Janus and Resolutions That Work

So it is that time of year again. Time to reflect on the past years trials and triumphs and look ahead creating the vision of what you want in the New Year. While there are some that are disenchanted and do not partake in this process I think for those that do it is a sign of health, optimism and success. In fact, January is the ideal time for this having been named for Janus the Roman God that has two faces; one looking forward the other back ruling over transitions and new beginnings.

As you think about the resolutions you will make, take a moment first to reflect on the past year. This enables you to clearly see areas that need growth as well as recognize the triumphs and strengths that you can build upon in the New Year. It is easy to forget all that has happened in a year, it may help to look over your planner or journal and recall month by month what defined the good moments, what was accomplished, what you learned, where you struggled or suffered.

It is out of this exercise that you will gain insight into what you want next. Which elements do you want to expand and develop? Which do you need to let go of? How can you utilize the lessons from 2012 and other past experience to support you moving forward? Take the time to acknowledge any large or small gains and feel good about what you where able to do, be and have in 2012.  This practice is the foundation of  confidently and successfully moving ahead to more growth and gains in the future.

Finally, keep in mind not all good things start out positive and most are rarely easy. Do not overlook what you have worked through, suffered or struggled with. Even in moments that may have seemed bleak you have prevailed and used strengths and skills to be proud of. If last year presented pain and tough transition look ahead to 2013 as a year to find the blessings in the burdens and the opportunity for growth and renewal these times always present.

As you define the goals and resolutions for the New Year follow some simple guidelines to ensure your success outlined below. Remember, resolution comes from the word resolute: To be purposeful, determined and unwavering. Decide what it is you most want, set your resolutions and then be resolute in pursuing them.

Keys to resolutions that work:

• Choose goals that are meaningful to you, that you truly want. No should do's or filling others expectations


• Write out your goals, place them where you can see them and review them frequently.


• Set the objective larger goal then define the baby steps and supportive habits you will implement to get there: Plan in detail.


• Understand why you want what you want. What will it do for you? What will it feel like to attain? These are the feelings you are truly after and will provide you with the motivation you need to stay on track.


• Enlist the help of a partner, friend or coach; this provides support, encouragement and accountability.


• Do not fall into the trap of giving up after a setback, that is an excuse to quit for the less committed.


• To be successful one must understand that it is in recommitting, as often as necessary that we ultimately triumph.

I wish you a happy, healthy and prosperous New Year as you create a life you love!

 

Rights Responsibility and Freedom

I have grown weary this past week in the wake of the horror of Sandy Hook of the continued assertions of gun rights. Firstly, you will not find a person more a champion of personal rights and freedom than I. I have always maintained in fact, that it is not guns that kill people but people that kill people. This remains true. However, we cannot deny that we have a tragic trend in our

current culture of mass random shootings, this requires a serious and effective response. We must also remember that the right to life liberty and the pursuit of happiness preceded the right to bear arms and remains tantamount, any right that interferes with that basic fundamental one must be reevaluated.

It is true that criminals will always have guns, they typically acquire them illegally and always will. It is important to note that nearly all of the weapons used in recent years for mass shootings have been legally obtained.

Furthermore, most agree that in the past few decades we have seen a widespread increase in rudeness and bad behavior. A decrease in patience, courtesy and tolerance. A significant lack of respect for parents, authority and meaningful values.

We like to talk a lot about our rights in this country but we seem to forget that with rights come responsibility: Responsibility balances and enables rights. To enjoy our rights and freedoms we must act responsibly and address the underlying issues that lead to a culture that has developed such a disturbing trend. That being said we have some serious questions to answer and major adjustments to make.

• Are we raising our children to be compassionate and kind with strong coping skills, tolerance and respect for others property and life?


• Are we treating people with mental illness properly and providing resources, facilities and support for them and the families caring for them.


• Are we doing all we can in the legal sale of weapons to ensure that only responsible, stable people obtain them and hold those people accountable for the safe and secure use and storage of those weapons?


• After the removal of religious teaching in schools have we replaced that with other ethical and moral instruction?


• Are we mindful of what our young people are exposed to? Most witness both real and dramatic video violence numbering in the thousands before they graduate high school. How long will we continue to deny this has an impact on their developing impressionable minds?


• Are we modeling kindness, tolerance and patience and treating others, even strangers with respect and dignity?

If we are honest we fall far short.

Parent or not we all bear responsibility for the climate of our culture and can all effect positive change starting with our own behavior. For all of us to enjoy the fundamental right of life liberty and the pursuit of happiness we must become responsible when we do we can all fully enjoy all the other rights this country provides.

There is no way to make sense of the murder and carnage at Sandy Hook. It has robbed those families of their most precious thing their children and loved ones. But it also robbed the survivors of innocence and the belief we all need that the the world is a good and safe place.

I pray that out of this we will finally wake up and use this horrendous act as an impetus to make the changes we have needed for years.

The solutions to all violence and crime in our society as well as the other issues of social decay are multifaceted and complex but begin with simple individual steps we can each take.

How can you be part of the solution?

What's all the Hype about Self Esteem?

 It seems there is way too much talk about self esteem. Despite all the discussion and well intended efforts to bolster it, healthy self esteem remains mysterious and elusive for many.

The more I learn about  and work with people the more I believe a healthy self esteem is the foundation of a healthy happy life.

That being said I can recall, especially when I had school-age children, lots of odd ideas about what it was and how to instill it and how to avoid squashing it. Some of this information was good,  but some really missed the mark and did not foster real self esteem and may have actually done the opposite.

So what is self esteem? I like this definition I found on wikipedia:

Self-esteem, is a term in psychology to reflect a person's overall emotional evaluation of his or her own worth. It is a judgement of oneself as well as an attitude toward the self. Self-esteem encompasses beliefs (for example, "I am competent", "I am worthy") and emotions such as triumph, despair, pride and shame.^[1] 'The self-concept is what we thinkabout the self; self-esteem, is the positive or negative evaluations of the self, as inhow we feel about it'.^[2]

Self-esteem is a disposition that a person has which represents their judgements of their own worthiness.^[3] In the mid 1960s, Morris Rosenberg and social-learning theorists defined self-esteem in terms of a stable sense of personal worth or worthiness.^[4] Nathaniel Branden in 1969 defined self-esteem as "...the experience of being competent to cope with the basic challenges of life and being worthy of happiness". According to Branden, self-esteem is the sum of self-confidence (a feeling of personal capacity) and self-respect(a feeling of personal worth). It exists as a consequence of the implicit judgement that every person has of their ability to face life's challenges,to understand and solve problems, and, their right to achieve happiness, and be given respect.^[5]

Self esteem then is your self regard or perception. High, good or healthy self esteem is what we are after.

This is not ego, arrogance or superficial. It is not based on deeds or accomplishments. It is not fragile, dependent on others or defensive.

It is a quiet confidence, acceptance and a comfortable feeling that is lasting.

I believe that is what we need as our foundation to be our best. This acceptance and appreciation of who we are , a clear understanding of ours as well as others intrinsic worth and value and a belief in our capability to manage our lives.

How does it feel to have that?

If you do not, how much of a difference might you experience in your life if you did?

For me it has been impactful although late coming.

An unstable tumultuous childhood did little to develop a sense of self esteem in my childhood, in fact quite the contrary.

I was in my late thirties with many self help books, classes, religious studies and philosophies under my belt before I came to realize my own self acceptance, worth and esteem.

A workshop by Debbie Ford provide the impetus to bring everything together for me. A moment of transformation where I saw things and saw myself differently... permanently and completely.

It is a life changer; not that one still does not have moments of doubt and absolute idiocy(many),  just that those moments do no damage and the sense that all is well remains intact. It is a knowing that you are more than what you do or how you appear. It changes how you look at yourself of course but also it is the truest route to acceptance of others and that is such a pleasure as well.

If you are the fortunate minority that have healthy self esteem enjoy it. It will support and propel you in all your pursuits.

However, if this has been a struggle for you, know that you may count yourself with the majority but need not remain that way.

With an open mind and some effort this can be improved and when it is everything in life improves with it.

What do you think are the top 3 things that make you valuable?

What if those things were gone?

Are you dependent on the good opinion or praise of others for a sense of pride or accomplishment?

Do you become angry or hurt when someone criticizes you?

What might it be worth to discover your worth and find real acceptance and healthy self esteem?

You are worth the effort... believe me.

Do More Than Vote

Happy Election Day!

It is good to remember today the privilege and fortune we have to live in a country where we have the right to vote. Sometimes we forget that this is not a right that everyone in the world enjoys. As a woman I am particularly aware that in many places not only do women not have the right to vote but are often not even included in the census, they do not even count as part of the population.

Our right to vote as Americans was hard fought; a crucial part of our freedom and what defines our country. If you are African American or a woman that fight was even longer and far more difficult. It is a travesty that the numbers of voters are so low.

It is easy of course and understandable to be disenchanted with the political system; gridlock and corruption are rampant and perpetuated by a media that believes negativity and sensationalism feeds ratings... sadly, in truth it does.

It is challenging to remain optimistic in the face of all this but it is possible. There are good leaders, there are smart people that care about the country and have good ideas, we  just must look harder. Sometimes it is a choice of the lesser of two evils as we try to select people closer to our own values and ideals.

In the bigger picture we desperately need to make some significant changes to the way our leadership represents us and works together for the common goal of the good of our nation. We cannot expect that change will ever occur however if we do not have our voices heard and take action. In a government founded for and by the people it is not just our leaders that are failing us. We the people need to be willing to get involved; to be part of the solution, to resist the trend of pointing fingers of blame at Washington and Wall Street and instead take an honest look at the influence we as individuals have.

In reality the changes we so desperately need in this country start with each of us. Regardless of who wins this or any election there will be no real significant lasting change, no return to greatness and prosperity without the American people making significant changes in their own lives, families and communities.  It is time we step up to the  plate and have the integrity and character in our own lives that we say we want from our leaders.

As individuals what are we personally doing to improve the current challenges our country is facing? Do we really believe that the solutions to all our problems would or could be found in a few hundred officials much less one president as we go about our daily business and continue to complain about the problems and the mess "they" are making?

How are you a leader in your own life ? What are you doing to contribute to your family, community and country? Politically we need more good people to be involved run for office and vote.  But, while we have had some great political leaders throughout history it has never been politicians that make our country great. It has been the people.

We must return to personal responsibility and excellence. Are we being creative and innovative in our lives and our our work? Are we raising our children to be respectful, well educated, ambitious and optimistic? Are we solution focused and moving forward setting an example for our young people to be proud of? Are we looking for the new roads to prosperity and peace that are required in a rapidly changing world or are we waiting stubbornly for the glory days to magically reappear?

It is often said if you aren't part of the solution you are part of the problem...I think this holds very true.

While you may not often hear about it there truly are wonderful passionate intelligent people working tirelessly for the good of their families communities and countries...yes, even a few politicians. But there are not enough.

On this election day let us be thankful for our feedom and optimistic about our country yet realistic in acknowledging that we must do even more than vote we must each make a difference.

"Ask not what your country can do for you but what you can do for your country" JFK

 

 

The 5k Challenge

Much to my own surprise I ran a 5k this morning, the Chicago Hot Chocolate 5k. This may not seem like very interesting news but it is for me for several reasons. Firstly, I am not a runner, in fact even as a child I hated to run and avoided it at all costs. While I am a regular at the gym I do very little traditional cardio and instead focus on weight and circuit training.

Secondly, this 5k was planned for my two daughters to do together, a sister activity ,however one is out of town so I was subbed in.

And thirdly, I was told up to literally minutes before the race that I was in a 5k walk not a run...Surprise!

Well as usual I love a surprise...once I get used to it.

As we arrived at 7 am on a beautiful but cold Sunday morning I was astounded by the crowd. There were thousands of participants, hundreds of volunteers all vastly diverse; every race, size and age was represented. I was glad to be there... spirits and energy were high. There was some confusion and soon I found myself approaching the starting line in this mass of people trying to be prepared and a good sport but warning my daughter repeatedly   "I am not a runner...I can't run ...I may pass out or die ." I was not kidding by the way, I was more than a bit nervous not knowing what to expect.

The first quarter to half mile was the hardest as I awkwardly jogged along my nose running I quickly became breathless and immediately wondered how I would do this. My daughter encouraged me playfully saying " You are in better shape then me c'mon mom!" I assured her that was just not so; I do not work out like this, it was not my thing and told her to leave me behind. But somehow at the same time I was committed to continue knowing I did not want to disappoint her or myself. I ran rather slowly and walked a bit that first portion. She cheered and teased me on, I was also encouraged  by bystanders as well as other runners seemingly not in the best physical shape yet pushing themselves... I did not want to be a wimp.

Eventually, to my surprise it got better rather than worse as I went along. By the first mile marker I successfully convinced my daughter to run ahead not wanting to hold her back, as she ran off so effortlessly I slowly began to find my stride and my breathing regulated a bit. It became tolerable. I thought of my friends that are passionate runners telling me once you push past the discomfort you find a stride and get in the zone and how they love it. Apparently a 5k is not long enough to find the zone for me or to push past discomfort... that did not happen. Overall, I was very uncomfortable I started out cold and very soon was overly hot, my right leg hurt and burned early in the race and still does, my lips and mouth were extremely dry and I was short of breath.

I continued on determined to do this. I kept marking goals for myself to push for till I walked a bit but I ran far more than I walked.  Although I surely did not look like one, I somehow felt athletic and enjoyed being part of this large group with the common goal...to finish.

The home stretch was the best for me; as soon as I saw the  finish line in the distance I knew I could do it and run the rest of the way easily, it seemed shorter now than I thought it would be and not so bad after all. I absently thought I should have pushed myself even harder along the way and ran faster.

Afterward I found my daughter and was pleased with myself that I had finished not too far behind her. I was grateful my other daughter had not been able to make it, happy  I had done something I normally would never dream to do. We headed over to enjoy the promised chocolate and soak up the sunshine in Grant Park for a few minutes before heading home.

I had some insights and found a few interesting analogies in the 5K Challenge. I thought of the times I or one of my clients find themselves facing a challenge that was unexpected and react by feeling completely unprepared, unable and fearful. It seems oftentimes we immediately look to the reasons we cannot do something as I did, and  just start listing them. Also, how any challenge we start is hard and can be very uncomfortable at first. In fact, most valuable things are hard and uncomfortable as we stretch outside our comfort zone to discover that we can do something we thought we could not. As we commit and go along things ease and we find a stride or routine that works. The value of making small goals along the way to focus on rather than being overwhelmed by the larger goal that is as of yet out of sight as a way to keep moving forward and stay motivated. Even the fact that some things are worth doing in spite of being unpleasant. Just for the power of the experience, to see that you can and say that you did. There is value in that as each time we do something new and different successfully it forms a solid foundation for our next challenge and strongly fuels optimism and self esteem. And the finish line! The excitement when what we are after comes into view knowing that we have made it ...and ya know that wasn't so bad after all. What a great feeling! I hope to savor that and take it with me next time to the starting line, although my next starting line will not likely be a race, it is a lesson I plan to carry. I also have a  bit better understanding now, having never been an athlete, of why people push themselves physically, a small taste of how wonderful it is to make it across the finish line and how sport truly mirrors life.

These things I would have never known without this opportunity today and choosing to take it ...so the sore legs are well worth it.

 

"Everything is hard before it is easy" Goethe

 

 

 

Developing a Positive Attitude

Certainly it can be challenging to maintain a positive outlook on life.  Struggles with personal finances, job loss or stress, divorce or difficult relationships, health issues in our own lives or a loved ones impact many of us. As well as what at times seems like a barrage of negativity and misfortune from family and friends, when you add to that the evening news some day’s things look very bleak.

How does one combat all this “reality” and remain positive, optimistic and hopeful?

It is really a choice and a willingness to develop some new habits.

Here are some keys for getting started:

1. Make a habit of counting your blessings: it may seem trite but this is scientifically supported. Spend some time each day being thankful for the good stuff even if it is simply a beautiful sunset, the love of a friend or partner, a great cup of coffee. Also take note of how you are a blessing to others; what good stuff do you provide to others? How do you make a positive impact?


2. Surround yourself with positive people: We do chose who we spend time with, minimize negative people and increase people that laugh, enjoy life and are doing well.


3. For every wrong find a right: As you observe what is not working well, either personally or in the world, force yourself to find and name something good that is working well. In all things there is more than one aspect; get in the habit of finding a counterbalance then choose to focus on the positive aspects rather than the negative.


4. Be solution focused; change your perspective on challenges as they arise. These are opportunities to problem solve, stretch yourself and grow. Although tough times stink when we are in them in hindsight they provide the most growth as well as hidden opportunities. Be open to the challenge to find the solution and know that you will get through while benefitting from all you will learn from the struggle.


5. Dream up the best possible outcomes; it is said that we do not get what we want in life but what we expect. Do you expect things will work out well or that you will be successful? Create a vision of you completing a task well, of your relationships being fun and loving; visualize specific events and how you will manage them well before you begin. Top athletes have used this for years as they visualize in great detail the sporting event and their performance going perfectly. This imprints your mind, creates optimism and prepares you for what lies ahead.

Keep in mind you are developing this, cultivating positive ways of thinking is not done overnight. Pick a strategy or two and use discipline to implement it to develop a habit of thinking and behaving. These things do change with a bit of effort and will make a positive impact in how you feel, how others interact with you as well as the results you get in all aspects of your life.

It may well be the single most important thing you can do for yourself ; as you shift your attitude to be more positive you will find your feelings as well as your behavior will follow naturally which will quickly change your world.

I invite you to try some of these ideas to get started but please feel free to contact me I would be happy to send more ideas or help you develop a personalized plan to foster a positive attitude and cultivate p optimism to create a life you love.

 

 

 

The Blessing of Choice

It sometimes seems we are surrounded by choices...in fact it is true, we are. Ones we may take for granted; what we eat, who we spend time with, our attitude. As well as those we agonize over; whether to continue a relationship, change jobs, relocate. The truth is the quality of our lives is a direct result of the quality of the choices we make.

That may be a burden or a blessing to accept, but it is true nonetheless. I think of it as a blessing as I recognize my current reality is a result of many choices I have made previously it empowers me with the knowledge that if I want different results I have the power to make different choices moving forward.

Taking responsibility is a blessing that allows control and options, conversely feeling a victim to circumstance and fate offers no ability to make an improvement or change course. This is a very important distinction; the perspective you have greatly influences your quality of life, ability to succeed and peace of mind.

Sometimes when I introduce this concept of the power and responsibility of choice people take offense assuming this assigns blame. If they are unhappy or doing poorly they may be reluctant to want to own their part in it and frankly can become very angry about this idea. This reaction actually confirms the problem as they have held a viewpoint without choice or control that blamed their circumstance or misfortune on outside events, feeling victim and helpless to change things. This viewpoint only serves to keep them perpetually stuck and unhappy and must be shifted for positive change to occur. Blame and guilt are never useful rather an understanding that the choices made seemed valid at the time with the information and perspectives of that moment, another topic in itself...stay tuned.

Certainly, there are many outside circumstances we do not choose: we do not pick our parents or families, even the country, culture or area we were raised in, many of us have been victims of crime or abuse, have been downsized, betrayed or fallen seriously ill.

The thing to be aware of even in these dramatic, challenging and devastating circumstances is the ability to choose our reaction to them and how we will move forward in spite of them.

Furthermore, the level of success and happiness we enjoy, the types of work we do and relationships we have, in essence most of the day to day aspects of our lives is a result of a multitude of big and little decisions we have made throughout our lives both in what we have decided to do or how we decided to think.

In all cases recognizing the power of choice we have and exercising it allows us room to heal, grow, and find our ultimate success and happiness by choosing to pursue it.

Does that feel like a blessing or a burden to you?

What one thing are you currently doing or involved in that if you had to choose again you would choose differently?

What area of your life would you like to see different results?

How can you make new choices now that will lead to the results you most want?

" The last of the human freedoms...mans ability to choose his attitude ... to choose his own way"

Viktor Frankl 

A great resource for understanding and accepting things beyond our control and finding meaning in all life is Viktor Frankl's phenomenal, life changing book "Mans Search for Meaning"

Freedom and Choice

Over the past several years I have been on a heightened journey of discovery. During this time I have studied a large variety of teachers, questioned myself, reevaluated many ideas I once held as true and found that I have come out in all shades of gray with very little black and white anymore. I have examined my list of personal rules and beliefs and held some dear but have been happy to let most of them go after finding many were not serving me well, holding me back or frankly, just silly.

What I have learned is everything I could ever learn will always be vastly less then there is to know.

That is both comforting and powerful; there will always be new information, new perspectives and opinions. That also means there are multiple solutions, choices and possibilities.

I have learned that everything is multifaceted. All situations, circumstances and people are complex and richly layered with nearly endless ways to be perceived, approached, handled and appreciated.

It is the the freedom of the power of choice I suppose: To choose ones own way, ones own rules in life as well as the attitude given to it.

As Frankl says this is our last freedom, one that cannot be taken from us.

Knowing that one thing changes everything.

Having the power to choose and the knowledge that there are endless good choices, confident that if you make a seemingly not so good choice, in the end one way or another, it all serves to get us where we are to go and to become who we are to be.

I think this is an amazing gift of freedom and I am enjoying it.

There are of course many times we do not see the options but if you look hard enough they are there; if not in the circumstance then in our response to it and how we allow it to impact and define us. Sometimes this may only become clear with much thought or in hindsight but it is there. Oftentimes we need the help of a friend or coach to shift through it. But we can start by asking ourselves questions.

• What beliefs do you hold about the world or about yourself that may hold you back from doing or being what you would really like to be or do?


• What rules of conduct do you keep for yourself and do they serve to make your life better or worse? More free or limited?


• Are the rules and beliefs you have yours? Where did they come from? Are they true and valuable to you?


• What circumstances in your life might be completely different if you chose to look at it from a slightly different or even opposite but valid perspective?


• How could a shift in attitude about how you approach a situation, your day , relationship or career impact your life and that of those around you?

Sometimes you barely have to change anything to change everything....a few shifts in thinking can open up a whole new world.




"The last of human freedoms - the ability to chose one's attitude in a given set of circumstances. "

Viktor E. Frankl

 

Back On Target

Wow!

I have been gone for quite a while!

It surprised even me to see that I have not written a post since the beginning of June.

That was when my daughter told me she was getting married to her long time boyfriend...In July... Of this year.

It has been a wonderful whirlwind of activity since then. I chose to take a vacation from all I could to make time for her  in my role as her Mother and co-Wedding Planner. We had a tremendous amount of fun and it was a lovely wedding ...now it is time to get back to work.

Do you ever do that? Just get everything turned upside down to deal with an immediate pressing issue?

In some regards dropping things that can be dropped helps to maintain balance, even though at first glance it appears quite the opposite. It seems you are putting all your energy into one major endeavor and maybe just coasting or neglecting other areas. That may not seem very balanced.

But if you think of balance as it truly is; always fluctuating and dynamic, not stagnant...then it is easier to see that when something heavy is added to one side some other things must be removed to have some stability. Picture a scale, a popular symbol for balance.

I think sometimes we unrealistically assume having balance means having it all;  some of everything going, all the balls in the air at the same time if you will. But when we do that it requires extreme effort and focus and is franky exhausting, if even possible.  When is there time to take the eyes of the balls and just relax or enjoy life? Think of when we use the term juggling; usually when overwhelmed, stressed, negative.

The real balance is attained when we have a good mix of things in our lives. Not in the quantity or even variety so much but a mix that combines work, challenge and growth with fun, recreation and enjoyment. This formula is ideal in that it appeals to both aspects of ourselves helping us feel good and remain at our best.

This becomes easier when work and play are blurred , such as with the Wedding planning. Six weeks to plan a wedding entails a lot of work but it was filled with equal if not more enjoyment and fun as I had the pleasure to plan the event with my daughter and her fiance.

Now I am back to work and in my role as a coach. I am fortunate to write speak and work with people, all things I love doing so work and play are blurred making balance easier to attain.

• Where in your life might you need to balance the weight of work and responsibility with play and pleasure?


• How can you incorporate more fun into activities that are usually just work or drudgery?


• Where can you blur the lines between work and fun in your life?


• Are there areas that you may need to lessen the load to stabilize while something pressing is occurring?


• After a long hot summer is it time for you to get back into a routine or start a new project?

Coaching can help you to create balance and be a springboard to start or restart working toward your goals.

Give me a call for a free consult

I am ready to get back to work!

 

 

 

I Believe Therefore I am...

We view ourselves and the world through what we believe. What we deeply, even subconsciously believe is the basis of our thoughts, behavior and ultimately the quality of our lives.What we believe about ourselves, what it means to be a man, a woman, sucessful, happy or in love... just for starters.

Building of my last blog about self worth, which is the other big ticket life influence, let's focus on beliefs now.

Honestly, you can have a pretty solid sense of worth, and still have limiting beliefs that you have accumulated from others and your experiences that greatly effect your behavior and success. For instance, you are strong and confident about yourself but have an underlying belief you would never be a good wife or partner, you just are not good at that type of thing. Or possibly your beliefs about long term relationships are that they are painful or difficult. This may result in holding back from meaningful relationships or maybe even sabotaging them unintentionally.

It is possible and in fact probable, that you are strong and confident in some aspects of life and less so or a hot mess in others.

Underlying beliefs can prevent us from having the life we truly want if at some level without our awareness, we believe it is not possible, that we do not deserve it , if we had it it would not last, we are not adequate, no one our age can do it etc.

Sometimes it is subtle: We have subconscious notions for instance about relationships, money, parenting etc. Whatever those are we will fit our thoughts and behaviors to that ideal. Sometimes this can be limiting or destructive especially when we are ready to do something new or move to the next level. For example; if we believe one cannot be a great mother and have a great fulfilling career at the same time you will always struggle and prove that belief to yourself over and over. You may let the obligations of one interfere with the other or limit one, convinced it has to be put aside. This creates tremendous turmoil.

These are self fulfilling prophesies and I am sure you can think of many. There are many conscious ones, stuff we say without thinking and take for granted as true, but there are many more that hide even from us. "If they really knew me they would not like/love me, or I will never have any money, I am uncoordinated and can't dance, I am too old to try something new, people love me only because I take care of everything, men are only attracted to how I look" and on and on.

There are also the biggies; what you believe and perceive overall about the world and people in it that color you interactions, behavior and the results you get personally and professionally. Do you think the world is a good place, that life is wonderful, full of opportunity and adventure or is it drudgery, difficult and full of suffering? Kinda changes your approach to a day huh?

There are countless beliefs about who we are, what we are capable of as well as how we perceive others and the world around us that influence all our thoughts, attitudes and behaviors which result in our ability to be successful, fulfilled and happy.

If you have reached a plateau in your career or personal life , or you have patterns of behavior and habits that do not serve you well or maybe areas of your life that just are not the way you want them to be despite your best efforts; your beliefs hold the key. With awareness you can begin to challenge them  and shift them to be more positive, useful and freeing.

So how do you know what your beliefs are if they are largely subconscious and what can you do about it?

You can start by playing detective; pay attention to hot buttons you have and ask why it bothers you, look for the deeper reason. A hint: it will always come back to you, really it is not about them or a thing but a feeling within you.

What qualities exasperate you in others? How are they related to your own qualities?

Ask yourself why you are doing things, how things make you feel, what might this be related to, how might that hold you back?

What are you afraid of? If there is something you have always said you want and sill do not have? Explore what you are afraid would be the outcome of having it or what you may have to let go of to allow it.

What if something else where true?

Be willing to open minded and honest. Get in the habit of more self awareness this is the first step to the changes you want to make to live a life you love. 

What Are You Worth?

It seems that both in my own life and from my observation and experience of others that when problems arise or something is holding us back from our best it can always be boiled down to the same factors: Our self worth and beliefs.  Self worth is the basic value you put on yourself and your life. From this stems fundamental beliefs about what you are capable and deserving of.

Beliefs are strongly held and mostly subconscious about ourselves and the world. These beliefs filter and color everything we see and do often without our awareness. Our worth of course is based on our beliefs so these concepts go hand in hand.

When we reach a plateau; not quite reaching our ultimate goal or find ourselves stuck in patterns of thinking and behavior that do not serve us well and we want or need to make some significant lasting changes it is these factors that we want to examine, challenge and shift.

These two factors are so complex, influential and impactful they do not lend themselves to short blog articles so I will just start with some basic ideas today on self worth and value and go deeper into beliefs next time.

Underlying everything is how you view and accept self, that colors how you view and accept the world and that determines to very large extent your level of happiness and success.

So that is the root; lets start there.

How do you value yourself? What do you believe to be true about yourself?  Where did those ideas come from and how are they serving you?  What are you worth and how do you judge yourself and others in this regard ? How we judge others, whether loving and accepting or rejecting and harsh may tell us much about how we feel  about and judge ourselves.

 To value yourself:  to feel connected and equal to all those around you, accept your bright qualities as well as the stuff you are not thrilled about as all being valuable unique parts of the total complex and beautiful package of you. This is the ideal and for most of us requires work and may ultimately be the lifetime goal we all strive for.

These concepts may serve you well; if you perceive yourself to be intelligent, capable, strong, lovable and fun your actions and results will reflect that and you will also likely have good relationships with others as well.

Some of us have quite the opposite unfortunately and struggle greatly in our lives with negative self talk, feeling inferior, stupid, unlikeable and so on.

For most of us it is a combination: feeling strong or pretty good in some areas and shaky in others, in certain situations we are confident and capable others make us feel weak or inadequate. Honestly, we all have some times that push our buttons and the vulnerabilities come out.

To be your best and reach your potentials it is necessary to explore these areas and identify your strengths as well as shift the negative concepts to be more positive and supportive. This is really about getting to the underlying issues that drive us . We know that thought drives behavior so we want to tackle those fundamental thoughts. When we just try to change behavior without shifting the thought and belief that drives it it is much more difficult if not impossible to affect lasting change.

A couple years ago I went through a process of challenging my own self concepts and beliefs and redfined and reframed things for myself so that I had more self acceptance and freedom. This has been pivitol for me. In fact,  it was transformational. As soon as I got it, I had it and had it for good, transforming my belief and perception permanently. Naturally there are more beliefs to challenge but now I am solid and ready!  Some of the insights I gathered may be worth your consideration as you search for your own.

Understanding what makes one valuable;  knowing it is intrinsic to all from birth the value and potentials of each unique being. If you believe that as I do and always have very strongly you must also apply that belief to yourself. Funny, I believed that for my whole life just not applying it to me for a long time. The verse that we are all created in Gods image always has been very meaningful to me. I accepted it since childhood for all others but forgot to fully apply it to me.

Knowing what traits/things are truly valuable: It  is not facts or knowledge, looks or anything on the surface, it is not things one easily gains or loses in life, it is what one has come to life with; the unique essence of who you are your unique traits, passions, talents, quirks, strengths, potentials and vulnerabilities. This is one area our culture misses the boat on especially in recent history . All types of people  misled into thinking what one does, has or looks like is what sets them apart and makes them special. I believe this one fundamental misunderstanding of worth and value causes countless misery. Leading us to value empty ideals, pursue meaningless things, feel divided and deeply dissatisfied.

Really knowing and appreciating who you are begins when you start to look at yourself differently, to stop judging yourself,  to treat yourself  as fairly as you would anyone else. To accept and celebrate who you are, all of you. We all come into this world with one unique gift in common; ourselves. We ought to accept it and appreciate it right? This is the key.

 Explore what you believe about you, self worth, value and beliefs, I would love to hear your insights.

" In the faces of men and women I see God"  Walt Whitman

Happy Mothers Day!

I love this day !  My three kids have always done such a beautiful job of making me feel loved, appreciated and special. I have raised a son and 2 daughters all adults now that have turned out to be people that I not only love but really like, respect and admire. They are my favorite people! It is wonderful as a mom to reach that point were you know they are all good, I am very proud.

I often describe the experience of parenting to the famous Dickens opening line from a Tale Of Two Cities," It was the best of times it was the worst of times",  kinda sums it right up? Certainly the most challenging, complex and frustrating yet joyous, rewarding and fulfilling experience in my life. I had my kids young; I have always been a Mom, we grew up together.

In retrospect one can evaluate what they did wrong, imagine what they would do differently or better; I have a long list of that of course. But I also know I did the best I knew how at any given time and all has contributed to them being who they are. In the long run I can only hope they take the good stuff I gave them and will adopt it as their own and will learn to avoid the things I did that did not work so well, finding their own better way.

Mothers Day can be a difficult day for some as well. I know many that miss mothers they have lost. Ones that were loving and powerful forces in their lives taken away all too soon.

Others have pain or resentment for Mothers that were never the loving guides and nurturing supporters they needed. Stuck on this day searching through cards that are overly sentimental trying to find something simple or not acknowledging their mothers at all.

A Mother is arguably the most significant influence in our lives. The impact is powerful whether it is negative or positive. Even not having a mom for some reason growing up leaves a lasting impact. Whatever impact your mother has had in your life it is good to have a day to reflect and be grateful for the good things she passed onto you as well as the examples of things you do not want to be. It is all useful, it is all growth, it all makes us the beautiful complex people we are to be.

So today I look forward to being well fed and attended to, appreciated for whatever good impact I may have had.  Moreover, today I am reminded of the impact these three children have had on me. They have been the most wonderful, significant experience of my life. They have stretched me and made me grow, brought tears to my eyes countless times more often than not because I was laughing so hard. They are ambitious, curious, intelligent, funny, passionate and kind

Thank you Jason, Jessica and Rachel I love you!

 

 

 

.

 

Reveal the Real You ...Please

Not everyone likes introspection and self discovery. Even so, most of us know there are aspects of ourselves we keep under wraps sometimes even from ourselves.

For some not knowing may seem safe; "what if I do not like what I discover?" they silently ask.

My answer to that is a confident no way!

 When you peel away the onion skin layers that may veil your true self from others as well as yourself you will find what you have sought all of your life: You.

You suit you. You were made for you. And you may just find others will fall in love with this more you version of you all over again.

All the trying to be different, rejection of certain aspects, the busyness and noise that has hidden you away has served only to dull who you are. That is the version we do not like of ourselves. It is false, it is partial, it is fragile. It annoys us and continues to fall short in our own eyes because deep down we are dying to get out. To be free and fully ourselves.

Many of us are somehow so afraid of rejection from others that we ultimately reject large parts of ourselves; give up our best ideas, dreams and passions rather than be shot down or  fail.

Certainly, we are all at times cruely critised or judged by others.

The truth is those people that may not really like you may not really like themselves all that much either. So why listen to them?

I think part of it is a result of the good intentions of parents and others as we are raised; You are a good girl for this, bad boy for that. And the not so well intentioned input of insecure and immature siblings and peers teasing or even bullying. And it does not stop there;  media messages, lovers, coworkers everyone is happy to critise.

It seems to grow up we must learn to deny or hide parts of ourselves to attempt to have others love and accept us then as adults we must learn to recover and reveal those parts to ever attempt to fully love and accept ourselves.

It is only then; beautifully and fully you, that you will truly attain the love and acceptance you have always sought. This is the  foundation of lasting happiness.

Reveal you ...please! You and I and everyone else will thank you for it. It is the unique and complete version of you that is needed here. Trust that.

" To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment."

Ralph Waldo Emerson

 

" At best you can only ever be a second rate version of someone else, you will always be the best YOU"

 unknown

 

 

7 Top Tips for More Passion and Happiness Now

Surveys indicate that 80% of Americans do not feel passionate about their lives. That is a huge number!

Thoreau wrote in the mid 1800's " Most men lead lives of quiet desperation and go to the grave with the song still in them". Sad but true even after all these years.

It is easy to get stuck in a rut, to lose sight of our dreams and the things we love most. In fact, it is all too common. We are busy, we have many obligations, we are all grown up and serious now. But, being in that 80% gets boring, unfulfilling and very ho hum. It leaves us feeling stressed and anxious as well because we are not being true to ourselves and following our heart and soul.

I don't know about you but I wanna be in the 20%!

The fortunate 20% of Americans that do feel passionate about their lives and are living vibrant, full and fun lives.

Top 7 Tips to be More Happy and Passionate

1. Know yourself  Always the first and most crucial step. Get in touch with what you want, what is important to you and what you enjoy. Spend time unplugged from daily distraction to reflect and listen. What do you do best? What do you never tire of? When do you feel in the zone? What do others admire most in you? Use questions and also reflect on the best times of your life to shape a picture of what you are passionate about. Recall the things you most loved in your youth; what makes you think you won't still love that now or maybe something similar.


2. Have the courage to follow your heart We all deal with fear at some point. Certainly, it can be scary to fully put yourself out there to follow your passions; to really live as you want and pursue what is most important to you." What if I do and fail?" we think. "What if I do and succeed?" needs to be the answer because that is the truth. Very often it is fear of what others will think that holds us back. We do not want to look stupid or foolish or fall down in front of our peers. Fear is normal. Cultivate courage to act in spite of any fear.


3. Lose the excuses Many excuses will fall away once you manage fear. But the biggie " I do not have the time" can be a stubborn one. Access for yourself if that is really true. Take stock of your days and weeks; where are are you spending empty moments or hours for that matter? What are you currently doing that you could stop or delegate? Find time for what matters most: You. Rid yourself of reasons not to have a great life. 


4. Take the gloves off  Stop holding back. At times we  protect ourselves too much, not wanting to get hurt and  preventing the good stuff of life in the process. To be passionate we must get a little dirty, be more sensual and feel life fully; the great stuff and the not so great. Go ahead; feel, experience, express, live.


5. Be happier? Do more happy things  It is a simple premise;  if you want to have a happier life do more of what makes you happy. Simple is so often overlooked. When life gets hectic and our schedule get's tight what is the first thing to go? The good stuff, the fun stuff, the truly important stuff that makes our lives enjoyable and recharges us to be our best. Just when we need it the most. Do more of what makes you feel good you need it and deserve it.


6. Shift your focus Become aware of what you think about and talk about on regular basis. It  seems it is human nature to complain, dwell on the problems and see the clouds on the most beautiful of days. This type of behavior trains our brains to look for more of the same; more negative. Choose to focus instead on the good stuff; what you want to create rather on what you will never have. Avoid pessimists and complainers and surround yourself with positive energy like-minded people.


7. Make YOU a priority Start living like the movie star you truly are. Do not settle for a supporting role in your own life movie. Write your own happy ending and enjoy all the excitment and challenges in between. This is your life. Popular belief says you just get one. Isn't it time you lived it the way you want to? Pursue what is most important to you, find time to enjoy everyday. Really believe in something, take a stand. Laugh out loud, cry if you want....feel and experience deeply and completely.

 

 

It Is Not In The Why But In The How

It seems that when something happens,  particularly something we perceive as difficult or bad, much energy is spent on the why: why did this happen? Why do I deserve this? What are the reasons and motivations exactly that lead to this? Why did I do that?

One of the first things we do is attempt to  make sense of a thing or situation by struggling to understand why it has occurred. This is a natural and reasonable response. The insight can be very useful in fact. We can learn and grow with this knowledge. However, certain situations have no easy answers or discernible reasons. Frequently we can get  stuck in this mode of asking why to our own detriment. The why presses upon us sometimes bringing guilt or blame and almost always a sense of injustice, inequality or persecution. If we decide something is unfair and undeserved it does not make it go away but can make us not handle it effectively since "we should not have to".

Do you know people that are still ruminating the why's of their childhood or past relationships? Why they were passed over for a promotion? Why they fell so ill? It can become endless. In my experience spending more than a few moments on the why is just not very useful.

I have found myself in this loop of thinking before and quickly catch myself because I can feel this thinking oppressing and depressing me. Personally, I have always been far better off focusing on how to solve something or move forward in spite of it and so my why naturally turns quickly into how to overcome or adjust and that works pretty well for me.

I believe the more important answers to what happens in our lives come from asking how not why. How will I solve this. handle it, live with it ? How will I respond as my best self? How can I grow and learn from this experience? How can I serve or guide others as a result of this?

Ultimately, how does this make me more of who I am and who I am to be?

That is the underlying question in both the most wonderful and most difficult of times: How can this make me more of who I am to be?

When you can embrace that way of thinking whatever circumstance is an opportunity and can even be welcomed if not for the thing itself but for what you will gain that you would not have otherwise.

I admit, it is not easy to think this way. I have to frequently remind myself and redirect my thinking.

Sometimes I do not want to go through it, even if I will grow and evolve. But, there is usually not a choice in the thing,  just in our response to it so that is where our focus must be.

This really struck me as I  have been reading Viktor Frankl Mans Search For Meaning the past week. This recounts his experience and observations as a concentration camp prisoner during the Holocaust.  As a psychiatrist and a survivor of the horror of many years in camp with tremendous loss of freedom, identity, beloved wife and family he contends that the main motivational force of mans life is his search for meaning. He identifies the last human freedom as the ability we have to choose our attitude and response regardless of external circumstance and it is in this response that we are defined and whole. He states that there is unique opportunity in how we bear our burdens. Further, that it is not what we expect from life but rather what life expects from us that matters.

It is a beautiful book and I highly recommend it.

It made my how bigger. Not just how do I solve, overcome and share my lessons but how does this make me more? How can I be the best me in bearing it?  Wow! This leaves a huge amount of room for improvement. I feel more calm and comfortable facing the difficulties with these questions, feeling almost lucky for the chance to step up to the plate with faith that there is unique opportunity in all.

Obviously, people under those drastic horrific circumstances of the Nazi Camps that were somehow able to find meaning and press on make my troubles and challenges rather insignificant. But also serve as a model that no matter what the challenge or circumstance there is meaning and growth to be found if we can focus on the how.

• How will this experience stretch me? Add to my character and build my strengths?


• How will this experience shift my perspectives and expand my thinking?


• How can this provide an opportunity to fully utilize the creativity, strength and wisdom I do not always get to use?


• How can I model for my children or peers positive behavior and attitudes?


• How will this make me more of who I am and who I am to be?

 

 

Is The Credit and Blame Game Holding You Back?

Who get's the credit and or blame in your life?

It seems when things go wrong as they invariably do, many of us, at least privately are quick to blame and even belittle ourselves for our fault. Many people publicly, loudly pronounce themselves stupid or inept in some way. Often times, we punish ourselves dramatically and frequently  for  mistakes or short comings that happened years before. We are eager and willing to assemble a long list of exactly how and where we missed the mark.

By and large we have little trouble accepting the blame when things go wrong, and we do not quickly forget.

Conversely, many people have a very hard time accepting the credit when things go well, even when they have a momentous success. We diminish our part, write it off to blind luck or thank God or the universe for causing something to happen. Frequently, no matter the victory we will find pieces within it to criticize or point out our failure to have done more or better. At the least, many of us will humbly accept some credit and  then forget all about it choosing to focus instead on the next challenge without really recognizing or celebrating the success.

There are numerous answers for this I am sure. Upbringing, culture, hard wiring, habits of thought and behavior. But whatever the reasons this type of behavior and thinking does us harm and limits us from being our best.

Our reference point of credit and blame is a large part of how we explain our world and importantly our possibilities in it.

Do we believe we have the power to achieve great things by our own volition or is it dependent on luck or divinity? Are we able to recognize and thus build upon our triumphs and draw upon our strengths? Do we criticize our real or imagined failings and so keep ourselves from attempting or even believing in our best? Are we ready to go over the long list of times things did not work, of mistakes we have made as evidence not to trust ourselves and prove our certain failure before even trying?

For us to be fully our best selves and be successful we must manage these types of thinking habits.

1. Take stock of your achievements and things you have overcome, write them down as well as the specific talents skills or problem solving you were able to use successfully.


2. Pay attention  to your habits of credit and blame: Are they fair? Shift your perspectives to include you as the central role in your life that you play. Be conscious of  being overly focused on the negative and diminishing your own achievements and abilities. Notice if you allow past failings to predict future ones.


3. When embarking upon an new challenge prepare yourself by drawing upon past evidence of your capability and victories as proof you are ready to succeed once more.


4. Acknowledge if you wish divine blessing but realize you made the choice to use those gifts well and be proud of your part.


5.  Choose to recognize that all that has happened thus far in your life is an important part of your success story.

The truth is the things that did not work or even failed miserably  often teach the best lessons.Pointing out areas of growth or to signal the need for a new direction.

The victories you experience both large and small highlight your strengths to build upon, define your talents and passions and provide evidence of you amazing abilities.  These successes stock the shelves and build the skills and confidence you need to face more challenges and try new things.

Developing  a healthy balanced approach to the credit and blame game will empower you to do your best. Be responsible for all you make happen in your life and know it is ultimately for your growth and good and leads to your success.

Eliminate Stress from the Core

What stresses you out? What keeps you up at night, gnaws at you, makes your head throb and your muscles tight?

We all have stress and anxiety at times, unfortunately for some of us it is a lot of the time.

Much has been written, including a bit by me, regarding managing and reducing stress, ideas that are proven, solid and helpful as well. Keep in mind some stress and anxiety is useful and should be used as a natural warning sign something is amiss and should be paid attention to. Now a days though everywhere you turn people lament that they are "stressed out" and need relief.

But what if there were a way to eliminate stress from the core? Make an underlying powerful shift in perspectives that would head off any uncomfortable reactions in the first place...would you be interested?

The truth is events, circumstance and situations are not stressful in themselves. They do not have  meaning other than that which we assign them. This is the key reason; our individual interpretation that explains the disparity of how people react to and handle "stress". So the trick is to get to the core. The core thought and emotion that fuels your reaction that does not serve you. Accept the fact that it is not the thing but how you think about it and now you have the power to change how you think about it, manage and react.

With some effort you can change the way you look at things, greatly reducing what you even consider to be stressful.

You can better recognize what is under your control and let go of what is not.

You can understand the real importance and significance of things and not sweat the small stuff.

You can store up your resources and recharge yourself regularly. Be confident in you ability to handle any and all challenges that come your way. You will then be well prepared when called upon.

You can chose when things are difficult to focus on the strengths, blessings and lessons as well as the opportunity to dig in, access your best self and grow as we invariable do in challenging times. Something good always comes, expect it.

Shifting how you think about and approach the "stress" in your life has the power to transform it and you and with enough practice eliminate stress from the core.

So, what stresses you out and how can you shift the way you think about it?

 

Whatever Happened to Joe?

Sometimes we have a nagging feeling that things just are not right. It may be general discontent and dissatisfaction or things may get to the point of unravelling around us. That happened to Joe a few months ago as the career path he had been continuing to struggle with came to a dead end as he was let go. Admittedly, this was not his dream job and in fact he had not in his forty + years really considered or chosen a career but instead stumbled into something that seemed reasonable and secure and diligently tried for years to make it work with lackluster results. We spoke and met several times about uncovering his strengths and talents, exploring his passions and discovering a sense of meaning and purpose as he decided what to do next. He recognized how little he really knew of himself and was excited but fearful of what he might uncover.

Little progress was made.

Although not working he found scarce time to invest in self exploration, during our conversations  he was engaged and claimed commitment but there was no follow up on his part.

He has recently found another position within the same industry he struggled with before. He is not excited, but it is what he is familiar with and that means something to many of us. Certainly some new approaches and attitudes mixed with a new opportunity may bring him success, I hope so.

This  situation is not uncommon. In fact it is more uncommon for people to think this way; to be self aware and willing to find their own answers to live life on their own terms. To believe that more is possible  for themselves and their lives and that they are responsible and capable to create it.

Many of us are simply not in the habit of being truly in touch with who we are and what we want. It can be uncomfortable to dig in a bit, although the  rewards are great it does get a little dirty at times. If you do not see the possibilities and benefits it is hard to be motivated. Fear always plays a role as we endeavor to do bigger and better things and grow. You do not have to wait to be fearless, just to have that courage to do what needs to be done in spite of fear. To believe the unknown may in fact be better than the known.

Ultimately, one has to be ready, as with most worthwhile things no one can do it for you. The journey is our own and we have to choose it in our own time.

 

 

 

 

Ink Blot Test

 For many years psychiatrists and psychologists have used the Rorschach test for insight into human behavior and thinking. I am sure you are familiar with this scientific test; a series of ink blot images are shown to the subject and they are to describe what they see. What they see is a direct reflection of who they are, how they perceive and feel about both themselves and their world.

What we see in each other and our world everyday is also a unique refection of who and how we are. Our emotions, current and past  events and attitudes shape all our perceptions and color our beliefs. Being aware of this is vital. Understanding you have the ability to change it is powerful.

A person with an overall optimistic and upbeat attitude is more likely to try new things and make new friends. Their positive perception of the world and others is a direct reflection of their positive perception of themselves and their ability to do well. Additionally, people are naturally attracted to them because of the attitude and energy they put out.

Conversely, people that routinely see things negatively or are apt to feel no one likes them and things are aligned against them are really projecting their insecurity, self doubt and dislike outward. Others pick up on this often before a word is spoken.

Your ink blot test is the results you get when you look at yourself, others and circumstances in your world. Make some observations and some interpertations.

Many of us, have areas that cause us trouble on a regular basis that we are keenly aware of and may even really want to change.  Are you sometimes unforgiving, intolerant, rigid?  Do you dislike certain traits in others or have a hard time accepting people? Are you cynical or suspicious?

Become aware of how these very things apply to how you  perceive yourself and then set out to shift your perspective of you.

Be more tolerant, accepting and forgiving of yourself and it becomes easy to be so with others.

Focus on your strengths and develop confidence in your abilities then difficulties and obstacles will be neutralized and overcome more easily.

To do this awareness is key. Explore circumstances that may have led to your perceptions and challenge yourself about whether it is valid and true to continue to relate current people and circumstance to this example.Be honest about where these attitudes and perceptions come from and how they help or hinder you in your life. Do they move you forward, bring you happiness and enrich your life?

For some of us this requires we dig a bit and maybe explore several things that formed these habits of thinking that do not serve us. Frankly, it is not always so easy to do. But I warn you: when you really shift it is a permanent and powerful transformation.

If the results of your ink blot test are not quite what you would like; change the only variable...you.

 

There are resources available via therapy, coaching and assesment tools if  you need assistance. The  Energy Leadership Index Assessment measures these factors and is a great tool to uncover perspectives and attitudes that effect your view of yourself and the world, the vibe you put out and how others ultimately view you.

Learn more http://www.lifescapesite.com/services/assessments

 

" When we change the way we look at things the things we look at change"

Wayne Dyer

 

 

 

 

Believe

For all the dreaming and planning we do, careful goal setting and preparation; all of this will fall short without one crucial element: Belief.

Dream. Believe. Act . A simple formula that is not always so simple.

I think we spend most of our time on the dream or goal and the action required but very little recognizing the importance of belief. Belief itself, like everything, is multifaceted.

We must believe not only that what we seek is possible and attainable, but that we are capable and worthy to achieve it. This can be more complex then it seems.

We easily get caught in our day to day living and thinking and often have a hard time imaging more for ourselves and being creative in the first place. This is the ability to believe in possibilities for oneself. Shifting perspectives, utilizing creative and expansive thinking and allowing those ideas to be real possibilities for oneself is the first step in transformation of any size. We must believe in the limitless possibilities and choices before us. There are always far more than we think. This requires imagination and courage to go outside of our comfort zones to explore. This is the element that squashes so much positive change as we are creatures of habit that are in the habit of thinking that they way things are are the way things will remain. Who says so?

When we give up or fall short it is often due to weak effort which is likely due to a lack of real motivation, truly wanting something, or a lack of belief that you can do what you say and deserve to be successful. It may be unconscious  thoughts about who we are, what we are capable of and what we deserve that gets in the way. Or conscious negative thinking, that little voice of doubt and limiting ideas. As we know, these thoughts all drive and effect our behaviors and can lead to self sabotage. So it is wise to recognize and challenge them, shift perspectives to ones that serve us better and provide support. Shoring up confidence, self esteem and recognizing that all our thoughts are not true or helpful and can be altered is very powerful.

All positive change, innovation and achievement starts with a dream and is carried on wings of belief over resistance and obstacles into solid action to become reality. Believe to take flight.




Who do you believe you are?

What do you think is possible for yourself?

What do you dare dream and believe?

"The future belongs to those that believe in the beauty of their dreams." Eleanor Roosevelt

 

Goal Setting Success

 

So this is technically step three. If you have been following my posts since January: know yourself, create the vision, connect your values and be aligned and motivated were topics that all came before this.

                                  So  now you are ready!

Select Goals Carefully: Is it yours? Will it provide what you seek? Does it support your larger vision?

Be Specific: State what you want in detail; more money, how much more? More fitness, in what way? Increase sales, what type and by how much? New relationship? Details please...

Reasonable: Not too big to be overwhelming, not too small to bore you. Keep in mind, we are at our best when challenged.

Measure and Time: How much by when? How will you know you are on track otherwise?

Break It Down: Larger goals and visions are built on achieving milestones along the way. What will you achieve first to build upon? What are the first steps and when will you take them?

Write and Review: Written goals are proven again and again to be far more powerful. Write them, read them and review them often.

Accountability: Most people do very well when they have a partner, club or group to work with that counts on them, knows the goals, lends support and encouragement. In general, most of us will do anything not to fall short in public or let others down so it works wonders for many. If you think you may benefit hire a coach, preferably through LifeScape of course,  join a group or enlist a friend.

Be Resolute: Commit. Recommit. Be firm, unwavering and determined and when that does not work, start again the next moment.

Be Aware: Recognize what may stand in your way, even if it is you, (often this is the case). Also,  be aware of any skills or knowledge you need to acquire to get what you want; prepare.

H.A.R.D According to author Mark Murphy, goals should be Heartfelt, Animated, Required and Difficult. I couldn't agree more. His site has many resources to assess if yours are: http://www.hardgoals.com/

Set two to three goals, we really cannot focus on more than that.  Now is the time to create a detailed plan to attain them and shore up your confidence and courage to make it happen. I will give you some keys to doing that next week.

In the meantime, write some goals for yourself. Be bold, share them here in the comments and we will help to hold you accountable and wait to hear your success story.

MOTIVATION

Certainly the word motivation gets a lot of attention in my line of work. In fact most people immediately turn to the topic of motivation anytime a goal, change or challenge comes up. Finding motivation to start, as well as staying motivated to do what we want is something just about everyone struggles with. There are volumes written on this topic and I have quite a few thoughts on it as well, let's start with the keys.

Three Keys To Motivation

Motive: This is the root of the word but so often overlooked. Why do you want what you want? What benefits and outcomes do you seek? The real reasons, the deep reasons. Clue: the stated reasons are usually on the surface stuff. Dig deeper; what emotion will it strike in you when you are successful? What will it mean and how will you or your life be different and better. If you get what you are aiming for how will you feel and benefit.  By the way, this is a good time to check if the outcome and benefit will actually be provided by attaining the stated goal. Many times that is not the case and we work hard for something only to attain it and find that it did not provide what we really wanted. Furthermore, visualize your success, feel the benefits, experience it as fully as possible, imagine all the details and the emotion of how it feels. Do this often.

Alignment: There are two aspects of alignment. One relates specifically to the goal and how it aligns with you; your values and vision for your life. We can find much more energy and enthusiasm for doing things that have deep meaning to us and we believe in. Also, does it fit into the bigger picture and vision of your life? Naturally, you need to spend your time pursuing that which takes you toward you vision. As you relate your goals to your values...but wait, this presumes you are clear on your personal values. So let's back up; as you are creating your vision as we discussed in my last post and setting goals take the time to take stock of your values. What are your guiding principles and what is most important to you? If you have not  done this in awhile it is well worth the effort. Our values are what drives and motivates all our behavior and decisions, become crystal clear and honor them. I use a simple assesment with clients if you email me a request I would be happy to send you an email back with a free assessment to help you become clear. This is vital. If your goals work well within your values and you can connect them to your strong beliefs you are naturally going to be more motivated. Watch out if they are not, or go against your values, this is a huge red flag.

The other aspect of alignment is you . Are you in alignment emotionally and mentally with what you say you want? Some inner exploration is needed here. Do you  truly want what you say? And more importantly, do you believe you deserve it and are worthy and capable of what you seek? Are you single minded or divided? Of mixed emotion regarding attaining the goal or making the change? If you are,  you will not be motivated to start or be able to maintain it long. In this case, it may be limiting beliefs, low self esteem, a lack of clarity, an attachment or fear. These things tend not to take care of themselves, tackle it . If you are wrestling with this type of issue know that dealing with it is far easier than trying to continue to live with it.

Commitment: Let's face it, even the best of us are not at our best everyday. We must commit to do it. Fake it till you make it when necessary. I believe it is even more crucial to be prepared to recommit. There will be lost battles, this does not mean you lose the war. Plan to recommit to your goal however often is needed. For some situations that may be hourly or even moment to moment like with an addiction; cigarettes for instance. Or, on the occassions you succumb to a slack off day at the gym or office. Be resolute, unwavering and determined and you are bound to be successful. Keep in mind; most valuable and meaningful things we  achieve are done so over time and as a result of some effort, failing and struggle. It is the hardest fought victories that are always the sweetest so if you have a goal you can believe in and commit to,  be prepared to recommit as well.

Next up: set the goals. Yes, the process of specific goal setting comes after this work. No point setting goals if you are not first clear on your vision, values and where your true motivation lies.

In fact, by now you should be really motivated to write some goals!

 

 

Know You

Socrates said it best," know thyself". This is truly the first element in living a fulfilling, deeply satisfying and happy life. It is the basis of all else. As I have been blogging and speaking lately on the topic of making 2012  your best year ever this concept has been the first thing we address. Often this is concept is taken for granted, but the truth is many people struggle with answering basic crucial questions. This may be due to the fact that most of us were not encouraged to creatively think this way and individuality is not often encouraged. As young people we are torn between becoming authentically ourselves and a longing and pressure to fit in. Somehow as we grow older we can become conditioned to believe we must fit in to a model or type to succeed or even be loved. For some, concealing who they really are becomes a full time job, convinced another role or personality will serve them better. This leads to all sorts of trouble and frustration. But for many of us it is more subtle; not being clear on what we most want for ourselves and our lives, knowing and living our values, connecting to and pursuing our passions. I believe the purpose of life is to fully become who we are, to authentically share that with the world using our strengths and talents to pursue what is most important to us.  I believe that is what will bring us deep satisfaction, lasting happiness and meaning. That is the foundation of LifeScape and my basis of coaching.

So how do we begin to reconnect to our authentic selves?  From my last post and workshop I suggest writing a list with 3 headings BE, DO, HAVE  creatively listing what you can dream for yourself in each catagory. Take time with this and keep in mind who you truly want to be, how you most want to live, the types of work, relationships and activities as well as material items you want to enjoy or benchmarks you want to reach.

Another exercise is to reflect; what has brought you the most joy thus far in your life? Think of times you were at your best and list the activities and qualities you were expressing. Remember your biggest victories personal and professional. Reconnect to hobbies and activities you may have put aside and recall why you enjoyed them. Looking back and identifying common themes and paying attention to why it felt good or why we were successful clues us in to where our talents, strengths and passions are and makes it clear what we need more of in our lives.

This combination of looking forward and reflecting back will create a picture of what is most important to you and will allow you to begin to formulate a vision of what is next for you to create your best life.

Once you have a vision that is you, you will know it. It will be exciting, it will make you smile, it will fit,  even if it scares you a bit. With this knowledge you then have the choice to live boldly, fully and authentically; or not. The rewards are great, the costs not too high. In fact the costs not to are staggering. Honestly, it is far easier than you might think, but you must choose it.

Become more of who you are... we all want and need more of you.

What would you like to be, do or have more of in your life?

 

Best Year Ever 2012

Here are the major ideas from the workshop I did January 18. Many people requested additional notes. If you find these ideas helpful you will be interested in the best year monthly groups that are forming now. Groups of 4 to 6 will work independently on topics that explore what you most want to be, do and have assisting you to develop goals, take action and overcome hurdles to create your best year and ultimately your best life. Meetings will be via teleconference monthly 7:30 pm on the 3rd Thursday. Get in on this powerful and affordable way to make this a great year of growth, discovery and accomplishment.  More info on the events page. Call to register this week and receive a free private coaching session in addition to 10 months of group!

Your Best Year 2012

Know what you want: Explore deeply who you really are and who you want to be as well as what you most want to do,  experience and have in your life.

Many of us have not been taught to ask ourselves these crucial questions. Sometimes we mistakenly believe thinking this way is selfish. It is in fact quite the opposite. Selfishness is about imposing your will on others, demanding things and people be the way you want. Ensuring you are clear and true about who you are is why you are here: to fully become who you are and share that with the world. To accomplish that you must have the answers to these questions.

Simply write the headings:  Be* Do *Have and start a list under each. If you have not spent much time  in the past thinking this way give yourself some time, maybe several days to consider and revise your list until it becomes a reflection that feels authentic and complete to you.

Assess where you are currently. Look at the different aspects of your life; career, health and fitness, finances, relationships both social and intimate, family, fun and recreation and rate how satisfied you are on a scale of 1-10. This will highlight areas that may need some attention.

Begin with the end in mind: From the vantage point of New Years Eve 2012 describe in great detail what has happened that has made this year the best ever. Remember, this is highly personal so it is what you experienced or accomplished that matters. What made the most impact? Brought the most satisfaction and joy? This is creating your vision and is vital, it is the destination all your goals will be driving you toward. Know where you are going, then you can create the map to get there.

Select and Set Goals: So much can be said about setting and achieving goals, here are some highlights:

Make it your Goal. Own it. Something you want, not an I should or what some else thinks you ought to do." Weak desire brings weak results,"  said Napolean Hill. Have strong desire.

Reasonable: Not too big to be overwhelming or to small to be meaningless . Challenge yourself but make it attainable. the sweetest victories and best sense of accomplishment come from really stretching ourselves.

Specific. State exactly, precisely what you will do.

Time and Measure. How much, how soon ect. So you can track progress and plan well.

Written. Written goals are more solid and real and studies show people that write goals are far more successful in attaining them than those who do not .Look at them regulary and review, this helps focus as well.

Motivation. Go to the root of the word; for starters, what is your motive? Why do you want what you want? What are the benefits and how will you feel in achieving them? Connect with the benefits and emotion to get you and keep you moving.

Accountability: Use a partner or group to share you goal and check in with. You are less likely to duck out when others are counting on you and tracking your progress.

Be committed and recommit as often as necessary. There is no try as the Yodi said, only do or do not do. Get rid of try in your language and thinking. Recognize going in of course that everyday is not a 10 and none of us are perfect . Somedays you will slip, somedays miss the mark completely, this does not mean you cannot or will not reach your goal. Use these times as an excuse to recommit rather than an excuse to give up as so many do.

Believe: Believe in the possibilities and dreams you have for yourself and your ability to achieve them. Rarely, if ever does an individual exceed his own expectation. Believe: see yourself successful in your endeavor and that you deserve and are worthy to be so. If this is a struggle for you identify and address it now. Your subconcious and concious vision of yourself must be in alignment with your vision and goals if it is not it will cause all types of hurdles. Many people struggle again and again with thinking and or behavior that limits them or holds them back. We can be our own worst enemy or best friend, you decide. If this is an issue handling this element alone can make this your best year ever.

Once you have worked though the steps of assessment, discovery and vision set some goals following the guidelines above. Two or three is really all you need, pick ones that will have the impact to make you feel this was the best year ever and take you where your vision leads. Look for impact, passion, emotion and energy in them. You will know they are right if they excite you even if they scare you a little too. Goals are only the beginning though you must make an action plan and implement it . Take action. Did I mention you must take action? Figure out what your first step is and get started today.

"Whatever you can do or dream you can do; begin it. Boldness has genuis, power and magic in it. Begin it now." Goethe

Be bold, be fully you and pursue what you most want in 2012!

 

 What would make 2012 your best year ever? Please post below.