that fight was even longer and far more difficult. It is a travesty that the numbers of voters are so low.

It is easy of course and understandable to be disenchanted with the political system; gridlock and corruption are rampant and perpetuated by a media that believes negativity and sensationalism feeds ratings... sadly, in truth it does.

It is challenging to remain optimistic in the face of all this but it is possible. There are good leaders, there are smart people that care about the country and have good ideas, we  just must look harder. Sometimes it is a choice of the lesser of two evils as we try to select people closer to our own values and ideals.

In the bigger picture we desperately need to make some significant changes to the way our leadership represents us and works together for the common goal of the good of our nation. We cannot expect that change will ever occur however if we do not have our voices heard and take action. In a government founded for and by the people it is not just our leaders that are failing us. We the people need to be willing to get involved; to be part of the solution, to resist the trend of pointing fingers of blame at Washington and Wall Street and instead take an honest look at the influence we as individuals have.

In reality the changes we so desperately need in this country start with each of us. Regardless of who wins this or any election there will be no real significant lasting change, no return to greatness and prosperity without the American people making significant changes in their own lives, families and communities.  It is time we step up to the  plate and have the integrity and character in our own lives that we say we want from our leaders.

As individuals what are we personally doing to improve the current challenges our country is facing? Do we really believe that the solutions to all our problems would or could be found in a few hundred officials much less one president as we go about our daily business and continue to complain about the problems and the mess "they" are making?

How are you a leader in your own life ? What are you doing to contribute to your family, community and country? Politically we need more good people to be involved run for office and vote.  But, while we have had some great political leaders throughout history it has never been politicians that make our country great. It has been the people.

We must return to personal responsibility and excellence. Are we being creative and innovative in our lives and our our work? Are we raising our children to be respectful, well educated, ambitious and optimistic? Are we solution focused and moving forward setting an example for our young people to be proud of? Are we looking for the new roads to prosperity and peace that are required in a rapidly changing world or are we waiting stubbornly for the glory days to magically reappear?

It is often said if you aren't part of the solution you are part of the problem...I think this holds very true.

While you may not often hear about it there truly are wonderful passionate intelligent people working tirelessly for the good of their families communities and countries...yes, even a few politicians. But there are not enough.

On this election day let us be thankful for our feedom and optimistic about our country yet realistic in acknowledging that we must do even more than vote we must each make a difference.

"Ask not what your country can do for you but what you can do for your country" JFK

 

 

The 5k Challenge

Much to my own surprise I ran a 5k this morning, the Chicago Hot Chocolate 5k. This may not seem like very interesting news but it is for me for several reasons. Firstly, I am not a runner, in fact even as a child I hated to run and avoided it at all costs. While I am a regular at the gym I do very little traditional cardio and instead focus on weight and circuit training.

Secondly, this 5k was planned for my two daughters to do together, a sister activity ,however one is out of town so I was subbed in.

And thirdly, I was told up to literally minutes before the race that I was in a 5k walk not a run...Surprise!

Well as usual I love a surprise...once I get used to it.

As we arrived at 7 am on a beautiful but cold Sunday morning I was astounded by the crowd. There were thousands of participants, hundreds of volunteers all vastly diverse; every race, size and age was represented. I was glad to be there... spirits and energy were high. There was some confusion and soon I found myself approaching the starting line in this mass of people trying to be prepared and a good sport but warning my daughter repeatedly   "I am not a runner...I can't run ...I may pass out or die ." I was not kidding by the way, I was more than a bit nervous not knowing what to expect.

The first quarter to half mile was the hardest as I awkwardly jogged along my nose running I quickly became breathless and immediately wondered how I would do this. My daughter encouraged me playfully saying " You are in better shape then me c'mon mom!" I assured her that was just not so; I do not work out like this, it was not my thing and told her to leave me behind. But somehow at the same time I was committed to continue knowing I did not want to disappoint her or myself. I ran rather slowly and walked a bit that first portion. She cheered and teased me on, I was also encouraged  by bystanders as well as other runners seemingly not in the best physical shape yet pushing themselves... I did not want to be a wimp.

Eventually, to my surprise it got better rather than worse as I went along. By the first mile marker I successfully convinced my daughter to run ahead not wanting to hold her back, as she ran off so effortlessly I slowly began to find my stride and my breathing regulated a bit. It became tolerable. I thought of my friends that are passionate runners telling me once you push past the discomfort you find a stride and get in the zone and how they love it. Apparently a 5k is not long enough to find the zone for me or to push past discomfort... that did not happen. Overall, I was very uncomfortable I started out cold and very soon was overly hot, my right leg hurt and burned early in the race and still does, my lips and mouth were extremely dry and I was short of breath.

I continued on determined to do this. I kept marking goals for myself to push for till I walked a bit but I ran far more than I walked.  Although I surely did not look like one, I somehow felt athletic and enjoyed being part of this large group with the common goal...to finish.

The home stretch was the best for me; as soon as I saw the  finish line in the distance I knew I could do it and run the rest of the way easily, it seemed shorter now than I thought it would be and not so bad after all. I absently thought I should have pushed myself even harder along the way and ran faster.

Afterward I found my daughter and was pleased with myself that I had finished not too far behind her. I was grateful my other daughter had not been able to make it, happy  I had done something I normally would never dream to do. We headed over to enjoy the promised chocolate and soak up the sunshine in Grant Park for a few minutes before heading home.

I had some insights and found a few interesting analogies in the 5K Challenge. I thought of the times I or one of my clients find themselves facing a challenge that was unexpected and react by feeling completely unprepared, unable and fearful. It seems oftentimes we immediately look to the reasons we cannot do something as I did, and  just start listing them. Also, how any challenge we start is hard and can be very uncomfortable at first. In fact, most valuable things are hard and uncomfortable as we stretch outside our comfort zone to discover that we can do something we thought we could not. As we commit and go along things ease and we find a stride or routine that works. The value of making small goals along the way to focus on rather than being overwhelmed by the larger goal that is as of yet out of sight as a way to keep moving forward and stay motivated. Even the fact that some things are worth doing in spite of being unpleasant. Just for the power of the experience, to see that you can and say that you did. There is value in that as each time we do something new and different successfully it forms a solid foundation for our next challenge and strongly fuels optimism and self esteem. And the finish line! The excitement when what we are after comes into view knowing that we have made it ...and ya know that wasn't so bad after all. What a great feeling! I hope to savor that and take it with me next time to the starting line, although my next starting line will not likely be a race, it is a lesson I plan to carry. I also have a  bit better understanding now, having never been an athlete, of why people push themselves physically, a small taste of how wonderful it is to make it across the finish line and how sport truly mirrors life.

These things I would have never known without this opportunity today and choosing to take it ...so the sore legs are well worth it.

 

"Everything is hard before it is easy" Goethe

 

 

 

Developing a Positive Attitude

Certainly it can be challenging to maintain a positive outlook on life.  Struggles with personal finances, job loss or stress, divorce or difficult relationships, health issues in our own lives or a loved ones impact many of us. As well as what at times seems like a barrage of negativity and misfortune from family and friends, when you add to that the evening news some day’s things look very bleak.

How does one combat all this “reality” and remain positive, optimistic and hopeful?

It is really a choice and a willingness to develop some new habits.

Here are some keys for getting started:

1. Make a habit of counting your blessings: it may seem trite but this is scientifically supported. Spend some time each day being thankful for the good stuff even if it is simply a beautiful sunset, the love of a friend or partner, a great cup of coffee. Also take note of how you are a blessing to others; what good stuff do you provide to others? How do you make a positive impact?


2. Surround yourself with positive people: We do chose who we spend time with, minimize negative people and increase people that laugh, enjoy life and are doing well.


3. For every wrong find a right: As you observe what is not working well, either personally or in the world, force yourself to find and name something good that is working well. In all things there is more than one aspect; get in the habit of finding a counterbalance then choose to focus on the positive aspects rather than the negative.


4. Be solution focused; change your perspective on challenges as they arise. These are opportunities to problem solve, stretch yourself and grow. Although tough times stink when we are in them in hindsight they provide the most growth as well as hidden opportunities. Be open to the challenge to find the solution and know that you will get through while benefitting from all you will learn from the struggle.


5. Dream up the best possible outcomes; it is said that we do not get what we want in life but what we expect. Do you expect things will work out well or that you will be successful? Create a vision of you completing a task well, of your relationships being fun and loving; visualize specific events and how you will manage them well before you begin. Top athletes have used this for years as they visualize in great detail the sporting event and their performance going perfectly. This imprints your mind, creates optimism and prepares you for what lies ahead.

Keep in mind you are developing this, cultivating positive ways of thinking is not done overnight. Pick a strategy or two and use discipline to implement it to develop a habit of thinking and behaving. These things do change with a bit of effort and will make a positive impact in how you feel, how others interact with you as well as the results you get in all aspects of your life.

It may well be the single most important thing you can do for yourself ; as you shift your attitude to be more positive you will find your feelings as well as your behavior will follow naturally which will quickly change your world.

I invite you to try some of these ideas to get started but please feel free to contact me I would be happy to send more ideas or help you develop a personalized plan to foster a positive attitude and cultivate p optimism to create a life you love.

 

 

 

The Blessing of Choice

It sometimes seems we are surrounded by choices...in fact it is true, we are. Ones we may take for granted; what we eat, who we spend time with, our attitude. As well as those we agonize over; whether to continue a relationship, change jobs, relocate. The truth is the quality of our lives is a direct result of the quality of the choices we make.

That may be a burden or a blessing to accept, but it is true nonetheless. I think of it as a blessing as I recognize my current reality is a result of many choices I have made previously it empowers me with the knowledge that if I want different results I have the power to make different choices moving forward.

Taking responsibility is a blessing that allows control and options, conversely feeling a victim to circumstance and fate offers no ability to make an improvement or change course. This is a very important distinction; the perspective you have greatly influences your quality of life, ability to succeed and peace of mind.

Sometimes when I introduce this concept of the power and responsibility of choice people take offense assuming this assigns blame. If they are unhappy or doing poorly they may be reluctant to want to own their part in it and frankly can become very angry about this idea. This reaction actually confirms the problem as they have held a viewpoint without choice or control that blamed their circumstance or misfortune on outside events, feeling victim and helpless to change things. This viewpoint only serves to keep them perpetually stuck and unhappy and must be shifted for positive change to occur. Blame and guilt are never useful rather an understanding that the choices made seemed valid at the time with the information and perspectives of that moment, another topic in itself...stay tuned.

Certainly, there are many outside circumstances we do not choose: we do not pick our parents or families, even the country, culture or area we were raised in, many of us have been victims of crime or abuse, have been downsized, betrayed or fallen seriously ill.

The thing to be aware of even in these dramatic, challenging and devastating circumstances is the ability to choose our reaction to them and how we will move forward in spite of them.

Furthermore, the level of success and happiness we enjoy, the types of work we do and relationships we have, in essence most of the day to day aspects of our lives is a result of a multitude of big and little decisions we have made throughout our lives both in what we have decided to do or how we decided to think.

In all cases recognizing the power of choice we have and exercising it allows us room to heal, grow, and find our ultimate success and happiness by choosing to pursue it.

Does that feel like a blessing or a burden to you?

What one thing are you currently doing or involved in that if you had to choose again you would choose differently?

What area of your life would you like to see different results?

How can you make new choices now that will lead to the results you most want?

" The last of the human freedoms...mans ability to choose his attitude ... to choose his own way"

Viktor Frankl 

A great resource for understanding and accepting things beyond our control and finding meaning in all life is Viktor Frankl's phenomenal, life changing book "Mans Search for Meaning"

Freedom and Choice

Over the past several years I have been on a heightened journey of discovery. During this time I have studied a large variety of teachers, questioned myself, reevaluated many ideas I once held as true and found that I have come out in all shades of gray with very little black and white anymore. I have examined my list of personal rules and beliefs and held some dear but have been happy to let most of them go after finding many were not serving me well, holding me back or frankly, just silly.

What I have learned is everything I could ever learn will always be vastly less then there is to know.

That is both comforting and powerful; there will always be new information, new perspectives and opinions. That also means there are multiple solutions, choices and possibilities.

I have learned that everything is multifaceted. All situations, circumstances and people are complex and richly layered with nearly endless ways to be perceived, approached, handled and appreciated.

It is the the freedom of the power of choice I suppose: To choose ones own way, ones own rules in life as well as the attitude given to it.

As Frankl says this is our last freedom, one that cannot be taken from us.

Knowing that one thing changes everything.

Having the power to choose and the knowledge that there are endless good choices, confident that if you make a seemingly not so good choice, in the end one way or another, it all serves to get us where we are to go and to become who we are to be.

I think this is an amazing gift of freedom and I am enjoying it.

There are of course many times we do not see the options but if you look hard enough they are there; if not in the circumstance then in our response to it and how we allow it to impact and define us. Sometimes this may only become clear with much thought or in hindsight but it is there. Oftentimes we need the help of a friend or coach to shift through it. But we can start by asking ourselves questions.

• What beliefs do you hold about the world or about yourself that may hold you back from doing or being what you would really like to be or do?


• What rules of conduct do you keep for yourself and do they serve to make your life better or worse? More free or limited?


• Are the rules and beliefs you have yours? Where did they come from? Are they true and valuable to you?


• What circumstances in your life might be completely different if you chose to look at it from a slightly different or even opposite but valid perspective?


• How could a shift in attitude about how you approach a situation, your day , relationship or career impact your life and that of those around you?

Sometimes you barely have to change anything to change everything....a few shifts in thinking can open up a whole new world.




"The last of human freedoms - the ability to chose one's attitude in a given set of circumstances. "

Viktor E. Frankl

 

Back On Target

Wow!

I have been gone for quite a while!

It surprised even me to see that I have not written a post since the beginning of June.

That was when my daughter told me she was getting married to her long time boyfriend...In July... Of this year.

It has been a wonderful whirlwind of activity since then. I chose to take a vacation from all I could to make time for her  in my role as her Mother and co-Wedding Planner. We had a tremendous amount of fun and it was a lovely wedding ...now it is time to get back to work.

Do you ever do that? Just get everything turned upside down to deal with an immediate pressing issue?

In some regards dropping things that can be dropped helps to maintain balance, even though at first glance it appears quite the opposite. It seems you are putting all your energy into one major endeavor and maybe just coasting or neglecting other areas. That may not seem very balanced.

But if you think of balance as it truly is; always fluctuating and dynamic, not stagnant...then it is easier to see that when something heavy is added to one side some other things must be removed to have some stability. Picture a scale, a popular symbol for balance.

I think sometimes we unrealistically assume having balance means having it all;  some of everything going, all the balls in the air at the same time if you will. But when we do that it requires extreme effort and focus and is franky exhausting, if even possible.  When is there time to take the eyes of the balls and just relax or enjoy life? Think of when we use the term juggling; usually when overwhelmed, stressed, negative.

The real balance is attained when we have a good mix of things in our lives. Not in the quantity or even variety so much but a mix that combines work, challenge and growth with fun, recreation and enjoyment. This formula is ideal in that it appeals to both aspects of ourselves helping us feel good and remain at our best.

This becomes easier when work and play are blurred , such as with the Wedding planning. Six weeks to plan a wedding entails a lot of work but it was filled with equal if not more enjoyment and fun as I had the pleasure to plan the event with my daughter and her fiance.

Now I am back to work and in my role as a coach. I am fortunate to write speak and work with people, all things I love doing so work and play are blurred making balance easier to attain.

• Where in your life might you need to balance the weight of work and responsibility with play and pleasure?


• How can you incorporate more fun into activities that are usually just work or drudgery?


• Where can you blur the lines between work and fun in your life?


• Are there areas that you may need to lessen the load to stabilize while something pressing is occurring?


• After a long hot summer is it time for you to get back into a routine or start a new project?

Coaching can help you to create balance and be a springboard to start or restart working toward your goals.

Give me a call for a free consult

I am ready to get back to work!