Our brains are truly amazing! We sort things, categorize, and simplify at a staggering rate of speed. We are inundated with information and make hundreds if not thousands of snap judgments everyday, typically with very little information. We make assumptions and try out hypotheses on just about everything chasing what we think is true. We not only do this about the world around us, but we do this about ourselves as well. Who are we? What are our abilities? What are our roles? Often, we are unsure how we came to the conclusions we have but accept them nonetheless.
While this may help us navigate the world, we would not get very much done if we had to fully analyze everything, it hinders us as well.
In order to fully experience the world and reach our potential, we must regularly and intentionally expand the limitations of our habitual thinking.
This requires us to stop and question ourselves about everything. Of course, this can be very uncomfortable but when we resist self-examination we also risk self-enrichment.
The best way to start expanding our thinking is through self- awareness and self-examination. How do you define who you are?
Most of us begin by listing roles, character traits, or skills. I am a mother, a Christian, a nurse, a wife, and so on. I am good, optimistic, a worrier, a hard worker.
We not only define ourselves by what we think we are but also by what we believe we are not.
We might say or think, "at least I am not_____, or I would never_____. " We fill in the blanks with some perspective that sets us apart from others.
Start by compiling a list of what you are and are not, what you believe, and what you aspire to, generating insight and self-awareness about the nature of yourself and your existence. Within that list you will undoubtably find the limitations and separations that keep us from fully accepting ourselves and others.
When I was in a college psych class many years ago I remember this question to define oneself was posed as a writing exercise.
I eagerly defined myself around my roles and beliefs. Looking back at it now, I wish I would have known then that I am so much more than that. But “that “ is not so easy to put into words.
In the story of Moses meeting God at the burning bush on Mount Sinai he asks this magnificent being who he is. I Am is the response. Poignant in its simplicity. Everything and nothing at once.
What I have come to realize is that I am also everything and nothing at once, and moreover, we all are. Thus we are creatures created in God’s image. Within each of us is the capacity to do incredibly creative and destructive things. We all are a mixture of dark and light, full of love and open-minded acceptance as well as fear and prejudiced thinking. We are optimistic and cynical, selfish and generous, beautiful and ugly. We have been trained to reject certain aspects within ourselves and in others, but while we may chose not to express them, they remain a part of our existence. There is no one that is all good or all bad.
It is when we see these negative rejected traits in ourselves and others that it ignites a strong reaction.
Guilt, shame, blame, hate all come from the fear and rejection of certain human traits and behaviors we all share.
Humans share many common experiences. We have all suffered the long dark, night, been beaten bloody with self-flagellation, imprisoned in some way by our own recriminations. We all have deep yearnings for love, happiness, safety and peace. Beginning to look at ourselves more fully and accepting all that we find is powerful. It relieves us of the guilt, shame and "not good enough" feelings that are universally experienced. At the same time it minimizes the pressure to somehow be "better" than someone else.
When we realize that we are far more than a list of words describing what we do or think, we are able to expand more fully into all we have the potential to be. When we focus more on the common experiences we share rather than the ideology or distance that divides us, we can experience genuine human connection and cultivate peace.
When I slowly began to realize that I, like everyone, was a mixture of all things, I became more fully and freely me. I was able to release the burden of self-judgment and shame for past mistakes and misdeeds, and replace it with understanding and self-compassion. I could make choices and express myself more openly because I was not as concerned with being judged since after all, the harshest judge had always been me. Life became lighter, happier, and far freer.
Recognizing that I was more than the roles I held allowed a larger vision of who and what I could be.
Slowly, this self-realization seeped into my perceptions of the world and translated into deeper understanding, compassion and true empathy for others. I regard this as my most profound, life-changing discovery.
Expansion and growth results from investigation and openness. Start by simply filling in what comes after the statement, “I am ___” for you. List everything you can think of, what you are proud of, what you keep hidden away. Interrogate qualities that you embrace and note the moments you are not that. Admit that the qualities you hate at times have been a part of your thoughts or spurred your actions.
Maybe a good follow up to the statement “I am ___” is, “and also ____”. The beauty and brilliance of each of us is we are this and also that. Or maybe the ultimate goal is to let the answer be simply “I am ___” and know that that is enough.
It is still difficult at times to resist limiting my definition of myself to my roles, habits and opinions. It is tempting to let the most glaring or glamorous traits of others define who they are and what they stand for. It is dangerous to allow harsh distinctions divide me from others that share the same struggles and complex human experience as me. It can be a challenge to remember to always add an “and also” to myself and everyone else, but I have found that doing so is the closest route to truth, freedom and peace available.
“Do I contradict myself? Very well, then I contradict myself, I am large, I contain multitudes.” Walt Whitman
“Being true to yourself really means being true to all the complexities of the human spirit.” Rita Dove
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