Basics: The Four "R's"

I love this week of the year. A time to return to the basics after the often frenetic pace of the holidays combined with year end business activities. This brief week has a slower tempo; many take off work, clean up, rest. I find it a great  opportunity to rest and reflect on the triumphs and lessons of the previous year, restore my energy and renew my commitments and goals going into the new year.

The Four R's:

Rest: So taken for granted, admittedly by me as well often times. Rest is necessary to allow our mind, body and soul to heal and rejuvenate. Sleep is vital to our bodies but also our minds to remain sharp focused and creative. Studies show sleepless nights reduce memory and increase moodiness by up to 50%. Even short term sleep deprivation increases risk of many illnesses as well. Not only sleep, but allowing time to relax and slow down is restorative, we must be rested to truly be at our best.

Reflect: Taking time to honestly assess and evaluate where you are and where you are going is crucial to being effective, satisfied and genuinely happy. How did the last year go for you? What worked well, what not so much? Who do you want to be in the new year and what would you most like to do?  Make room to celebrate goals accomplished, even seemingly small ones, use those successes to build upon in the new year. Investigate which areas of your career and life were neglected or dissatisfying, what needs attention or needs to be shed moving forward?

Restore: Taken literally, re -store your personal supplies. Make it a priority to reconnect to yourself,  to feed yourself to be ready to take on the new year. We all get depleted as we  tend to give and give and give without taking a moment to restock the shelves so to speak. At some point we run out of supplies if we do not replenish. We all recharge in different ways, find what works for you. Meditation, yoga, running, prayer, a trip to Bali, or visiting with good friends.  Just reconnect to restore the deep connection you have with your higher self and higher power.

Renew: Once you have gone through this process it will become clear what direction you want to take in the new year. This is the time to renew your efforts and strengthen your resolve for  the commitments you have to yourself and your goals. You are in a great position now to set goals and design what you most want to create in the new year. If you are still unclear about what you want or what the best next step is for you illicit the help of a coach to accelerate your success. Now may be  a great time for a free consult to explore your options and guide you to make powerful action plans moving forward.

 

 

Update on Joe's Journey

So you may remember my client Joe. He is in a time of transition in his career and reached out to me midlife to figure out what he has been missing. He has not found the career fit or the life fulfillment he desires and in a sense has been going through the motions day to day for several years as many of us do. I have sent him quite a bit of materials and exercises to get him started. We have also met a few times both in person and over the phone. However, he has really not dug in yet to the task of discovery or creating a plan to move forward. I have asked him more than once about this and reconfirmed with him that working with me on these matters is in fact what he wants. He assures me it is.

[caption id="attachment_910" align="alignleft" width="150" caption="start your journey"][/caption]

I believe him. I think that his desire for change is strong; he wants to discover himself, what his strengths and passions are to find direction and ultimately a career and life that is successful and fulfilling.

For most of us what Joe is doing is familiar ; wanting change yet resisting the onset and the work.

We all want change at one point or another. Whether to loose some weight, start an exercise regime, stick to a budget, renew a relationship or to change a career.

The truth is; we really want the change, but not neccessarily the process of changing. Just give us the results we will pass on the hard work right? Normal. Even if you are willing to do the work, as I believe Joe is, it is hard to get started and maybe a little scary too.

Leaving one way of being behind that you are used to to step into something unknow is scary. Asking yourself tough questions can be intimidating as well, do you really want to get to know yourself so well? Will you like yourself more or less after that process?

It has been a hectic time of year since Joe and I started this journey, I am confident we will keep moving along the path which is all that really matters: Move forward at whatever pace suits you. Because when you are really drawn to do something or what you are currently doing isn't working the  secret is that the change is always much easier than staying where you are.

What would you like to do or change and what holds you back?

 

Attitude of Gratitude

I love Thanksgiving! As you may already  know, I am a big holiday person. But Thanksgiving is such a cozy-yummy-get together and hang out time. And what a fantastic idea for a holiday! Do you suppose the early settlers that established the sharing of a meal with their new neighbors setting aside time to give thanks knew how powerful it was to do so?

I believe they did. Let's face it,  life was difficult in the new world. Resources were scarce ,the environment rough and raw, there were new and very different people and customs to adjust to. Yet, they apparently knew the value of focusing on the positives, embracing the challenges and having an attitude of gratitude. Doing so surely lifted their spirits, recharged them and connected them to each other. Today, practicing gratitude is scientifically proven to be a primary tool for happiness and coping. Feeling grateful crushes depression and complaining very effectively. While it is somewhat cliche to casually say "count your blessings "or "look for the silver lining", those comments can even be irritating when we are very stressed or faced with difficult, complex challenges. But the truth is: it works. We do have the power to choose our focus and attitude regardless of the external stressors in our lives. That is not to say it is easy. However, when things are stressful it is the best time to do so.

Recent events for me have included many more time commitments and family obligations in addition to an already full schedule. I have found in the moments that I can remain positive and thankful for the good parts of my days, particularly the wonderful people and resources I have in my life, my mood is brighter and I feel strong and capable. I am very fortunate to be in a position to help and care for others and make a positive impact. Conversely, in times I let exhaustion seep in and focus only on the endless to do list it is easy to quickly become negative, feel downtrodden and overwhelmed. Being aware of this helps tremendously as I realize I have the choice of my perspectives. Living from choice is always a positive and powerful place to be.

This week is a great time to reflect and be thankful for the positive people, things and experiences you have in your life and also to be grateful for the opportunities you have to care, share and make a positve impact. If you incorporate this attitude into you life moving forward you will soon find yourself happier and less stressed as a natural side effect. Consider adopting this attitude of gratitude beyond this week, you will be thankful you did.

Tips:

• Keep a gratitude journal


•  Routinely write thank you notes to people that have had a positive impact in your week


• Take a moment to notice the beauty in nature or music, see something with fresh eyes


• Appreciate yourself; for your strength and capability to meet the challenges you face


• Notice small niceties, like someones smile or holding a door for you


• Take stock of the big (employment, spouse) and small (a beautiful pair of shoes, a great meal),things in your life  at least weekly if not daily.


• In every stressed and difficult moment discipline yourself to find the diamonds of goodness in the darkness. How will this bring knowledge, good or just relief in the long run? Dig deep, it is there.


• Make time for the things you love then relish those moments and appreciate the experience all the more.


• Create a web page; get the family involved to share successes, post thank you notes and celebrate the goodness in life.

Please post some of your own ideas and results if you try some of mine

I will be grateful to hear from you!

Have a wonderful Holiday!

 

Joe's Journey

Recently I did a consult with a man I will call Joe. He has been mildly interested in coaching in the past due to feeling somewhat dissatisfied in his career and the general direction of his life. He contacted me with renewed interest after losing his job. This time of difficulty and transition has provided motivation to reevaluate and seize the opportunity to make some changes. Times like these tend to make us take a step back and look at where we are and where we want to be, ideal times for coaching by he way. During the consult it became apparent that like many of us he is unsure what he would really like to do. At this mid point in his life he is wondering what his calling and purpose is, what will provide meaning and fulfillment in addition to success. Joe thought he was on a path to stability but in retrospect knows it was a path he chose because he "should"  because of family influence and expectations and although he was committed, he struggled in the career to find success or fulfilment.

As we get started I have asked him to explore and prioritize his values and to assess his strengths and passions, these are things he has to put some thought into, he had no ready answers. Yet  these are the basis of finding what he most wants.

So, Joe has homework this week. This is a process, a journey that we have begun. I sense some reluctance to really dig in and I wonder if he will do it. We all  have times like these; we ask ourselves how did we get here? What is it all about? What do we really want or is this all there is? We stumble upon opportunities to change course to one that suits us better and to follow our dreams. Not all of us take these opportunities, in fact too few do. Somehow it seems easier to go for the quick fix or to stay the familiar albeit unrewarding course. But is it easier? And why do we think it would be so hard to live life the way we really want to anyway. Does that even make sense?

Let's see what Joe decides to do.

Tell me...what would you do?

 

 

Creatures of Comfort Craving Change

In my business we focus on change quite a bit. I find that people are at the same time creatures of habit and cravers of change. This creates a tension for us as we are split between what we know and are familiar with and our desire for variety, growth and improvement.

For most of us at any given time we can name several things about ourselves or our lives we would like to change. When it gets right down to it the truth is we may truly want the change but are not so excited about letting go of the present situation or taking the steps needed to get the outcome we desire. We want results; not the stuff in the middle right?

Often, we find it more  comfortable to stay in a less desireable current situation that may be very difficult and even damaging to us rather than risk the unknown.

Know anyone like that?

These patterns of behavior are really not so hard to break once you become willing to look at new possibilities for yourself. It becomes less stressful to let go when you clearly know what you are reaching for and believe in your ability to attain it.

You can diminish the fear of the unknown by embracing the opportunity for new and better   do we assume the unkown is scary anyway? How many good things in your life came as a surprise or were once unknown to you?

Consider today that if there is anything in any aspect of your life that is not satisfying or may be causing you stress and unhappiness that the alternative to it is far easier to attain and live with than the trouble you are currently dealing with from this situation. In fact, you have the power to transform this situation into exactly what you most want.

We all tend to think change is hard but we forget that what it is we want to change is already hard.

What would you like to make easier and better in your life?

 

A caterpillar must have the courage to let go of who and how it currently is

to  beautifully become what it was meant to be.

Memories and Lessons

September 11, 2011

What a historic day. Ten years in some ways it seems so long ago in many more it is hard to conceive ten years have really passed since that surreal morning of shocking horror.  What where you doing that fateful morning? What did you do today to remember?

I was reading stories all week. Updates on the families that lost loved ones and news about the memorials and services that were being planned. I read again about survivors and heros as well as people coming together and working long hours to have everything in place for todays milestone.

In reflecting on the events of that day ten years ago  I am struck by the shocking demonstration it provides of the capacity and scope of human nature and behavior. It was an incredible act of violence born out of extremism, hatred, fear and intolerence. But immediately within the moments of chaos and destruction were acts of phenominal heroism, courage, generosity compassion and love.  These actions continued long after the dust settled as Americans and people throughout the world reached out to help each other and pull together.

Human beings truly are incredible and limitless. We are capable of so much, much more than we really recognize most of the time. Many people discovered that about themselves and others that day and in the days that followed as we learned the details and saw and heard the stories. People lost their lives saveing others. Diverse groups of people banded together tirelessly to clean up, search and rescue, care for the wounded and comfort the grieving. We all felt fear, anger confusion and anxiety. But we also felt  community, resilence and inspiration, love and compassion.

The truth is that while humans are capable of all this wonderful, loving action must not  forget the capacity for hate, violence and destruction. That capacity is also not far under the surface. Intolerence, extreme thinking, prejudice, ignorance and selfishness fuels these acts of terror and hate as well as other violence and cruelty that plagues us daily all around the globe.

I think it is vital to raise our consciousness: to be aware of all we are capable of,  good and bad so that we may choose to be our highest best selves and challenge ourselves to be open minded, accepting, tolerant and compassionate.

The memories and lessons of September 11, 2001 are many and complex.

What are they for you?

What does the day most reperesent and teach you? How can you use that now?

 

New and Improved

Have you been in a bookstore lately and seen the vast array of self help books? Billions of dollars are spent every year as millions of people seek to be better, new and improved in some way. Many of these books have wise and useful information and are a great resource, I have certainly read more than my fair share from this section over the past 25 years. But I have come to realize on my journey and in working with others that they are just not quite enough most of the time. There are several reasons for this: You get all kinds of great information and really excited about the changes you will make ...for a short time. There is no follow up or method to really embrace and apply what you have learned. Often people read these books and put them down, rather than study them as they would taking a class or really trying to learn new concepts. Many times there are great ideas but little application to ones individual circumstance. Overall, of course they are written to apply to most everyone so naturally they cannot apply uniquely to each individual. However, I think the largest problem is the idea the reader may have that they have a need to become different or changed in the first place to find happiness, wholeness and success.

The secret is that the key to being happier, whole and more successful is to return to being more of who you already are. We forget ourselves sometimes. All kinds of things get in our way of just being us. Being authentic, utilizing our unique strengths and talents and pursuing our own ideas and passions.

To raise our awareness, educate ourselves, develop more positive thinking and habits is a life long valuable endeavor in personal growth we all would do well to pursue through reading and any other methods.

But to find real happiness, deep lasting  joy and satisfaction one does not need to become new and improved; rather to rediscover, reconnect and fully express that which they already are.

What Defines You?

All of us have an idea of who we are, what we are capable of and our worth. But where do these notions come from? How accurate are they and how do they serve you?

I find these questions fascinating. Unfortunately, I do not think many people consider them. We so easily accept the labels and definitions.However, I believe the answers to these questions explain how your life is; career, relationships, habits, behavior and attitude as well as how you view yourself and your world.

Really everything boils down to: who you think you are, what you think that means about you and how you view yourself in relation to the world.

So what defines you? And where did those notions come from?

Some people have specific circumstances or people that have impacted what and who they perceive themselves to be. Some "thing" that happened to them, how they were raised or beliefs instilled in them have shaped their opinion of themselves, often including their very worth, value and capability. If you are fortunate your influences have been positive and so you have an overall sense of value and abilities. For far too many that is not the case and the negative influence greatly hinders them from fully being themselves and enjoying life. At worst this can lead to unhealthy and harmful behavior.

Truly, we are a total today of all we are and all that has happened to us. However, what that means and how it defines us varies greatly.

All too often we allow outer things to define us and limit us. We allow an imperfect person to tell us who we are and what we are capable of and we may believe it without question for years. We may have an event or trauma that shapes how we see ourselves and our value may be affected indefinitely.

When we do this we abdicate our power and undermine our happiness.

We can challenge these notions; where they came from and reevaluate for ourselves to regain that power. The  power to define ourselves and the happiness that comes from freely, fully being.

We can decide for ourselves who and what we are and struggle to break free of all the inexpert and imperfect input we have received.

We can also choose to break out of the roles and definitions we have made for ourselves that no longer fit.

Sure, not always easy but always possible.

We can choose what circumstances and occurrences mean to us,  about us and how we let it shape us. We do not have a choice in all that happens in our lives but we do have a choice in our reaction to it and how it impacts us overall. Even though it often seems we don't. Depending on the situation this may seem an impossible task. Sometimes we do not even want to challenge ourselves; stubborn to hold on to the definition we have of ourselves even if it is a painful limiting one.  But as you begin to ask the questions and reinterpret the answers you will find a new more powerful perspective.

So, what defines you?

A job, a role, a trauma, illness, your past, stress, situation,  a relationship, a long ago comment...

You are much more than that...

Find what works for you and what is true and serves you, challenge, reinterpret or discard the rest.

If it is difficult, seek a coach or therapist to help you discover fresh perspectives and regain your power to define yourself and be fully you.

I would love to hear your thoughts on this.

You are so much more than you have yet dared to imagine...

RULES OF BEING HUMAN

1. You will receive a body. You may like it, or hate it, but it will be yours for the entire period this time around.


2. You will learn lessons. You are enrolled in a full time informal school called life. Each day in this school you have the opportunity to learn lessons. You may like the lessons or think they are irrelevant and stupid.


3. There are no mistakes, only lessons. Growth is a process of trial and error and experimentation. The “failed” experiments are as much a part of the process as the experiment that ultimately “works”.


4. A lesson is repeated until learned. A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you have learned it. When you have learned it, you can go to the next lesson. Periodically, the lesson will be re-presented to see if you still remember it.


5. Learning lessons does not end. There is no part of life that does not contain its lessons. If you are alive, there are lessons to be learnt. If no lesson is being presented, it is likely that you are no longer alive


6. “There” is no better than “here”. When your “there” has become a “here”, you will simply acquire another “there”. That will again look better than “here”.


7. Others are simply mirrors of you. You cannot love or hate something about another person unless it reflects something you love or hate about yourself.


8. What you make of your life is up to you. You have all the tools and resources you need. What you make of them is up to you; the choice is yours.


9. Your answers lie inside you. The answers to life’s questions lie inside you. All you have to do is look, listen and trust.

10. You will forget all this. That fact is itself a lesson.

~ Ted Hughes, 'Poetry in the Making'

I ran across this recently and liked it so much I wanted to share it. I especially like people are like mirrors and of course the answers are within you .What stands out for you?

 

 

Cultivate your Strengths

Some people spend a lot of time,  money and energy training themselves to do something they really do not like or have little interest in.  Maybe it is the challenge or a skill they think they really need... could be.  Possibly they are convinced if they could just master this skill or develop that talent they do not have they would finally be successful. But most often we find our greatest success and deepest satisfaction cultivating and utilizing our natural talents and strengths.  Becoming outstanding at what we are good at and enjoy makes sense right? Unfortunately, we do not always recognize the gifts, strengths and talents we already possess and too often do not fully develop them and share them. Start with discovery ; know your interests, passions, strengths and talents then feed, nurture, develop and utilize them as often as possible. You will be well on your way to more easily find success and enjoy what you are doing . Certainly always learn, grow and obtain new skills but cultivate the best parts of you , that is why those interests and apptitudes are there ... for you to share!

Coaching provides a venue to rediscover your strengths and talents and develop ways to best utilize them.

Check out www.authentichappiness.com This site is by the leading authority on Positve Psychology Martin Seligman PhD. it provides  many self assesment exercises to assit you in discovering your strengths . I recommend you start with the signature character strength assessment.

Let me know what you find out!

Inside Out Living

So often we are told and believe that if we could just have that or go there or attain or achieve ...fill in the blank, we will be happy. How  many times have you done that and been disappointed or unfulfilled? Maybe you were happy but it was temporary. This is so common yet we tend to keep searching outside ourselves for something to bring us happiness . This is living from the outside in . Bringing something outside yourself to you to provide happiness . Don't get me wrong, many things provide happiness and joy outside ourselves. I suggest though you need to also live from the inside out. This requires we bring forth our joy, beauty, gifts and talents. Share the love and greatness within us with the world and in so doing we will discover the deepest most lasting happiness and satisfaction available . I  assure you, you will feel wonderful and the rest of us need what you have to offer .Trust that and be bold.

Three Wishes

I have not always liked the idea of wishes. Seems too much like fantasy for a goal oriented get things done kinda girl. I have come to realize though that wishes are a powerful tool to open our minds to our limitless possibilities and really be creative. As I have said before reality for most of us means limits and boundaries but wishes open the door to unlimited potentials and creativity. I often use the concept of three wishes with my clients and ask them to really contemplate the question: If you had three wishes for yourself and your life what would they be? Remember, no limits, no reality, and no fear. Just ask the genie, blow out the candles,wave the magic wand and explore. What would you do, be, or have? Where would you live? What activities would you pursue? Who would you spend your time with? What would you look like? It is endless,what matters most is the three things that come up for you. In the answers found from this question are the beginnings of knowing what you really want. They are the seeds of your ideal self and life .In the end you may find that with a little effort wishes really do come true.

So, what are your three wishes ?

 

More Questions Mean More Answers

Have you taken some time and a journal lately and just asked your self some good questions? I find it certainly helps to ask if you would actually like some answers. Journaling is a powerful tool for self-discovery. I have several next to my bed filled with goals, affirmations, reflections and of course questions and answers. When I look back through them after a time they provide redirection, insight and clarity as well as a good laugh. If you are not a journal keeper you can simply ponder and reflect and see what you come up with, if nothing else maybe start an interesting dinner conversation.

What would you do if you knew you could not fail?

What has had the most impact on you in your life thus far?

What are you currently doing that is not working for you?

What are three things you would  like to do more of?

These are intentionally broad, just a staring off point. Try one that suits you or try them all .I’d love to hear your thoughts. These types of ideas are frequently used when working with a coach, to assist you in finding your own answers as well as what you would like to do with them.

New Year New You

What do you want for yourself ?

January is a month of hope and promise for many people around the world. Unfortunately, for too many the end of January is a time of great disappointment as well.  Certainly a new year is a wonderful time for reflection and goal setting, a practice many people follow. However, statistics indicate that 100 million Americans will make New Years resolutions; 80% will not keep them for the year and 35% will quit by January 31^st. Huge numbers to be sure, but why?  Often resolutions are not well thought out, overly ambitious and lack planning. As with any goal setting it is important to not only know what you want but why you want it .If your goal is to lose weight, for instance, think in detail about how you will look and feel and why that important to you. How will life be when you reach your goal? This process should help you determine if you are setting the right goal for the right reason as well as provide real motivation. It is how we feel when we reach our goal that we are really after. That is why sometimes when we go after a goal certain it will make us happy we are disappointed .It wasn’t the thing we sought, but how we thought it would effect us and make us feel emotionally and didn’t.

Once you are clear on what you want and why it is wise to make a plan and start taking small steps in that direction. Finally, commit to do it and even more importantly recommit as often as necessary to stay on track. Resolutions and goal setting is very challenging for most people, but with a clear understanding and careful planning you can have great success. The process can be very rewarding and is the best and only way to reach your dreams and live your best life.