It Is Not In The Why But In The How

It seems that when something happens,  particularly something we perceive as difficult or bad, much energy is spent on the why: why did this happen? Why do I deserve this? What are the reasons and motivations exactly that lead to this? Why did I do that?

One of the first things we do is attempt to  make sense of a thing or situation by struggling to understand why it has occurred. This is a natural and reasonable response. The insight can be very useful in fact. We can learn and grow with this knowledge. However, certain situations have no easy answers or discernible reasons. Frequently we can get  stuck in this mode of asking why to our own detriment. The why presses upon us sometimes bringing guilt or blame and almost always a sense of injustice, inequality or persecution. If we decide something is unfair and undeserved it does not make it go away but can make us not handle it effectively since "we should not have to".

Do you know people that are still ruminating the why's of their childhood or past relationships? Why they were passed over for a promotion? Why they fell so ill? It can become endless. In my experience spending more than a few moments on the why is just not very useful.

I have found myself in this loop of thinking before and quickly catch myself because I can feel this thinking oppressing and depressing me. Personally, I have always been far better off focusing on how to solve something or move forward in spite of it and so my why naturally turns quickly into how to overcome or adjust and that works pretty well for me.

I believe the more important answers to what happens in our lives come from asking how not why. How will I solve this. handle it, live with it ? How will I respond as my best self? How can I grow and learn from this experience? How can I serve or guide others as a result of this?

Ultimately, how does this make me more of who I am and who I am to be?

That is the underlying question in both the most wonderful and most difficult of times: How can this make me more of who I am to be?

When you can embrace that way of thinking whatever circumstance is an opportunity and can even be welcomed if not for the thing itself but for what you will gain that you would not have otherwise.

I admit, it is not easy to think this way. I have to frequently remind myself and redirect my thinking.

Sometimes I do not want to go through it, even if I will grow and evolve. But, there is usually not a choice in the thing,  just in our response to it so that is where our focus must be.

This really struck me as I  have been reading Viktor Frankl Mans Search For Meaning the past week. This recounts his experience and observations as a concentration camp prisoner during the Holocaust.  As a psychiatrist and a survivor of the horror of many years in camp with tremendous loss of freedom, identity, beloved wife and family he contends that the main motivational force of mans life is his search for meaning. He identifies the last human freedom as the ability we have to choose our attitude and response regardless of external circumstance and it is in this response that we are defined and whole. He states that there is unique opportunity in how we bear our burdens. Further, that it is not what we expect from life but rather what life expects from us that matters.

It is a beautiful book and I highly recommend it.

It made my how bigger. Not just how do I solve, overcome and share my lessons but how does this make me more? How can I be the best me in bearing it?  Wow! This leaves a huge amount of room for improvement. I feel more calm and comfortable facing the difficulties with these questions, feeling almost lucky for the chance to step up to the plate with faith that there is unique opportunity in all.

Obviously, people under those drastic horrific circumstances of the Nazi Camps that were somehow able to find meaning and press on make my troubles and challenges rather insignificant. But also serve as a model that no matter what the challenge or circumstance there is meaning and growth to be found if we can focus on the how.

• How will this experience stretch me? Add to my character and build my strengths?


• How will this experience shift my perspectives and expand my thinking?


• How can this provide an opportunity to fully utilize the creativity, strength and wisdom I do not always get to use?


• How can I model for my children or peers positive behavior and attitudes?


• How will this make me more of who I am and who I am to be?